Name: Bill Burr - Texting and Driving
Uploaded: 2023-05-26T17:00:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Texting and Driving' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Texting and Driving' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-26. Transcript available.

Oh, did I want to fucking turn my car into a weapon today and just fucking ram
into somebody?
I got to get one of those old school, like, fucking cop, like, push bars.
You know, there's two types of cunts.
Well, there's a lot of cunts.
But with the two types of cunts that were driving me nuts, I was in traffic.
And I had to pick my daughter up from school.
And, you know, I don't like being late.
So, of course, you know that person that, like, when traffic starts happening,
they put their hazard lights on.
And then they do, like, 40 car lengths behind the person.
I had that person.
I got out of that lane, you know.
And I'm like, all right.
You know, that person is actually, you know, the most civilized out of
everybody out here.
Okay?
And I'm just reacting to this person simply because I am panicking that I'm
going to be late to pick up my daughter and she'll no longer love me and
everyone will leave.
I'm just catastrophizing in my head.
So, he's not really a cunt.
I'm really the cunt.
I'm impatient.
I'm fucking impatient, all right?
The hazard lights, really?
We get it.
You're a, what do you get, what do you, you got your insurance company?
He has you on video, you cunt.
Fucking, all right.
I'm trying to be, you know, the bigger man here.
And then I get behind this douche in a fucking red Mercedes.
And he's doing that thing where he, now he's 10 car lengths behind because, but
it's because he's staring at his fucking phone.
He's staring at his fucking, he literally has it, like, up in front of his face.
You know what I mean?
He's not even doing, like, you know, the glancing down, like, you're counting
cards or whatever the fuck these cheats do.
You can get my, they get their, their, their, their, their hands smashed by the
guys at Casino, right?
This guy is, like, he has it held up in front of his face like he's taking a
selfie.
And he's letting car after car in.
So, finally, I beep at him.
What does he do?
He puts his window down and then he's got his hand out like, oh, what the fuck?
You know?
Hey, we're in traffic.
Like, what is your fucking problem?
So, I mind you staring at your phone.
So, now he's, you know, what does he do?
He goes into extra, he goes into on purpose cunt mode.
On purpose cunt mode, he starts fucking, you know, just slowing down.
I'm like, oh, I see what you want.
You want me to lose my shit.
I will not do that, sir.
I will not give you the satisfaction.
I will let it stay in me for the rest of the day until I do my podcast.
And then I'll fucking let it out when you don't say it.
Sorry, this is all just petty shit.
You know?
Like, the level of people looking at their fucking cell phones.
And I judge all of them, even though I do it, too.
You know?
I'm more like trying to find a song.
These people, like, look like they're, I don't know what they're doing.
FaceTiming with loved ones they haven't seen in years.
It's, like, really intense.
Oh, so basically what you're saying, Bill, is when other people do it, it's
fucked up.
But you're doing it because you love music.
Yeah, that's what I'm doing.
I'm justifying my fucking behavior.