Name: EP 67: Chris DiStefano & The Muddy Martini
Uploaded: 2022-03-21T01:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'EP 67: Chris DiStefano & The Muddy Martini' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'EP 67: Chris DiStefano & The Muddy Martini' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-21. Transcript available.

EP 67: Chris DiStefano & The Muddy Martini

we might be drunk we might be drunk as long as we are hanging out you know we
might be drunk
raise a glass let's talk shit pep peeps wrecks and a bit maybe drunk we might
be drunk yeah
hey hey folks here we are we might be drunk we're here we're queer and sam's
making some
cheer we got samarill on the blower and our pal you know him you love him chrissy
d chris de stefano
chrissy bichips call him what you will how are you chris what's up everybody
how you doing you look
sharp you look sexy you look shiny yeah but you know it is here's the slime i
am it's like you think
that it's like this nice you know you know expensive outfit the jacket's from h&m
the jeans are all navy
and i'm wearing a budweiser shirt so i just i'm all about hiding it you look
like tom hardy or some
really yeah you look good as shit i think tom hardy's the i think here's what i'll
say about
tom hardy he's the actor because you know everyone says like oh if i was drunk
like i'd hook up with
this guy even though i'm not gay like tom hardy's the closest to guy i hook up
with where i'm not
drunk i wouldn't need right i'd so i'd do it sober in front of my family i'd
kiss him on the lips you
know yeah look at this what's sam making a martine yeah we're doing a cloudy
martini i got this is
amazon these were free and i stole this from uniclo so i'm with you did you
steal it yeah i don't know
what this but what i'm wearing that's nice too it fits like a goddamn glove
that's got tight
bonds lanky scarecrow body you got there it is look at the studio yeah not too
shabby huh i like it i
like that i came in uh and the the front the doorman guy told me i didn't have
to wear a mask i was like
i'm sorry i have a mask he's like it's okay man that's how we do it here yeah
oh there it is nice
dude this looks like my dad's urine cheers that's a danger field joke i was
drinking so much i pissed
an olive i fucked up you could just tell no disrespect all i could just tell
this is gonna suck
you'll feel better than it tastes there we go sam i stand corrected that's what
sam what i literally
stand fuck wow i thought this this because this looks like sewage because it's
you know why because
it's actual good-ass brine wow this is amazing this looks like what happened to
the the mississippi
river in louisiana this is no i know this looks like this is hurricane katrina
exactly
but it's like a meal dude there's so much olive juice in here it's like it's
like a meal i'm
getting calories in here it looks like a like a la hot chick drink yeah tastes
like my dad yeah no i
know i mean it tastes delicious yeah norman's got a hot dad sound like my stepmom
oh are your parents
divorced mark no no i wish they're still together and they go at it my parents
are divorced and i was
speaking to my dad my dad's uh visiting uh me from florida he's been saying
this for two weeks and he said
you know the best thing i ever did in my life was divorce your mother he's like
i'm sorry like that
if that hurts you he's like but really like you wouldn't be i wouldn't be proud
of you if i was
still married to your mom he's like yeah he was like he just think because he
was just like my life
was going nowhere with your mom he's like and your mom's a good person and i'm
a good person but we
just weren't good together and i think that the best thing i ever did was
divorce her he goes and he
goes and you know 37 years later i'm so he said i would never be as happy as i
am as a human being
you're mom i'm with that louis ck has that great joke every when he got
divorced i was like i'm
sorry he's like no divorce is great it's the best thing you can do because i
bet you somebody like
louis or anybody like you know when it's not like the divorce came out of
nowhere he was probably
waiting to do that or guys you're waiting to do that for years and then when it
finally happens
you're like yeah i'm out of jail kind of thing you know it's a weird thing it
is weird to tell you
like i'm i'm a better i wouldn't be proud i'm happy i get right i wouldn't be
proud as a little
that's happy well what he was saying was what he was saying was he was like i
meant like he said
because because he said i think that i was able to be like a good dad to you
because i was not in a
negative headspace with because i was not with your mom if i was with your mom
he said i would have
just been a miserable curmudgeon of a guy and then you probably would have
turned out like a big piece
of shit right and so he was like you know you i think you're a happy guy right
because my dad was
like i'm happy but i i could only get happy when i left your mom yeah because
she sucks it's a it's a
i've met both your parents they're the nicest my mom and dad how about this my
mom and dad
they now are like actual like friends again but that's it's only because i
started to have kids like
what before i had kids they would fight at anything they got into a fight in
the crowd at my david
letterman set where i saw if you watch my david letterman set about whatever it
is three and a half
minutes in i like look up a little bit because there was a some commotion yeah
and then mad dog
matter and james matter was sitting he was one of my guests to come and he was
sitting up there he goes
yeah he goes that commotion the ushers ran down the aisle and almost threw your
mom and dad up because
your mom was sitting in like the center seat and my dad your dad leaned over
and was like hey you were
never at any of his shows i should be in the center seat not you and then she
was like i was the one
that was at all the open mics he goes he goes i was the one who was at the maui
taco i was the one who
did all that he goes i went to the creek in the cave he was like you didn't do
any of that and she
was like shut up tony he's on stage who gives it and then because james get to
