Name: Ep 69: Bert Kreischer w/ Tito's and Kool-Aid
Uploaded: 2022-04-04T01:01:47.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 69: Bert Kreischer w/ Tito's and Kool-Aid' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 69: Bert Kreischer w/ Tito's and Kool-Aid' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-04. Transcript available.

Ep 69: Bert Kreischer w/ Tito's and Kool-Aid

Hi, my name is Bert Kreischer.
With everything going on in the world of comedy, what with violence and jokes,
I just want
to make sure everyone knows that at my show at the Greek in Los Angeles on May
5th, there
will be no jokes made about anyone's family other than my own.
Wait a minute, I got a great joke about your wife being a whore.
Well, let me hear it.
Well, hold on, she's not done.
Mark Norman will also be performing with me May 5th at the Greek.
You got that right.
It's a family affair.
Are you?
I got a great joke about your wife being a whore.
Oh, is it too loud too loud?
Wait a minute, I got a great joke about your wife being a whore.
Let me hear it.
Uh, she blew me yesterday.
Perfect.
I got a great joke about your wife being a whore.
Let's hear the joke, Mark.
Alright, Liam's a huge skank.
Love you, Liam.
We'll see you in the Greek.
The Greek!
Cinco de Mayo!
Woo!
Is that really how tall Patrick Ewing was?
Oh, yeah.
That's not that tall.
Seven feet?
That's not seven feet.
Hang on.
Is that for real?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Doesn't seem that impressive.
That's not as big as he was.
Yeah, is that right?
No, that's not right.
Maybe it must be.
Does he look at his arms like this.
My arm is bigger than Patrick Ewing's?
Well, maybe it's not.
Yeah, I don't know.
That is weird.
I never thought of it.
I don't know.
Because if you ever meet a basketball player, they're like...
Look at how much bigger my hand is than Patrick Ewing's.
Hewitt.
Yeah, that can't be right then.
You're right.
Now do dicks.
That's great.
No, he was fucking huge.
That can't be right then.
Yeah.
I went to a Pelicans game with Hannibal once, and he got me first row, front
row on the
field or what?
On the court.
The field?
Jesus Christ.
Courtside, and it was just like avatars.
You're like, they look so huge.
Dude, James Harden is legit a big dude.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's not tall, but he's like...
He's large, his arms are big, and he is quick as fuck.
Yeah.
He is a specimen.
That's the only person I've ever seen.
I saw Michael Jordan play once.
Really?
Well, here's the interesting story about that.
Ooh.
Man's cut to me.
Man's cut to me.
So I told Segura one time, we were doing Two Bears, and I said, he said, what's
a show,
what's one of the most memorable shows you've ever had?
And I said, I saw Nirvana play in Tallahassee.
Jesus.
You saw Nirvana play?
And I said, yes.
Smashing Pumpkins open for him.
And he goes, it doesn't seem like that would have been real.
And when it doesn't feel real.
But I have the memory.
Yeah.
No, they were after him.
And so he said, you should check that out.
I said, what's the point of checking it out?
Because I have the memory, right?
I remember it.
Interesting.
That's the only thing you really want is the memory, right?
It's a fond memory I have.
So if I check it out, I find out it's now a false memory.
I lose it entirely.
But right now I have it.
I don't know.
That's no good.
Well, no.
Hear me out.
Hear me out.
He says, well, what?
By the way, we should have put this on a podcast.
This is going to be saving this.
Let's save it.
Save it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Save it.
I'll save it.
I'll save it.
I'll save it.
All that Patrick Ewing stuff is fun, too.
I don't know if you've got any of that.
The measuring yourself against him.
Yeah.
We're saving it.
Let me get out of here.
Do you understand how you're using it?
Oh, of course.
Easy.
All right.
Very nice.
Very nice.
Very nice.
Very nice.
Wow.
It's not the funnest language to speak these days.
No, no, no.
Ready?
Yeah.
Okay, we're rolling, so.
All right.
All right.
Let's rock.
Shall we?
They might be drunk.
They're definitely getting drunk.
Yeah.
All right.
