Name: Bill Burr: How To Break Up With Your Girlfriend
Uploaded: 2023-09-05T15:00:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr: How To Break Up With Your Girlfriend' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr: How To Break Up With Your Girlfriend' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-05. Transcript available.

Hey Bill, this is entitled, Afraid to Break Up with Girlfriend.
I'm going to read slow so this takes up as much time as possible.
Hey Bill, I'd like to get your advice on something.
I've been dating my girlfriend for almost a year now, and I've been thinking
about breaking up with her.
Well, it's time to break up with her, sir.
Alright? I've been dating her for a year, you know?
If you're thinking about breaking up, it's time.
Okay?
He says, we get along fine and we rarely argue.
I was just thinking of a great way to break up with someone.
They should invent like a breakup suit, right?
Just something where you just cannot get injured and you just put the thing on
with the fucking helmet.
You don't wear the helmet, you just put the onesie zip up on, which totally
protects everything, right?
And then you get in the passenger seat and you let her drive.
Now, why are you going to let me drive?
Well, you just drive tonight.
But you always like to drive.
Honey, you just drive.
Okay, why are you wearing that suit?
It's all going to make sense in about five miles, right?
You get out on the fucking highway.
You just start talking to her.
And out of no way, you just put the helmet on.
You know?
And she says, what are you doing?
And just say, listen, I don't want to go out with you anymore.
And then she goes, what?
And you go, hey, watch this.
And you just open the door and you roll out of the fucking car.
That's it.
You're out.
You know?
Type up a fake police report.
You tell them that you died.
Then she feels bad for you.
You don't have to deal with any sort of repercussions.
Anyways, he says, we get along fine and we rarely argue.
But I'm starting to realize I don't really want to be with her for the long
haul.
When we started dating, ah, this fucking thing.
These iPads suck, by the way.
All right?
You know what an iPad is?
It's a fucking laptop for pussies.
What's the matter?
Your laptop is too heavy?
You fucking douchebag?
This thing doesn't have a keyboard?
It's got nothing.
You think that they don't know how to make this thing into a fucking laptop
already?
Of course they do.
This is the Steve Jobs way of doing things.
Rather than just giving you the whole fucking thing,
he's going to give it to you in increments like a goddamn drug dealer.
You know, that's why I haven't bought one of these yet.
This is Nia's, by the way.
I borrowed this fucking thing.
And I am not enjoying it, as you can tell, as I'm throwing a temper tantrum
here.
You know what?
I'm going to buy a fucking iPad.
I'm going to buy it when it is a laptop, when it is a little light laptop.
Until then, I'm not having this fucking...
This is like when you go, you know what?
I really want to get the new Camaro.
And then you get the one with the V6 engine.
Rather than getting the full-out one with the stick shift.
Which is a laptop, right?
It's too heavy.
You know?
Fucking do shoulders at the gym next time you do that.
Okay?
Maybe do that.
Maybe do some stuff to build up your wrists.
Oh, God, Bill.
Can you get through the question?
All right, I will.
He says,
When we first started dating, I loved hanging out with her, but I'm just not
into her anymore.
Does that make me an asshole?
No, it doesn't.
Why would your own true feelings make you an asshole, sir?
How awful were your parents?
He says,
I'm 23 years old with a somewhat...
Why am I...
You know, I'm really being a cunt this week.
This guy's asking for my advice.
Let's try to bring the anger down, Bill.
You're frustrated.
It's fucking hot in here.
You can't open the window because you say cunt too much.
This building's a co-op, and they'll kick you out.
Okay?
That's what's going on here.
It has nothing to do with this person.
Okay?
So why don't you just try to be a nice guy?
That's what I should have done.
Off the mic, like I'm scolding myself.
Just try to be a nice guy.
Let's not take out your bad day on everyone else.
Okay?
You're embarrassing me.
All right.
I'm 23 years old with somewhat of a decent job and really just want to go back
to being single for a while.
Exactly, dude.
You're 23 years old.
Dude, you're a fucking movie star at that age.
I don't care what you're doing for a living.
You should definitely be single.
He said the problem is she's got a lot of stress in her life right now.
Not your problem.
She's finishing nursing school and trying to find a job.
All right.
We'll tell her to put on the outfit, bang her one more time, and hey, watch
this.
You bail out of the car.
That's mean.
Anyways, he says, oh, and she has a history of depression.
Over the past year, I feel like she's becoming emotionally dependent on me,
like I'm keeping her going or something.
