Name: That One Person on Thanksgiving | Bill Burr & Nia
Uploaded: 2023-11-20T16:00:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'That One Person on Thanksgiving | Bill Burr & Nia' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'That One Person on Thanksgiving | Bill Burr & Nia' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-20. Transcript available.

Thanksgiving dilemma. Hey Billy, so I will get right to the details. My family
is hosting
Thanksgiving this year. Oh Jesus. We have five people in our family, mom, dad,
and three brothers.
I am the middle child. We have grandparents from both my mom and dad's side
coming.
Along with my grandparents, we have cousins coming. All right, now here is my
dilemma.
Here's my dilemma comes into play. My cousin got married a while back and his
wife
has asked if her mom could come to our Thanksgiving dinner. Oh Jesus Christ.
Oh Jesus Christ. You know, there's something to be said
when you've lived that long and you don't have a Thanksgiving party to go to.
That probably means
you're a fucking asshole. My mom had to go, my mom had gotten into a little
dispute with her like a
few months ago and my mom fucking hates her. Ah Jesus Christ. You can't do that
people.
You can't get into a fight with your fucking in-laws. You can't do it. You can't
get in a fight with
your, uh, I don't even know what you call them. If your brother or sister gets
married, you can't
get into it with their fucking in-laws. You just can't do it. You got to bite
your tongue and just
be like, I'm going to sit here in my sweater. I'm going to smile and wave and
this is going to be
over. And then I'm going to go back to the life that I'm, that I'm leading,
that I built and I'll deal
with this person once a fucking year. Right. Why is there always a cunt male or
female? There's always
that one fucking person just doesn't know how to hang, doesn't know how to be a
good person. You know
what I mean? Like, like if you're annoying people on Thanksgiving, which is,
who's kidding who? That's
just the greatest day. You're hanging with the people you love. You're eating
way too much food. It's all
delicious. Everybody from all different families and shit is breaking out their
secret recipes.
There's football on, there's video games. You got the fire going. There is no
fucking reason
to even remotely be a cunt on that day or for the whole weekend. It's just a,
it's just a, it's the
greatest fucking weekend. College kids come back Wednesday night. Everybody
fucking hangs out. You get
to try to fucking hook up with people that you liked back in the day when you
were in high school.
Right. By the way, you got to do that Wednesday night hookup, man. You got to
do that until you're
like fucking 30 and everybody starts disappear. And then you got to realize you're
too fucking old.
And then maybe I should go out and fucking, uh, you know, maybe I should go out
and get married
myself or whatever. But, uh, right through your twenties, you got to hit that
every fucking time.
In fact, you know, we did a great rant about that. The one man thrill ride, the
one man thrill ride's
got a great one. I'll try to find that video. Um, he's got a great video about
that. But anyways,
yeah, there's no reason to be a cunt. I just don't fucking get it. And there's
nothing to like
your mom needs to set aside her shit. He had one fucking argument. All right.
Let me go back and
read. I already forget. Now this is, is this your, your mom's son's mother-in-law.
You have to get
along with her. My cousin got me. Oh, your cousin. Ah, it's a little distant.
Just, just be fucking civil.
You know, it's funny is when men don't like each other, it's way more civil.
That's a family event
like that because we solve shit with violence. You know what I mean? No one
wants to get involved
in that, but women, you know, are more mature, I guess. So they don't solve
shit with violence.
So all it is, is dirty looks and fucking, you know, sashy or sides or whatever
the fuck you call
them side glances and shit. They just all day long, they don't give a fuck.
They're just being just
openly being rude to one another. Oh my God. You know what you should do? You
should, you should have
like a fucking, I should just have an area to put people like that. All right.
You two douchebags
don't get along. So you can, you guys can both eat, you can eat Thanksgiving
dinner standing up
outside in the backyard. That's where you should stick them. Right. The fuck
out of here. All right.
My mom had gotten to a little dispute with her a few months ago and my mom
fucking hates her.
She's the type of lady that just sits on her ass and doesn't help making food,
doing the dishes,
cleaning up or anything. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. There's always one of those. We
know that. Yeah.
And then fucking goes to the, your bar and takes out the most expensive shit.
Doesn't finish it.
You know what I mean? Dumps it down the fucking sink. Uh, we know this from the
few times we hung out
with her at family gatherings. My cousin's wife's mom has no other place to go
for Thanksgiving.
Yeah. Gee, why do you think that is? Cause she doesn't help making the food.