Hey, hey, folks.
Here we are.
We might be drunk.
This is it.
The pod.
We're here.
We're queer.
We're shirtless, kind of.
Looks good.
Yeah.
Those are good looking chests.
Yeah.
Do you know?
Look at how sad mine is like this.
Oh, yeah.
You got a little flop over with the tits.
It's like with the pizza when it flops.
Yeah.
That's your stomach.
Are you going shirtless or are you going to hang in there?
I'm going to look disgusting if I sit shirtless like this.
No.
No, you look all right.
No, guys.
I will look disgusting.
You know what it is?
It's when it doesn't look funny anymore.
You're like, oh.
It's concerning.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So like in order to be shirtless right now, I'm really fat.
I'm not the fattest I've ever been.
I'm losing weight, but I'm really fat.
And when I need to be standing shirtless, I look okay.
Yeah.
The second I sit and you see my gut hang over my belt, you're like, ooh.
Well, they did a study and the man bod was the hottest body to females.
The man bod?
I would imagine that.
The man bod.
Yeah.
No, you mean dad bod.
Sorry, dad bod.
I was like, yeah, man's body.
Yeah, that's probably number one.
Statistically, they're less lesbians.
Dad bod.
Sorry.
Is that true?
The dog bod.
Dad bod's number one.
That's one.
That can't be true.
Give it a goog, Peters.
I'm telling you, they did a whole study.
Who are these realistic women?
Yeah, they're out there.
That doesn't sound.
That doesn't sound real.
They want to feel small.
Women.
I think women are.
Ooh.
Uh-oh.
See, here's the problem.
When you're sexist, you have to be care.
And I think I might be sexist.
I don't know.
I don't know.
But I'm saying I don't know.
But my wife says I'm sexist all the time.
One time she said, you want to hear this?
There's a fucking real story.
Usually people are like, my wife says I'm not sexist.
Oh, no, no.
My wife and daughter said that they don't like the way I represent women in
material.
Oh, really?
Yeah, who fucking listens to them?
They're women.
But, so one time we were getting on a plane, right?
Yeah.
We had the exit rows.
I had the single exit row.
And Leanne had the two-person exit row.
Oh, yeah.
Right?
And so she was by herself in the two-person.
And the single one was available.
And a dude came up next to me, like a tall dude.
And he sat in front of Leanne.
And I said, hey, man, my wife's sitting by herself over here.
Would you like to take my, he was like six, seven.
Would you like to take my exit row seat?
And I'll sit over with my wife.
He was like, hey, thanks, man.
And my wife said, it's interesting you only saw that one man.
You only saw that man.
You know there were tall women that walked by you?
And I said, okay.
And she goes, but they weren't attractive.
So they have no value to you.
But they weren't six, seven.
They weren't six, seven.
And by the way, what am I supposed to go?
Hey, big bitch.
Are your knees on the back of this guy's car?
And I was like, what?
So she lit me up for that.
I've been lit up for a lot of them.
But he was sitting next to her.
He was sitting in front of her.
In front of her.
And his legs were like this.
And so I said, I'll sit with my wife.
You sit back here.
And so my wife's, but they've said I've sat.
But you also, if you're trading seats, it has to be an appealing trade.
He's tall.
It's an appealing trade.
Yeah.
Good point.
That's not not feminist.
Yeah.
Well, I've been lit up for other stuff, too.
The what was the one?
Oh, well, there's what I was going to say.
It's like, you know how women can have sex and not have an orgasm and go.
But I still enjoy it.
Sure.
Well, I can never say that.
I hear that all the time.
I can never be like, oh, no.
Yeah.
Wait, am I the only one that said, too?
No, no.
Okay.
As I said that, I went.
Wait, did I just help myself?
You know, women are like, no, I don't have to have orgasms.
It was great.
You know how they say that all the time.
Yeah, yeah.
They're very nice.
This happens to every guy.
I don't like girth.
I get all that.
I bring the vibrator in now because I want to, you know, it's like a good set.
You want to do well.
So I bring the vibrator in just to make sure we're all good.
Do you?
