Name: Bill Burr's Haunted House Story
Uploaded: 2023-10-23T17:30:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr's Haunted House Story' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr's Haunted House Story' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-23. Transcript available.

oh i gotta tell you this story i um i always look at houses you know i'm not
gonna sell my house i
love this place as much as i bitch that's why i bitch about it because i love
this house
and um and i'm gonna continue to repair it and i'm gonna do the homeowner
360 and when i have the whole thing fixed i'm gonna start over again on the
first job
because now it's gonna be up uh whatever i repaired at that point will then be
up
so anyways i um there was this house for sale and uh i went to go i went to go
see it and it
basically had everything that you could ever want right it's a beautiful house
you know from the
outside it was a beautiful house it had a pool it had garage detached from the
house with a room above
it which to me is like oh there you go i got the kid i got the house with the i
got the garage with
the room above it i put my drums up there turn it into a drum room slash
podcast room there you go
that is my dream so i go over to go look at this place right no one full well i'm
not gonna buy it
because i can tell at this point having bought a house that needed all the work
it does but as as
i'm driving up to it i can already see the windows need to be replaced and it
needs a new roof
even though they told me you know we checked out the roof there we had some
inspectors they said it's
fine oh yeah is that what they said why are all these water stains all over the
side of the house
what's that about i like how the windows don't quite they're not flush
look at that look at the rot around all of those windows this house i can tell
you right now is
already a borderline tear down and i haven't even gotten into it yet so i walk
into this house and holy
shit holy shit dude i i took a tour of this house there was three separate
times that i thought i was
going to get murdered all right first of all we go to look at the room above
the garage first and
there's just this this moss growing on the side of the house which i don't know
if it was mold or if
it was moss it was green and um the guy trying to sell it is you know he's
doing his best going you
know it's a mother-in-law suite you can do this you can do that there's room to
add a little more onto the
garage and i just point to the i'm like what is that and he goes yeah you know
you need to definitely
needs a little bit of work and uh so i go into the house and there's this
random guy
living there who isn't the owner as a ponytail it's sparsely furnished it was
made in the 1920s
so it's already like creepy you can already feel how many people have lived
there and are now dead
and uh
we just walk around the house it got remodeled sometime in the 90s yet it still
had the
fucking uh you know long cheney jr vibe of it from the 20s and uh i go
downstairs it was like a basement
which they just don't have out here and uh the guy's like he can make this into
a tv room and there
was all like these files and film and all this down there and like you know
that was the
first time i was thinking about like uh saw or the blair witch and i'm like all
right uh can we go back
upstairs we go back upstairs we go all the way upstairs then there was this
random like teenage
girl living there that was the daughter of the dude downstairs who wasn't who
lives there
but i don't know it's not his house and we look up there and there's this stuffy
smell
and then as we go down to go to the master bedroom they said oh the owner
is uh the owners just let you know the owner is there he's in the house which
usually they leave
there's all these people just there and this cat just sitting there looking at
me
and i do the after you to go to the master bedroom and he does the after you to
me and then i
didn't want to be rude so now i'm walking towards the master bedroom down this
creepy
fucking transylvania hall with the with the fucking the guy smiley real estate
agent behind me who you
know he's the i'm sitting there going like he's regular looking good looking
guy that was to make
me feel safe and now i'm and i'm walking towards this door and i open the door
and i look in there and i swear to god there's this guy with like gray skin
totally bald like the landing strip and then like you know like the little mr
whipple
hair around the side that he sort of died at some point but now it was like
this gray he was totally
gray you could see the veins on the side of his head like clint eastwood but
not like i wouldn't
want to fight clint eastwood more like did this guy die and then come back and
he was sitting down
hunched down i think he was typing on the side of his bed the place was a mess
he just sort of
looked over me and just like hey he looked like the dad in uh the texas chainsaw
massacre
and i was just like what the so i went like hey man how are you i sort of
stepped around him and then when i went to look into the bathroom which i did
for two seconds
you know trying to feel the backside pressure by the way you know like when a
quarterback doesn't
feel the rush you know trying to feel that axe that was about to go to my back
i look into the bathroom
and all along the bathtub this guy had knee-high dress socks drying on the and
i was just like
i was just like all right man i'll see you later and i did i like you ever see
that
walk racing that that was a big fad in the 70s i did that right out of that
house
and i told i said the real estate guy i go jesus christ i can see why this has
been on the market for
so long how the he's supposed to sell it when the goddamn creep kipper keeper
is
is creep keeper the crip keeper i'm like verbally dyslexic forget about trying
to read um he's
sitting up there i didn't dare look you know when i was standing there and i
said all this
shit i know those old houses you can hear everything when you're outside i was
standing right underneath
the fucking bedroom window and i didn't dare look up there because i had a
feeling he was going to be
standing in the window staring at me and i was going to have fucking nightmares
and uh and i just i just i
fucking left i left and i have this creepy fucking feeling that because i went
into that house i got
exposed to something and at some point today my home phone which i never use so
it never fucking rings
is going to ring and i'm going to pick it up and it's going to be that guy's
voice going seven days
and then i got to somehow expose somebody i know to it so i don't fucking die
i haven't said that it was a great house that had a lot of potential
oh my god jesus christ that that house needed a giant fucking hug needed to get
that guy out of
it and just the you needed to buy all the sage in the state of california and
fucking set it on fire
and if in one thing either happens either burns out all the spirits or it burns
down the house and you start
over again um i haven't said that though despite how fucking creepy it was uh
the fact that it had
a room over a garage that's that's the only way i would ever leave this house
is if i could find a
fucking house you know i don't know i gotta get out of this fucking state i
gotta get out of this
fucking city it's so fucking stupid every fucking house i don't care how nice
it is you can literally
stick your hand out the window and before your hand completely extends you can
touch your neighbor's
house it's unbelievable it's like where the do you have to go there's just too
many people