Name: Ep 135: Greg Warren
Uploaded: 2023-07-10T01:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 135: Greg Warren' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 135: Greg Warren' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-10. Transcript available.

Ep 135: Greg Warren

Hey folks, we might be drunk. Here we are. A little snafu. Sam is aged and
became a non-Jew.
You got goyd. Half. Oh, you're a half? Whoa. It's the wrong half.
All right. Well, is it dad? Dad's Jewish. They don't count that, man.
They don't count it. I'm just as Jewish as you are to them.
All right. Damn. Sorry. I like a little bit. Did you have to do the bar mitzvah
and all that?
Damn. I went to my cousins.
Okay. Because you couldn't be more Gentile.
You think so?
I mean, Midwest, honky, wrestler, cauliflower ear, happy, fun-loving, cool guy.
Yeah, you're a goy.
Okay. All right.
But, you know, you got your St. Louis shit on. Yeah, yeah, man. Yeah.
You got to represent. We got Jews in St. Louis.
Oh, you do?
Yeah, not a lot. But there's a district, you know.
Oh, yeah. The Jew area.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm from New Orleans. We got just a tiny little sect.
And it's like this beautiful neighborhood.
And they have a beautiful school.
And everybody wants to get in.
Same with St. Louis. It's nice.
Yeah.
They're killing it, those Jews.
Yeah.
They really do.
It fucks up the whole minority argument.
Because it's like, we were marginalized and kicked out and oppressed.
And here we are, killing it.
Yeah.
And that's why everybody hates them.
I don't know if the Orthodox really...
They're not helping the cause.
Yeah, that's when I lived here was when I had the first interaction with the
Orthodox Jews.
And it was interesting.
I think my favorite thing was I was walking in Brooklyn one time.
And they were in the...
What's the...
Whatever they wear.
Yeah, like the black.
The black.
Yeah, the suits.
Yeah, there they are.
Three of those guys.
And they were playing basketball.
What?
Yeah.
Yeah, in this park in Brooklyn.
And they sucked.
Not a lot of dunking going on.
Yeah, yeah.
There was no dunking.
It was the first time in my...
I'm terrible at basketball.
It was the first time I was like, I could take these guys.
Yeah, yeah.
Damn.
Did you have to help them shoot because it was Saturday?
Yeah.
You had to like throw the ball for them?
I can't touch the ball.
Yeah, my first interaction with Orthodox was here as well.
I lived in Brooklyn in Crown Heights, which is a Jewish neighborhood.
And I'd get drunk and come home at like four in the morning.
And they'd be driving around in minivans doing who knows what.
And they would go, you're on the wrong side.
You get in the van.
They thought I was Jewish.
Really?
And I'd go, I'm not Jewish.
And they would slide that door closed and peel out of there.
Yeah, that was ugly over there.
Look at that.
There they go.
See how much fun that is, man?
They were having a good time.
They're all dressed the same, though.
That would annoy me.
You want to have a little bit of your own individuality.
I bet you there's a flare of something, like a cufflink or something.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Maybe like a Yankees yarmulke or something.
Make it your own.
A shoelace of some sort or a, you know.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm not seeing it, but I bet you there's something.
It was also fun, too, because my landlord was Jewish.
Are you guys sitting down?
Landlord was Jewish.
But he couldn't talk to my girlfriend at the time, because they're not allowed
to talk
to strange women.
Yeah.
And so he'd come into my house, because I was like, oh, the pipe's burst.
And he'd be like, okay.
It's funny seeing an Orthodox guy with a tool belt, first of all.
And he would come in, and she'd be like, yeah, it's the one.
And he's like, oh!
And I was like, that's pretty good.
So I started doing it to her.
So I would come home the next day, and she's like, you didn't answer my, oh!
Women, women!
She hated it.
But we had a good time.
I had the same, like, when I lived down in the Lower East Side, my neighbors
were Muslim,
you know?
Yeah.
And Muslim women are not supposed to make eye contact with unfamiliar men.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
So we would pass in the hallway, and she wouldn't look at me.
But I mean, you know, like, she really wouldn't look at me.