Well, Jesus Christ, no wonder you want to get rid of her.
You don't want this.
You know?
You want someone that's going to be fun to be around.
You don't want her, you know, it's sunny out and she's like it's raining out.
The fucking head under the pillow.
One of these days, you know, you stay with that long enough.
One of these days, you're just going to smother her with that pillow.
Anyways, he said, how do I go about breaking up with her while causing the
least amount of damage?
He said, also, she always leaves some of her shit in my apartment.
Yeah, it's because she wants to fucking, oh yeah, she's clinging on to you.
It says, clothes, blanket, other random shit.
I try to get her to take her shit home with her, but how do I avoid after the
after breakup coming over to get my stuff?
I hate that.
Anyway, go fuck yourself.
All right, look, there's no way, there's no easy way to break up with somebody.
All right, there's just easier ways.
The sooner the better.
I know, dude, this is like dismantling a bomb.
See, you know what you would like to do is say, hey, can you come by today?
I want to talk to you about something, right?
And sure, sure, I'll be right over.
And then immediately just take out a box, put all of her shit in it, tape it up,
and then she rings the bell.
Bing, bong, you open the door.
You go, yeah, don't want to date you anymore.
And you just hand her the box and close the door, right?
Dude, there's money to be made in this, man.
Does anybody have a professional breakup service?
That's such a pussy thing to do, but that would be phenomenal.
You know?
You make your person feel like they got fired.
You know, like when a corporation fires you and just two security people show
up, you know, confiscate your computer and then escort you out of the building.
Wouldn't that be great?
Dude, that's what you should do.
Just hire two of your friends to dress up like security guards.
Tell her you want to break up, you know, and then they have all her shit in the
box.
And then they escort her right out of your apartment building like she got
fired.
It would come off as professional rather than like personal.
How do you go about breaking up with her?
You know what I would do?
I wouldn't put all her shit in the box because that's going to come off cold,
you know, and you don't want to hurt her feelings like that.
So I would just, oh, fuck it.
I don't know.
I don't know how to do it.
Why did I drink last night?
And then I got up and did Opie and Anthony.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I knew I had a podcast to do.
You're embarrassing.
I don't fucking know.
Just have her come over and just say, listen, I'm not happy.
Oh, that's a great one.
That's a classic.
You know, like if you were a singer songwriter, the second you said that, the
whole crowd would start applauding, recognizing the big hit.
You know.
Of all the girls I do before, you know, they all start fucking clapping.
You know, if they just came out, you just did classic breakup monologues.
Listen, I'm just not happy.
Everyone, just that smattering of applause.
You wait for it to die down.
Let the orchestra come around again.
Jump back in on the one.
Man, just tell you you're not happy.
I'm not happy anymore.
And dude, let me tell you something.
Her being depressed is not your fucking problem.
All right.
Her being depressed is the fucking problem.
How can you do this to me?
What do you mean?
How can I do this to you?
You don't want to be worse if I fucking stayed with you and I didn't love you.
I don't love you anymore.
I don't love you, depressed whore.
I just called you a whore as a generic term.
You know, I don't, I'm not happy.
I want out.
Okay.
I just feel like I want to be single right now.
I just don't feel like I'm going to be with you in the long haul.
We'll just be wasting each other's time.
My time is important and so is yours.
All right.
I don't want to go anymore, but I'll tell you what.
If you go to stamps.com, they'll give you $55 free stamps on a scale.
That's what you do.
Just tag every mean thing you say with all the advertising.
You know, if you go to Amazon.com through Bill Burr's website, you know, click
on the little Amazon banner.
Whatever you buy, you know, portion of that money goes back to Bill Burr and
then the percentage of that goes to the Wounded Warriors project.
So, I know I'm breaking up with you right now, but you could, we could also
support the troops.
Right?
Sir, look, there's no fucking easy way to do this and you're going to be
sitting there.
How many more holidays?
How many more birthdays?
How many more Christmases, which is a holiday?
Sorry.
You always need three examples.
Do you want to go through with this person?
How many more times do you want to go out and rent bikes, go to a picnic, sit
there on a sunny day?
Is she sitting there with that cloud over her fucking head?
You know, dude, you know, don't do that to yourself.
You want to fucking people who are just wonderful human beings and they just
end up with assholes.
I swear to God, assholes, they look for wonderful human beings because other
assholes are not going to put up with them.
