Name: Bill Burr: I Messed Up
Uploaded: 2023-09-22T15:00:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr: I Messed Up' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr: I Messed Up' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-22. Transcript available.

bill i fucked up and could use a hand all right let's see why did you fuck up
hey you old biscuit bacon bitch uh i fucked this one up and could use some of
your broadcasted
advice i'm 26 year old guy living and working in the great white north toronto
to be exact and i
love your podcast and all that shit thank you anyways a few months ago i
started seeing this
really sweet girl she's pretty she's thoughtful and she's as low maintenance as
a 1991 honda civic
okay it sounds like the beginning of a horror movie everything's like fucking
perfect right
and he literally says perfect exclamation point she deserves to be treated
right
about a month ago i was eating in a restaurant with a buddy when this smoking
hot redhead comes up to me
out of the blue and says hey you're cute take my number let's go out sometime
i should have said no i have a girlfriend right then and there but the
excitement of having a
babe throw herself at me was too much for me to pass up absolutely it was that's
like a fucking movie
we're not wired to pass that moment up i'm not saying you go and do it but jesus
uh he said i didn't have the damn strength to keep it in my pants later that
night after a few
wobbly pops i texted her looking to meet up we did and we did the deed i felt
like a piece of shit
yeah yes we've all been there as men we've all been there and a lot of ladies
too which never gets
any press because it's considered sexist to suggest that um here's where it's
getting interesting and
slightly complicated not even 48 hours later i'm hanging out with my girlfriend
when she gets a call
from one of her friends saying i have some bad news to tell you oh boy i overheard
the conversation
coming from my girlfriend's phone and knowing exactly what the bad news was i
snatched the phone
from her and proceeded to spill my guts and told her the whole story well there
you go at least you
manned it up evidently the friend that called was roommates with the redhead
and the redhead through
social media had hunted me down and shown my picture to her roommates dude you
can't you can't get away
with anything anymore look at this the friend goes on to tell the redhead that
i have a girlfriend
oh dude this is what this is like you're gonna end up with nothing here my
girlfriend obviously was
super upset but being the sweetheart she is and after many many i'm so sorry
for me she agreed to let me
try to make it up to her um how do cheaters do this shit i didn't even last 48
hours cut to two weeks
later myself and three of my buddies since kindergarten are on a mountaineering
expedition in peru
dude what are you fucking jason born what's going on here hot chicks throwing
themselves at you
now you're in fucking peru uh a trip we planned since february and i get this
panic-stricken email
from my girlfriend saying she parentheses the redhead had broken into my
apartment and trashed the place
see attached photos
dude what the fuck women are fucking crazy
let's just say let's just say let's just say this okay
like how is she hurt she came walking up to you threw her fucking clam at you
you fucking took it
who what you're not in a relationship with her my voice is literally cracking
in a relationship you're
not in a fucking relationship with her dude you need to prosecute this fucking
woman
this has to stop this whole fucking thing that when women get upset they can
destroy property
let a guy go out and fucking trash some woman's car after she fucks around on
him
he'll end up in jail and have to pay for the fucking car
everything was smashed my tv one of my guitars she cut up my bed sheets and the
duvet she even went so
far as to throw all my towels in the bathtub and ran the water how do i know it
was the redhead the
dumb bitch left a note next to tv saying cheaters never win or some bullshit
like that give me a
fucking break she even bragged about the whole ordeal to her affirmation
roommate classic guy he just
writes sheesh my girlfriend called my girlfriend called the cops and upon my
return from peru i set up
a restraining order against the redhead you should fucking charge you should
you should sue her
here's the problem all this drama has led to my girlfriend reconsidering her
willingness to give
me a second chance dude here's the real thing anytime some fucking smoking hot
girl just comes up to
you and throws it at you you know it's a head case uh go with a fake name um i
feel i feel real bad
about the whole situation and want to make it work between us but there's this
little voice in my head
says let her break up with you and start fresh i'm pretty confused i was gonna
say that just start
over again dude you're 26 what are you gonna you know you got a dick this is
gonna happen all right
so he goes i fucked up initially but forgiveness then got fucked with and the
forgiveness was retracted
anyways i hope you saw your sage advice is half as good as those fucking pies
you make thanks a lot and go
fuck yourself yeah dude you know what you gotta do you gotta walk and you gotta
have this crazy red-headed
bitch pay for your shit all right jesus christ she takes no responsibility in
that just walking around
throwing a fucking pussy at everybody i mean what the fuck you think's gonna
happen
it's you know it's a guy you can walk around throwing your dick at fucking
people for for years and not
get anything this is why there's the double standard you know if a guy does it
he's a stud because he has
to convince people just the way we're set it let's just it's the way we're set
up okay women are no
better than guys it's what it is is the way they're set up anatomically is they're
letting someone
enter their body that is a major decision sticking your dick in something it's
you know
it's fine it's like you know it's like putting cereal back in the cabinet i
mean you don't even
fucking think about um i probably you know there's probably ignorance in there
uh yeah i would just
say like you know what you're right i fucked up um that's a really big pet peeve
of mine that
fucking women get to do shit like that they just get to walk around destroy
your shit
just fucked up your tv and all that dude and you just and your whole thing is
just like sheesh
like we're like we like
we're just conditioned to be like all right that's what they do they ruin your
stuff
um dude you are 100 in the wrong you shouldn't have done it you definitely did
a piece of thing
you know but that doesn't give somebody the right to go to break into your
apartment that's
breaking and entering and destroying property she should be in jail um this is
what you do
i would break up with her and uh i would i would yeah i would try to take legal
action against the
redhead and at some point i'd you know you want to send her a note but don't do
it just say yeah
breaking and entering you know felons never win either whatever the that is um
yeah dude whatever you know it happened and uh yeah you know what i would do if
you're 26 stay
single for a while stay single for a while go to the gym get back in shape
figure out what the
you want to do do you want to a bunch of women or do you want to meet the one
you know
uh but i think at this point dude you got enough fucking drama
i can't believe she gets to do that like first of all she got laid the redhead
she got fucking laid
you know she had a great fucking time and she gets to bust up somebody's place
like a
fucking rock star and then walk out of there and feel like she's a fucking hero
this is why i don't give a that they make less an hour than i do because when
you add up all the
perks i mean it's a pretty good goddamn deal being a woman you know you get all
your emotions
out all the time you get to break up people's and you get to live longer than
men i don't know what the problem is you're going to complain about an extra 79
cents