Name: Bill Burr's Worst Day On The Road
Uploaded: 2024-01-17T15:30:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr's Worst Day On The Road' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr's Worst Day On The Road' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-17. Transcript available.

I put Jackie in storage, and I take out the old girl, right?
And I drove her for like five fucking days.
And, of course, the battery died because I forgot to unhook the terminals there.
Had to get a jump down at the comedy store.
And anyway, so I'm going to return the car today.
And it's the day before I go on the road.
So we have a rule in my house.
In my house, there is a rule.
Basically, the day before I go on the road, it's family day.
I hang out, you know, I make breakfast.
I made some fucking meatballs.
I cooked the goddamn chicken.
I make sure she's got food in the fridge.
You know, I'm a hell of a guy.
So I make sure she's going to be all right, right?
So I go, all right, I got to return my truck.
She's like, when are you going to be back?
I'm like, I'm going to be back soon.
All right?
So I get in the truck, and I do what I always do.
I drive down the, I got to move fucking, you know, I got to move her car.
I become like a valet because I have the shittiest driveway ever, right?
So I'm fucking driving up the street.
And as always, big, stupid grin on my face.
It's my favorite thing ever.
It's three on the tree.
It's so much fun to drive.
And whenever I get a little bit of space out here, I just get to fucking run
through all three gears.
That's all I want to do.
Every time I do, I get right.
And when the second I get it into third gear, I always have the window down.
Even though I put some AC in there, I never fucking knew.
I didn't use it for so long.
I turned it on, and all this white shit came out.
And I breathed it in, and probably took like fucking nine years off my life.
Anytime I get it up into third gear, and I'm cruising down the street, I always
do the same thing.
I always go, woo, every time.
I never did that once in nine years of owning my Prius, ever.
It's just, it's the greatest sound in the fucking world.
It's the sound of a big fucking American engine, making it great, running
through the fucking gears.
Loud pipes, it's the greatest fucking sound ever.
And every time I get through, woo, I go up the street, right?
So I'm having a great time.
You know, I'm driving down the street.
I got the AM radio on.
I usually listen to Keyshawn Johnson's fucking sports show, but, you know, it's
the weekend, so it wasn't on.
And anyways, I get on to, you know, I get on to the fucking highway, and of
course, I'm cruising along.
And right before we get to, I get to my exit, it is just like this traffic from
fucking, it's like five in the afternoon traffic of a fucking truck jackknife.
And it's just, of course, my exit.
And I told the people I'd be over there by noon, so I'm starting to feel
stressed.
I'm like, what the fuck is going on?
So I try to make a fucking, you know, a Boston move here, right?
Even though I'm from the suburbs, a Massachusetts move.
I'm going to go around all this shit, act like I'm going to drive by, and then
I'm going to fucking cut in.
And I don't know what the fuck was going on.
I couldn't see any accidents, so I'm trying to go from one highway to another.
So I know what I'll do.
I'll just fucking, rather than go east like I want to, I'll just get on the
west side.
I'll take the highway west, go down one exit, and then I'll curl back around.
Because I can see on the overpass, there's no fucking traffic.
I don't know whether it was like this offshoot to the on-ramp, right, that
everyone was going down.
Like, I don't know what the, like, Paul Simon was doing like a free concert or
some shit.
That was the level of traffic.
So I say, fuck it.
I get out of the traffic, I drive down, get it up to third gear, woo, right?
I fucking go to go west to turn one fucking block, you know, one exit up, and
then come back around.
And as I fucking go there, all of a sudden, this is all this other traffic
going the other direction.
And this is the first time since I started meditating that I had an absolute
meltdown.
I literally screamed as loud as I possibly could, fuck you, L.A.
Every fucking cock sucking, motherfucking, cunt fucking, every word you could
possibly think, you know?
And then I'm fucking just stuck in even worse traffic going the other way to go
one fucking exit, you know, up to come back around.
And all I'm thinking is where the fuck I would be if I just took the pain to
begin with and just stayed in that traffic jam.
I'd be creeping forward and whatever.
Why didn't I just call the place and say I was going to be a little late?
Oh, you know what, Bill?
Because that would have been the chill thing to do, right?
I didn't.
So it turns out I look up.
I'm like, what the?
This is like it's Saturday at noon.
How is there five o'clock in the afternoon on Friday traffic?
I am like literally beside myself.
Just saying every curse I possibly can.
And I look up and there's two little flashers going on and it's tow truck flashers,
right?
And I'm like, oh, here we go.
This is all rubbernecking.
And on the other side of the road, it's fucking going, you know, like gangbusters.
Everybody's cruising by.
That's where I want to be.
It's right fucking there.
Right?
And I can't get to it.
So I'm like, you fucking fucking rubbernecking piece.
What's it going to be changing a tire?
It's going to be a fender bender and I'm losing my shit.
Now, if I was a fucking dictator, I would deliberately have a car on the side
of the road changing a tire.
Whenever I slowed down and looked at it, it would be eliminated, would be
removed from society, fed to the fucking pigs, whatever the hell.
Whatever that fat fucking North Korea does to his goddamn relatives, feeds them
to dogs.
That's what I would do.
I was actually, I was so fucking mad.
I was like, you know, that fat fucking North Korea, he's actually making sense
to me, you know?
So I get all the way up.
I should be careful, man.
He might send somebody over here to mist me.
Like he did to his other, you know, he set up those two fucking whores over
there, right?
To take out his fucking stepbrother.
So anyways, I get all the way up to the traffic jam.
And of course, it's a little fender bender.
There's people standing there.
There's nothing going on.
But I'm finally going to get past it.
Finally going to get off the exit, come around and fucking run through the
gears and fucking go down the other side.
And what do I see on the other side of the road where it was all nice and clear?
Now there's major traffic because the dumb cunts on the other side of the
highway are slowing down to look at the shit on my side of the highway.
So now I got to sit through it fucking twice.
And something told me, don't get off at the first exit, Bill.
Everybody has this idea.
Go to the second exit and, you know, and then come back.
And guess what I did?
I ignored that instinct.
Got off the first one.
Fucking dead stop traffic.
And the only way to get back on the highway is I got to make this illegal U-turn.
And I don't give a fuck.
I'm making it.
And I'm just sitting there cock sucking motherfucking dictator fucking cut all
their fucking heads off.
And I'm getting ready to make my illegal U-turn.
And I just happen to look at my rearview mirror.
And guess what's two cars behind me?
A fucking cop.
I'm like, what are the fucking odds?
Now I got to go straight.
I said, fuck this.
So I get in the right lane.
And I just cruise up.
And I get out of his sight.
I finally fucking turn around.
I finally got into a good lane.
And I came back.
And then I got back under traffic again.
Looked at the same people.
Looking at the same accident.
There was nothing going on.
And then I fucking finally was able to continue on.
And of course I made the call.
There was no problem.
Nobody gave a shit.
Nobody yelled at me.
It was fine.
I completely lost my shit.
And I got so fucking mad that when I saw the people on the other side of the
road rubbernecking, I gave them the finger.
And I was all the way to the right, getting off the highway.
And I gave all of them the finger.
I mean, like, do you realize how immature that is?
I mean, I was just like, have you ever been embarrassed about yourself by
yourself?
Like, I actually hit that level.
Because, like, I stuck my whole fucking arm out the window, giving them the
finger.
The person behind me could see it, be like, who's this guy giving the finger to?
You know, I'm basically saying it wasn't one of my best moments.