Name: Ep 120: Matt Ruby
Uploaded: 2023-03-27T01:00:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 120: Matt Ruby' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 120: Matt Ruby' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-27. Transcript available.

Ep 120: Matt Ruby

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Let's do it.
Are you rolling?
Oh, baby.
No bartender today?
No Salamanca?
Yes.
The teacher's away.
And the mice will play.
You got that right.
I don't think that was the expression.
The mice are gay.
The cat's away.
The mice will play.
That's it.
Close enough.
But we got some Mark Vodka sodas.
Yeah.
Made them strong.
It's a beautiful day.
It's 60 degrees in New York.
Global warming.
Love it.
Cheers.
Hit me.
Push it hard this weekend.
I'm having a great day.
I helped two people in New York.
How'd you help them?
A blind lady fell in the street on 6th Avenue, and I ran to save her.
Picked her up.
She was all old and fucked up.
And I called her a cab.
And then on the way here, an old...
I hope she doesn't listen to this podcast.
Because that was not really helping.
She was all old and disgusting.
I saved her.
She had snot.
Bad dress.
You know.
So yeah, I helped her.
Got her a cab.
And then on the way here, I ran out of the subway, and there was an old lady on
top with
a bag.
And she was like...
And I was like, let me get the bag.
And I took the bag, and I ran it down.
She was an old bag.
But don't you just feel...
You want people to see that.
I'm like, where's all my haters?
I want you to see me helping these old folks.
You do hope someone sees that.
Yeah.
That's when you want to get recognized.
Exactly.
You never get recognized when you want to.
I know.
It's always you coming out of a fucking porn store, and you're like, I went in
as a joke.
Right, right.
Yeah.
They're like, why are you hard?
Wait, no.
That's part of the joke.
I commit.
Yes.
Yes.
No, it's...
I know you mean me.
I had a guy stop me the other day on the street, and he was like, he just kind
of...
You know when it's coming, he gave me a look, and I was like, I give him like a
hello.
Yeah.
And then he goes, Josh Hart for the Knicks.
And I was like, it's a good signing.
I like it.
And then he goes, I have a startup.
And I'm like, oh, fuck.
Here we go.
Oh, no.
I was like, you blew it.
We had a thing.
It was a good thing.
Yeah.
Never ask for things, folks.
It's all gravy until you start going, I have a script.
You got to read it, or I want you to be in this, or whatever.
And you're like, damn it.
Now I got to say no to you.
I know.
What's up with this one?
I had a show in Spokane.
Great show.
Great clubs.
Did you go to Frank's Diner?
I went to Frank's Diner.
That's a great diner.
Great diner.
In the boxcar?
Yes.
I love that.
Amazing.
It was a line, too, but we waited out.
That's a classic.
Vieter fought for that one.
Everyone on the road, he's like, we got to go to Frank's.
Let's go.
It's great.
It's great.
Also, the other one, the Greasy Spoon.
Satellite's a good one, too.
Oh, I didn't go there.
Spokane's got some clutch diners.
Yeah.
Well, it's like a working town.
A lot of blue-collar people go in there.
But I had this one crowd that sucked, and then I do the Q&A at the end, and
they're going,
how's the house coming in Brooklyn?
What's up with your watch beeping?
They knew everything about me.
I'm like, you guys know me.
You're the biggest fans.
You know more about me than my father, and you're the worst crowd.
Isn't that the weirdest thing?
Well, that's our greatest fear, is once they get to know you, they're no longer
really
invested.
Yeah.
But they were invested.
They were there, but you want the laughs.
I think they were just like, oh, this is cool.
We're seeing him in front of us, but they weren't ha-ha-ing.
No, I've had that a couple of times in a row, where they just want to be there.
I feel like sometimes podcasting is ruining stand-up.
Yeah, yeah, because they want to talk to you.
They don't want to watch you.
Right.
I guess.
But I do think most of the shows are still killer.
But occasionally, I get that feeling.
Yeah.
Seven out of eight were great, but that won.
Like, David Tell would be like podcasts are ruining.
Definitely.
I think.
Definitely.
Or the Colin Quinns of the world.
Yeah, yeah.
But they also help so much.
They help sell tickets.
And you get to know, the fans get to know you more.
So they know your humor more.
Yeah.
No, it's a double-edged sword.
But yeah, I was in Salt Lake with Gary.
We hit it up, man.
We did it right.
Tan France.
Got a little lunch with Tan France.
He said he'll come on the pod, so I'm going to hold him to it.
Please, come on here.
We want him on.
I need his help with my special.
I don't know what to wear.
You should hit him up.
I'm worried he's going to be too fashion-y.
No, I think you say what you want, and he gets you a cooler version of what you
want.
All right.
That's his job.
Tanny, let's do it.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's what he does.
He's the fashion guy.
All right, all right.
I need him.
My favorite part of that show, Queer Eye, is when the guy is like, you know, I
hated gay
people before, and now I realize they're really cool.
I'm like, well, not all gay people are just going to fix your life.
That's not how all gay people are.
Right.
They're not guardian angels.
They're gays.
They're annoying gay people, too.
That's true.
These are just, they were hired to help.
Right, right.
I think they are, gays have some qualities that make them better than the
typical straight
guy.
