Name: Bill Burr's Arnold Schwarzenegger Impression is Hilarious
Uploaded: 2023-07-21T15:00:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr's Arnold Schwarzenegger Impression is Hilarious' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr's Arnold Schwarzenegger Impression is Hilarious' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-21. Transcript available.

I hit the gym every single day. The green shirt diet. If you're having problems
going to the gym,
I have a solution. There's a documentary on Netflix, although I feel like a
fucking asshole
telling you to go to a streaming service when none of these cunts want to pay
anybody.
I was watching that Arnold Schwarzenegger documentary, and oh my God.
Episode two of that thing was one of the funniest fucking stories.
Dude, this guy, he just didn't give a fuck. He went from a bodybuilder. He
wants to be an actor,
and somehow he starts buying real estate because he heard it was a good
investment. He was like,
I became a millionaire before I even tried to act, so then I didn't have to do
the bullshit parts.
You know, my agents, they wanted me to do smaller parts, be a character actor.
Fuck the bullshit.
I want to be the star. I want to be the lead, right? That was his fucking
attitude.
And everyone was telling me he was too big, and he had a fucking accent. So he
somehow gets a meeting
with this guy who's made like 500 fucking movies. He walks in there with his
agent.
And I guess the guy was a little fella, and he had this giant desk.
Schwarzenegger assesses that, and then to start the meeting, he goes,
Why does a little man need such a big desk?
The fucking dude lost his mind. The little guy got all mad, and he starts,
Yeah, fuck you. I'm not going to use you. I cannot use you.
You know, he's Italian, right? Off the boat. He goes, I cannot use you.
He goes, you have an accent.
And Schwarzenegger goes, you have an accent too.
He fucking threw him out of his office.
He goes, he was walking out of his office, and his fucking agent was yelling at
him,
going, that meeting was a minute, 45 seconds.
In the history of Hollywood, there's never been a faster meeting.
I got to tell you something, man.
The fucking, the brains and the balls on that guy.
I mean, I've thought about, I thought, I have not stopped thinking about that.
How he went in there, and just, just, like, the power that that guy had,
it's all, it's all dependent on the person he's talking to giving a fuck.
And the fact that Schwarzenegger did not give a fuck,
the floor went out from underneath this little guy, and he didn't know what to
do.
I'm sure he tried to fucking stop him from,
long story short is the guy ended up producing Conan the Barbarian,
and Schwarzenegger was up for the role, and he didn't want him to get the role,
and Schwarzenegger killed it, he still got it.
So the little fella comes down to the set on one of the days,
and he watches Schwarzenegger, and Schwarzenegger is killing it.
And he said, he walked all the way up the hill, up to me,
and he just looked at me, and he said,
you are Conan the Barbarian.
And he walked away.
And I was thinking, yeah, I know I am, I have the role.
Dude, that fucking ice-cold logic.
All right?
The only time I ever heard it like that was when I was in Finland.
There's something.
You get into a part of fucking Europe.
I don't know what the background is for that mindset,
but it is astounding when you run into it.
Just fucking straight facts or whatever.
But just, like, I got such, it was so inspiring.
Because I've seen a ton of people pretending like they don't give a fuck.
But, like, to believe in yourself to that level,
I don't even know what.
Then I'm thinking, well, maybe he just went in there,
and he was so competitive
that he was actually, like, legitimately asking.
Why does a little guy need such a big desk?
Like, he was trying to figure him out.
Like, what are you doing, you know,
with your little socks and shoes over there
and your little pants?
Like, why do you need this big fucking desk?
Did it, like, intrigue him?
It's going to torture me for the rest of my life.
Was he straight up fucking with the guy
or was he, did it not add up?
You know, like a cop on the beat for fucking 25 years.
It just doesn't make sense.
It doesn't add up.
And he's still, you know, Columbo, he comes back.
You know, it's just one more thing.
Why is there a, as a little fellow,
why you got such, why you got such a big desk?
And then when the guy got mad,
he didn't even flinch
and fucking beat him in point-counterpoint.
It was just, I'm telling you,
you got to watch the thing.
I remember everybody used to make fun of him, too,
when he would drive around in the Hummers.
None of us knew that he was in the army in Austria
and was a tank driver.
He used to drive around in a tank
with a fucking cigar hanging out of his mouth.
I mean, the guy is just like,
I don't even know what,
it's unreal.
You become, like,
you just watch the fucking thing
after the strike.
After the strike.
Am I actually,
I'm not allowed to promote any projects.
But I'm not in that one.