She doesn't do the
dishes. She doesn't clean up or anything. She's a douche. Oh my God. I fucking
hate this person.
Um, but honestly, none of us really know her or nor do we want her to come and
make our day awkward.
I guess I just need to ask advice on how we respond to my cousin and tell him
that that bitch isn't
invited. We don't know how to do it without hurting feelings or making it weird
the next time we see
them. Um, you can bring Nia in on this one if she knows how to set this bitch
down easy. You know
what? I'm going to go get her. Hang on one second. Hang on one second. Hey Nia,
I need your help on
this one. All right. Even though you're still mad at me for my, my rude comment
earlier. Can you,
can you come over? This is, this is, this is recording live. Can you, Cleo, get
down, get down,
buddy. I'm sorry. Get over there. Lay down. Go on. Nia. All right. Come over
here. So long story
short, this guy's got a dilemma. He's having, he's having Thanksgiving at his
house. Okay. So here's
his dilemma. His cousin got married a while back and his cousin's wife asked if
her mom can come
along. Okay. All right. And evidently she's a douche. She doesn't help with the
cooking. She
doesn't help with the cleaning. She just sits around. She's a jerk. Okay. And
guess what? She has no
place to go for Thanksgiving. Can you believe it? Right. Can you believe this
jerk? Come over here near
the microphone. I know. I know. Just really quickly. Oh my God. You're so mad
at me right now. So what's
the question? So how can he, how can he just in a nice way, let this woman down
easy? Like
how can you just say, listen, we'd love to have your mother over here if she
wasn't such
a jerk and she wasn't going to ruin Thanksgiving. So wait, so the cousin is
coming. The cousin
was invited. Yep. And he's bringing his wife. They're both invited. They just
don't want them
to bring his cousin's wife's mom. Yeah. That's an impossible situation. I feel
you though,
because you want to be like, what's my house? I can have out whoever I want
over. And if I don't
want this person over, I shouldn't. But the thing is with the holidays and
family, and this is the
cousin's wife's mom, that's when you're not going to be able to win. So I feel
like you can't turn them
down and say, no, they can't come because that will create a bigger problem
than it's worth.
And so what does she do? She just doesn't like, my mom got into a little
dispute with her a few
months ago and my mom fucking hates her. Oh, it's brutal. Okay. Well, you know,
I love that. You
have to be like the bigger person and just allow this fucking stick in the mud
to come over and ruin
this person's Thanksgiving. I really feel for this person. This fucking blows.
I think, I think what
you can do is, especially since the mom doesn't get along with her, I think it
may be one of those
things like, you know what? We're really only prepared for like this many
people. And, but they
had the fight and the falling out. They're going to know what's up. They're
going to know why she's
not. Somebody says, can, can you, can I bring my mom? You have to say yes. You
can, no, your mom
could stay at home. That's the thing about it. And the thing is, I would, I
think maybe this is more
advice for the next time. Next time you can invite your cousin over. That's
what it is. That's what
it is. This year's Thanksgiving is going to stink, but the rest of them won't
because your cousin
can't come the next time. Yeah. Just, I mean, just ignore that woman for now.
If she doesn't help or
whatever, it's, you know, whatever it is. You got to have fun with it. Yeah.
And you can also say,
oh, Hey, um, you know, whatever her name is, Susan, do you mind, you know,
gathering a couple of
those plates for us? And, you know, just kind of like, just throw that in there.
But if she's
continuing to be that way, I'm sorry, but your cousins can't come to your
Thanksgiving anymore
because she's going to be a part of the package. And if they bring it up, just
say, you know what,
to be honest, our mom doesn't really get along with her and we feel like it
gets uncomfortable. And
you know, maybe they can come by for pie at the end of the night or something
and they can just,
or maybe we can bring it out to the car and just hand it to you. Right. As they're,
as they're
driving by, as they're driving by, just stick your hand out the window and I'll
just have it on a,
I'll have it on a plate. You know, we used to do when there was somebody like
that around,
we would, there would be some sort of inside joke that whenever the person was
behaving the way
that we hated, it was the inside joke with the other people where you would
just like sing a song,
you know, make it, you know, clean up the dishes and she doesn't do it. And
then you just walk away
and you just sing like, just once can we try and it just becomes, and it
actually makes it fun.
But I really think you should just do the thing where you ask her to help out.
Hey,
do you mind grabbing the plates and setting them out? You're so good at that
too.
I do do that really well. I'm really good at like, oh, do you mind just
grabbing this for me
really quickly? It's all laced with, with, Hey, do you mind not being such a
selfish douche?
