Name: Ep 131: Chris DiStefano with Tequila
Uploaded: 2023-06-12T01:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 131: Chris DiStefano with Tequila' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 131: Chris DiStefano with Tequila' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-12. Transcript available.

Ep 131: Chris DiStefano with Tequila

We got into a huge fight because she ate my ass, and I came so quick.
Okay.
Yeah, this is gold.
Yeah.
This is gold.
We're rolling.
Oh, we're rolling?
No.
Where the hell's the bartender?
Yeah, where is he?
We don't need him.
We don't need him.
I need a drink.
All right, Sam needs a drink.
I like this new studio, man.
That's all you need.
It's good to see you, man.
And this is a shared space, right?
So it's not even that fucking expensive.
No, this is all ours.
No, no, but I'm saying outside is the whole floor.
Yeah, exactly.
All your garbage has a fucking compound.
I know.
I know, compound media.
But it's good, yeah.
They're huge.
Talking about Foley.
He's a big smoker.
Oh, yeah.
Dude, last time I saw you was in the Knick game.
Oh, I know.
That was fucking brutal, dude.
Brutal.
I was on the street last night after the loss, and I'm wearing a Knick sweatshirt,
and some
guy goes, I'm in my mood.
It's just like, let me just eat away the pain.
And some guy walks up to me, he goes, hey, Sam, why don't you take that sweatshirt
off after
that game?
And I just, I ignore him because I'm in a bad mood.
And he says again, hey, Sam.
I said, I go, I heard you.
Yeah.
I go, I fucking heard you.
And he just goes, okay.
And walked away.
That's the one tough thing about celebrities.
I'm not a celebrity, but he knew your name.
No, but you are to people.
He knew you.
So he goes, hey, good job or great set, Sam.
That's nice.
But hey, Sam.
Yeah.
Your Knicks suck.
I'll match your energy.
There you go.
If you say good set, I'll say thanks.
Right.
What, are you doing a protein shake?
Yeah.
Is that stupid?
I mean, it's a drinking podcast.
What I'm saying-
You look great though, by the way.
I can only, because I got to cut my eating hours stop in about 40 minutes here.
So I just got to get in the last-
We'll get you some calories.
Are you intermittent?
Yeah.
Ooh.
Changed my whole life.
I do it too.
Literally.
Do you really?
Well, I do it on accident.
I was going to say, what I've learned is, and I bet Sam does it on accident,
the people
who have always maintained, he can use some fasting, the people who can always,
the people
who always had good builds, like you and Sam, always naturally did it.
I realized I have to force myself to do it or I'm not going to stay in line.
So now I pretty much eat 10 a.m. to 6, sometimes 11 to 5, depending on the
hours.
And yeah, dude, it changed my whole fucking life.
What do you mean, so before it was just, you would snack before bed, you mean?
Before I would just, I had no rules.
I would just eat like, you know, my daughter would, you know, my kids be eating,
it'd be
seven o'clock, I'd be eating a little bit of their pasta, a little bit of their
desserts.
Like, oh, I'm not eating that much, but it doesn't matter.
Your body's metabolism is kicking in and you're breaking out of your fasting,
even if you have
anything over 30 calories.
So I was never in a state of calorie deficit and my body was never burning.
My body was never burning its fat.
Right.
It was always like, you know, so now I do.
Now I go-
I don't even know what he's making this over here.
16 to 18 hours with no eating.
Are you down for Manhattan or no?
Sure, I can do a Manhattan.
How about you?
You can't make that.
Whatever's easiest to make.
He can't make a Manhattan.
Are you really making it for us?
He's been a gin and tonic once.
So yeah, I can do it.
Really?
Yeah.
Your wife drinks Manhattans?
Yeah, it's her drink.
What?
Who's your wife?
Humphrey Bogart?
You kind of look like Philip Seymour Hoffman in a way, in a little way.
A good-looking Seymour Hoffman.
Yeah.
But it's his career that's dead.
Oh, nice.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, you look like Hoffman now.
He was the best.
He really was.
