Name: Best Advice From Bill Burr Ep. 1
Uploaded: 2024-02-05T18:45:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Best Advice From Bill Burr Ep. 1' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Best Advice From Bill Burr Ep. 1' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-05. Transcript available.

Best Advice From Bill Burr Ep. 1

What you got to do is you got to take the feeling, you got to push it down in
you,
you got to bury it, all right?
And then you let it out slowly after six drinks onto unsuspecting strangers.
That's how you do it.
No, that's not what you do.
What you do is reality.
What most men, what you should do after being dumped is what you should do,
what Chris Bosh did after they lost the championship that year.
I think it was to the Mavericks.
He just dropped to the floor and he cried it out of himself.
And everybody made fun of that guy.
Do you realize how much more healthier men would be if we could actually do
that?
It would be absolutely horrific for women to see.
And as much as they say they want to see it, they don't want to see it.
You know what I mean?
That's like the male equivalent of watching your wife change higher.
You don't want to see that.
Just seeing her out there jacking up the car and maybe making a strong throw
from third base.
That's just some things that men and women, you think you want to see it.
You don't want to see it.
What if she grunt a little bit when she threw, just fucking threw a laser,
right?
Ball takes a funny hop and she's still able to fucking, fucking, you don't want
to see it.
Not saying it's wrong, but there's just certain things.
It's just like, just, you know, drives them up and sends us fucking, you know,
pitching to the right or the left there.
Well, fucking Stan is down for the count, if you know what I mean.
All right.
Dear Billy boy.
I actually used to say yawing to the left.
I'm going to go aviation here.
I am a 28 year old dude.
The beginning of the year was life kicking me in the nuts.
My girlfriend been together for 10 years, left me for some rich older fuck.
Oh man.
Well, if you want to feel better about yourself, just listen to the eagle's
lying eyes, you know, because that's what the fuck she just walked into.
Unless he's only a few years older.
But if he's a lot older, I mean, what the fuck?
Come on, man.
What kind of young woman wants some guy's dick coming at him with their fucking
salt and pepper pubes?
I mean, that's, no woman lays in bed dreaming about that.
I can tell you that right now.
All right.
Needle, need, needles, needless to say.
You wrote needles.
Needless to say, but I will.
It got me absolutely heartbroken, depressed as fuck, feeling that I lost all my
goals in life, had to leave our apartment, which I renovated for us.
To finally be our no place like home place.
Had to move for a while back in with my parents.
That's always a hard time.
Started hating my job.
Yeah, dude, that's awesome.
Dude, what you got going on here is you have a new beginning.
All right.
You got to understand the kind of person that would leave you to go get with
some rich older guy.
I mean, I don't know anything about your relationship.
I mean, it seems like you had a job.
You renovated the apartment.
You do seem like a motivated guy.
It'd be one thing if you're sitting around in your ass.
Look, if you're sitting around in your ass, you're not doing anything.
You just, you cannot expect a woman to stay with you.
You're fucking useless.
As a man, if you're not providing, what are you doing?
You're just a big kid.
They don't need that.
They're 180 pounds of fucking excess weight just dragging them down to the
ground.
They got one life.
They're going to go fucking live it.
So, but you have a job.
You renovated the place.
You sound like a good guy.
Granted, you're writing the email.
Here we go.
If it wasn't for the best friends in the fucking world, I don't know what I'd
do.
So, it's been like eight months.
Got my shit together.
Lost weight.
Started learning a new language.
Here you go.
Started studying.
Giving lectures in clubs.
And banging a hot, smart 22-year-old girl.
And that banging is the shit, he's saying here.
Look at this guy.
Turned his life around.
You know what?
I can tell you all your friends wish that they got dumped at this point.
Seeing you all of a sudden walking around like you're the new Johnny Bravo
there.
But the shitty thoughts about the ex still stir in my head.
Well, it's natural, man.
You were together for 10 years.
Eight months later, you know, one 22-year-old in a new fucking language.
You're normal.
That's normal.
He goes, I feel bad because all that crap lands on this new girl.
Oh, dude, that's the first wrong thing you've done.
10 years of sharing experience is kind of hard to forget.
And it always pops up.
I'm smart and sensitive enough to know what I'm doing is wrong.
Well, there you go.
Look at this guy.
You're an evolved guy.
He says, although something inside says, dude, the fuck is wrong with you?
You should never say that to her.
Never compare her to the ex.
Yeah, don't do that.
Never demand something she can't deliver.
But somehow I still do it to the new girl and it hurts her.
How do I get to stop being a douche to this chick?
Well, step one is you're admitting it.
And how about this?
There's a huge difference between 22 and 28 and a level of maturity.
32 to 38 is not that much different.
But 22 to 28, you basically go from being a kid to being an adult.
Even though legally you're considered an adult, that's a huge difference, you
know?
I mean, if you're 28 years old, you go out on a date with somebody and you go,
what's your major?
That should be the beginning of when it starts feeling creepy.
You know, I don't know.
I always did.
I was just kind of like, oh, my God, this person's still in fucking college.
You have a teacher in a semester, you know?
What the fuck?
I mean, just you can't even relate to it.
So how do you stop being a douche to this chick?
I would actually sit down with her first off and I would apologize for doing it.
That's the first thing you need to do.
And get it out in the open and just say that, you know, I'm going to really
work hard to not do it.