But I'll tell you,
I watched that fucking thing
and it's like, all right,
I'm not going to get on a fucking elliptical tomorrow.
I throw the weights around a little bit.
You know,
I finally given into my age.
I just take low weight
and I just do high reps.
I work all the muscle groups.
I have a picture in my mind
that I'm wheeling my body.
I just have his fucking voice in my head.
I have to watch that episode again.
Do you know when somebody just does something so cool,
like you wished you did it?
You know?
And then you start fantasizing
that you actually did it.
That shit was so fucking cool.
I wish I did it,
but I can't even trick my own mind
in thinking that I would ever do something
that is cool as that.
The guy's an immigrant.
Brutal accent.
Can barely speak the fucking language
and goes in there
and just fucking pants.
Deep pants is this fucking guy.
I wouldn't have given anything in the world
after he said that
to see that little guy's face
and his fucking agent.
His agent trying to...
Because his agent wasn't just worried
about his client there.
He was like,
this motherfucker's not going to meet
any of my clients after this one.
And I'm not going to lie to you,
that reminds me of a buddy of mine,
a comedian,
pitched a show at fucking CBS
a long fucking time ago
and CBS was a notoriously cold room.
And he went in there
and it was funny.
They were being assholes
and he was an asshole
and he couldn't handle
basically meeting himself
and he fucking imploded
and just verbally abused all of them
and fucking walked out
to the point I was managed by the same guy
and we had to beg them
to let me come in there
so I could go in there
and I fucking...
I didn't curse him out or anything.
I just sat...
I put on my top hat and cane
and did my little dance
and they just fucking stared at me.
It was one of those pitch meetings.
You just...
You had to like...
You didn't even have to walk it off.
It was just so bad.
You went out to the parking lot
and just laughed.
Like...
It's like, all right, well...
It didn't even hurt
because there was...
You could feel there was no hope
even just walking in there.
So...
And that happened to me a lot.
So just seeing Schwarzenegger
go walking in on one of his first ones
and to fucking ask that question.
Oh my God.
It's just like...
Poetry.
Absolute poetry.
Anyway...
I was really fucking excited
about how those sets went this weekend
and I kind of have more material
than I know what to do with.
Which is not a feeling I've had in a while.
So...
I mean, I even have a handjob joke
that I didn't even fucking do.
Oh, speaking of which...
Look at...
Hang on a second.
That's funny.
I put you guys on hold.
That was my agent calling me
who I was, like, cursing out
to myself when I was standing outside
about ready to do that fucking show in the park.
What am I, fucking Paul Simon?
The fuck is he booking me this shit out here?
Is Garfunkel going on in front of me?
What the fuck are we doing?
Am I sharing the bill
with Peter, Paul, and Mary there?
And then I went up and it was awesome.
So I'm going to tell him
when he calls me back
because he did the classic...
I pick up the phone.
Hello?
And he goes,
Ah, shit.
Can I call you right back?
All right.
Anyway.
So if you get a chance.
If you get a chance.
And then I have to be...
I'm not going to lie to you, man.
The stuff about his brother,
Arnold's brother,
is absolutely fucking heartbreaking.
And it's the kind of story that, like...
I mean, I just, like...
People not understanding, like, sensitive kids
is just fucking one of the most heartbreaking things
you could ever fucking witness or hear about.
And, uh...
I don't know what it is about sensitive kids.
I think they're viewed as weak.
And back in the day,
I think, like, parents had, like, this...
Like, they took on, took it on
and felt like, you know,
I don't have weak kids.
I have strong sperm.
I just make fucking warriors.
And they don't realize
that there's all these different ways
of being strong.
Oh, God.
There's a couple of stories
that Arnold tells, man.
Oh, my God.
They're fucking heartbreaking.
But it's an incredible...
Oh, God.
I would kill to listen to any of those tapes.
Hey, Arnold, we're gonna...
We'll get you some small roles
and, uh, you know, uh...
We do some character actor stuff.
That's how we're...
And he's like,
fucking bullshit.
I'm doing those stupid fucking parts.
I want to be the star.
And then listening to this guy
going, like,
how the fuck am I gonna make you a star
when you talk like that?
I'm not gonna say shit to you.
Your fucking bicep is bigger than my head.
I mean, that must have been the...
Like...
Somebody says it in the documentary.
Says he has the most incredible career
of anybody ever.
I mean, as far as, like...
Where he came from,
what he sounded like,
and what he ended up doing,
it's just fucking...
It blows...
I know.
I'm going on and on about it.
We get it, Bill.
We get it.
We understand it. We're going to check it out.