Name: The Best Advice From Bill Burr Ep. 6
Uploaded: 2024-03-22T15:30:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Advice From Bill Burr Ep. 6' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Best Advice From Bill Burr Ep. 6' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-22. Transcript available.

The Best Advice From Bill Burr Ep. 6

I'm a 24-year-old guy from Sydney, Australia, who's run up against a big
problem.
Last November, I lost a well-paying job due to an anxiety disorder I've
developed over the years.
I've sought out treatment, been through therapy, had all sorts of diets and
breathing exercises.
And although recently it's been much more manageable, it unfortunately wasn't
enough to hold on to my high-pressure job.
You know what, dude? It was probably the job.
Granted, I have no medical background whatsoever, but I really don't.
You know, when you have to, like, eat a kumquat and start going, just so you
can go to work.
Hello?
Oh, Nia, how are you? Sorry, just saw the door open.
The lovely Nia, everybody!
Oh, you're busy. Okay.
Oh, okay.
Alrighty. I'll see ya.
Okay.
Yeah, dude, when you have to f***ing do s*** like that just to go to work, it's
probably the job.
And considering you've developed it over the years, let me guess, was it as you
got this f***ing high-pressure job?
I don't know.
So anyways, currently I'm looking for a more low-key job.
Anyways, three days after I'm let go, I get a call from a friend I'd had drunken,
unprotected s*** with.
The only reason why I went back to our house was that our house was within
walking distance from the pub.
We share a bed, and nature takes its course.
Oh, my God.
It was, of course, a risk, and like any idiot male, I just assumed nothing
would happen.
Turns out I'm going to be a dad come August, after a mere one s*** indiscretion.
I've known this woman for over three years.
She's successful, smart, witty, and we get on really well.
Oh, we get on really well.
She is, sorry, there was a big space in a new paragraph.
I'm not that dumb, people.
Please, please still believe in me.
She's been up until now childless, and you can understand her reasonings for
wanting to keep the spawn.
She expects me to play an active role in the parenting game, and to be honest,
that's something I am wholeheartedly prepared to do.
That's so f***ed up.
They, like, make the decision.
I mean, because it is their body.
They have to go through the procedure, but it's just really, you're really just,
you're just a f***ing jizz pose.
That's really all we are.
We were both irresponsible, and we should both have to pick up the pieces and
work it out.
Here's the problem.
She wants me to move in with her.
F*** that!
F*** that.
Before I read any more of this, f*** that.
Anyways, in fact, she's demanded I moved in with her.
Double f*** that.
She's making demands.
Go f*** yourself.
All right?
I wish you did that earlier.
I wouldn't have been in the situation.
I can't help thinking that this arrangement would descend very quickly into
mutual resentment and unhappiness,
and would eventually be a detrimental environment for the kid.
Absolutely.
I've lived with friends in the past, and if a dirty kitchen can cause
irritation,
I don't know how shitting, drooling, a shitting, drooling, screaming baby will
fly under the radar.
I want to move somewhere close by so I can share their parenting duties,
but I don't see how moving in is a better solution.
She is also asking for financial support to the tune of half, which the s*** I've
spelt out above surely makes this impossible.
She's tipped deep in an already blossomed career, and I'm doing my best to stay
away from the dole, or as Americans say, welfare.
So I'm asking advice on two things.
How do I relay my moving in doubts to a hormonal pregnant woman without hurting
her feelings or making her feel like she has to go at it alone?
And how can I spell it out to her that I won't be able to be there for the baby
financially in the way she wants?
Jesus Christ, dude.
What else?
And how do you f***ing jump to the moon?
By the way, when she told me about the pregnancy and, oh, Jesus, arrived fully
formed in my mouth.
Go f*** yourself, cunt.
You just have to have an adult conversation with her.
Just be like, look, who's kidding who?
We're not in love with one another.
You're not my soulmate.
I'm not your soulmate.
But we're both adults, and we did this, so we have to take responsibility.
Okay?
I would still like to meet my soulmate, and I imagine you would, too.
And we're not going to be able to do that if we're basically pretending to be a
couple, which we're not.
We're not, okay?
Just look at the baby like we both, it's like a timeshare condo.
Sorry.
No, just tell her, you're not going to move in.
I'm not moving in with you.
I'm going to support you 100% with the baby, 100%.
But I'm not moving in.
And when she says, why, just be like, because I'm not in love with you.
We're not getting married.
We screwed up, and now we're doing the right thing.
But, yeah, I'm not moving in.
And what's she going to do, grab you by the throat, make you move in?
No, fuck this.
And the fact that she's making these demands, she wants half of your money.
Well, this is the deal, dude.
You knocked a girl up, and now you've got a fucking, you've got a kid coming.
So, you've got to go make some money.
All right?
And you do have to support the kid.
This is one of these fucked up things.
If she's got a great career, why does she need half of your salary?
You know what I mean?
If you had a great career, she wouldn't even fucking work.
Why don't you say this?
All right, how about this?
Why don't I be Mr. Mom?
I'll stay home with the kid, and you go out and work, and you support me.
I'll wear a fucking apron.
Have at it, lady.
Go put on your Nancy Reagan power suit and fucking have at it.
Yeah, dude, look.
What do you...
I know.
You've got the double whammy here.
I wouldn't do a double header here.
Although the conversation might go in that direction.
But I would definitely not tell her that I'm moving in with her.