And please call me out when I'm doing it.
And I'm going to do my best to immediately stop it.
Just know that I'm coming down from a 10-year dump here.
And it's going to take me a little bit.
So if you can be patient with me.
But the last thing I want to do is hurt you.
And this is not fair to you.
That's the first thing I would do.
Yeah, I would get a flowers and I would totally fucking apologize.
And be on my fucking best behavior, you know, for a while, man.
Because it's really a horrible thing to do, to take out your life on somebody
else.
Take out your childhood and other people, which I did for fucking like 15 years.
You know, it's bad.
Remember that, what was that fucking show where that guy, my name is Earl.
You know, I could do that.
Just with my fucking relationships with women.
That was fucking bad.
Anyways, all right.
So I'm not saying I'm above you or anything like that.
All right.
See that?
Put myself right on your level.
I've done the same fucking thing.
So if I could go back in time, that's what I would have done.
If there was a podcast that I could have written to.
But I did.
I was in a vacuum.
All right.
Response from a lady.
Dear Billy Big Beard Mustache.
A huge fan long time.
Listen, from a lady.
Two things I want to write about.
One, I also struggle with holding my tongue at the park in regards to other
people's children.
Oh, good.
You make me feel better.
Especially when the children are much older than mine.
My son is a small five-year-old.
And while at a splash pad, parentheses, water, but not swimming.
I'm familiar with these.
These obese nine to 12-year-olds were shoving my son and threw him to the
ground, running past him at full speed and knocking him over.
I yelled out, hey, and no, to the other kids.
The mom, of course, was pissed that I yelled out.
Yeah, these parents today.
Don't yell at my kid.
Well, he's a fat, sweaty animal.
Why don't you stop feeding him?
And why don't you talk to him?
Turn him into a young adult.
Rather than solving everything with a fucking banana split.
Can't say any of that.
You know, if I was making America great again, you'd be able to say that to
another parent at a fucking playground.
Okay, the mom, of course, was pissed that I yelled out.
After that, she would yell out, those are my boys.
Those are my boys.
Be the alpha male.
And stare at me like she wanted a confrontation.
Oh, she would have got one.
She would have on some stiletto heels.
Mind you, she is also an obese, tall individual.
And I was afraid that if I confronted her, she'd sit on me.
Ah, fuck that fat shit.
This is all you do.
You get in their wheelhouse.
You hop in and you hop out.
That's how you beat a fat guy.
You hop in.
They fucking overcommit.
All right?
Unless they know what they're doing, which you never know nowadays.
But say they don't.
You hop in.
They think they got you.
They lunge for you.
And then you hop out.
And then gravity takes over.
And then they face plant.
All right?
And then they're laying face down.
But it's like a turtle that's upside down.
And you leave them there.
And you let them bake.
Think about what they did.
That's how you beat a fat parent without throwing a punch.
All right.
I don't even know if that works.
But it sounds good, doesn't it?
Where am I?
I notice people are doing less to ensure their children are little shit.
Shits.
It seems like every time we are at the park, there's rough kids who are
absolute savages.
And their parents just don't give a shit if they're bullying other kids.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And they start doing it.
It's natural selection.
Whatever.
Just know this.
You just protect your kid.
And know that someday that fucking moron will be shoveling shit into a truck.
And I literally mean shit.
In regards to the woman whose friend, who's blunt, I'm also very large-breasted,
but my frame is very small.
And I can say I've never had an issue with that being taken seriously by men.
They'll see my rack on sight, yes, but it's not likely they only see a walking
pair of tits.
Well, even if they do, I mean, you should be able to, within a couple of
questions, you should figure out, you know.
That, you know, that's all the guy's into, right?
I've had plenty of meaningful relationships as an adult with a large chest.
Fuck that lady and fuck all of those friends.
If I were her friend and someone in that circle said that, I'd immediately call
the woman out on being a dick.
Thanks and go fuck yourself.
What a great, I like this person.
I like people who see the world the way I do.
You agree with me.
You're a good person.
I like you.
Dear Bill, my girlfriend recently got active in politics.
Occasionally she says stuff that makes no sense because it's secondhand
information from memes.
Well, yeah, if that's what you're using for your fountain of information.
But who am I to judge?
I just Google shit and I read the first article like most people.
Once I had to explain to her how Congress worked because she insisted bills don't
go to Capitol Hill.
Oh, boy.
I even sang her the song.
She admitted to being wrong.
Well, that's a big thing for an adult to do.
And we agreed that for argument's sake, we, parentheses, she won't quote
internet facts.
Oh, man, this relationship.
Somebody's going to have to give here.
Either you're going to have to give into her a tinfoil hat reactionary, like I
said, Google it, read the first article, research done, or she's going to have
to come your way.
And it's going to be torture for both of you.
All right, cut to this week.
She's saying that we need to cancel landlords.
I had to try and gather myself to explain to her that her father was a landlord.
He has a business and owns the building, but rents out office space on the
other side.
She said, quote, that's different.
Oh, boy.
She started spouting off all these bullshit facts that I trace back to a Teen Vogue
article.
Oh, wow, dude.
So you write this shit down and then look it up.
And oh, I.
God bless you, sir.
You have both of your balls firmly within your grasp of this relationship that
you're going to fucking take her.
You're going to take it down to the mat like this.
All right.
I'm 26 and she's 24.
I j