Name: The Best Advice From Bill Burr Ep. 3
Uploaded: 2024-03-06T15:30:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Advice From Bill Burr Ep. 3' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Advice From Bill Burr Ep. 3' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-06. Transcript available.

The Best Advice From Bill Burr Ep. 3

Dear old Billy Bonkers, I have a situation that is kind of hilarious
and kind of fucked up, so I thought this might be the perfect place
for a little advice.
Insert 30 seconds of silence while you fumble to get your theme song.
Oh, you're right.
Let me see here.
Is this it right here?
It's time for advice.
Hey!
Your host, Billy Byrne.
That's me!
And I'm ripping off this melody from...
Somebody else.
Okay, here we go.
Let's see here.
Oh, wait.
Now, does it go into the next fucking thing here?
No, it doesn't.
All right, cool.
All right.
My girlfriend and I have been together for about three and a half years,
and I truly am in love with this girl.
She checks all of the boxes and then some.
Super smart, beautiful, funny, amazing family, and she loves me.
I absolutely see a future with this girl.
I'm 25.
She's 23.
So, I know we're young, but I've been told I'm very mature for my age,
and she's getting there.
No, there's nothing wrong with getting married that young.
Then you can have kids when you're young and fucking see most of their lives
before you kick it.
Unlike me, the fucking super old dad here.
Now, for some context, before I jump into the situation, in middle school and
high school,
I had been bullied by some kids saying I was gay.
I've always taken pride in how I dress, how I look, my hair, and I would
definitely describe
myself as metrosexual.
I was also very tall and skinny growing up, and I had poor posture.
Oh, that's it right there, dude.
Tall, skinny, poor posture.
Yeah, you're going to get fucked with.
It's the fucking laws of the jungle, unfortunately.
Anyway, so the little fucks had a lot of ammunition, and I honestly don't blame
them for it, but I'm
not gay.
As you can imagine, it fucked with me and killed my confidence.
Yeah, dude, you're talking about someone who grew up with orange hair.
So, yeah, I know what it's like to have a target on your back.
In college, I decided I was going to put on some muscle.
Really difficult.
I have the metabolism of a hummingbird.
Well, you got a great sense of humor, though, so that makes up for a lot of it.
And do something about one part of me that I have always been self-conscious
about.
I gained 20 pounds and am now proudly 6'2", 170 pounds.
I do well with the ladies, and I've had a few girlfriends over the years, none
as long
as this one.
I have no resentment for being bullied when I was younger.
In fact, it served its purpose as motivation for me to be a better version of
myself.
I think about bullying all the time.
I wish I could go back and stop a lot of it that I saw.
I was that weird.
I was like in the middle of the pack.
I got bullied.
I bullied people.
You know, get it off of me and put it onto somebody else.
I really wish I had, you know, you wish you had the maturity now back then.
Some of the stuff I think about, I still think about some of the shit that I
saw some kids
go through.
It's just like, fuck.
Brutal.
In the first year of dating my girlfriend, I opened up to her about getting
bullied,
and she told, and told her that's why the gym became so important to me.
She was supportive and felt bad that I went through that when I was young, but
she also
wanted me to confirm with her that I wasn't gay.
Her asking me frustrated me.
Yeah, that's fucking weird.
But it was easy, and I chalked it up to her not knowing me well enough yet.
I was pretty adamant about my answer and thought she got the point.
In her second year of dating, she somehow brings it up again and says,
Are you sure you aren't gay?
Like you aren't going to marry me, have a family, and then come out, right?
Whoa.
And this time around, the question pissed me off.
We had this conversation, really.
I've been with you for two years.
We fuck weekly, and it's great.
I'm also getting insulted.
No offense at all towards gay people, but my girlfriend is asking these
questions based
on certain stereotypes, and I don't think there are enough evidence, air quote,
evidence
for her to be suspicious.
I probably overreacted a bit.
No, you didn't.
But it hit a nerve that my own girlfriend is bringing up feelings I had when I
was bullied
in middle school got to be the end of it, right?
Well, we're three and a half years in, and tonight she pops the question yet
again.
Dude, break up with this chick.
She words it similarly to how she worded it the second time, and I got pretty
heated.
I basically said, We've had this conversation now three times.
I've told you each time that I'm not gay, nor have I ever questioned it.
It pisses me off that after more than three years, you're still asking me this
question.
This is not normal.
I don't think most women in a relationship ask their man yearly if they're
secretly gay
and going to leave them, so I'm insulted.
She, of course, then becomes the victim because I didn't react how she wanted
me to.
I said, I'm sorry, but this is not okay.
The next time you ask me that question, I better have a dick in my mouth.
Am I wrong here?
No, not at all.
Is dressing well, being neat, and keeping myself well-groomed really that much
of a red flag
that my girlfriend should be questioning my sexuality?
I don't even talk like the stereotypical gay dude.
Any suggestions for how I can get her to believe slash not ask me the question
anymore?
Can't wait to hear whatever you say.
Go fuck yourself.
Um, yeah, I would break up with this chick.
Or, no, this is what I would find out what the fucking be like.
Okay, did your dad marry your mom and then after you were born come out and say
he was gay?
Like, what is this fear?
Or, what the fuck is it that I'm doing that makes you keep asking me this
question?
Um, that's what I would ask her.
And if you don't like the answer, I would fucking hit the road, Jack.
And don't you go back no more.
Because that's really fucked up.
Now, granted, I haven't heard her fucking version of shit.
Um, it's funny if she fucking wrote him.
Um, yeah, I'd have to hear what her concerns are to have any fucking idea.