Exactly. Like it's, you know, it's, it's customary when you're invited to
somebody's place
over to dinner or anything. Can I help you with the dishes? Do you need
anything? Like that's
the custom, even if the person's like, no, no, no, no, I got it. I got it. I
got it. It's,
it's customary. It's an etiquette thing to at least ask if you can help out or
bring wine or
something like that. Yeah. And here's, here's a major red flag. If you're that
fucking old and you
have nowhere to go for Thanksgiving and there wasn't some boating accident that
all your family
was on, like, how do you not have anywhere to go? Nobody wants to spend
Thanksgiving with
you. Pick up a dirty plate. You're selfish. Well, the thing is like the cousin
and the wife
and the cousin's mother-in-law, they, they can't do their own thing separately.
I mean,
maybe not. Maybe it's, well, it's all about the big family gathering, but I
think that's,
I think you just got to grin and bear it. I think you should definitely gently
suggest to her,
Hey, do you mind grabbing this? Just little stuff, not crazy. Cause then she'll
be onto you and it'll
be like a real big blowout and you don't want that, but just subtly. Hey, uh,
Turkey douche.
You mind, uh, keep mine. Exactly. But next year. Yeah. You just can't invite it.
You know what?
We're actually going to do a really small Thanksgiving this year. It's just
going to be me and the wife
and my mom. Like no assholes. We're just doing a small this year. You have to
be very gentle about
it, but that's how you get around it is that you just don't invite the people
that are attached to the
people that you don't like, which sucks, but that's how it goes. Here's the
other thing. Watch,
watch, watch, watch, watch your alcohol intake because you're, the truth might
be coming out.
Later on, you might say something and the alcohol will start going like, no,
say it,
say it. It's your day. It's your Thanksgiving too. All right. I will do that.
Okay. Who do I make
this out to? Can I give a shout out to, uh, can we shout out Justin? Absolutely.
Shout out to
Justin Long and his brother, Christian Long. Um, they listen to the podcast and
they're awesome.
Justin, you know what I found out the next day after we met each other? You and
I have the exact
same birthday, the exact same birthday, month, day, year. How crazy is that?
And why was Justin
there? He was there because he does a voice on F is for family coming to
Netflix on December 18th.
Yeah, there you go. And he's been so great, man. He tweeted out, uh, you know,
he was tweeting the
hell out of the, uh, the teaser and all that. And, uh, he, he does the voice of
Kevin and he is
fucking hilarious. And it was one of my favorite characters to write for once I
saw what Justin was
going to do with it. So, uh, um, we had a lot of fun hanging with them. Well, Nia,
thank you so much.
The lovely Nia, everybody. Thank you so much. Yeah. Coming on the podcast.
Support to support you at the Madison Square Garden. You were incredible. You
were amazing.
You were in the zone. I was very proud of you. Thank you.

That One Person on Thanksgiving | Bill Burr & Nia

Thanksgiving dilemma. Hey Billy, so I will get right to the details. My family
is hosting
Thanksgiving this year. Oh Jesus. We have five people in our family, mom, dad,
and three brothers.
I am the middle child. We have grandparents from both my mom and dad's side
coming.
Along with my grandparents, we have cousins coming. All right, now here is my
dilemma.
Here's my dilemma comes into play. My cousin got married a while back and his
wife
has asked if her mom could come to our Thanksgiving dinner. Oh Jesus Christ.
Oh Jesus Christ. You know, there's something to be said
when you've lived that long and you don't have a Thanksgiving party to go to.
That probably means
you're a fucking asshole. My mom had to go, my mom had gotten into a little
dispute with her like a
few months ago and my mom fucking hates her. Ah Jesus Christ. You can't do that
people.
You can't get into a fight with your fucking in-laws. You can't do it. You can't
get in a fight with
your, uh, I don't even know what you call them. If your brother or sister gets
married, you can't
get into it with their fucking in-laws. You just can't do it. You got to bite
your tongue and just
be like, I'm going to sit here in my sweater. I'm going to smile and wave and
this is going to be
over. And then I'm going to go back to the life that I'm, that I'm leading,
that I built and I'll deal
with this person once a fucking year. Right. Why is there always a cunt male or
female? There's always
that one fucking person just doesn't know how to hang, doesn't know how to be a
good person. You know
what I mean? Like, like if you're annoying people on Thanksgiving, which is,
who's kidding who? That's
just the greatest day. You're hanging with the people you love. You're eating
way too much food. It's all
delicious. Everybody from all different families and shit is breaking out their
secret recipes.