I mean, honestly, I was watching the other night Along Came Polly.
He's so funny.
He was so funny.
The basketball scene.
Such a good comedic.
Baldwin, too.
The second scene of the movie when he walks in and slips on the floor is
fucking hilarious.
So funny.
Yeah.
Raindrop.
I mean, some of the terms that we use, like sharding, that's from that movie.
No.
The first time you ever heard the term sharding, Philip Seymour Hoffman in
Along Came Polly.
It is.
Are you pulling?
Oh, look at that.
You've never heard it before.
Oh, that was.
Raindrop.
That's in Manhattan, right?
Isn't that by The Cellar?
Is that the one in the West Village?
No.
No.
Is it?
I thought.
I could be wrong.
Sasquatch.
Oh, I got a peeve for you basketball related.
I was playing on the road and this dude was shirtless, which I was just like,
he just takes
his shirt off mid-game and I'm like, I got to guard the shirtless guy now?
And it's wet and slippery.
That's a tactic.
Wet men.
It is.
That's a peeve.
Wet men.
Tiki Barber told me that a tactic for some of the players in the NFL when he
was playing
was to not shower and to smell like absolute shit because he said you had a lot
of people
who like they would smell so bad or not brush their teeth or just be disgusting
that you
would kind of think twice about having that guy roll on you or like taking it
to him.
So he was like, that was like a tactic for people to be not hygienic.
I was like, wow.
That makes sense.
Then he told me a funny story once about the Cleveland Browns, about how they
played the
Browns on like one of those like Saturday early afternoon games, like towards
the end
of the, you know, towards the playoffs, towards the end of the regular season.
And they played the Cleveland Browns and, you know, they beat the shit out of
them.
And then they weren't going home that night, the Giants.
They were going to wait and go home the next morning.
So they decided to go out to a nightclub in Cleveland and they're the Giants.
So they all were just like walking in and he said Tiki Barber was walking in
and forgot
some other player was walking in and they noticed.
And he fumbled his ID.
Yeah, I know.
No, that and they noticed that Cleveland Browns, members of the Cleveland Browns
football
team waiting online to get into the club.
The people at their own, in their own city's nightclub wouldn't let them in
because they
didn't know that.
And they're like, do you guys want to just come in with us?
And he's like, we walked in the home team into their own nightclub.
Oh my God.
And then the guys were just saying, he was like, how much it sucks to play for
that team.
Wow.
They get no respect.
They had that QB Bernie Kosar in the 80s and the guy just got the shit kicked
out of him.
And his dad stole all his money.
Yes.
Yeah, yeah.
He was on like the famous broke.
Broke, yeah.
Yeah, but he would cut like eight concussions or something and the fans are
just booing him
like, this dude's dying.
Well, that's how his dad started stealing his money because he was so concussed
and fucked up
that his dad was just like, this guy's like, my son's a retard now.
So I'm just going to take his money and it sucks.
That's the worst father ever.
Kind of hilarious.
That guy was definitely a good time.
He gets another hit.
He's like, that's another 10 grand right there for me.
Yeah, right there.
Didn't Jordan's dad die?
Yeah.
Gambling related, right?
He got killed.
The Russians killed him, I think.
I don't know who killed him.
I don't know if they ever proved it, but it's possible.
He was like pulled off the side of the road.
The conspiracy theory that I don't know if it's true is that, it's that they
asked him
to take a break from basketball because it was getting bad press.
And that's why he did the baseball thing for a year and a half.
Oh, is that why?
The baseball was worse than the dad done.
But the thing is, it makes no sense to me, that conspiracy theory, because he's
the biggest
star in the league.
Yeah, he could play.
You'd want him to play.
Yeah.
They were going to suspend him for gambling.
Right.
And then he said...
Are you mic'd up, by the way?
Oh, shit.
Oh, man.
They were going to suspend him for gambling.
And they said, that's too bad for the sport, so why don't you just take a year
off and say
you're retiring and you come back in a year.
And then his son died as well.
Jordan.
Oh, I don't know.
Did he?
