Name: Ep 111: Yamaneika Saunders & Paper Knife
Uploaded: 2023-01-23T02:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 111: Yamaneika Saunders & Paper Knife' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 111: Yamaneika Saunders & Paper Knife' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-23. Transcript available.

Ep 111: Yamaneika Saunders & Paper Knife

on that note are we rolling oh hey we might be drunk folks welcome how the hell
are you we got
uh we got yamanika saunders here our old pal fellow comedian yes she just woke
up from a cosby
i did wake up from a nap oh man you came straight from the gym i came straight
from the gym i did
some extra steps today i walked to back on the subway back in poverty time back
on the subway
with the poor people uber has really uber's a rich man's game a consistent yep
rich man you can't
be on hiatus from nothing if you want to stay on uber but we got whatever
wherever you're going
after this we got your uber you really do of course yeah shit i ain't got
nowhere to go i'm walking up
to my um psychiatrist even better just take it to him and around the block a
few times you guys are
so cute i should have known y'all had the uber hookup oh yeah we got the app
yeah we got the hookup yeah
are you worried about the subway at all like that seems like the slashings went
up yeah i mean i
haven't for two and a half years i didn't go into subway at all whenever the
pandemic start to
whatever it kind of like died down a little bit then you know um i'm not i don't
want to be i don't like
being around people in general so you know what i mean you don't already added
murder to the shit too
you added murder to some i already don't want to do like oh i'm really not
going to be here now right
you know it's a good point the dmv it's even worse yeah it's like and it's a
poor person's game too i
hate to talk about poverty and poor but this is you know i don't want to die
like that no you know
people want to die you know kill stabbing is a bad way to die i mean first of
all this the thing about
stabbing is this how slow do you have to be moving to get stabbed but then also
you got to remember
sometimes you can't break away that's my thing because like if i got open air
it's gonna be hard
for you to stab me if i'm awake right you know i'm saying like a foot gotta go
out an arm gotta go out
when you on the subway and everybody's sitting down and all this other nonsense
the stabbing
it can't happen immediately because you ain't got nowhere to go yeah but the
only thing that could
possibly save you is that the person can't get enough velocity and they are
because they can't
go back but so far and then it's a light stab hard to stab at rush hour yeah no
room you need the yeah
the rotation sure yeah what about one of these you next somebody you know you
hit them with the old uh
you know what i one of my um one of my friends said he used to be i don't know
if i should tell
the story i'm not gonna say his name he he was in prison oh yeah and it wasn't
yeah i wish
you you never know i wish i had got access to bill cosby back in his pill days
because
i would have sued him so hard you know i i get it you want him just to be vilified
but i also want
some cash sure you know what i mean like you ain't like you know the statute of
limitation is up but
hush money it never expires um my friend he was uh he was in prison and this
you know somebody tell
you something it sounds like a lie oh yeah they tell it to you so well you're
like oh is it
believable and then now you got to go on a deep google search to see if it's
possible right so he
told me this guy kept messing with him whatever he's a thin guy he said he got
a piece of paper he was
collecting paper keeping paper hard letting it get crunchy is this a money
thing we mean money paper
what do you mean paper hard newspaper i forgot i forgot y'all ain't y'all
millennials y'all don't
know about newspapers oh okay we used to keep the paper hard well what else who
else what a paper
i didn't know what that meant sorry i don't want to show my did y'all think
about newspaper when i
instantly said paper or y'all didn't say i thought paper was money i gotta make
that paper
child i can't even mess with y'all i mean i get it but who even touches paper
now papers
obsolete i got paper on me are you talking about cash yeah you got cash yeah i
got a ton of cash
i don't have no care they said they start printing paper that's what i heard on
the conspiracy theories
ah they said no more paper and then they gonna go to the yang or some like that
but i don't know you know i get my news from bet the basketball player now um
next thing you know
they got the man said he uh my friend said he went was crunching up the paper
making the paper hard so
the paper could be super hard people gotta be super hard crunchy you gotta wait
i guess months for the
paper to get hard i don't know how long it takes for people to get hard why
would it be months well
because he rolled the paper up he said he finally got the paper hard he rolled
the paper up got and
made a shank out of it so when the guy came he said he backed with a piece of
paper the newspaper i see
and he said the guy was gushing blood i said gushing off of what i said was it
the obituaries
i don't even know like to me it was so crazy that you could even get paper like
that yeah yeah i had
to start googling but i never found anything to say that was actually factual i
don't know not even a
prison lore toilet paper i mean they get crazy creative in prison that toilet
paper knife can we
see that look at that who made a toilet paper knife with the handles real if
you jizz on anything it'll
get hard have you seen a crunchy sock do you think when the warden grabs him he's
like look this is
terrible but a plus for creativity right you get a gold star look at that what
are we drinking by the
the way what is this oh yeah the hell am i drinking that's like a basil and um
kind of cranberry with
a little gin that's i want to try that actually i want to try that can you make
me one absolutely
i'm not drinking because i've stopped drinking but i definitely when you said
all of that i want that