There's no fucking way.
There's no way that that's happening.
All right?
There's no way that that's happening.
Because I'm not in love with you.
And let her hem, let her haw, let her cry,
let her scream, let her throw shit,
let her do whatever the fuck she wants to do.
You're not moving in with her, sir.
All right?
Don't do it.
Don't go to bed with a brass on your head.
No.
Don't do it.
Sorry, Beretta.
Don't fucking do it.
All right?
And as far as, like, you know, supporting your kid,
you've got to do it.
You've got to give her the money.
You can't have...
This kid is in an unbelievably unfortunate situation.
You have to make the best of it.
And you guys have to be friends.
And that's another reason for not moving in.
You know, what, are you going to sleep in the same bed?
Like you're married?
Like you love each other?
I mean, you can't fucking do it.
So, I don't know.
But as far as the money thing, yeah, you've got to go out and start making some
money.
And if you have to sleep on a fucking futon or whatever, believe me,
that's going to be better than having, you know, some 18-year-old kid someday
who had a shit childhood because of you.
And then you've got to deal with that and then try and put the pieces together
when you're on your fucking deathbed.
You don't want to do that either.
But as far as moving in, fuck that.
Move close by.
And that's it.
It's not up for discussion.
Okay?
And she can make all the fucking demands she wants to.
Demands.
Fucking dope.
You made a...
She made a mistake too.
What the fuck she'd make demands out of you for?
Furthermore, why the fuck you...
Why you worry about it?
All right?
She can't force you to move in.
So fuck her.
All right?
With a condom next time, sir.
From Finland.
Hello there, William F. Burr.
I'm a 22-year-old guy from Finland.
And I've waited a long time for you to do a show here.
So I'm very excited to hear you're coming to Helsinki in December.
Unfortunately, because of my studies, I'm doing a practical training in Africa
for three months.
So I'm going to miss the show.
I hope I will one day have the money to come see your show in the U.S.
So I'm going to Ghana in a group of four students.
And I'm the only guy in the group.
I'll be in the same house and going to the same workplace with these three
ladies for three months.
We all know each other quite well.
But I'm mostly used to hanging with guys.
So if you could give me some advice or tips on how to mentally prepare for
these three months, it would be greatly appreciated.
Are there some topics or actions I should make sure to avoid?
P.S.
Love the podcast.
And all that other stuff.
I hope to see more on TV.
Ah, that's very nice of you.
What a nice email.
Are there some topics?
Listen, dude.
The amount of things I've fucked up with women.
All I can tell you is what not to do.
All right.
This is what I would do if I was you.
The first thing you got to do is if you're a type A male on any level, you got
to tone that shit down.
If you're angry.
All anger does is scare women.
Okay.
Or makes them not want to be around you.
Or it makes women who have daddy issues.
It's like a moth to a fucking light, except the moth reaches in, grabs your
heart, pulls it out of your chest and throws it down the stairs.
If you're going to live with these three women.
All right.
This is what you could do.
All right.
Are you trying to fuck these women or are you just trying to get along with
them?
All right.
First things first.
Make sure you're really neat.
Granted, you know, women in the bathroom are some of the messiest fuckers on
the planet.
But I would do that.
I would come with slumber party energy.
And just fucking give into their fucking conversations.
Okay.
And that's right there is where you establish credibility.
You're not angry.
You keep your part of the bathroom clean.
And you come with, oh, my God, you guys.
You fucking give into that fucking energy.
Late at night when they want a snack and they're fucking jam jams.
You join them.
All right.
And you never try to fuck any of them.
Then what you do is you talk to them about how you're having problems meeting
women in Ghana and you need advice.
And then they'll become a fucking wingman for you.
And you'll be crushing fucking Ghanaese fucking ass, whatever the hell you want
to call it.
Right and left when you're out there.
And they'll actually help you do it.
That's that's that would be my game plan.
But the last thing you should do is try to hook up with any one of them unless
it's the last weekend.
The last weekend comes around.
All bets are off.
You get in there and you fuck them all.
Somewhere in there is probably some information that you could use.
If anybody has any suggestions on what this guy should be doing, my my my trip
isn't until December.
If anybody else has studied abroad with three broads and has better advice.
For the love of God, let me know.
And I'll pass it on to this this this this this this this this this fine young
gentleman fathers.
Here's another topic.
What's with fathers having this the standard ringtones standard father's shoes
and not giving a shit what they wear for a hat?
Oh, I can answer that despite the fact that I'm not a father.
I know what that is.
It's what I've been fighting my entire adult life is having the woman in your
life just wear you down.
It's not even that.
And then just the laws in society.
It's what happens when you get married as a guy is.
The.
The pilot like goes out.
For a lot of things, you just don't give a fuck anymore.
You know, I know you have kids, you put them first and all of that type of shit.
But there's it as much as it's from what I've heard, having a kid is the
greatest fucking thing ever.
And I'm not making fun of that.
But there is a part of you that dies.
You know, that howling at the moon, that fucking, you know, going out, just
living.
There's just something there's a part of life that just dies and you just don't
give a shit.
You're a beaten man.
All right.
You gave in the love.
You're married.
There's no way out without just fucking having your wallet ripped out through
your balls and then back into your chest.
Cavity through your heart and through your spinal cord.
You're fucked.
You're looking at a beaten man.
He doesn't give a fuck.
All I need is the phone 