Name: Bill Burr's Chaotic Trip to Texas
Uploaded: 2023-06-07T15:00:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr's Chaotic Trip to Texas' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr's Chaotic Trip to Texas' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-07. Transcript available.

So I get to the fucking airport, I fly out, and I'm ridiculously excited to go
to El Paso, Texas,
and then fucking do this drive down to San Antonio, Texas.
All right?
That was the game plan.
And to let you know a left turn's coming, how about a little foreshadowing?
Here's a fucking letter, an email I got from somebody.
I don't know where they live, either in New Mexico, I don't know what, or in
Texas.
This is what it says.
My heart is like, I can't wait to go here.
I can't wait to make up this date.
I'll probably do an hour and a half on stage.
This is going to be fucking awesome.
That was my intention.
This is the email I get Monday morning.
Thanks for nothing, Bill.
I'm done with you.
Twice you've ditched El Paso, and yesterday, he means like the day of the gig.
He goes, I wasn't notified until 4, 12 p.m.
The show was at 8 o'clock.
After a five-hour drive to El Paso, basically that the show was canceled.
He goes, apparently you think nothing of El Paso.
So right now, you've got to be sitting at your desk.
You've got to be sitting in your shop.
You've got to be sitting at your cubicle.
Maybe you're sitting at a bus stop.
Maybe you're waiting for that fucking plane to take off, and there's some cunt
telling you you have to power down your device, and you don't feel like doing
it.
Because you want to know what happens in El Paso.
All right.
So this is what happens.
I fucking, I land in El Paso, and Verzi's already there, and he's meeting me at
the terminal.
And El Paso's a great fucking airport.
It's one of those ones where there's no, am I in terminal A, terminal B?
The whole fucking thing is in one area.
It's like a mom-and-pop airport.
Get in, get out.
The security's great.
It's fucking awesome.
I love it.
All right?
So I land there, and I get off the plane, and there's Verzi.
All right?
Dressed like he's going to go clean somebody's fucking pool.
You know, he's got these fucking basketball shorts that are hanging down below
his knee.
Right?
He didn't have on flip-flop.
He had on black socks with these black sneakers, and I think white shorts, mesh
shorts that hung down below.
He was a fucking, it was already a shit show.
He's got his t-shirt on, and he's sitting there with a backpack, like a book
bag, like he's going to class or something, and then like some sort of duffel
bag, like he's going to go to the gym in 1977.
This is how the man travels.
Okay?
And he's standing there with like this excited, relieved, and nervous look on
his face.
He's at the airport, and he's fucking nervous about being in El Paso because he's
convinced that he's going to get kidnapped by some drug cartel, dragged back to
Mexico, and held for ransom.
And evidently Obama's going to get on TV and be like, you know, we've got to
get this citizen back.
He's done so much for this country.
You know, this is what he's fucking concerned about.
And immediately he starts going like, yeah, dude, dude, you know, I was just
over there.
And you see that they're selling a bunch of skulls.
They're selling like all these skeletons and all these skulls in the gift shop.
And it's that Mexican holiday, you know, the Day of the Dead.
I don't know when it is, but they celebrate the dead.
It's a little weird, but whatever.
Santa Claus isn't, you know, some fat fuck coming down your goddamn chimney to
give you toys.
And if you're a cunt, he puts some sort of fossil fuel.
I love that.
If you're bad, you get coal.
Well, you're still giving me a way to heat the house, you dumb cunt.
Why don't you just leave nothing?
Why don't you just leave a terse letter in my stocking?
Can you ever think about that?
That's not Santa Claus.
It's Billy Gibbons' grandfather.
A lot of people don't know that.
But let's continue.
Speaking of Texas.
So I'm already laughing and I'm just like, Paul, come on, man.
It's the Day of the Dead.
And I actually went up and I bought the magnet.
Nia's actually into that shit.
So I was like, all right, let me grab one of these fucking magnet things here.
And so I'm just laughing at him.
So now we drive over and it's like already starting to rain, which in our
worlds is no big deal.
It wasn't even that bad of rain.
It was kind of bad, but not that bad, right?
So we're driving around.
I'm fucking all excited.
Just checking out the landscape, the different buildings.
And it's a really cool city where, you know, they have some corporate shit.
But for the most part, the Starbucks and those kinds of things.
I don't know.
The skyscrapers aren't really fucking with El Paso.
Like everything's kind of like, you know, like no more than like a five-story
building.
There's a few.
But generally speaking, you drive down the street.
It looks like one giant main street.
There's all these places, right?
The lady at the Hertz rental car tells us where to get some good Mexican food.