it's good with gin or just without i can make it without make without the gin
yeah don't don't don't
fall we always say don't fall back because i wasn't no alcoholic honey my
addiction ain't alcohol it's
food okay what kind of what kind of food are we talking what would you oh my
god well first of all
my system i'm i'm this way because of uh a disability okay um that has not i'm
trying to get it up to
congress oh boy um when you got a slow metabolism it's a disability okay so
that's my situation a lot of
people have that problem um i love macaroni and cheese i love anything with a
crust anything that's
cheesy yep i like anything that's like um you you um you ever had like a um a
fondue right but then
you have like a cheesy fondue and then you got like a chocolate white chocolate
fondue oh yeah my lowest
point because i'm not eating like that anymore because my diet has lost a lot
of weight i have
lost like even though people go they ought to see a side by side right because
i'm still fat right so
like when fair people start losing weight it's like well don't stop here you
know so people try to
withhold the congratulations until you you get where you need to get and then
they start to go oh
okay you know all right so um what was i talking about fondue yeah that was my
ex-girlfriend she was asian fondue
yes let me tell you something mine was jewish her name was won't do listen this
is
let me tell you something
not and baby shark do do do they say clip it clip it somebody said that
everything do rent do pay do
baby shark do do y'all need to jump on black instagram and twitter it's more
fun oh black twitter is
amazing and uh uh what is it hood clips oh all of that yeah you can't i i
realized i had to start um
following a lot of white girls because it was too many pink organization amazon
um box reveals for me
it's like and they always got miniature shit white girls love little teeny shit
tell me about it
it's a problem oh man you know what i'm just going to relax and enjoy this show
because i like to laugh
too that was crazy what y'all just did that's wonderful and by the way we the
only reason we
didn't bring a drink out for you i feel bad now as as host because i heard
because i heard you don't
drink yeah i don't drink i eat right and i can't you know what i'm saying i can't
do that like that anymore
because you know my system my metabolism i've had to cut out so much stuff that
i love i love
cilantro number one thing i can't have so i went and did uh got blood work done
which everybody should
do because you don't know you start following the things that they say you're
supposed to have and
not supposed to have but you need to follow the things that are happening for
your body thank you
so much my love that looks delicious gut health yeah all of that so when i went
and got the blood work
it said i couldn't have cilantro there we go wow cheers thank you to the paper
knife
oh that's good you came up with this yeah
yeah he's a hunk you know we have the paper plane this is the paper knife there
you go i like that
i love it that's good well said um
mark i can't take this is what i'm talking this is some she you'll never see on
a black podcast
she's trying to talk about her journey to weight loss put poop out of his ass
and he know i'm the
wrong one to do that shit too i went to the shower to come here from the gym
and you're gonna
raise your little stinky ass up yeah but thanks for shooting in my direction
put it in your damn
eyeballs that's crazy as hell and this is exactly why people be getting
murdered on the train because
of shit like that that's insane you know we're all adults here insane mark if
you have to go feel free
and then and you heard how it came out like it was surprise it was it was you
know what it was it
was like it was like a fart the way a guy would like peek behind the door right
right because it
saw me out here was like not why this black lady's here but we already being
pushed out i treat
everyone equally that's why i thank you but also i'm offended oh it's out of
love i didn't
no i appreciate no no that's it's a comfort thing of course it doesn't smell
great either but i can't
talk about food now with this you know lingering in the damn air that's crazy
you need to go see
no no no i have to tell it let me finish because it's important i went and got
blood work done i
still got a couple more they took so much blood the woman said to me at the lab
she said do you
want me to take all this in one sit down so i was like yeah who cares of course
why would i want to
come back here and get more blood and this and that right she came out with
like 40 little vows and i
said okay well whoa she clearly the not gonna fill up all of these right it's
gonna be a drop here drop
there drop drop drop drop by the 10th one i was like listen what so do people
be passing out from
this yeah she's like yeah all the time oh my god all the time that's why i
asked you if you wanted to
do a certain amount i said okay well i said listen what number do they pass out
because i just want to
beat the person that passed out about and so we wound up doing uh uh 20 in one
day or so i had to come
back and do more there's four more that i had to do so it's um you know it's so
it's based upon my body
so my blood i can't have almonds what so you know i have been making
adjustments with almond milk because
they said with healthy living you want to do almond milk instead of regular
milk that was
me up because i can't have almonds it like it shoots through my system big time
it causes me to
withhold and blow and all kinds of my system i can't have peanuts i can't have
cashews i can't have
cilantro i can't have green beans wow i can't have any like i had to stop italian
food which is really
hard for me because i had i can't have basil i can't have oregano this has
basil in it doesn't it
does it this has just like the flavor of basil there's no actual what is that
green thing yeah
you don't you don't eat it though but oh no
i just want to see now if i start bloating up it's because of the basil but it's
a lot of things
that you have to think about when your system i just been throwing food in my