your closer i know i
know mad mad dog manor and was sitting in between the both of them so my james
was the buffer between
my dad and my mom i know i would say this if i'm your therapist they're making
your letterman spot about
them they got to be there for you right there i know i know and then my mom ran
down the stairs and
pretty practically pushed me out of the way so you get a picture with john travolta
he was the other guest
you talked to travolta right yo no listen the thing is with a guy with a guy
like a john travolta
somebody i know just met tom cruise and said that like there's an aura to them
like like you understand
why they're famous like there's something magical about and tim dylan said the
same about alec
baldwin just did just worked did something with alec baldwin he said you get he
did his pocket said you
get why he's so famous travolta has that thing where it's like it's a presence
that i i don't have we
don't have you know so it's like so they have it where you're like oh i get why
hollywood was
attracted to this person and why they're like this this is something otherworldly
because he had me in
one of his trances that's what they do he had me in a trance i saw him i was
going up next you know
he had just finished his segment then there's like that commercial break and i'm
standing there
by that curtain you know waiting to go out i could see the set i'm like shitting
myself and he walks
past me and then he comes back he goes whoa you have on a beautiful suit and i
was like yeah i was
like i was like i go it's from joseph a bank and he was like oof and then kind
of he was like oh you
know and i was like i had bought it off the rack in suffolk county long island
a day before because
i don't know if you remember remember like the tailor remember like out of our
group like of guys
who like started like che was the first one to get like letterman and everyone
was like he wore jeans
right and then i was like oh shit i was going up two weeks later i was like i
got to get a suit yeah
i don't own a suit right so so i so i just bought this pull bullshit suit that
was too big and he
goes um he goes this is you have such a beautiful suit and i was like wow i was
like thanks and then
he goes um he goes uh he goes so so are you nervous and i was like a little bit
and then he put his hand
on my chest like without like just put his hand like right in the middle of my
chest he goes why is
your heart beating so fast i was like because you have your hand on my nipple
that's his pickup line yeah yeah
and then he goes and then he goes and then he goes um he goes just calm down
breathe with me
and i was like what i swear to god dude this my mother's witnessing this whole
thing too he goes i
know oh 100 he goes he goes with you know he goes um he goes just breathe with
me and i was like okay
and he goes you've done this already and i said no i haven't i'm going up next
he goes you've done this
already and i go no i'm going up i almost like i almost like got ang because
you know when you're
anxious i almost was like no fucking stupid i'm next like yes i'm paralyzed
with fear right
now yes so i put my and he goes no you've done this already and i said wow i
haven't he goes no no no
you have because your set had to be vetted i'm sure by david letterman and all
his bookers and producers
i'm sure they don't just let you on so you've done this set you've practiced
famous people think that
letterman is watching our set yeah yeah yeah david line was like thanks frank
like he didn't give a
shit you know conan o'brien's in the room like that guy right there yeah yeah
that's not what happened
so there's a booker but he says to me he goes um he goes uh you've done it
already you've been vetted
producers they don't just let anyone on the show he was like so it the hard
part our next guest paul
mercurio yeah i know he goes you know what's so crazy dude dude well the guy
who's the guy eddie brill who
was the warm-up comic did one of my bits that i was later gonna do in the war
on the letterman show
in the warm-up james i had all these texts from james madden you know i don't
dare look at my phone
sure i had all these texts from james madden hey man don't do the r-word bit
don't do the r-word
bit that i i i i'm not r-word bit a bit where i add r's into words that don't
need ours he was doing
it based off like a boston accent you used to call it the n-word bit yeah
exactly i love joe rogan yeah i'm
starting a podcast with neil young it's called we both never did rogue i'll be
a guest yeah there you
go yeah um so so get joni mitchell there it is so so um you know he's like you've
done this already
and i said no i haven't whatever and he goes no no all the hours all the times
you practice in front
of the mirror the hard part is done you've been selected now you just have to
go live the moment
so it's over already the work is done it's over just go live the five minutes
wrong and he goes be
present for those five minutes that's my only advice to you goes and you know
what he goes i'm
supposed to catch a flight i want to stay here and watch you live this moment
he said it's so cool
for me to see someone experience this for the first time he goes i'm gonna be
here cheering you on
you're gonna crush great job and i'm like holy smokes and then with that like
almost like while he's
talking you know i don't realize that about 90 seconds i've went by you get
that little tap on your
shoulder because you can't hear and they tap me out and i hear david letterman
saying please welcome
chris stefano oh my god and i went out there and i had you know like a really
good present in the
moment set and i felt like oh my god and in my head this whole time i'm
thinking like i'm like doing
these jokes in front of john travolta like who knows what could happen maybe i'll
be a look who's
talking three i don't know i don't know and then i come out and i see my mom
there and she's like
oh my god like you know like great whatever how's it feels i was like amazing
and i was like where's
where's john you know and she goes oh honey he left immediately i swear to god
yeah but he did what
he had to do he got y