Name: The Best Advice From Bill Burr Ep. 2
Uploaded: 2024-02-20T16:00:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Advice From Bill Burr Ep. 2' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Advice From Bill Burr Ep. 2' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-20. Transcript available.

The Best Advice From Bill Burr Ep. 2

hot girl and coffee shop i like the sound of this already uh oh billy booze
list that's right billy
booze list 80 days will be 81 by the time you listen to this unless i go off
the rails tonight
um big fan of your stand up and the podcast all the way from glasgow scotland
sorry i'm yawning
all the way from glasgow scotland uh i'll cut to the chase
um glasgow scotland that's where um acdc recorded their if you want blood live
album
right in a venue that doesn't exist anymore because i tried to find it when i
was over there
i'll cut to the chase i'm a 23 year old guy who had who has recently graduated
from college
and moved down to london about five months ago to start a new job all right i
am enjoying life
in my new surroundings and the girls down here are of another planet compared
to back home
however there is one there is one there is one four in particular who has
caught my attention
and i'd like your advice on the best way to ask her out the lovely nia's advice
is welcome she'd
probably have a better idea of what to do here than i would but she's not here
as i'm in green bay wisconsin right now all right she works in a coffee shop
near my work and she
is immense easily a 9.3 slash 10 i never have a problem with women but 90 of
the time i have had
a few beers in me at the time and my confidence is at its peak can you give me
any advice on how to
ask this girl out giving that it's a small coffee shop in full view of the
general public uh we had
some chat oh that's good so i was gonna say go in there and start talking to
her and i'm 80 sure
she's into me but i'm shitting myself in case i get the rejection and there's
around 30 people there to
witness it dude fuck those other 30 people what you have at your fingertips is
a great story
no matter what happens you either possibly meet the love of your life
right settle down have kids together and live happily happily ever after or you
have a hilarious
fucking story dude that the worst she can say is no who gives a shit oh dude i'd
ask her out in
the middle of the meal you know just to make the awkwardness even further just
steer who gives a
fuck fuck that dude if you can chat up women it's not because you're drunk it's
because you got rid
of that stupid voice in your head that says that you can't you obviously can
alcohol doesn't make you
talk to women all right it doesn't make you talk to women better what it does
is it gets rid of your
fucking fear so you can actually you know perform this is like some fucking uh
john daly
shit like he used to have a couple of cords lights so he'd relax more hit the
ball further i'm not saying
to go in there shit faced
fuck i gotta go back to this kansas city touchdown it was a pass
sorry anyways yeah dude just go in there dude this you're the man she works in
a coffee shop
she's not splitting atoms all right just go in there all right just go in there
bill just just
not even like fucking try to walk in like you're the man he's some badass dude
just
fucking like block out that voice anytime you hear that voice it's gonna go
great make her laugh
you know when she said uh would that be all just ask ask her for a number
dude you know you should ask fucking joe de rosa one time i was with joe de rosa
you want to talk
about guy fearless i was with joe de rosa one time we went out to breakfast and
the waitress came over
you know and uh he's kind of checking her out or whatever and we're eating our
food and he goes
what do you think of that waitress i'm like she's cute he goes yeah he goes i
think i'm gonna ask her
out and she comes back to the tables like will that be all and he asked her out
right in front of me
right and she gave him his number now if she shot him down not only it's like
that story would have
left it's like either would just be like with you with a bunch of strangers i
could have sat there
and laughed at him which i wouldn't have i wouldn't have laughed at him but he
maybe he would have
thought that i didn't he didn't give a so i think you go joe de rosa on this
one all right
listen what is the deal you're attracted to her you want her number to ask her
out all right so
do that that's what you want that's the same way you handle your career in life
what do you want to do go do that who do you want to be with you know that's a
different thing because
they ever say but you gotta ask that's it so i don't know i don't know what
your deal is if you're
a funny guy whatever your deal is i don't know whatever you're doing it seems
to be working because
you're feeling a vibe like she's into you all right so just stop listening to
that voice going
like oh my god what happens if this has hey what happens if she says yes think
about that all right
there you go uh pregnant woman's rights dear billy vanilli ice cream sandwich
love and birth
oh guilty is charged vanilla ice cream billy vanilli ice cream sandwich love
and burr i like that one
i recently saw a visibly pregnant woman smoking hey man it's her kid i couldn't
believe with all the
information we know about tobacco that this still occurs so i made a post about
it on facebook
talking about how if we can smash a window to get a dog out of a car why can't
we smack the cigarette
out of a pregnant woman's mouth that's fucking hilarious oddly this didn't go
well i know you're
being sarcastic and became a discussion about women's rights to her anatomy i
am pro-choice but
smoking while pregnant should be regarded as child abuse what are your thoughts
on this liberals gone
wild moment uh i hope you were having a great go yourself whatever that means
um
well yeah dude if you post something like that on the internet you think some
morons
aren't going to jump on the hook and start yelling at you i think it was a i
think it's a great joke
that's what i think i think it's a really good joke and i think you should
