Name: Ep 121: Sam Jay w/ Gin & Soda
Uploaded: 2023-04-03T01:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 121: Sam Jay w/ Gin & Soda' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 121: Sam Jay w/ Gin & Soda' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-03. Transcript available.

Ep 121: Sam Jay w/ Gin & Soda

Hey, hey folks, here we are. We might be drunk. We're black.
I hate dumb babies.
Oh, say it again. We got Sam Jay here. We're talking thieves.
You hate what?
My pet peeve is like dumb, dumb kids.
Oh, yeah. So just kids.
No, I think there's kids who like, you look at them, and even if they're doing
kid shit, kids are going to do kid shit.
Yeah, but they got like life in their eyes and you can tell wheels are turning
and they're thinking in there.
And then there's these dead in the eyes, just like dummies.
Yeah.
And I hate when people bring me those type of kids and want me to engage with
them.
Cause I'm like, I don't, there's nothing I could do with this.
Like the kid is dead in the eyes.
There's nothing going on.
You're carrying that entire interaction.
Yeah. And I already don't really want to interact with a kid.
No.
But like at least let them be.
Will you never have kids, you don't think?
I don't think so. No.
But you're in a serious thing.
And you have been for a while.
Yeah.
But kids, it's come up or no?
I mean, yeah, but we're like lesbians.
So you have to do.
But there's ways around it.
I know, but that's what I'm saying.
You have to make so many decisions and I just don't think we're going to make
them.
That's a good point.
It's not like an oops.
That's what I mean.
It's like it's mad decisions and choices and I just don't think we're ever
going to get there.
If you did adopt, would you go different race?
Like maybe a Chinese?
I wouldn't mind.
That wouldn't bother me.
All right.
I wouldn't bother me.
I used to just joke about how I was going to adopt a Chinese baby.
Until COVID.
Because that's how lesbians show that they got money.
And people got mad at me.
Really?
That's funny.
People get mad over everything, Mark.
But who's people?
Do audiences get mad?
No, like I think people like, when I say people get mad, it's like, it's always
usually after the joke is out somewhere.
And then they're like, how dare somebody say that on a Saturday night and make
people have a good time?
It's like, all right, bro, you're watching this Tuesday.
You're coming in at the wrong time.
Yeah.
It's literally like someone opening the door during sex and being like, well, I
wouldn't fuck you.
And like, I'm not asking you to.
What's the problem?
Yeah.
But no, yeah, I would adopt another race.
I always think maybe later in my life, I might like adopt like a teenager or
something.
But then just because, you know, I was like a teen with no parents and shit
like that.
But then I think like, I don't know, teenagers is just a lie.
And I don't want to have to stab a fucking 14-year-old because they're acting
crazy in my house.
Yeah.
You want to establish the dominance at a younger age.
Because if they act up, it's like, you really got to stab them or something.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Teen comes in hot.
That's right.
You're missing this.
Part of their life.
Right.
And you're going right to this.
That's tough.
Yeah.
But the teens, no one wants them.
Once an adopted kid gets too old, it's like a dog.
That's why I would thought about doing it.
Right.
Because they're the ones who get like left the most.
And you only have to put a few years in.
You know, oh, you're 18 now.
I did my two years.
Yeah.
Good luck out in the real world, fatty.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Why are they fat?
Why are they fat?
Oh, wow.
He calls everyone fat.
Oh, okay.
I was like, dang.
That's like his old buddy, old pal.
That's his.
All right.
Okay.
Plus, the fat ones don't get adopted either.
So, you want to help them out too.
Is it like the pound?
Do you walk in and kind of point at the one?
Is it like the pound?
I don't know.
I remember I was talking to a girl once who adopted a dog and she goes, I said,
did you
adopt one?
And she goes, no, none had that it factor.
Wow.
Thank you.
That's a pretty horrible thing to say.
I don't think you're going in with the right attitude.
Well, I knew a girl, she would adopt a dog and hang out with her for a week and
go, it
doesn't feel right.
