Name: The Best Advice From Bill Burr Ep. 4
Uploaded: 2024-03-08T15:30:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Advice From Bill Burr Ep. 4' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Advice From Bill Burr Ep. 4' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-08. Transcript available.

The Best Advice From Bill Burr Ep. 4

how to break up something with someone you live with you know you know who
should know who know
who should jesus christ what happened there too many hits to the head there um
the people who
need this information are all these morons you see on these murder shows um the
amount of people that
i watch on these these these murder shows that my wife thankfully has taken a
break from she goes
through phases where she's just like mainlining dateline nbc and um we end up i
don't know it's
so fucked up because we're watching murder shows but we end up getting a lot of
laughs in that i just
tease her for like what why are you watching this i just start mocking how
horrible they are
and then i just start singing go to sleep go to sleep like why would you watch
this
right before you go to bed um but one of the things i've noticed is the amount
of people
the first major crime they try to commit is not only murder somebody but it's
somebody they know
that is the hardest thing in the world to get away with unless you work for the
government no
it's the hardest thing to get away with because you're automatically a suspect
you'd never been
busted for anything so you're not like some hardened criminal that knows how to
handle interrogation
to be like am i being charged with anything if i am i want a lawyer if not i'm
gonna leave
i'm pleading the fifth um they don't do that they go out and they they always
bury them in like their
backyard there always seems to be like like i gotta tell you something right
now if your neighbor
is putting in a well he's thinking about killing his wife all right if you're
if if the guy's wife
says you know you catch her in the pet store and she has a weird look on her
face and says
uh yeah we got this we got a rodent problem yeah she's trying to kill her
husband all right the smart
ones go to home depot and they buy buy a plate uh you know a pane of glass that's
what you do and you
bash it up microscopically and you just start putting it in their food i think
that's how it's done i don't
know um i know guys are supposed to be more evil but at least if you get killed
by a guy it's over
quickly like women i swear to god jesus christ it takes them like eight months
to slowly kill you
you know there's a lot of women in prison that could write a book called the
eight the eight month murder
um it's hilarious it almost takes them this oh this is an 80s joke it takes
them almost the same amount
to have an orgasm as it does to kill somebody thank you thank you reaganomics
everybody um
anyway this i actually believe if you're a progressive school um there should
be a they
should have a class a a requirement that teaches people young people how to
break up with people
teaches people how to know when a relationship isn't working you know and there
would be less broken
hearts there'd be less murders you know i would think the dateline mbc lobby
would do everything
they could in washington to stop these courses from being treated i mean being
taught to kids in college
and you know what they would do they would they would just all you got to do is
to kill it all you
got to do is label it as socialism or communism and it's it's going to be this
socialist agenda then
that'll be it it'll be over but um yeah the amount of time that you waste um
and the people you hurt and
all that type of stuff so you know that becomes that thing i remember a long
time ago i knew this woman
and she was dating this guy and she was living with him and she would always go
like yeah can't leave
now she just kept saying that and it didn't register me when i was younger and
then they got a car
together and they ended up breaking up and the whole time she wanted out and
she just kept getting in
deeper and deeper and deeper it probably affected her sleep crushed that guy
because he probably thought
he met the one and all that and all you know all you need is just some
information like this all right
because there's a lot of people listening right now who want to get out of a
relationship all right i'm
going to read what they say and then i'll give you my uh my tricks to the trade
okay uh because when
you're a you're you're like a young guy right like your first like you know
those guys that are just
like i'm just going to act like a dick so she breaks up with me um stupid
stupid rip the band-aid off
um put on brand a tuxedo you get a top hat right you learn an al jolson song
but you change the lyrics
and you just sing about how you're going to break up with her i'm sorry i wish
i knew an al jolson song
um how to break up with someone you live with here we go uh hey billy red rocks
uh i was almost
going to call it that special my my wife is like don't name it after you're
nuts and i was like you're
right uh loved your recent special and it's also a you know more obvious joke
especially when my
listeners are coming up with it too i loved your recent special and all that
jazz thank you let's
get right to it uh i have been with my girlfriend for three years now but i've
decided that it's time
to end things amicably all right good for you the only issue is that we live
together can you give
can you give me and listeners some advice on how to break up with someone whom
you live with thanks a
bunch all right um this is definitely there's a degree of difficulty here all
right i'm standing
up now i'm walking around all right let's go with the positives you're not with
the person that you
want to be with and you're aware of it and you're gonna do this all right and
there's no way to do this
without making a mess so let's try to make the least amount of mess okay so the
number one thing is
you're going to break up with there and you still have to live with her now
ideally ideally you already
have another place to go okay now there is there are extreme ways of doing you