But if you're telling me the truth, which how the hell do I know?
But if you're telling me the fucking truth, you're not gay.
And you just dress well and fucking whatever.
And she's just asking you that.
I mean, you might be.
Are you an effeminate straight guy?
Because they have those two.
You know, I don't fucking know.
I don't know.
I have no fucking idea.
So, I do think that it is fucked up that you have expressed.
I'll tell you, you know what else I think is fucked up?
That you've stayed with this person.
You're saying she's checked off all the boxes.
Like, how many boxes is she checking off that once a year she can ask you
legitimately if you're gay or not.
And you still want to be with her.
There's a lot of questions I have here.
Because I think, I mean.
If, I mean, I would just.
One time, maybe.
I think you can ask somebody that once.
And then a year later, they do it again.
It's like, all right.
I'm leaving you before I get like a fucking complex here.
Like, Jesus Christ.
I'm fucking.
You got me sitting here watching John Wayne movies now.
Trying to fucking be extra manly here.
So, you stop asking me that fucking question.
I don't know.
I have no idea.
But, um.
I don't think she's convinced.
And you're three and a half years in.
You're 25.
You got your whole life ahead of you.
Um.
I don't know this person.
But I can tell you this.
Reading your email.
And just hearing your side of it.
This woman is not checking off a lot of boxes for me.
Personally.
Um.
So.
I don't know.
Is it like her fucking weird way of trying.
She doesn't want to break up with you.
So, she just keeps doing this thing that annoys you.
I don't know.
I don't.
This is.
That's a weird one.
Some fucking heavy emails this fucking week.
Jesus Christ.
I might never kill myself.
But I'm fucking.
Welcoming death.
Whatever the hell that was.
And then this shit.
And fucking.
Some fucking little Stalin chick running an HOA.
Jesus Christ.
When the fuck did this podcast become so.
So, so deep, man.
Um.
All right.
That is the podcast, everybody.
Um.
So.
I'll leave you with this.
Because what that.
What that guy was talking about.
The guy eating too much.
You know.
Um.
That really bothered me.
I don't.
I hate.
People being.
As much as a douche as I am.
I don't like people being in pain.
You know what I mean.
And.
Uh.
Someone who's been in a lot of pain.
For a lot of his life.
And now figuring out.
That.
You know.
You know.
Your natural reaction is to fucking.
Go away from pain.
Distract yourself from pain.
Bury your pain.
And all that.
And it's just.
It's just.
It's still going to be there.
Which is why the next night.
You're still going to want to drink just as much.
If not more.
Or eat just as much.
Not as more.
Uh.
Go fuck somebody you shouldn't fuck.
Whatever your fucking addiction is.
Um.
It's kind of amazing when you stop.
Just for a couple of months.
And really try to work on whatever that fucking thing is.
That's bothering you.
How much progress you can make.
Um.
Quickly.
Especially if you're talking to somebody that understands what you're going
through.
So.
I wish that for all of you.
Because if you don't.
Deal with that pain.
Not only are you going to hurt yourself.
You're going to hurt the people around you that you love.
Super Bowl girlfriend argument.
Oh.
Jesus.
Isn't that just like them.
You know.
To just get in an argument while you're trying to watch the fucking Super Bowl.
I'm just judging this before I even read it.
You know.
It's like.
God forbid my attention is on something else.
You know.
I'm not going to leave you for the Super Bowl.
It's just a game I'm watching.
Stop acting like I'm checking out another woman.
Okay.
All right.
Hey Bill.
I'm ready to ask advice.
On how to watch sports with my girlfriend.
I already have some thoughts on this.
This is all your fault at this point.
All right.
But it isn't because you're only 28.
All right.
28.
You're getting a little long in your ears to be putting up with this kind of
behavior with
somebody that you're with.
All right.
I like to watch sports.
You like to watch Real Housewives.
Do I give you grief when you're watching that shit?
Let me watch what I want to watch.
Stop nagging me.
You think I'm a nag?
Yes.
I'm 28 years old.
And by some miracle, a woman has decided to love me continuously for the past
10 months.
All right.
So you have low self-esteem, self-deprecating.
This is why you're getting into these.
You got to have some backbone.
You got to consider.
You got to give yourself some value.
All right.
I'm over the moon and ecstatic about my relationship with her.
However, last night during the Super Bowl, during Super Bowl 58, we had a
couple of arguments
during a watch party.
As a Falcons fan, I normally watch football by myself.
There's no point in depressing the people around me while watching my team.
This guy's funny.
I like this guy.
However, I decided to go to a Super Bowl watch party for the first time ever,
and I took my
girlfriend with me.
During the entire second half, I didn't even look at her.
I was fully focused on the game.
Yeah, it was an exciting game.
At the end of the game, we were all saying our goodbyes, and I found my
girlfriend sitting
on a chair alone in the corner of the room.
Bill, I've never seen her more mad.
She didn't yell at me in front of my buddies, but we had a private talk about
how I can't
ignore her during games.
I wasn't actively trying to ignore her.
This is just how I watch football.
How can I express this in a relatable way to her?
Thanks, and go chug a beer.
P.S.
I wrote a few months ago asking how to handle being laid off, and your advice
helped a lot.
I've got a new job, and I'm happier than ever.
Thanks for all you do.
All right.
Well, here's the thing.
Your girlfriend, I mean, I wasn't there.
I don't know if you waved her away.
If you did something like that, I understand that.
But if you're just watching the game, and it's an intense game, and she's over
there pouting,
here's the first thing.
The first thing, do not lose your cool 