And she would bring it back.
I was like, you're killing this dog.
People did that during COVID.
That's messed up.
It's like, if you adopt it, you got to stick with it.
But that was a big COVID thing.
Yeah.
I feel like a lot of people were like, I want a pet.
And then they got back to their regular life and were like, never mind.
Yeah.
That's pretty fucked up.
Oh, yeah.
Kevin Iso did that.
Really?
Yeah.
He was bringing the dog to shows and stuff for a little while.
And then I just, I was like, what happened to the dog?
He was like, I gave it back, dog.
I was like, bro, what?
Now here's the question.
Can you do that with a kid?
I think you can actually.
Really?
It's fucked up.
But yeah, I'm pretty sure that you can.
Damn, that'll fuck a kid's head up.
Yeah.
Would you break up?
Do you say it's not you, it's me?
It's tough.
I don't think, can you bring it?
I don't think you can bring a kid back.
I think you can.
I think you can.
If you can give up your.
Different orphanage.
That's what I'm saying.
If you can give up your real kid for adoption, I'm pretty sure you can give an
adopted kid
back.
Right?
There should be a trial period.
Or your biological kid, I should say.
You take a car for a test drive.
Can I get two days with the kid?
Now you're talking.
Can I see if we vibe?
That's a good question.
I don't know.
I like that.
You're thinking about having a kid.
Yeah, give it a couple years.
You're married now, right?
Oh yeah.
That's crazy.
Crazy.
I never thought anyone would want you like that, Mark.
That's why I did it.
She was the first person to say, I would.
Are you married?
It'll never happen again.
I'm engaged.
I'm engaged.
Whoa!
Congrats.
In the lesbian relationship, who proposes to who?
I mean, I think it's different for every couple, but I happen to be the man in
my relationship,
unfortunately.
So, the shit falls on me, but I can't speak for everybody.
It's different for every situation, you know?
Did you do the one knee, the Kaepernick?
I did the one knee.
I did the whole thing.
Nice.
Yeah, I know what type of lady I'm marrying.
She wants the whole show.
I did it, too.
It feels weird.
I was nervous.
It's scary.
Even though I knew she'd probably say yes, I was still freaking out.
Oh yeah, I was pretty confident, but still, maybe not.
Exactly.
What did you do, at dinner, or where did you do it?
I did it at my birthday party, which it was like, my birthday was kind of like
to hide
the fact that it was really an engagement situation.
Wow.
That's nice.
How long have you been together?
I've been dating my fiancee off and on for 15 years.
We met in college.
Holy hell.
Damn.
So, the sex is over.
We're not doing it a lot, but when we do it, it's bomb as fuck.
All right.
That's what I'll say.
Like, we don't fuck a lot, but it's really nice when we do fuck, because it's
like, oh
yeah, your pussy is fire as fuck.
It's like, you forget, and then you're like, oh shit, no, this shit is fire.
You know what I mean?
Hell yeah.
It weirdly brings you back to each other, and you're like, oh, hell yeah.
Right.
This is why I'm into this as much as I'm into you.
Like, as a person, you got fire pussy, and I forgot about it.
Was that the proposal?
You know those Wallace that light on fire, get a ring that just blows up?
Fire pussy.
Yeah.
Damn, a fire.
A fire pussy.
Love a fire pussy, but yeah, it's great when you have that old sex again, and
it comes
back, and you're like, oh yeah, this is what we were doing 15 years ago.
And I think now we're at a place, I think before it was like, you gotta grow up,
you know?
So at some point, it was just like this contentious place where she'd be like,
why aren't you fucking
me?
And I'm like, stop making this my job.
You know what I mean?
It just becomes this weird back and forth, but now we're both at this place
where we're
like, we just want to be fucking more.
So we're both just doing things and making the effort to make sure that happens,
and that's
been working out pretty fire.
We went to the Poconos six months ago to fuck poor people, and that shit was
fire.