can do you can do it
this way okay i'm kind of doing the cowardly way because you don't want to deal
with her
you you you don't want to deal with her you want to get the fuck out let's just
be a man here you
want to get the fuck hell hath no fury and you want to be away from the fury so
if there's a way that
you can somehow put a deposit down on another apartment unless she's totally
dependent on you
i don't know what your financial situation is but i know a guy oh i know a guy
i know a guy this is how he
did it his wife went out on the his wife his girlfriend went out on the road
and he already
planned to do it but he knew that she was nuts so he already had another place
she left and the second
the wheels left fucking laguardia or wherever the fuck they were his brother
came over they packed up
all his shit they moved it to the new fucking place and then they sat down then
when she came
back he sat down and she's like where's all your stuff and he's like uh where i'm
going to be living
from now on because we're not going out anymore now that's the fast way to do
it um listen you moved
in on some level you're going to have to be like there's no way there's no easy
way around this
so um if you're not in that type of financial position which most people aren't
uh the biggest thing all you have to do is break up with her all right you don't
have to just stop
catastrophizing about how awful it's going to be because it's going to suck all
right so what i would do
is know that she's going to be upset she has a right to be upset and just don't
get in any
arguments with her and let her say everything she's going to say you know if
she trashes your family
she makes fun of your dick size or your ability in bed and all the shit that
they when a woman gets
mad you know god knows i mean it's all they can they can no subject is off
limits they will try
to rip your soul out she might not be she might be cool i have no idea but i'm
just saying prepare
for the worse here's the deal every time when she comes at you and she says
that just think in your
head imagine if i married that thank god i'm not marrying that she is saying
all this horrible
shit to me right now because this is her last chance to do it and then you're
going to get the
out of there and it's going to be good all right and um i don't know what your
living situation is
if it's a one bedroom that's good because at least you can sleep on the couch
you won't have to sleep
next door if it's a studio i mean i don't know this is what i would say if she
if she's making your
life a living fucking hell i would literally call your parents and just say
listen i need two weeks
to find a place i got to get out of here and i would take a sick day and when
she's at work i would
just i would just take all of your shit your shit okay anything even remotely
questionable hey i paid
for half of that couch fuck it leave it just take all of your shit pack it up
and just get the
fuck out that's what i would do why prolong it all right so i need more
information if people listeners
have been in that situation i fortunately was never in that situation um so i
can't
speak from experience but i do know of guys where they were living there and
then the girlfriend
immediately started bringing other guys home you know have you ever been that
guy you know you come
home you think you know with the chick you think you're hooking up and you
realize you're just
spiteful cock for the evening
and then all the time you're like um is there a lock on this door is that door
bulletproof like
yeah i'm not i'm not doing this why don't you get all the way out of your last
relationship
i'm out guys like that's what you wish you had the maturity to do
you know but as i've said in my other specials your dick is a dreamer your dick
believes nah man
we can do it we can pull this off it's not gonna be a problem he broke up with
her he doesn't care
shitty neighbors shitty neighbors oh geez hey billy big screen i'm reaching out
to you
as someone who has a bit of a neighbor problem and have a landlord problem so a
young couple moved
into the apartment complex let me read that again i'm reaching out to you as
someone who's had a
bit of a neighbor problem and a landlord problem oh brother your landlord's not
helping you with your
neighbor or they're both assholes in their own worlds oh boy here we go so a
young couple moved
into the apartment complex that my wife and i have lived in lived at for six
years and they have a bit
of a shitbox car collecting problem our lot has enough spots for two cars per
room eight rooms in the
complex so that means there's 16 spots don't worry bill i'm coming to you for
advice the least i can
do is not make you do math
it's kind of scary how well you guys know me at this point um anyways it even
it even says in the
least that you can only have two but the property has undergone new management
and the newbies aren't
nearly as hands-on with the towing cars for being ran run down pieces of uh
they had three and one of them
was broken down for three months before i put a note on there asking if they
can move it or fix it to
which they replied by putting three sheets of paper with red writing on them on
the inside of their windshield
they read we live here the car runs mind your own business uh yes yeah the
ignorant part of being
ignorant is you have no empathy which leads to anywhere from being an asshole
to joining a hate group
uh now i have walked past this car with these sheets of paper on the windshield
for over two months
and even asked the maintenance guy to help me out citing the lease he basically
told me that because
of the toothless nature of the owners his hands are tied now as i'm writing to
you i found out this
evening that these people went out and got a nice car and parked it in the lot
also i thought of a lot
of things including putting painters tape on the hood in the shape of a dick
with a note on it
that says next time it'll be spray paint move the fucking car oh god oh god now
you live in
that world uh but i just can't do it yeah don't do it do i find my zen and just
deal with walking past
all these fuckin