Like, if I don't satisfy her, I get the vibe in there.
I'm licking a nip while vibing.
It's like a good set.
Whoa.
Yeah, you want to kill.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Look at these fruity delights.
Looking awesome.
Nice job, Beer Jew.
Burt, I just saw you guys on Two Bears, One Cave, when Tom Segura found out you
drink
like a gallon of Kool-Aid a day.
Yeah.
So today we got a gallon of Kool-Aid.
A gallon of Kool-Aid.
A gallon of Kool-Aid.
Genius.
Oh.
I changed it up a little bit with some mint and St. Germain.
Woo.
And a little soda.
I love it.
It's really good.
Oh, my God.
Oh, that's-
That's delightful.
This is a problem.
This is a legit problem.
This tastes like childhood, but it's adult.
This is like driving in the desert.
Ooh.
Because you're like, you don't see any rose, but you're like, I can't get hurt.
Yeah.
Woo.
This is going to sneak up on you.
Mm-hmm.
I want it to.
Oh, that's good.
Yes.
I want it to be like Jack the Ripper.
I'll be walking down a cobblestone street because my father has a consumption.
There might not be a feminist of Jack the Ripper as your example for-
I wrote one pro-woman joke in my act, but it's about stinky pussies.
Yeah.
So I don't think it translates.
Yeah.
I just don't think like, I'm not-
Well, you know when people, okay, here's a question.
Can you get better?
You know?
Of course.
But no, but can you, like if you think something, like if someone's a racist-
Yeah.
Yeah.
But can you ever fix a racist?
Because they're always going to think the thing.
I think the same thing.
Like if you're a pedophile, you can not act on it, but you still want to fuck
kids.
It's in you.
You need, but okay.
Hopefully it's not in you.
No, no.
I'm in the kid.
But you need, you need a real act.
You need active, like what's it called?
Cognitive behavioral therapy.
Yeah.
You need it to happen to you for you to change and you have to want to change.
Yeah.
It's like being an alcoholic.
So like, I love my daughters.
I love, and, and having daughters changed the way.
I remember the first thing, my first step out of sexism.
Cause I think when I, no joke, no joke.
I'm joking about the, obviously the sexism stuff, but no joke.
When I met Leanne, I was definitely sexist.
I was really, I was actually, I was actually sexist.
Like I had a problem with women cause I had been hurt by them so much.
I was like every broken dude that's about to leave a comment right now.
Yeah.
I was like those guys.
And the thing about the, the thing about the racist though, like every racist
movie, like
American history X, they befriend a black guy in prison and they're like, Oh, I
cannot
be racist now.
Right.
But I don't think that works with pedophiles.
I don't think you just meet like one ugly kid and you're like, I'm good.
You know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's true.
You get one kid to really talk some sense into you.
And he's a little.
Hey man.
Hey man.
Like, just so you know, this is going to break me.
Yeah.
The rest of my life.
And then, and then you're like, don't ruin this for me.
Uh, yeah.
Don't ruin this.
Yeah.
You don't meet the kid in prison.
They separate you.
Right.
Right.
You ever think, thank God.
Like I do gratitudes every morning.
All the time.
Thank God.
I'm not attracted to children.
It's cause it's not a choice.
If it was a choice, you would just go, Oh, I don't want to be that way.
This is probably what they drink though.
Honestly, by the way, if you're looking to fuck a kid, this is the cocktail.
Yeah.
If Michael Jackson had two more of these.
I don't know if we would've gotten home alone too.
We should sell these in a juice box.
We'll call this Michael's hard lemonade.
Yeah.
Michael's.
Can I tell you?
That's why I like being around you guys.
Cause you guys are the funniest fucking guys in New York.
You are the two funniest comics working without a fucking doubt.
But it's like, my wife will never get it.
Cause she goes, she's like, what are you doing tonight?
And I said, I'm going up Mark and Sam.
We're going to have drinks.
And she's like, she's like, I thought you're going to slow down.
And I was like, yeah, but how can I slow down when I have the opportunity to
laugh my fucking dick off?
Well, we don't have to, you know, next time, you k