Name: Ep 123: Jim Norton
Uploaded: 2023-04-17T00:59:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 123: Jim Norton' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 123: Jim Norton' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-17. Transcript available.

Ep 123: Jim Norton

hey folks here we are we might be drunk we're here we're clear we've got a fun
guest today I get Norton I hope the weather is crazy out today right yeah I
want to come in and just do bits yeah the guy I had a guy in the elevator the
other day I was with someone she goes I'm going to California and he goes you're
going now just so the weather's going nice good that's a good one stuff you
know when
it rains like oh you brought it with you I guess you brought it with you I'm
like
no I didn't drink anything I'll actually agree with them though and go with the
bit and go yeah more that's a that's a lot of peeves this we have a lot of peeves
oh
yeah a lot of annoying that you know what annoyed me recently is a purse people
that
don't put their dogs on leashes really annoying me oh there's a there's a
hallway and they're just
running through the hallway what yeah and then they're just like come here come
here and the dog
doesn't come and you're like it's a get a leash yeah yeah but then there's a
problem with the leash
guy who stretched out the leech all over the sidewalk it's a domination thing
it's one of those things
they want to show you the control they have over their animal so what happens I
hate when the elevator
opens and then they take the leash off and they let it run down the hall yes it's
like wow this
fucking beast master yeah it is kind of annoying I understand that's true yeah
it sucks now they're
having a big problem with dogs are shitting on planes because they'll have like
multiple service
dogs now oh so there's all these videos online like tick tock there's just dogs
people stepping dog
shit in the aisle of a southwest flight damn it's out of control did they stop
allowing all those like
animals on didn't they say like no no more or we're only gonna allow certain
service animals and no
comfort dogs I think you get the paperwork you're good to go oh I think anyone
can bring a dog on I
remember the whole United thing remember they were having a bad week they
dragged the person off the
plane oh and they they killed a dog that's right in the overhead yeah that's
fucking hilarious imagine
being the guy who's waiting to get off your connecting flight and there's a 13
year old holding your
fucking dead puppy and you're like I don't want to be a dickhead here but I'm
gonna fucking
get a flight in 15 minutes I guess I only have one check bag now I do kind of
like that guy though
because he's like I feel bad about the dog so I'll put it up here that's pretty
considerate I mean it's
not for the dog no it wasn't he didn't do it oh he didn't know they made him do
it no one wants to
voluntarily put their dog in the over I thought he was a nice guy no it was the
flight attendant I guess
the dog was too big for under and this is what like great owners they were they
did it was like a
two-and-a-half-hour flight and they didn't notice that the dog wasn't making
any noise oh
like for two hours they didn't check on the fucking dog for over two hours yeah
and they got a like a sad slash hilarious surprise the dog was screaming they
just
had noise canceling on the computer yeah that's that whimper hate a dog whimper
you
wouldn't think those are airtight though would you look I would think that you
could get air in there totally but maybe a bump jerked him right maybe the poor
little guy was just so frightened his heart quit hopefully yeah lost every dog
lover in
the first three minutes yeah keep off the flights god damn it yeah but my ex
had a
chihuahua and she was a great gal and she was a fun lady but that dog was a
nightmare was hell everybody hated the dog we didn't have the heart to tell her
it
got brain cancer eventually we all had a party sure I thought you're gonna go
the
other way with that we were like oh that but the dog was all right no joke
great gal yeah the dog
was fun but uh she uh she would drug it with Benadryl to get it on a flight
because it was just so
yappy and it was the best it was the best dog when it was on Benadryl sure but
otherwise it was
hell I imagine the brain cancer mellowed it you don't typically see more hyperactivity
of the
fucking lump in the head poor little guy how long did he last after they got
the terrible prognosis
very a couple months but he would do a thing where he was shitting diarrhea his
whole body was all
fucked up but he was shit next to the pee pad like he used to shit on it and
then he was shit next to
it because the brain cancer and I just made you wanted to go come on die
already yeah yeah that's
that's almost like an angry thing by the dog like he knows the pee yeah is
there and he's like I'm
gonna shit on the rug anyway to tell you something's wrong exactly exactly cats
would do that I had a
cat years ago I had three roommates in Brooklyn and uh I was on the road every
weekend so I couldn't
I could every time I would leave the cat would just be like like meow meow and
I'd be like I gotta work
right and then at a certain point you're just like all right well I gotta get
rid of it every time I
leave the cat would just piss on someone else's shit yeah so now I'm getting
home and they're like
your cat peed on my back and I have to be like all right how much was the bag
oh at a certain point
I was like I gotta get rid of the cat oh it was your cat yeah oh it was my
friend's sister is Dan
Hall who bartends at the cellar it was his sister's cat and she asked me to
watch the cat for a week
and I was like all right yeah I could watch a cat for a week and then she just
moved so I'm just stuck
with a cat damn yeah but then the cat was pretty cool until this shit happened
right I had two I never
had pets I had cats growing up and I'm so stupid I was five when I got a Manx
cat with the tail oh yeah
and I named him Susan because I didn't know it was a guy so I I named you
always were trans