There's football on, there's video games. You got the fire going. There is no
fucking reason
to even remotely be a cunt on that day or for the whole weekend. It's just a,
it's just a, it's the
greatest fucking weekend. College kids come back Wednesday night. Everybody
fucking hangs out. You get
to try to fucking hook up with people that you liked back in the day when you
were in high school.
Right. By the way, you got to do that Wednesday night hookup, man. You got to
do that until you're
like fucking 30 and everybody starts disappear. And then you got to realize you're
too fucking old.
And then maybe I should go out and fucking, uh, you know, maybe I should go out
and get married
myself or whatever. But, uh, right through your twenties, you got to hit that
every fucking time.
In fact, you know, we did a great rant about that. The one man thrill ride, the
one man thrill ride's
got a great one. I'll try to find that video. Um, he's got a great video about
that. But anyways,
yeah, there's no reason to be a cunt. I just don't fucking get it. And there's
nothing to like
your mom needs to set aside her shit. He had one fucking argument. All right.
Let me go back and
read. I already forget. Now this is, is this your, your mom's son's mother-in-law.
You have to get
along with her. My cousin got me. Oh, your cousin. Ah, it's a little distant.
Just, just be fucking civil.
You know, it's funny is when men don't like each other, it's way more civil.
That's a family event
like that because we solve shit with violence. You know what I mean? No one
wants to get involved
in that, but women, you know, are more mature, I guess. So they don't solve
shit with violence.
So all it is, is dirty looks and fucking, you know, sashy or sides or whatever
the fuck you call
them side glances and shit. They just all day long, they don't give a fuck.
They're just being just
openly being rude to one another. Oh my God. You know what you should do? You
should, you should have
like a fucking, I should just have an area to put people like that. All right.
You two douchebags
don't get along. So you can, you guys can both eat, you can eat Thanksgiving
dinner standing up
outside in the backyard. That's where you should stick them. Right. The fuck
out of here. All right.
My mom had gotten to a little dispute with her a few months ago and my mom
fucking hates her.
She's the type of lady that just sits on her ass and doesn't help making food,
doing the dishes,
cleaning up or anything. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. There's always one of those. We
know that. Yeah.
And then fucking goes to the, your bar and takes out the most expensive shit.
Doesn't finish it.
You know what I mean? Dumps it down the fucking sink. Uh, we know this from the
few times we hung out
with her at family gatherings. My cousin's wife's mom has no other place to go
for Thanksgiving.
Yeah. Gee, why do you think that is? Cause she doesn't help making the food.
She doesn't do the
dishes. She doesn't clean up or anything. She's a douche. Oh my God. I fucking
hate this person.
Um, but honestly, none of us really know her or nor do we want her to come and
make our day awkward.
I guess I just need to ask advice on how we respond to my cousin and tell him
that that bitch isn't
invited. We don't know how to do it without hurting feelings or making it weird
the next time we see
them. Um, you can bring Nia in on this one if she knows how to set this bitch
down easy. You know
what? I'm going to go get her. Hang on one second. Hang on one second. Hey Nia,
I need your help on
this one. All right. Even though you're still mad at me for my, my rude comment
earlier. Can you,
can you come over? This is, this is, this is recording live. Can you, Cleo, get
down, get down,
buddy. I'm sorry. Get over there. Lay down. Go on. Nia. All right. Come over
here. So long story
short, this guy's got a dilemma. He's having, he's having Thanksgiving at his
house. Okay. So here's
his dilemma. His cousin got married a while back and his cousin's wife asked if
her mom can come
along. Okay. All right. And evidently she's a douche. She doesn't help with the
cooking. She
doesn't help with the cleaning. She just sits around. She's a jerk. Okay. And
guess what? She has no
place to go for Thanksgiving. Can you believe it? Right. Can you believe this
jerk? Come over here near
the microphone. I know. I know. Just really quickly. Oh my God. You're so mad
at me right now. So what's
the question? So how can he, how can he just in a nice way, let this woman down
easy? Like
how can you just say, listen, we'd love to have your mother over here if she
wasn't such
a jerk and she wasn't going to ruin Thanksgiving. So wait, so the cousin is
coming. The cousin
was invited. Yep. And he's bringing his wife. They're both invited. They just
don't want them
to bring his cousin's wife's mom. Yeah. That's an impossible situation. I feel
you though,
because you want to be like, what's my house? I can have out whoever I want
over. And if I don't
want this person over, I shouldn't. But the thing is with the holidays and
family, and this is the
cousin's wife's mom, that's when you're not going to be able to win. So I feel
like you can't turn them
down and say, no, they can't come because that will create a bigger problem
than it's worth.
