Name: Ep 90: Tequila Soda
Uploaded: 2022-08-29T01:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 90: Tequila Soda' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 90: Tequila Soda' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-29. Transcript available.

Ep 90: Tequila Soda

Hi! Hey folks, here we are. WFRQ Cincinnati. No, just kidding. We might be
drunk. We're
here. What do you got there? A little lip balm? I got a peeve already at. Look
at this
shit. Uh-oh. It's overflowing. The lip balm overflowing. Yeah, it looks like a
prolapsed
anus over there coming out of that. This looks like the start of a dog dick.
Look at
this. The old lipstick. This is brutal. The Red Rocket. Good movie. Good movie.
Yeah.
Great ep, by the way. Oh, maybe the best. If you haven't heard the Simon Rex ep,
one
of my fave. Yeah. Eps. But nothing worse than when a dog dick or a cat dick
gets
hard. Yeah. That's a sense of day ruiner. Yeah, it's really gross. It's gross.
The
dog just spread eagle. That thing's pointing at you. Yeah, and then you just
start
sucking it. Yeah. It's so gross. Weird. Tastes like puppy chow. You can't help
yourself. I know. But hey, that's a whole different summer. What do we got here,
Peters?
Yeah, tequila and soda. Ooh, reposado. What's wrong with that? Nice summer
drink. I got a bone
to pick with tequila. Yeah. So everybody was telling me, you know, ten, five
years ago, I'm
like, ah, my hangovers are bad. They're like, tequila and seltzer with a lime,
no hangover,
get the clear stuff, goes down easy. I'm hungover every night. Now, I've
switched to vodka.
That's really good, though. That's good stuff. Yeah, I don't, I'm not a big tequila
guy. I thought you were always a tequila guy. I love tequila, and I still like
the taste,
and it's my favorite shooter, but vodka to me, the hangover is better. Mine was
Dylann Roof.
Dylann Roof. By the way, not my favorite. John Wick. Really, if we're breaking
it down. Way
better shooter. Got to go fictional. Yeah, yeah. What about Lee Harvey? Lee
Harvey. I mean,
he had one shot, he nailed it. One shot. Mm-hmm. Just like Eminem. Yeah, yeah.
Mom's spaghetti
all over that back seat. Sorry. Poor Onassis. She was holding his brains. Ugh.
Damn. Maybe
the first hot first lady. I thought you were going to say a hot load of brains
all over
her. Man, that was the first Bukkake. She was a hot, is she the hottest first
lady? Where
do you rank her as hot first ladies, Mark? Well, nobody wants to admit it, but
Melania is
the hottest. Yeah, I think so. Hands down. I think Michelle's in the mix. Yeah.
You don't
think so? I think people give her a couple extra points.
I think she's hot. I think Melania is probably one. Mm-hmm. Where's Jackie? I
put Jackie
over Michelle. Michelle's got the best arms. Oh my lord, that's wild. She is
hot. Look
at that. How about that MILF on the train on the way here with the arms? Oh my
god. We
fucking, we looked at each other. Yeah, yeah. We looked at each other quickly
and then
didn't waste any time and looked back at the MILF. Yes, yes. Oh my god. She's
very
Greek. Jackie is hot, dude. She's hot. Her dad's an oil tycoon. Yeah. Franklin
Onassis,
there's some shit. That hair is not helping her. She's got the Hillary. Well,
yeah, it was
hot in the 60s, that Bob. Not a big fan of the Bob. No, no, no. Most attractive
first
ladies. Oh, jeez, come on. We're going back to- Taft's wife? Victorian times
here. Laura
Bush. I did hear that Nancy Reagan was a real Hoover. I didn't hear that. To
bring it back
to president. Laura Bush. She's got Bush. What happened to Barbara? Barbara
Bush looked
like a regular lady one day, then the next day she turned into where's the beef
lady. Yeah,
what the hell? She ended up looking like fucking the coach from Rocky. What the
hell happened
overnight? Melania's too? All right, all right. Michelle's not bad. Michelle's
good looking,
man. Great cheekbones. Michelle's an attractive
woman. She is an attractive lady. Her hands are bigger than mine, but she's an
attractive lady.