I know yeah believe me I've made these mistakes many times I named him uh Susan
they're like oh it's a
boy so I called him John and then the other cat was uh I named William we found
her outside but it was a
female twice I made the mistake of naming them opposite gender names they're
both dead now um it's
the only animals I've ever had yeah yeah but you I have a cat now named Greg so
I'm continuing the the
human name isn't it weird like a weird I don't know why I was a kid though when
you're a kid you don't
know how to fucking name things of course not so that makes sense but I'll tell
you this I have a cat and
people come over they go I don't know how you do it the litter box the
scratching but they have kids
and I'm like you have fucked up kids yeah you know fall off the stairs or cry
or shit themselves
like you're gonna give me shit when you got a kid yeah at least I can back over
this thing in the
driveway when it annoys me you have to tolerate it until it goes to college it's
also weird to say you
know like Susan has cancer and you're like oh my god you're like it's it's my
cat it's the cat
that's true that's all right let me just say cookie has cancer like cookies
yeah magic johnson's upset
but even you're like uh susan's shit on my bed you're like what's up with this
girlfriend of yours
susan's an amazing name for a cat isn't it an awful yeah it is an adult but it's
such a plain
shit name that a boy would want to call his cat susan i don't know why i was a
little
fucking fruit well you grew up in new jersey huh the suburbs yeah yeah i was it
was all teenage angst you
know that's your melodrama of the you know you're cutting yourself like the
devil you know i was like
an emo douche before it was popular i remember i was on the uh the road once
and uh no actually i
wasn't this wasn't even there i was like it must have been like a family thing
i was in a hotel room
with my brother i was very young i remember watching i think it was monster
rain your special oh it was
just on tv and my brother didn't know who you were so his intro to you was the
fucking monster rain
bit and i hope you and your brother made eye contact alone in the bedroom i
realized things should
happen but it's like when you like don't know what to expect he turned to me he's
like this guy's
really funny hey all right monster rain yeah i still i saw that porch whenever
i'm in do the
stress factory i go back to that apartment complex because i always think
something else happened
there because i'm so up i'm like something else happened but i still look at
that porch that we
used to crawl under it's now made of wood i think it used to be metal and then
there's a
basement window under it and i kind of vaguely remember being in that basement
and i'm like
it's probably not good whatever it was right right wow was it was it uh did you
you were
probably dying to get out and to get to the city um you know how it is man i
lived with my parents
till i was 30. whoa i used to get hookers and i would park in my parents
driveway and put up the sun
thing that blocks the sun oh yeah and i would get blown in the driveway uh i
would back into the uh the
thing so i couldn't take them in the house yeah of course so yeah i liked
living at home but it was time
to move i moved them with florentine and uh wow i think it was 90. is this when
he had long hair
i i don't know if he was still jamming jim he used to be jamming jim yeah howard
stern named him jam
and jim the rock and roll comedian oh so when i met him he was jamming jim and
i hated him
i was like who is this ass he had on like snake skin boots but he wound up
getting me my first paid
gig in in 1991 so jim has been there since like day one i love it he's the
first comic i ever did a
weekend with and he was awesome isn't he great he's such a great guy yeah no
one's ever bad mouth
florentine like no one thinks florentine's a dick no no no and he gets laid
quite apparently women find
him attractive which i find surprising yeah i know i knew him in his heyday he
used to make us like he
would walk by a woman and he would go tell me if she gives me a cheek peak and
he wasn't being ironic
he wanted to see if the girl looked at his ass and if she looked at his ass he
knew she was interested
and i watched it many times it would work i mean florentine had great numbers
oh yeah he was banging
robin quivers for a while uh yes he did date her i don't know how long that's
insane i mean that's
like a high profile black lady yes well done yeah i don't know how long it
lasted or or exactly what
broke it up i don't think i ever asked jim about robin i probably should have
yeah and i know she's a
size queen so really he's doing all right he's big balls flowers here's big
ball like he's he's all
ball he used to like showing his scrotum off to people his dick he called it a
baby hippity hop
because the balls were big and the dick was like fine okay it was all ball ari's
like that too he's
all ball having huge balls is not doing your dick any favors it's like having
huge quads yeah but you get
the package in the pants because the balls help the bulge so that's a decent at
least you get them in
the door so if it's like an anthony wiener underwear pick it's exactly yeah
yeah yeah bring your own
infant of course he didn't even have a great bulge wiener's uh i've seen his
dick uh that actually got
decent dick it was fine i mean it was like dumb brett farve's dick when he he
aims it was the worst dick
picture ever brett farve aimed his dick down towards his fucking shoes yeah uh
he was wearing like those
those beach shoes yeah that was like such a bad dick was that when he sent to jen
sturger was that
who it was i believe so yeah and he isn't pretty thick i thought it was wide i
found it to be
remarkably unimpressive for a future hall of famer damn yeah okay i don't know
if it's out there but
i've seen the dick pic and it was just he was like holding it to make it like
tilting it at a weird
angle and i was like that's a bad pic man oh no well he's older so he's not he's
not hip to the dick pic
world yeah he's in a lot of trouble isn't he didn't he do some shit and well he