Oh, yeah.
At fashion.
Of course.
At, you know, decorating.
If you're not ripped as a gay guy now, I'm kind of like, what are you doing?
Yeah.
It's like a black guy with a small dick.
It's tough.
Yeah.
Come on, man.
I had a friend growing up, black guy.
He couldn't dance.
Wow.
And it was, it ruined his life.
He was just like, we'd have dance parties or go to the bar and, you know, white
guys can
go out there and do this shit and nobody bats an eye because they're like, oh,
he's a white
guy.
But if the black guy is going like this, it's a bad look.
Yeah.
I had a black friend growing up who sucked at basketball and it crushed him.
It crushed him.
He played really hard on D, but it was to make up for the fact that there was
no offensive
ability.
Of course.
I grew up with a dumb Asian.
He was a drug addict.
He was an idiot.
And we were all like, what are you doing?
You're Asian.
He's like, I know.
It sucks.
This whole string of, uh, stereotypes is called, uh, we're going to get
canceled.
We're going to get demonetized on YouTube.
Yeah.
No, you know, it's, uh, I knew a gay guy.
No, uh, I knew a gay guy.
I love pussy.
It was horrible.
He couldn't get, he couldn't get any dick.
His name was Matt Salakuse.
But, uh, yeah, no, it's like ripped gay dudes.
Although you go to the gym and it's like, you can hook up at the gym.
I know.
I can't hook up at the gym.
Oh no.
I see hot women at the gym and I can't like, sometimes I'll get like a hello or
something
and you're like, Hey, but you're like, I don't have it.
You know what I see?
Like sometimes a trainer at the gym I go to will be like friendly and she's hot.
Yeah.
But in my head, I'm like, but you look at me like I'm shit.
Of course.
Like it's, it's, it's like if we saw a open mic comic.
Right.
Right.
Right.
You're not dazzling anyone with that part of you.
Yeah.
Good point.
But is she like, I'm the fitness person.
So I kind of like that you're not.
Maybe.
Cause you don't want to date a open mic comic cause that's just too much comedy.
Although you've dated comics.
So have I.
So maybe that's no good.
No, it's tough.
But yeah, it's, yeah, no, you're right.
Maybe that's not what, but I just think like they're so good at that.
Yeah.
They look at me like you're a bitch.
Right.
Don't you just need like a shredded giant dude?
Yeah, that's true.
You'd think that's a tough one, but then she's probably not funny and you're
funny.
So maybe that fills a hole.
Evens out.
Yeah.
As long as the hole is being filled, I'm happy.
There we go.
Can I read you some peeves?
Cause we haven't done peeves in a while.
Oh, I got a list.
I've got a list.
All right.
All right.
So I'm at the cellar with Ryan Hamilton the other night, a good friend of ours.
Love the hammy.
And Ryan's got a brilliant new chunk about getting hit by a bus.
Amazing.
Which was really hit by a bus.
Yeah.
It's a crazy story.
It's cool to watch that type of bit kill at the cellar.
Yeah.
Cause it's a long bit that's pretty fucking depressing that he's just killing
with.
Totally.
So we're walking late at night and some woman sneaks up behind us as we're
crossing the street
and she goes, a bus is coming.
And we're like, Jesus.
And I'm like, he was actually hit by a bus.
He's got PTSD.
Was she joking?
It doesn't matter.
The damage is done.
Wow.
So what did he do?
He freaked out.
Oh my Lord.
He was just like, I mean, it was like half a second, but then she's like bowled
over laughing.
I'm like, guess what?
That's not a good joke.
Yeah.
If there's three people here and two of them don't think it's funny.
Yeah.
That's a good point.
But she's, but he's, you know, he could tell he's like, what the fuck?
Yeah.
Wow.
That's heavy.
Yeah.
But how far does it go?
If you're like, uh, Ryan's, you're at dinner with him and he's like, oh, these
plates need to come clear.
And you're like, oh, here comes a bus boy.
Ah, shit.
He's busting table.
Like, where does it end?
Well, it ends, it ends there.
I think in a restaurant, I think you're okay.
All right.
All right.
But I think on the street, you're like, this really happened to him.
He nearly was killed.
All right.
He was in the hospital for many days.
I know.
He was all fucked up.
He's still a little, I think he's still a little wonky.
That's a peeve, by the way, also is, uh, is the ha ha.
It was a joke.
Yeah.
The prank joke.
The prank joke's not really a joke.
Totally.
Like when a guy would hit you in the balls and he'd be like, ah, I gotcha.
Impractical jokers work because they're all in on it.
Right.
They're like, we know we're going to get fucked over.
Yeah.
But when you're just doing it to a stranger, you're kind of a piece of shit.
That's true.
Yeah.
And you're the only one laughing.
Yeah.
Joke's not funny.
Like our set doesn't work if we're just like, ha ha.
And they're just like, we don't, we don't get it.
You hear that Chappelle?
Quit laughing at your own jokes.
I would say it's all comics out there, but yeah, yeah, no, I agree.
She got one.
It's the same with this move.
Yeah.
You know, that whole thing or this one, you know, whatever that is.
Or this one, if it's like a hot girl, you're like, all right, she's flirting.
That's true.
I'll take it.
I take this back.
If a woman does any of these things, 