Name: High School Friend is in my WIFE'S DM's | Bill burr
Uploaded: 2025-07-23T19:18:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'High School Friend is in my WIFE'S DM's | Bill burr' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'High School Friend is in my WIFE'S DM's | Bill burr' from Bill Burr Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-23. Transcript available.

Guy messaged my wife.
Dear Mr. Burr, I am in need of your opinion.
A couple days ago, while at work one afternoon,
my wife called me clearly upset.
She said that an old male high school classmate
had messaged her that morning.
And while it had started as a polite reconnecting conversations
with a few back and forths, it had suddenly got weird.
How did he still have her number?
I guess she never changed her number.
I don't know how old this person is either.
Long story short, it went from them talking about their lives
since high school to him suddenly asking
if she was happy in her marriage.
She emphatically stated yes, but he replied
that if she wanted more, he could provide it.
Immediately followed by,
cue the dick pic captured with suggestive emojis.
What?
Wow.
What a fucking weirdo.
I would guess that guy's still partying
and he was in a different time zone and was high.
Oh, he just has no finesse.
He went from, are you happy in your marriage?
Yes, I am.
Well, if you want more,
here's some fucking emojis for you.
Wow, that's weird.
All right.
She immediately blocked his number
and that is when she called me.
Later that evening, she had moved past being upset about it,
but still asked me to look at the whole conversation
to show that she had no part in the inappropriate side of it.
Thankfully, she had deleted the dick pic,
but my blood was still boiling reading through the text.
I do trust her as she is a total sweetheart,
but I couldn't help but discreetly verify
that the timestamps lined up with what she said happened.
Oh, but I couldn't help but discreetly verify.
Oh, well, what the fuck?
You don't really know somebody.
She could have been pretending to be a sweetheart.
Who knows?
Guess I was caught in a moment of insecurity.
Really, I was just pissed at the whole thing
and I started contemplating what I should do.
First of all, you looking at the timestamps
is exactly what she would have done to you.
So, I mean, it's kind of weird.
This guy still has her fucking number
and he goes, you know, and I don't know.
Is she telling a half truth?
Is she telling the truth?
Well, good for you.
It looks like she was telling the truth.
All right.
So the next day, he tried adding and messaging her
on several apps, but she didn't respond to any of it.
Oh, this guy's fucking crazy.
This has just infuriated me further.
I don't get it.
Again, this is my own insecurity,
but I can't figure out who this dude thinks he is.
My wife and I are both in our late 20s.
We have two beautiful children,
good steady jobs in a house,
and we have a great relationship,
communication, sex life, et cetera.
I feel extremely blessed.
I just can't get over the whole situation.
I'm generally a laid back guy,
but I can't stop envisioning myself
running into this guy on the street
and kicking the shit out of him.
Absolutely.
I mean, I'm by no means some badass,
but I'm 6'2 and in shape, 180 pounds.
Yeah, and you're all so fucking pissed.
And you're right and he's wrong.
So, I mean, I think he got the momentum here.
Well, this guy is at least a foot shorter,
maybe 120 pounds.
Is there anything redeemable about this other guy?
He's probably one of those guys in the world
I could absolutely in your exact world
tie up like a pretzel,
shove in the trunk of my car,
and ass...
I've said that.
I don't even remember that.
But I'm not gay,
and also I'm not a therapist or a murderer.
Okay, anyways, what should I do, Bill?
I can't let this fucking high school band teacher
disrespect my wife like that,
but at the same time,
I don't want to get myself in legal trouble.
No, no, no, no.
What you need to do,
you need to shoot one across the bow.
If you know who this guy is,
you can just very easily confront him
and just be like,
hey, man, you've been talking to my wife.
Is there something I can help you with?
That'll scare him away.
All right?
I would think.
Or I think at this point,
your wife has some sort of harassment thing,
but I don't know.
I don't know if I would go
face-to-face confrontation with this guy
and act like you're in a Steven Seagal movie
because shit can go sideways really quickly.
This guy sounds like he has psychological problems,
and he's five foot nothing
and weighs 120 pounds.
I mean, this guy's life sucks.
Your life is great.
You don't want to fuck it up
and get some sort of assault charge
or whatever,
because for whatever fucking reason,
the law protects people like this.
The law also protects thieves,
which I've learned.
This time somebody stole some,
you know,
in this business deal,
stole from me.
And, you know,
I'm not going to get into the details,
but it was quite a sizable sum of money
that this person took,
and they were blaming everybody else,
doing the Donald Trump thing,
pointing at everybody else, right?
And we're like,
the person didn't realize
we had the smoke and gun,
and when we presented the smoke and gun,
they went,
oh, you know,
that's just, you know,
that was a slight oversight,
you know,
and then just produced
this complete bullshit cost report
that whittled
this sizable amount of money
down to like 700 bucks
or whatever.
So I remember I told my lawyer,
going,
tell him to keep the 700 bucks,
and I'm going to go around town
and tell everybody
that this guy's a fucking thief
and stay away from him.
And my lawyer said,
be careful with that.
And I said,
why?
And he said,
because it's way easier
to prove defamation of character
than it is to prove
that somebody stole from you.
And that's because thieves
make the fucking laws.
And that's how most,
I don't know,
sizable wealth,
most of it is made
in a dishonest fucking way.
That level of wealth.
So anyway,
getting into this,
like physical confrontations
and this type of shit,
you always hear this shit,
you punch somebody in the face
and they go down
and they whack their head
on the sidewalk
and they fucking die
and now you got a manslaughter
or a fucking second degree
murder charge.
I mean,
this guy's a fucking loser.
This is one of these things
where, you know,
you got to be the bigger man.
You can't go down there
like John Wayne
and just punch him
in the fucking face
because now this guy,
not only did he text your wife
in a fucked up way,
he's now going to
sue you
and get you some of your money
or you're going to have,
you know,
God knows what sort
of criminal charge.
But the rate
that this guy
is talking to your wife
and everything,
you might want
to contact
like authorities
and do it the right way.
I don't know.
I've learned
that stalkers
for whatever reason
really value
their freedom
and if somebody
comes over there
and shakes their tree
a little bit,
they usually
back the fuck off
if you're lucky.
All right,
now having said all that
in the real world
and in the perfect world,
you should be able
to just walk up
to that guy
and beat the absolute
living shit out of him.
You know,
while giving him a lecture.
Okay,
but that's not
how the fucking world works.
So it sounds to me
like you have a great wife
and you have a great life
and this other guy doesn't.
But you definitely need to,
I think you should contact
the police
or somebody
and just say
this guy's harassing my wife
and I think he will
fuck off
and go bother somebody else.
But that guy,
I don't know,
that guy should be
on a watch list.
Sorry you're dealing
with that.
Thank you.