And so what does she do? She just doesn't like, my mom got into a little
dispute with her a few
months ago and my mom fucking hates her. Oh, it's brutal. Okay. Well, you know,
I love that. You
have to be like the bigger person and just allow this fucking stick in the mud
to come over and ruin
this person's Thanksgiving. I really feel for this person. This fucking blows.
I think, I think what
you can do is, especially since the mom doesn't get along with her, I think it
may be one of those
things like, you know what? We're really only prepared for like this many
people. And, but they
had the fight and the falling out. They're going to know what's up. They're
going to know why she's
not. Somebody says, can, can you, can I bring my mom? You have to say yes. You
can, no, your mom
could stay at home. That's the thing about it. And the thing is, I would, I
think maybe this is more
advice for the next time. Next time you can invite your cousin over. That's
what it is. That's what
it is. This year's Thanksgiving is going to stink, but the rest of them won't
because your cousin
can't come the next time. Yeah. Just, I mean, just ignore that woman for now.
If she doesn't help or
whatever, it's, you know, whatever it is. You got to have fun with it. Yeah.
And you can also say,
oh, Hey, um, you know, whatever her name is, Susan, do you mind, you know,
gathering a couple of
those plates for us? And, you know, just kind of like, just throw that in there.
But if she's
continuing to be that way, I'm sorry, but your cousins can't come to your
Thanksgiving anymore
because she's going to be a part of the package. And if they bring it up, just
say, you know what,
to be honest, our mom doesn't really get along with her and we feel like it
gets uncomfortable. And
you know, maybe they can come by for pie at the end of the night or something
and they can just,
or maybe we can bring it out to the car and just hand it to you. Right. As they're,
as they're
driving by, as they're driving by, just stick your hand out the window and I'll
just have it on a,
I'll have it on a plate. You know, we used to do when there was somebody like
that around,
we would, there would be some sort of inside joke that whenever the person was
behaving the way
that we hated, it was the inside joke with the other people where you would
just like sing a song,
you know, make it, you know, clean up the dishes and she doesn't do it. And
then you just walk away
and you just sing like, just once can we try and it just becomes, and it
actually makes it fun.
But I really think you should just do the thing where you ask her to help out.
Hey,
do you mind grabbing the plates and setting them out? You're so good at that
too.
I do do that really well. I'm really good at like, oh, do you mind just
grabbing this for me
really quickly? It's all laced with, with, Hey, do you mind not being such a
selfish douche?
Exactly. Like it's, you know, it's, it's customary when you're invited to
somebody's place
over to dinner or anything. Can I help you with the dishes? Do you need
anything? Like that's
the custom, even if the person's like, no, no, no, no, I got it. I got it. I
got it. It's,
it's customary. It's an etiquette thing to at least ask if you can help out or
bring wine or
something like that. Yeah. And here's, here's a major red flag. If you're that
fucking old and you
have nowhere to go for Thanksgiving and there wasn't some boating accident that
all your family
was on, like, how do you not have anywhere to go? Nobody wants to spend
Thanksgiving with
you. Pick up a dirty plate. You're selfish. Well, the thing is like the cousin
and the wife
and the cousin's mother-in-law, they, they can't do their own thing separately.
I mean,
maybe not. Maybe it's, well, it's all about the big family gathering, but I
think that's,
I think you just got to grin and bear it. I think you should definitely gently
suggest to her,
Hey, do you mind grabbing this? Just little stuff, not crazy. Cause then she'll
be onto you and it'll
be like a real big blowout and you don't want that, but just subtly. Hey, uh,
Turkey douche.
You mind, uh, keep mine. Exactly. But next year. Yeah. You just can't invite it.
You know what?
We're actually going to do a really small Thanksgiving this year. It's just
going to be me and the wife
and my mom. Like no assholes. We're just doing a small this year. You have to
be very gentle about
it, but that's how you get around it is that you just don't invite the people
that are attached to the
people that you don't like, which sucks, but that's how it goes. Here's the
other thing. Watch,
watch, watch, watch, watch your alcohol intake because you're, the truth might
be coming out.
Later on, you might say something and the alcohol will start going like, no,
say it,
say it. It's your day. It's your Thanksgiving too