You're thinking of Cosby.
Both sides of the road shootings, though.
Both sides of the road shootings.
Sorry.
Cosby's son was killed?
Yeah, just randomly, side of the road.
He was changing a tire.
Boom.
Interesting.
Crazy.
Maybe it was, you know, one of the victims getting a little revenge.
Now you go to sleep.
What are you doing with the Guinness?
This is a starter because I don't have ginger ale for the Manhattan.
You don't put ginger ale on Manhattans.
What is this?
The 1940s?
I'm telling you, man.
No, this is not how you make a Manhattan.
It's sweet vermouth, bourbon, and bitters.
That's all it is.
Okay, I'll make it.
Oh, this is bad.
Now I really don't trust this.
No, no.
He said pick-me-up.
Where's the...
Pick-me-up.
Where's the other ball?
A quarter beer?
He's late.
What the hell are we doing?
No, the girl.
Oh.
What was her name?
She's nursing.
Oh, she has.
She had a full baby.
Oh, yeah.
Who did?
And she's already back.
Who?
What's her face?
The girl.
Jamie.
Jamie.
Oh, yeah.
Couldn't think of her name.
Sorry.
The girl.
She's very hot.
Remember when pro wrestling there was a side character that would come out?
Her name was Woman.
That's all they could come up with is a name.
They're like, you're a woman.
We should do that with the trans athletes.
Hey, woman.
I saw a hot trans walking over here.
Did you?
8th Avenue was fucking ripe with them.
Was she holding hands with Jim Norton?
Bro.
It is fucking...
Norton's new material about his trans girlfriend is so funny.
He's amazing, Jim.
Yeah.
Good comic.
There's a lot of...
What, on 8th Avenue?
Tons.
Really?
Yeah.
There's a lot of homeless out there today.
Oh, it's crazy.
Well, the sun's coming out, so they're out.
This is a nice building, though.
This is really nice.
You like it?
How long have you guys been here?
Not that long.
Not a year.
I think it's good here.
It's great.
We love it.
We're parked.
We're staying.
We're staying, baby.
Did you see the trans poker player one?
No.
Some guy said, I'm going to identify as a woman, and he went to the women's
poker and won the
whole tournament.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Because women can't have a good poker face.
They can't hold anything in.
That's true.
Write that down.
That's a bit.
That's true, but poker should be even.
It should be men and women, because there's no physical.
Right.
But yet, the guy still won.
So he identified as a woman to enter.
Damn.
Slippery slope.
Damn.
This is how they get you.
I think a guy did that with weightlifting as well.
A guy identified as a woman and won the weightlifting.
Really?
For women's.
Yeah, sorry.
I jerk off to this stuff at home.
That's fun.
So wait, yeah.
How was Sicily?
Amazing.
You went with the lady.
Yeah, Sicily was good.
I'm half Sicilian.
Are we on?
We're good.
Yeah, we're rolling.
Oh, we've been rolling.
Yeah.
Oh, we're cooking, baby.
Jesus, is this that bad an episode?
Oh, good.
Oh, you're using this?
Yeah.
Yeah, this is the show, actually.
No, Sicily was great.
White Lotus was there.
That's where I stayed, in the San Domenico Palace.
The same resort.
Is it really fancy?
It was really nice, but it was one of those.
With the kids as well, or just the lady?
No, just Jazz and I.
And we had a good time.
I learned something.
I was asking the Italian guys.
Whoa, that guy's tall.
The Beard Jew.
There it is, baby.
What was your Beard Jew train late?
I got stuck behind a motorcade on the express bus.
Uh, Biden's in town.
Is he mic'd up?
Is Biden in town?
No, I think he died.
Nice, buddy.
Um, I, uh, and what he said was, this Italian baggage handler guy, I was asking
him questions.
He's like, what do you see?
Like, like, what is anything you learned from seeing all these people come in
and out?
He goes, the people with the most luggage have the worst time.
He goes, I think the more luggage people bring, and it's usually Americans,
always complain,
always get into a fight with their wife and kids, al