Name: Bill Burr and Nia - Caught My Girlfriend Cheating
Uploaded: 2023-06-20T18:45:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr and Nia - Caught My Girlfriend Cheating' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr and Nia - Caught My Girlfriend Cheating' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-20. Transcript available.

All right, dear Bill, I need some advice.
I'm 30 years old and I've been seeing this lady for the past four months
and things have gotten pretty serious.
I'm already having dinner at her parents' house frequently.
Oh, Jesus.
Going to her family parties.
Oh, Jesus.
Spending the holidays together.
Jesus Christ.
I'm practically part of the family already.
To use her father's words, and to be honest, I'm cool with it,
I love this girl.
She's great.
All right, so what's the problem?
So great, in fact, we decided to do New Year's in Palm Beach together
at her cousin's place.
Now he finally writes, oh, Jesus.
All right, now what's going to happen?
See?
I like some of these letters.
They set him up like a great movie.
He set this up like this is perfect.
This is like a Norman Rockwell parent painting.
Everything's going great.
Now all of a sudden he's going to New Year's in Palm Beach together
at a cousin's place.
What could possibly go wrong?
This is very well written.
This guy gets a star.
Anyway, so we go out the night before New Year's.
There's a whole group of us, and I head off to take a piss.
I come back and see my girl dancing and making out with some other guy
Oh, shit.
Who wasn't a member of our group.
Oh.
Well, who gives a shit even if he was a member of the group?
It's another guy.
I'm obviously flummoxed.
I'm obviously flummoxed.
This educated son of a bitch.
I decided to interrupt their little makeout session on the dance floor.
It would have continued unabated if I hadn't stepped in.
So I push the guy aside.
Hand her back her purse.
Yes, I was carrying her purse for her.
It fit into my back pocket in case you're wondering.
I was wondering, and I leave the bar.
The bar is called the Cusina.
Yeah, kitchen, right?
Right?
I think so.
Yeah.
A little Spanish right there.
I am outside just beside myself with anger, and she doesn't follow me out.
I go back to her cousin's place and go to bed.
Around 3 a.m., the techs come in.
Nothing happened.
I didn't do anything, et cetera.
She finally cops to it, and just in her defense, she says,
I'm just not used to having a boyfriend, and I don't think you know how drunk I
was.
So, happy New Year's.
This was in a text message?
No, no, no, no.
Oh.
No, when she showed up to him, she says to him.
Oh, okay.
She finally just said, look.
Yeah, fine, I fucked the guy.
I'm just not used to having a boyfriend, okay?
Wow.
And I don't think you realize how drunk I was.
Wow.
Yes.
See?
And you can be that honest.
You know what I mean?
I could never be that honest with you, because you could throw a vase at me,
and then the
cops would arrest me for breaking the vase with my forehead.
Anyways, he goes, should I chalk this up to a dumb, drunk mistake and patch
things up?
No.
I've been having trouble being objective about this.
This has really got me fucked up and hurting.
Yeah, dude.
Yeah, that was a ridiculous level of acting out on her part.
That's crazy.
That is absolutely crazy.
That is some wacky stuff.
That's wacky.
That's some real wacky stuff.
No.
She made out with a guy right in front of you.
He knows.
What are you talking about?
He knows.
He knows what he's supposed to.
He's fucking stunned.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Jesus Christ.
That's pretty stunning.
We're in the goddamn trauma unit right now.
And you're going, you stepped on a landmine.
Move on, sweetheart.
Move on.
Move on.
No, that is...
Retain some dignity and walk away.
You basically...
Just imagine if you discovered that 17 years in, married with four kids that
half look like
you and half look like this should have been stripper.
All right?
You dodged a bullet.
And yeah, it's going to hurt.
And that's really what that really is, dude, is aside from your feelings, that's
your fucking
manhood being hurt right there.
And you don't have to look at it objectively.
And let me finish for fuck's sakes.
As a guy, that shit's not supposed to happen, right?
Because you're supposed to put it on him and they're supposed to be mesmerized
by your
dick.
And the reality is, is that's not what it's like.
Yeah.
And when you discover that, that's a tough day.
Yeah.
But you don't have to look at it objectively.
And then you never trust those broads again.
You never trust them again.
No.
And it's the safest place you can be.
No.
Number three.
But don't look at it objectively.
Shut it last Saturday.
It was a shitty, horrible thing that happened and you should be feeling all of
those feelings,
including anger.
So, but just walk away.
It's over.
Yeah, that's what you should do is just walk away.
Although, I would be tempted to pull a female move and get some revenge and I
would tell her
dad, you know, what he...
Do you know what a slut you raised?
Do you know what a slut you're in love with?
That's half your DNA.
Did she get that from your fucking wife?
No, no, no, no.
No.
Yeah, there's no need to go.
There's no need to...
No, no, because then he'll look like an asshole and then he'll understand why
she did it.
I'm trying to inflict the most pain here.
Ah, walk away.