Like, she gave it a little bit.
I think it was her way of saying, hey, even if I wasn't Muslim.
You still have no chance.
Damn, that sucks, because all they have is the eyes, right?
I mean, she had a burka on, I assume.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So there's nowhere else to look.
I think I saw, I think I saw maybe more than I should have.
Oh, really?
Like, nothing, you know.
Like a hair wisp?
Yeah, I think I saw at some point.
Because, you know, you live in the same neighborhood.
There's going to be, everybody has a bad day.
Sure, sure.
Well, they must, you guys can relate on the bombing.
All right.
But!
Oh, wait a minute.
I think that was, like, they bomb.
You stand up bomb.
And I stand up bomb.
Yeah, that was, I was, I was slow on the, yeah.
That was a bomb.
Yeah, man.
Well, I bombed plenty when I was living here, yeah.
Yeah, we all did.
Yeah.
But, yeah, yeah, the Muslim thing, that's tough, you know?
You can't, I think there must be some fantasy.
Like, you're this cracker coming through the hallway, and she's, it's so
forbidden that she
must want to go down on you.
Man, man, I gotta tell you, like, I didn't pick up on any fantasy.
Okay.
From her, like, yeah, yeah, it was quite the opposite.
Ah, all right.
Yeah, I mean, yeah, I don't think there was that going on.
Oh, okay.
I'd like to believe that now.
Yeah, maybe I'm projecting, because I thought it.
About them.
And there's porn.
There's Muslim porn with these women, and they'll, like, take their burka off
and start blowing a bunch of dudes.
What?
Oh, it's hot, but I think they're banned from their country now.
Are they actors?
Well, they're porn actors.
But, I mean, are they real Muslim women?
Well, they're Middle Eastern, but I don't know if they're actually Muslim.
I'd probably not, but the Muslim, you know, empire, what do you call it,
president?
I think that's it.
They hate it.
Yeah, what do you call it?
I can imagine.
The Shah?
No.
The Shah is...
Persian?
Imam.
Imam?
Imam, yeah.
Imam.
Imam, they're the religious leaders, like priests or whatever.
Okay, they don't like it.
They don't like the porn.
I would say most of them.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Don't care for it.
I don't think they care for the gays, either.
No.
They have a penalty for homosexuality in Afghanistan, where they push a wall on
you.
What?
A giant wall on you.
And if you survive, you can continue to live.
But if you die, you die.
Wait a minute.
The punishment for homosexuality, they take a wall.
Straight up wall.
Just a wall like this.
It's a brick wall, and they push it on you.
It's brick, though.
Oh, no.
It's cinder block.
Whoa.
Wow.
Can I do my act in front of it?
I'm used to being by brick walls.
Yeah.
Wow.
Smush in a wall.
Yeah.
Wow.
What is that going to do?
If he survives, he's still gay.
It's a horrible...
I don't think so, man.
You think it pushes it out of you?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think it's...
Yeah.
Damn.
Not outwardly, I would say.
And look, we have conversion therapy here, which is obviously crazy, but it ain't
no wall.
We're doing better.
We're progressive.
Yeah, yeah.
Walls don't work.
Oh, tell that to China.
Great wall.
Big wall there.
Big wall.
Great wall.
I wonder if they got shit for building that wall.
You know, people are like, this fucking president.
He's a racist.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
He's building walls.
Were they keeping any...
I'm sure...
Was it the Mongols or something they were keeping out?
Yeah.
That was their Mexicans.
Also, apparently, it's built without any right angles.
If you notice, it's wavy like this.
Because spirits can pass through right-angle walls, but they can't pass through
a wall like
this.
Oh, that's convenient.
Wow.
What asshole came up with that?
You know, he's like, now we got to curve the wall because you're dumb ideology.
Yeah, can you think of the bricklayers that we're dealing with?
Oh, my God.
Have you been to the wall?
The great wall?
No.
I've been to the gay thing, but...
I forgot you went there on spring break.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's fun.
Yeah, no, they put me in front of it.
Do you think they call the wall the grinder?
Oh.
All right.
Sorry.
