Name: Bill Burr: Unexpected Pregnancy
Uploaded: 2023-09-20T15:00:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr: Unexpected Pregnancy' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr: Unexpected Pregnancy' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-20. Transcript available.

I'm a 24-year-old guy from Sydney, Australia, who's run up against a big
problem.
Last November, I lost a well-paying job due to an anxiety disorder I've
developed over the years.
I've sought out treatment, been through therapy, had all sorts of diets and
breathing exercises,
and although recently it's been much more manageable,
it unfortunately wasn't enough to hold onto my high-pressure job.
You know what, dude? It was probably the job.
Granted, I have no medical background whatsoever, but I really don't, you know,
when you have to, like, eat a kumquat and start going,
just so you can fucking go to work.
Hello?
Oh, Nia, how are you? Sorry, just saw the door open.
The lovely Nia, everybody!
Oh, you're busy, okay.
I was planning on when I was here.
Oh, okay.
Alrighty.
I'll see ya.
Okay.
Yeah, dude, when you have to fucking do shit like that just to go to work,
it's probably the job.
And considering you've developed it over the years, let me guess, was it as you
got this
fucking high-pressure job?
I don't know.
So anyways, currently I'm looking for a more low-key job.
Anyways, three days after I'm let go, I get a call from a friend I'd had drunken,
unprotected sex with.
The only reason why I went back to our house was that our house was within
walking distance
from the pub, we share a bed, and nature takes its course.
Oh, my God.
It was, of course, a risk, and like any idiot male, I just assumed nothing
would happen.
Turns out I'm going to be a dad come August, after a mere one sexual indiscretion.
I've known this woman for over three years.
She's successful, smart, witty, and we get on really well.
I'll be getting on really well.
She is, sorry, there was a big space in a new paragraph.
I'm not that dumb, people.
Please, please still believe in me.
She's been up until now childless, and you can understand her reasonings for
wanting to
keep the spawn.
She expects me to play an active role in the parenting game, and to be honest,
that's something
I am wholeheartedly prepared to do.
That's so fucked up.
They, like, make the decision.
I mean, because it is their body.
They have to go through the procedure, but it's just really, you're really just,
you're
just a fucking jizz hose.
That's really all we are.
We were both irresponsible, and we should both have to pick up the pieces and
work shit
out.
Here's the problem.
She wants me to move in with her.
Fuck that!
Fuck that.
Before I read any more of this, fuck that.
Anyways, in fact, she's demanded I moved in with her.
Double fuck that.
She's making demands.
Go fuck yourself.
All right?
I wish you did that earlier.
I wouldn't have been in this situation.
I can't help thinking that this arrangement would descend very quickly into
mutual resentment
and unhappiness, and would eventually be a detrimental environment for the kid.
Abso-fucking-lutely.
I've lived with friends in the past, and if a dirty kitchen can cause
irritation, I don't
know how a shitting, drooling, screaming baby will fly under the radar.
I want to move somewhere close by so I can share their parenting duties, but I
don't see
how moving in is a better solution.
She's also asking for financial support to the tune of half, which the shit I've
spelt
out above surely makes this impossible.
She's tipped deep in an already blossomed career, and I'm doing my best to stay
away
from the dole, or as Americans say, welfare.
So I'm asking advice on two things.
How do I relay my moving in doubts to a hormonal pregnant woman without hurting
her feelings or
making her feel like she has to go at it alone?
And how can I spell it out to her that I won't be able to be there for the baby
financially
in the way she wants?
Jesus Christ, dude.
What else?
And how do you fucking jump to the moon?
By the way, when she told me about the pregnancy and, oh, Jesus, arrived fully
formed in my mouth.
Go fuck yourself, cunt.
You just have to have an adult conversation with her.
Just be like, look, who's kidding who?
We're not in love with one another.
You're not my soulmate.
I'm not your soulmate.
But we're both adults, and we did this, so we have to take responsibility.
Okay?
I would still like to meet my soulmate, and I imagine you would, too.
And we're not going to be able to do that if we're basically pretending to be a
couple, which we're not.
We're not.
Okay?
Just look at the baby like we both, it's like a timeshare condo.
Sorry.
No, just tell you, you're not going to move in.
I'm not moving in with you.
I'm going to support you 100% with the baby.
100%.
But I'm not moving in.
And when she says, why, just be like, because I'm not in love with you.
We're not getting married.
We screwed up, and now we're doing the right thing.
But, yeah, I'm not moving in.
And what's she going to do, grab you by the throat, make you move in?
No, fuck this.
And the fact that she's making these demands, she wants half of your money.
Well, this is the deal, dude.
You knocked a girl up, and now you've got a fucking, you've got a kid coming.
So you've got to go make some money.
All right?
And you do have to support the kid.
This is one of these fucked up things.
If she's got a great career, why does she need half of your salary?
You know what I mean?
If you had a great career, she wouldn't even fucking work.
Why don't you say this?
All right, how about this?
Why don't I be Mr. Mom?
I'll stay home with the kid, and you go out and work, and you support me.
I'll wear a fucking apron.
Have at it, lady.
Go put on your Nancy Reagan power suit and fucking have at it.
Yeah, dude, look.
What do you...
I know.
You've got the double whammy here.
I wouldn't do a double header here.
Although the conversation might go in that direction.
But I would definitely not tell her that I'm moving in with her.
There's no fucking way.
There's no way that that's happening.
All right?
There's no way that that's happening.
Because I'm not in love with you.
And let her hem, let her haw, let her cry, let her scream, let her throw shit.
Let her do whatever the fuck she wants to do.
You're not moving in with her, sir.
All right?
Don't do it.
Don't go to bed with a brass on your head.
No.
Don't do it.
Sorry, Beretta.
Don't fucking do it.
All right?
And then as far as, like, you know, supporting your kid, you've got to do it.
You've got to give her the money.
You can't have this kid.
He's in an unbelievably unfortunate situation.
You have to make the best of it.
And you guys have to be friends.
And that's another reason for not moving in.
You know, what, are you going to sleep in the same bed?
Like you're married?
Like you love each other?
I mean, you can't fucking do it.
So, I don't know.
But as far as the money thing, yeah, you've got to go out and start making some
money.
And if you have to sleep on a fucking futon or whatever, believe me,
that's going to be better than having, you know, some 18-year-old kid someday
who had a shit childhood because of you.
And then you've got to deal with that and then try and put the pieces together
when you're on your fucking deathbed.
You don't want to do that either.
But as far as moving in, fuck that.
Move close by.
And that's it.
It's not up for discussion.
Okay?
And she can make all the fucking demands she wants to.
Demands.
Fucking dope.
She made a mistake, too.
What the fuck is she making demands out of you for?
Furthermore, why the fuck are you worried about it?
All right?
She can't force you to move in.
So, fuck her.
All right?
with a condom next time, sir.