You know, so you need to be an asshole here.
You know, how society looks as an asshole, like you're being selfish.
You're not being selfish.
All right?
Choose yourself.
Choose your own fucking life.
Dump her and get on with your life.
You know, this is what you do.
You get yourself a six of fucking pale ale or whatever beer you like.
You stick a couple of glasses in the fucking freezer.
All right?
Like anticipation of this championship that you know you're going to win.
You know?
Like they did in the Red Sox dugout when they had the champagne on ice in game
six in 1986 before they had to quickly wheel it out.
Okay?
Except you're not going to let this one go through your legs, sir.
You're kicking this one right in the cunt and you're taking home the fucking
championship.
And when it's over, all you got to be just thinking about those frosty fucking
brews in the fridge.
Just think about that.
Just look at the clock when she walks in.
All right?
Let's say she comes in at ten past two.
Just say to yourself, worst case scenario, by three fucking thirty, I'm going
to be sitting down on this fucking couch.
All right?
With my goddamn phone off, drinking a couple of, five or six of these things.
And then that's it.
All right?
And then don't fucking have post-breakup sex.
Don't do that because then she'll think that you're back together again.
Fuck all of that.
All right?
Well, I just got to come by and get my stuff.
Okay?
When do you want to come by?
This is coming off really cold.
She's going to do all of that and just try to keep dragging you back into the
fucking thing.
I don't know if this is a punk thing to do, but after you break up with her,
just don't answer the phone when she calls.
And then she'll finally just say, listen, I got to come by and get my stuff.
Can you text her back?
Ah, fuck it.
Just be a man.
What is she going to do?
Body slam you?
She's just going to make you feel bad.
All right?
Why did you break up with me?
Is it because I don't blow you enough?
No.
It's because you're a mopey.
You're sucking the life out of me.
You know?
And when you get that sad look on your face, you look like a Muppet.
There.
I said it.
All right?
There's your shit over there in the corner.
I got a couple of cool ones in the fridge.
So why don't you do me a favor?
All right?
Get over there.
Bend down.
Lift with your knees.
Get your shit and get the fuck out of here.
What do you say there, toots?
Your Prince Charming is out there somewhere.
You know?
It ain't here.
I'm not riding that horse anymore.
Okay?
I just shot it in the back of the head.
It's over.
Okay?
So why don't you trudge on out of here there, fucking Cinderella?
Go look at a mirror.
Go climb up in a tower and fucking drop your hair out.
Whatever the fuck you're supposed to do.
Kiss a frog.
All right?
I got drinking to do.
But why don't I beat it?
Something like that?
Like I said, all that bullshit I said, 10 past 2, it's over by 3.30.
By 3.30, you're boozing.

Bill Burr: How To Break Up With Your Girlfriend

Hey Bill, this is entitled, Afraid to Break Up with Girlfriend.
I'm going to read slow so this takes up as much time as possible.
Hey Bill, I'd like to get your advice on something.
I've been dating my girlfriend for almost a year now, and I've been thinking
about breaking up with her.
Well, it's time to break up with her, sir.
Alright? I've been dating her for a year, you know?
If you're thinking about breaking up, it's time.
Okay?
He says, we get along fine and we rarely argue.
I was just thinking of a great way to break up with someone.
They should invent like a breakup suit, right?
Just something where you just cannot get injured and you just put the thing on
with the fucking helmet.
You don't wear the helmet, you just put the onesie zip up on, which totally
protects everything, right?
And then you get in the passenger seat and you let her drive.
Now, why are you going to let me drive?
Well, you just drive tonight.
But you always like to drive.
Honey, you just drive.
Okay, why are you wearing that suit?
It's all going to make sense in about five miles, right?
You get out on the fucking highway.
You just start talking to her.
And out of no way, you just put the helmet on.
You know?
And she says, what are you doing?
And just say, listen, I don't want to go out with you anymore.
And then she goes, what?
And you go, hey, watch this.
And you just open the door and you roll out of the fucking car.
That's it.
You're out.
You know?
Type up a fake police report.
You tell them that you died.
Then she feels bad for you.
You don't have to deal with any sort of repercussions.
Anyways, he says, we get along fine and we rarely argue.
But I'm starting to realize I don't really want to be with her for the long
haul.
When we started dating, ah, this fucking thing.
These iPads suck, by the way.
All right?
You know what an iPad is?
It's a fucking laptop for pussies.
What's the matter?
