Name: Bill Burr’s Coffee Addiction
Uploaded: 2023-04-14T17:00:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr’s Coffee Addiction' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr’s Coffee Addiction' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-14. Transcript available.

Oh, I've been enjoying myself a little bit too much lately.
As you know, slash, I preach every month.
I take the first 10 days off every month from everything.
No cigars, no coffee, no candy, none of that shit.
Well, I was on the road in New York and I met some buddies of mine.
One person in particular who I've been like,
dude, we got to hook up, we got to hang.
And he's always working.
And so he's finally was not working.
And he goes, I know the place has the best coffee in New York.
All right, I'm four days in to the 10 days off from coffee.
What am I going to say?
No, I'm in New York City, right?
Arguably the Paris of North America.
What am I going to say?
I'm going to say no.
So I said, fuck it.
I went over there and you know, if I try a new coffee place,
I have to get a double espresso and the cappuccino
to see how they make both.
I did that.
They were delicious.
And then I said to myself, and that's it.
I'm just going to shut it off again.
But I was in New York.
There was all these great coffee shops.
And I'm like, I never get back here.
I miss being back here.
You know, I could just go buy a newspaper.
You know, my old man shit that I love doing.
Just buying a newspaper, minding my own fucking business,
sitting down, you know, looking like Clint Howard's cousin, right?
I just fucking, I love doing that.
Although I find less and less of the paper I can read, you know,
to try to blow through all of the politics.
Like when I got there, old Donnie boy, the DA, the DA is calling for you.
That whole partisan politic thing that they did to him,
which is going to just blow up in liberals' faces.
One of the stupidest fucking things.
You let a sleeping orange dog lie.
And he didn't.
They did not.
They went after this guy.
So, eventually, I imagine there's going to be a Republican DA guy
and he's going to go after fucking Joe Biden and all of his fucking lies.
So, whatever.
So, that shit.
So, I skipped through all of that.
I can't read that noise.
You know, it's so stupid.
Like the post is like, oh my God, what the fuck?
And then the daily news is like, yes, yes.
And then the New York Times is like, oh.
That's basically their takes on politics.
Unless it's something happening to a liberal.
And then the post will be like, yes, yes.
So, I skip all of that.
And then you're basically into page six and local crime.
You know?
So, I keep the local crime light.
If it's something fucking awful with a woman or a kid or some shit.
You know?
I try to keep it light.
You know?
I don't mind a little smash and grab.
You know?
Somebody, you know, steal somebody's cat.
Because the relationship broke up.
Like, I mean, I don't mind that.
You know?
A little bank robbery here or there.
A little fucking car chase.
You know?
Somebody jumps on a scooter like Tom Cruise in that Mission Impossible.
Going around Paris.
On a motorcycle.
How fucking great is that guy's life?
You know?
Does his own stunts.
He gets to ride like a fucking Ducati or something at top speed through the
shut down streets of Paris.
That was one of his days.
Hey, Tom, what are you doing today?
Oh, I'm riding a Ducati through shut down streets in Paris.
While making $20 million to see, to make a movie that's going to make a billion
dollars.
Oh, by the way, I've been doing this for 40 years.
All right.
I'm a little envious.
Slash scared to ride a motorcycle unless the city is shut down.
Even then, I don't think I'd get out of second gear.
Anyway.
So, yeah.
And then I smoked, you know, once with my buddy Doug and once with my buddy Verzi.
And as I mentioned.
But I haven't smoked any more cigars.
But I've continued to drink coffee.
Now, let's examine that.
Why is that?
Because coffee is way easier to get.
And I get home to my house.
And just like I predicted, I wanted a cigar.
I wanted a cigar so fucking bad the last three nights.
But I got rid of all the cigars in my house.
And I knew this would happen.
I would want it, but not enough to go out and get it.
That's where I am when it comes to addiction.
I feel the cravings.
I want it.
It makes me ornery.
But I don't have that fucking thing to just throw a jacket on.
And just walk out the house.
In whatever weather.
In score, whatever the fuck it is.
I'm like a lazy addict.
Like if it's in the house, then I'll do it.
But if it isn't, then I don't do it.
And as long as I don't do it for a little while, it goes away.
I know.
I'm boring you guys with this shit.
But I've been back on the coffee pretty goddamn good.
Today, all I had was a double espresso.
Just going to leave it at that.
Possibly in case my buddy calls later.
And then maybe it goes to the next level.