We go there.
I forget the name of the shit that we had, but it was un-fucking-believable.
It was great.
And of course, we walk into the place.
And it's some mom-and-pop kind of place that the locals go to.
We walk in.
Everybody turns to look.
Verzi immediately thinks he's going to get kidnapped.
He goes, dude, did you see that?
Everybody's looking at us.
It's like, Paul, that happens in a dive bar where you're from.
Will you fucking relax?
You're going to get us fucking punched in the face with that fucking look on
your face.
All right?
Jesus Christ.
So we sit down.
We have an amazing fucking meal.
Verzi's starting to relax a little bit, right?
And I'm sitting there, and I have in this little FedEx envelope, I have the
four tickets to El Paso, to the Aggie game.
And I got the four cigars we're going to smoke, all right?
And, you know, for the four people going to the game.
And I just keep holding on to that thing.
Like, I might as well have it handcuffed to my wrist.
I was so paranoid that I was going to lose the tickets, crush the cigars, and
just fuck up the whole weekend.
So we eat.
It's awesome.
And we drive down the main street.
And Verzi's just going, yeah, dude, I don't like this.
I don't like this, right?
He's all fucking nervous.
And we get to the hotel.
It's a fucking hotel.
They check us in.
Everything's all good.
We get up to the rooms, and I call the venue.
My T-shirts for the Red State Tour had shown up.
Everything's looking like it's going to go good.
Then it starts raining a little bit more.
But once again, you know, actually, when we were going there, too, there was
some streets that were blocked off because of flooding.
And I'm like, ah, you know, it's kind of a desert out here, so I guess they don't
handle the rain too well.
But I wasn't thinking anything.
And then all of a sudden, my agent called up along with the promoter, and they
said, listen, the first thing they sent me was that the venue, it got switched,
which should have been the first red flag.
They said the venue I was supposed to perform at lost power, and they were
having a little bit of flooding or something like that.
I was like, you know, I'm looking out my hotel window like, really?
I had no idea.
That doesn't seem right.
So then they fucking, they said, change a venue.
It said, please wait.
Let me confirm that.
And I said, all right.
So I sat there, and all I'm thinking is people are driving into the fucking
show.
I don't want to start the show and have half of them go to the wrong theater,
the other half go to the right theater.
So I say, fuck it, and I tweet it out.
And I say, the venue's been changed.
It's now over here, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
About a half hour after that, my agent and the fucking promoter call up and
they say, listen, you know, we're now having problems at the other theater.
Like there might be a power outage.
And because of the flooding and roads and all this type of shit, people like
maybe half the crowd is going to show up.
So I was like, all right, wait a minute.
Now, if only half the crowd shows up, does that other half get refunds?
And they said, no.
So what do you want to do?
Do you want to do the show or do you want to reschedule it?
So at that point, I'm going to fuck over half the people.
So I said, no, let's reschedule it.
I'll fly back out here.
It's only, you know, a couple, two, three hour flight.
I'll do it again.
And, you know, I'll figure something out.
You know, let's reschedule it as soon as we can.
So I went on Twitter.
I deleted that one.
And then I sent the thing.
And I knew that there was going to be people like this guy who's fucking pissed.
All of that shit happened between two and four o'clock.
So my apologies to the person who's done with me.
But, you know.
And I said on Twitter to quote Breaking Bad and Huell slash Lavelle Crawford,
who's a fucking phenomenal comedian and actor, was an act of God.
There was nothing I could do.
What was I supposed to do?
You know?
So I apologize that it didn't happen.
And then, you know, me and Verzi went out and got absolutely fucking hammered
and spent as much money as we could in El Paso, killing our livers and brain
cells.
I actually, we went to a bar and we, I ran to a couple of people that were
supposed to come out to the show.
And they kind of explained to me that because it doesn't rain out there a lot,
that the ground's really dry and it can't absorb it.
And it just kind of flows down right over the top of it.
I have no idea because that looked like a above average rainstorm to me.
And so whatever.
So I am going to reschedule it.
Sir, if you are done with me, I understand.
But it was not my fault.
And the first time, I guess it was my fault because I chose an acting gig and a
movie.
But what am I supposed to do?
I have to do that.
That'd be like, sir, you were going to go to my fucking show.
And all of a sudden, the chick you always wanted to bang says, hey, you know
what?
You can hit it, but only tonight.
What are you going to say?
You're going to come and see my dumb, freckled redhead?
You're not.
So there you go.
All right.
So that's just the beginning, people, of my Texas trip.
My trip to the great state of fucking Texas.