Yeah. It's not scoring you any points in these handjobs. No, no, God. But Melania
is hot.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Although Melania, yeah, I feel like they all have like things
that like
turn me off about them. Like first off, Michelle's got too much to do. I feel
like she'd always
be out doing shit, like side projects. Whereas Melania would be doing side
projects where I'm
like, we're selling jewelry in the Hamptons again. I know. Come on. I know.
They always
have to have a cookbook. Oh, wow. Melania's hot. That's her?
There's a porn star who looks just like her who might have the best porn body
out there. I can't
think of her name. There is something about, I mean, how often do you think she
and Trump
actually fuck? When's the last time you think they actually fuck? Not that
often, but geez,
look at the cans on Ivana. Is it Ivana? It's Ivanka. Ivanka. Ivana fell down a
staircase.
Who? Trump's wife. Is that right? Yeah. She died. Oh, I thought that was an
abortion joke.
No, she died. She died? You didn't know that? No, no. She fell down a staircase
and died.
Holy hell. Which is, look, let's be honest, like tragic, but also you lived in
a pretty
nice place in Manhattan if you had a staircase. Right? That's true. The only
way that's more
first world is if like a butler pushed her and then a Pomeranian fed on her
remains.
Once a dog gets human flesh, I can't go back. You got to put it down. Really?
Fun fact, yeah.
Damn. Ever tell you the old story? What story? My dad was just, became friends
with his old
guy in the neighborhood and he would go over there and like kind of feed him
lunch every
day because his wife died. So my dad would like go hang out with him to be nice.
So one
day, knocks on the door, the old guy doesn't answer and he's like, oh, maybe he
needs some
alone time. Maybe he's in the shower. Knocks on the door the next day, nothing.
Next
day, a week goes by and he goes, you know what? I'm going in there. Who knows
what happened to
this old guy? And he's pushing the door in. He has keys. Door won't open, like
unlocked,
but won't open. There's something blocking the door. Push the door open. Corpse
blocking
the door. Dogs had eaten it. Wow. What kind of dog? What? What kind of dog? It
was two
Dobermans. Damn. Yeah. So they had to put him down. Fuck. Oh yeah. I made the
whole thing
up, but a hell of a story. At least they got their last meal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
What
are you thinking? Last meal. Prison. It's a tough one. You know, I don't even
want this,
but for some reason, lobster mac and cheese just popped into my head because it's
covering
a lot of food groups. Good point. Good point. You're getting like some seafood,
but also
some cheese in there. I mean, my gut says steak probably. Yeah. Steak frites
probably.
Hey, that's not bad. Yeah, that's not bad. Well, part of me is like, I want to
go something,
give me a slow cooker, you know, maybe a brisket just because it'll buy me a
few more
hours, you know? I think they're getting it pre-prepared. I don't think you get
the extra
10. All right. Good point. Good point. How about, uh... I'd go back to New
Orleans, you know,
I'd get boiled crawfish, seafood gumbo, crawfish etouffee, shrimp creole,
something like that
just to go back to the roots. Yeah. You got a local hero. Yes. Here, here. It's
like, sure,
he murdered 12, but he had gumbo. Right, right. I'd get some like, you know,
old black lady
in New Orleans whose restaurant is struggling. I'd be like, you cook it. Maybe
get a little
publicity. Hopefully she knows voodoo. She puts a little pin in the guard's
neck. He's like,
fuck, it got me. Mark breaks free. Exactly. I like, uh, yeah. Steak is tough
not to go with. I do love
a good seafood. I, you know, ooh, apple pie for James Dean. That's what he said.
Would be as,
these are, they were asked what their death row meals would be. Whoa, good one.
Grilled cheese for
Sinatra? What? That is such a disappointing answer. Interesting. Although, you
know what? I will say,
grilled cheese is, is comforting. It's comfort food. It's never not good. It's
never not,
you can't fuck it up. Can't fuck it up. It's a rainy day with a tomato soup,
maybe a dip.