continue
doing jokes like that because i think it's funny and um
i can tell you right now if men carried the baby and we smoked a woman would
have every right to slap
it out of our mouths if that's my baby too and they would do it and you know
what they'd be right
they'd be right okay she's making decisions for someone who doesn't have the
ability to make a
decision an unborn child i mean jesus christ how do i you know but as i've
learned throughout the years
that the they women are when you're in a relationship and then you're married
and there's a kid and
everything they are number one they are the starting quarterback it's them then
the kids then you know
whatever the fuck's going on in the house and then you that's how it works that's
how the pyramid is
built so it doesn't surprise me that a small number of psycho women are arguing
that but i don't believe
that most women feel that and i don't think that people really think you want
to go up and slap
it out of her mouth um what you should do is get a spray bottle of water and
put it on the the most
widest like you know so it hits her in the face too oh what are we doing put
that out there's a baby in
there you're welcome skip away and you just do it with water you know water is
all natural most people
are dehydrated so it's like and smoking makes you dehydrated so there you go
right there look what i did
see what i did i saved your baby and hydrated your breasts how could you be
that mad at me i moisturized
your face well you know helping helping your unborn baby like what could be the
problem
who knows all right that is the podcast everybody i'm gonna go watch the uh red
sox just
playing the devil race a hard one dear bill this is going to be a sad letter so
if you don't feel
like dealing with this today i understand all right yeah fuck this letter i'm
not reading it no truthfully
i think i'm writing you for the same reason catholics go to confession don't
worry i know you can absolve
me of my sins five years ago i switched jobs when i went and when i did i
rolled my company 401k
into what's known as a self-directed 401k my family and i also moved that year
and i took the proceeds
from the house sale and dumped those into an individual account with the same
broker oh god
it wasn't much by some people's standards but dude if it's all you have it's a
lot it wasn't much by some
people's standards but between the two accounts it amounted to our life savings
i did what any sane
person would do and bought a bunch of safe stuff and tried not to look at it
very often then came
the pandemic i actually sold everything at the perfect time yes okay
oh please tell me you didn't get into bitcoin i think i was the second or third
it was the second
or third week in february before everything really went to hell but
i took a long long time getting back in and when i did i didn't play it safe
anymore
oh boy this has too many twists and turns here for a year i did very well and
doubled our life savings
and during that whole time it never occurred to me the real risk i was taking
cue the oh jesus
fast forward to yesterday and it's been two solid years of bad decision after
bad decision after bad
decision first i was long when everything was going to down hard
what first i was long when everything was going i think going down hard in 2022
then i was short
when everything was just kept going up up up in 2023 an absolute epic meltdown
brought by tens
on by tens if not hundreds of individual bad decisions so here i am it's early
february and
there's basically nothing left i know you're probably thinking i'm some degenerate
gambling addict but i
swear it's not true true i don't bet on sports only been to casino twice in my
life and probably lost
150 dollars combined i drive a 20 year old suv and live in a regular house don't
drink don't smoke
i just got overwhelmed slowly at first then all at once my question is simple
how do i forgive myself
how does a man forgive himself when his selfish and foolish actions cost the
people he loves thanks
for any advice you can give and thanks for all the laughs over the years god
bless and go diddle yourself
uh easy you take responsibility for your actions you apologize to everybody and
you promise that
you're going to do everything in your efforts to make it right and then you go
out and you do that
and um the worst thing you can do right now is act like the game's over your
life is over this is a
moment in it and you know what you've built yourself a great preamble to the
story of your success
of losing it all and coming back do you know how many successful people i know
that have lost it all and then came back um success is not trying something
going out being successful
and being and then that's it it's not a linear thing um journey success is just
stepping out into the
abyss and free falling into something hitting the water and then trying to swim
and there's moments
where it's white water and then it becomes calm and then there's a waterfall
and what it is
is not allowing yourself to get too down or too or too high and keeping between
your ears positive
which is what you need right now because right now you're beating yourself up
it's time that the pity
party is over just tell your wife that just be like listen i want you to know
that the pity you know
i still feel unbelievable shame for what i did but the pity party is over and i'm
going to make you proud
of me again and then you just go out and you just whatever the direction is
that you want to be going
in i don't know what you do for a living um and you build it back up again and
i'm going to tell you
something you will get you know if you do that if you don't just look at this
like this is the end of
your journey it's the beginning of your big comeback okay um i feel that you
know your family's always going
to love you they're going to be now they're going to be like looking at you
like you're going to teach
them you can actually give them a life lesson here so the life lesson here is
you know you don't stick
all your eggs in one basket and i hate to tell you this but wall street you
might as well go into
a 