We got a hotel with a circle bed in the nasty ceiling, and it had the champagne
glass jacuzzi
top.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, and everything was leather.
Like, all the couches, everything was leather.
Oh, good.
And we had a pool inside the room.
Damn.
A pool?
Yeah, and like a little door you open, it had a little heart-shaped, little jacuzzi
type,
you know what I'm talking about?
Oh, sure.
And then we just fuck like nasty people.
Well, it's something about a hotel, because at your house, you get sick of
fucking there,
because it's the same routine over and over.
In a hotel, you're standing up, you're scissoring.
You gotta take the pussy to other spots.
Exactly.
I've been saying that.
That gets you really, like, when I take my girl out the country, then I'm like,
I want
to see what this pussy do in Paris.
You know what I'm saying?
You gotta travel the pussy around, though.
So true.
It's also nice to just throw a condom wrapper on the floor and be like, someone
else will
deal with it.
I don't use condoms.
My dick's plastic, baby.
Yeah, well, I'm talking about us, yeah.
No, it's nice to make a mess of a room and not...
Oh, dude, I'm jizzing on drapes.
That's crazy.
Oh, hell yeah.
That's fire.
Yeah.
I wish I could jizz.
You can't squirt?
I can't squirt, bro.
Oh, give me an hour.
An hour?
Well, jizzing's great.
That would make me depressed.
If you were the first person to make me squirt, I would have to, like, reassess
my entire existence.
Yeah, that would fuck up your psychology.
Wait, wait, wait.
Mark does it and goes, comedy.
Oh, boy.
Squirter.
Big fuck.
Did it.
Yeah, squirting.
I feel like nobody mentioned squirting until 1999, and now it's all over.
It's like eating ass.
It just came in one day.
Yeah, and it's, like, a big debate.
It's, like, now, like, I see on the Internet of Lies, like, men be, like, mad.
Like, all of it ain't squirts.
It's pee.
And now there's this argument, is it pee or is it squirt?
Yeah.
And I think the amount of women who are saying they could squirt, I think some
of them pissing.
I think so.
Because it feels like it's, like, a real skill you got to hone.
Oh, yeah.
Because, you know what I'm saying?
Because, like, as a woman, the pressure point feels the same.
You know what I'm saying?
It feels, when you feel that, even, like, if there's, like, a big dick in you
and it's, like, and you're, like, ooh, a minute, like, you feel the dick, you're,
like, I got to pee.
Even if you don't, that's when the pressure kind of makes you feel a little pee-pee-ish.
Interesting.
Interesting.
I didn't know that.
I guess it's pressing against your spleen.
Give you the same feeling when your spleen's full.
Baby, I don't know.
You've never done that?
But I believe you.
It sounds like you got the real facts.
That was so clinical, man.
Are you a gold star gay?
No.
Oh, okay.
So you dabbled with the male.
Mm-hmm.
All right.
The male, yeah.
You lost your virginity.
We did that podcast together where we talked about it.
You lost your virginity to a guy.
I was a basketball game.
Yeah.
Ooh.
Point guard?
Playoff game.
Oh, wow.
No, I was watching basketball while he was inside of me.
Big Celtics fan.
Wow.
I've seen you rolling with your Jalen Brown jersey.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's your guy.
I'm a big Celtics fan.
I like Jalen Brown a lot.
Yeah.
Damn.
Well, when you were doing it, were you like, this isn't for me?
No, I don't think I had to.
I was young, and I didn't really know what was for me.
I just knew I didn't hate boys.
When it was happening, I wasn't like, ew, oh, my God.
I feel so gross afterwards.
I was just like, yeah.
Yeah.
This is fine.
And then I had sex with, I didn't understand what people loved about sex.
I was just like, it's fine.
Right.
You know what I mean?
Like, that's where I was with it.
Like, my homegirls were like, ain't it feel so good?
When you feel it in your stomach, and in my mind, I'm like, I don't like that
part.
I don't like feeling it in my stomach.
Oh, interesting.
Or like, ew, t