Your laptop is too heavy?
You fucking douchebag?
This thing doesn't have a keyboard?
It's got nothing.
You think that they don't know how to make this thing into a fucking laptop
already?
Of course they do.
This is the Steve Jobs way of doing things.
Rather than just giving you the whole fucking thing,
he's going to give it to you in increments like a goddamn drug dealer.
You know, that's why I haven't bought one of these yet.
This is Nia's, by the way.
I borrowed this fucking thing.
And I am not enjoying it, as you can tell, as I'm throwing a temper tantrum
here.
You know what?
I'm going to buy a fucking iPad.
I'm going to buy it when it is a laptop, when it is a little light laptop.
Until then, I'm not having this fucking...
This is like when you go, you know what?
I really want to get the new Camaro.
And then you get the one with the V6 engine.
Rather than getting the full-out one with the stick shift.
Which is a laptop, right?
It's too heavy.
You know?
Fucking do shoulders at the gym next time you do that.
Okay?
Maybe do that.
Maybe do some stuff to build up your wrists.
Oh, God, Bill.
Can you get through the question?
All right, I will.
He says,
When we first started dating, I loved hanging out with her, but I'm just not
into her anymore.
Does that make me an asshole?
No, it doesn't.
Why would your own true feelings make you an asshole, sir?
How awful were your parents?
He says,
I'm 23 years old with a somewhat...
Why am I...
You know, I'm really being a cunt this week.
This guy's asking for my advice.
Let's try to bring the anger down, Bill.
You're frustrated.
It's fucking hot in here.
You can't open the window because you say cunt too much.
This building's a co-op, and they'll kick you out.
Okay?
That's what's going on here.
It has nothing to do with this person.
Okay?
So why don't you just try to be a nice guy?
That's what I should have done.
Off the mic, like I'm scolding myself.
Just try to be a nice guy.
Let's not take out your bad day on everyone else.
Okay?
You're embarrassing me.
All right.
I'm 23 years old with somewhat of a decent job and really just want to go back
to being single for a while.
Exactly, dude.
You're 23 years old.
Dude, you're a fucking movie star at that age.
I don't care what you're doing for a living.
You should definitely be single.
He said the problem is she's got a lot of stress in her life right now.
Not your problem.
She's finishing nursing school and trying to find a job.
All right.
We'll tell her to put on the outfit, bang her one more time, and hey, watch
this.
You bail out of the car.
That's mean.
Anyways, he says, oh, and she has a history of depression.
Over the past year, I feel like she's becoming emotionally dependent on me,
like I'm keeping her going or something.
Well, Jesus Christ, no wonder you want to get rid of her.
You don't want this.
You know?
You want someone that's going to be fun to be around.
You don't want her, you know, it's sunny out and she's like it's raining out.
The fucking head under the pillow.
One of these days, you know, you stay with that long enough.
One of these days, you're just going to smother her with that pillow.
Anyways, he said, how do I go about breaking up with her while causing the
least amount of damage?
He said, also, she always leaves some of her shit in my apartment.
Yeah, it's because she wants to fucking, oh yeah, she's clinging on to you.
It says, clothes, blanket, other random shit.
I try to get her to take her shit home with her, but how do I avoid after the
after breakup coming over to get my stuff?
I hate that.
Anyway, go fuck yourself.
All right, look, there's no way, there's no easy way to break up with somebody.
All right, there's just easier ways.
The sooner the better.
I know, dude, this is like dismantling a bomb.
See, you know what you would like to do is say, hey, can you come by today?
I want to talk to you about something, right?
And sure, sure, I'll be right over.
And then immediately just take out a box, put all of her shit in it, tape it up,
and then she rings the bell.
Bing, bong, you open the door.
You go, yeah, don't want to date you anymore.
And you just hand her the box and close the door, right?
Dude, there's money to be made in this, man.
Does anybody have a professional breakup service?
That's such a pussy thing to do, but that would be phenomenal.
You know?
You make your person feel like they got fired.
You know, like when a corporation fires you and just two security people show
up, you know, confiscate your computer and then escort you out of the building.
Wouldn't that be great?
Dude, that's what you should do.
Just hire two of your friends to dress up like security guards.
Tell her you want to break up, you know, and then they have all her shit in the
box.
And then they escort her right out of your apartment building like she got
fired.
It would come off as professional rather than like personal.
How do you go about breaking up with her?
You know what I would do?