Woo. That's a great combo too. The tomato soup and the, I mean, that's
childhood. What else?
A, uh, classic American cuisine for Abe Lincoln. Just, that's it. A little
vague. A little vague.
You don't want to leave that up to interpretation. They could come in there
with a ham sandwich.
French onion soup for Julia Child. She, she knew, she knew her shit. Yeah.
Breakfast of champions.
What is that? Wheaties? For Napoleon? Oh, not what they would choose. Death by
dessert for Elvis.
Damn. I know he was a fan of the peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Yeah.
They do the Elvis
burger at some places, which I've never really had the balls to. No. To order
figs for Cleopatra.
They were probably exotic in Egypt. Braised pork knuckle. That sounds like a
sex move.
Bourdain. Bourdain was, yeah, what did it say? A braised pork knuckle with a
horseradish,
Surveillance sausage, and sauerkraut. Well, that does sound delicious.
Don't you want to be international? Like these guys are like, oh, I was in
Prague and I got
a phone call that my wife fell down the stairs and died. So I got to go fly out
to meet her.
Like, I wish I was like a jet setty. I'm not, you know, you got to be rich, but
like, wouldn't
you love to be like, ah, Sinatra's like, I'm in London, but I'm coming back.
Yeah. Come fly with me. When he wrote that, that was like a, that was like a
pickup line.
Yes. He's like, I can get us on a plane. Oh, I would love that. Come fly with
me. And
they're like, you, you have plane access. I know. Cause we're all over the
country every
weekend, Denver, Florida, LA, Portland, you name it. But like to have the world
be your oyster
like that. Yeah. Like, you know, let's go to Monaco. I got to clear my head.
The world
is your oyster. Oyster's aphrodisiac. That's true. The world's your oyster. So
is vagina.
Here, here. Something about oysters that is, I mean, it is kind of like eating
a vagina.
It is. You're in there, you're slurping. Right, right. You stick your finger in.
Yeah. Some smell worse than others. Yeah. Some are a little briny. I like to
put my vaginas
on a cracker too. Put a little ritz under there. A little saltine. A little
horseradish.
Yeah. I love it. It's the best. Mm-hmm. Oyster. And you know what? Kind of like
a oyster,
a vagina, it's always a toss up. Is it going to make me sick? Nah. Yeah. Am I
going to regret
it later? Yeah. Could this be a bad idea? I mean, we are, we are in Albany.
Right?
Yes. And as I, as I reach for my coaster slash fake tit. Hey, can't go wrong.
Can we use
this as a coaster, you think? Try it. Or is it too risky? I think you could do
it. It's
like a beanbag chair for a drink. There you go. Ah, maybe not. That's a sign of
a good
tit. That should be how you test it. Yeah. Can I hold a drink on it? No, that's
a good
tit. These tits rule, man. I know. It's hard to not squeeze. It's a great gift.
And she
reposted us, this lady. Really? Yeah. Whoever, whoever she was. Lentil soup? Trey
Parker's
wife. Lentil soup? Belushi? Ah. This is from Trey Parker's wife? Yeah. Isn't
that right?
Oh, yeah. Are you serious? Man, if you're listening. Oh, the dream guest. We
want, we want Trey
and Matt on this podcast. We're South Park. Hell yeah. Super fans. Come on. We'd
love to
have you. We've seen all the movies. We've seen the show. It's, it's probably
one of the
the last ballsy societal commentary shows out there. They're grandfathered in
from the
90s. Yeah. So it's kind of like, they, they, they're just, they kind of get
that pass, which
is awesome. Okay. Now here's a quick, cause a lot of people say, well, family
guy, South,
but they can do this horribly offensive stuff cause it's a cartoon. Yeah. It's
animated.
What if we animated ourselves as a standup and just did crazy fucked up jokes
like 9-11,
Holocaust, all this shit, uh, rape, race, gay, all these horrifying jokes, but
we're animated.
I, here's the problem. No one wants to watch standup animated. Yeah.
Here's where, here's the closest you can come in. I think I get what you're
getting at.
Think of like a ventriloquist. But that's kind of what y