I wouldn't put all her shit in the box because that's going to come off cold,
you know, and you don't want to hurt her feelings like that.
So I would just, oh, fuck it.
I don't know.
I don't know how to do it.
Why did I drink last night?
And then I got up and did Opie and Anthony.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I knew I had a podcast to do.
You're embarrassing.
I don't fucking know.
Just have her come over and just say, listen, I'm not happy.
Oh, that's a great one.
That's a classic.
You know, like if you were a singer songwriter, the second you said that, the
whole crowd would start applauding, recognizing the big hit.
You know.
Of all the girls I do before, you know, they all start fucking clapping.
You know, if they just came out, you just did classic breakup monologues.
Listen, I'm just not happy.
Everyone, just that smattering of applause.
You wait for it to die down.
Let the orchestra come around again.
Jump back in on the one.
Man, just tell you you're not happy.
I'm not happy anymore.
And dude, let me tell you something.
Her being depressed is not your fucking problem.
All right.
Her being depressed is the fucking problem.
How can you do this to me?
What do you mean?
How can I do this to you?
You don't want to be worse if I fucking stayed with you and I didn't love you.
I don't love you anymore.
I don't love you, depressed whore.
I just called you a whore as a generic term.
You know, I don't, I'm not happy.
I want out.
Okay.
I just feel like I want to be single right now.
I just don't feel like I'm going to be with you in the long haul.
We'll just be wasting each other's time.
My time is important and so is yours.
All right.
I don't want to go anymore, but I'll tell you what.
If you go to stamps.com, they'll give you $55 free stamps on a scale.
That's what you do.
Just tag every mean thing you say with all the advertising.
You know, if you go to Amazon.com through Bill Burr's website, you know, click
on the little Amazon banner.
Whatever you buy, you know, portion of that money goes back to Bill Burr and
then the percentage of that goes to the Wounded Warriors project.
So, I know I'm breaking up with you right now, but you could, we could also
support the troops.
Right?
Sir, look, there's no fucking easy way to do this and you're going to be
sitting there.
How many more holidays?
How many more birthdays?
How many more Christmases, which is a holiday?
Sorry.
You always need three examples.
Do you want to go through with this person?
How many more times do you want to go out and rent bikes, go to a picnic, sit
there on a sunny day?
Is she sitting there with that cloud over her fucking head?
You know, dude, you know, don't do that to yourself.
You want to fucking people who are just wonderful human beings and they just
end up with assholes.
I swear to God, assholes, they look for wonderful human beings because other
assholes are not going to put up with them.
You know, so you need to be an asshole here.
You know, how society looks as an asshole, like you're being selfish.
You're not being selfish.
All right?
Choose yourself.
Choose your own fucking life.
Dump her and get on with your life.
You know, this is what you do.
You get yourself a six of fucking pale ale or whatever beer you like.
You stick a couple of glasses in the fucking freezer.
All right?
Like anticipation of this championship that you know you're going to win.
You know?
Like they did in the Red Sox dugout when they had the champagne on ice in game
six in 1986 before they had to quickly wheel it out.
Okay?
Except you're not going to let this one go through your legs, sir.
You're kicking this one right in the cunt and you're taking home the fucking
championship.
And when it's over, all you got to be just thinking about those frosty fucking
brews in the fridge.
Just think about that.
Just look at the clock when she walks in.
All right?
Let's say she comes in at ten past two.
Just say to yourself, worst case scenario, by three fucking thirty, I'm going
to be sitting down on this fucking couch.
All right?
With my goddamn phone off, drinking a couple of, five or six of these things.
And then that's it.
All right?
And then don't fucking have post-breakup sex.
Don't do that because then she'll think that you're back together again.
Fuck all of that.
All right?
Well, I just got to come by and get my stuff.
Okay?
When do you want to come by?
This is coming off really cold.
She's going to do all of that and just try to keep dragging you back into the
fucking thing.
I don't know if this is a punk thing to do, but after you break up with her,
just don't answer the phone when she calls.
And then she'll finally just say, listen, I got to come by and get my stuff.
Can you text her back?
Ah, fuck it.
Just be a man.
What is she going to do?
Body slam you?
She's just going to make you feel bad.
All right?
Why did you break up with me?
Is it because I don't blow you enough?
No.
It's because you're a mopey.
You're sucking the life out of me.
You know?
And when you get that sad look on your face, you look like a Muppet.
There.
I said it.
All right?
There's your shit over there