But I've been to the great wall in China, and it's fucking amazing.
It's like, it's incredible they built it that big back then.
Just guys putting stones.
No machinery, no bobcat, no bulldoze, just hand-on-hand action.
Insane.
And you can see it from outer space?
Is that true, or is that a thing?
I think that's true.
Yeah?
Or is that an old Mandela?
I think I've seen both sides of that, where it's like, it's true, and then I
was like,
yeah, you really can't.
Oh, wait a minute.
Yeah.
False here.
Oh, shit.
There it is.
There it is.
There it is.
I walked on that.
You...
Uh-oh.
Here we go.
Mythbusters coming at you.
The great wall of China is not visible to the...
Oh!
Man, those jerks ruined a lot of fun, didn't they?
They really did.
Yeah.
Those Mythbusters.
Damn.
Pop rocks and soda won't kill you, apparently.
Okay.
So...
Hey, man.
Hey, there we go.
We've been replaced by the Gentile.
Is that really?
No, I bet you guys can switch and swap.
Switch and swap.
There we go.
Good to see you.
Hey, all right.
Oh, yeah, I really picked the wrong shirt to come in a cranky mood today.
This is the wrong shirt to have a meltdown in on the subway.
It wouldn't move.
Mark has a subway story from today as well.
Oh, the train just wouldn't move.
I was stuck for...
You know I'm never late.
I'm usually like 15 early.
I like to...
Punctuality is important to me.
Was it the A?
It was the...
Or the C?
Or the N.
Oh, interesting.
Okay, I saw...
What happened to you?
I saw...
I was on the C and a guy had a knife and the cops were like, put it down, put
it down.
So I jumped on the A.
Damn, that really pisses me.
He took all my thunder.
No, no.
I came into the mood.
He has got a better story.
No, tell your little subway story.
Yeah.
Was there a knife?
Was there a knife?
Well, there we were.
Sitting there.
We weren't moving at all.
No, that's crazy.
A knife?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, it wasn't that crazy because the cops were terrified.
They had hands on the guns, but the guy goes, just take it.
Take the knife.
And he just dropped it.
Were there any Marines on board?
No, no.
Too soon.
Too soon.
I liked it.
All right.
Do we have a bartender today?
No.
What would you like?
I need something after that 15 minutes of waiting.
Get the man a bodega and soda.
I'll do something.
Dude, by the way, the special is amazing.
Oh, thanks, man.
You're such a great comic.
Watch Greg Warren's new special.
It's our second Nate Land produced special.
Oh, yeah.
Was Mike in here?
Yeah.
Mike's was so good, man.
So good.
I loved it.
I watched it when they premiered it.
It was so great.
Dude, so many just good.
It's just so tight.
You're special.
Oh, thanks, buddy.
Thanks.
I really appreciate you watching it, man.
Thanks.
It's so good.
And also, Freddy DeMarco is a dude.
Oh, yeah, man.
That's so cool.
He has a story about a guy, Freddy DeMarco, who I met in Missouri.
Oh, weird.
He took me to a Mizzou game.
Yeah, this goes way back.
Because Sam, I think it was like early in your career.
Yeah.
And you were like, hey, man, I'm doing Conan.
And I really don't have any clubs to go.
I want to promote a club.
And I just, I'm real close to that club.
Yeah.
So I called him.
And I was like, hey, get Sam.
And they were like, yeah, yeah.
They knew who you were.
They were like, yeah, yeah.
So Sam goes there and he calls me.
He's like, is there anything I should do when I'm in a college town?
I'm like, well, have you ever been to a college football game?
Like a big college?
And he's like, no.
So Freddy's this guy that used to own the club.
And he took Sam to his character, man.
Hell, yeah.
Character, Italian guy that lives in the middle of Missouri and stuff.
Hey, Craig, what are you doing, man?
You're busting my boy.
He loves Sam, too, man.
We're fine.
He's a great guy.
He knew exactly.
I was like, hey, this guy, Sam.
I know that guy, man.
He's real funny, man.
He's real dark, man.
But I love this kid, man.
Yeah, tell him I'll take him to a game, man.
Hell, yeah.
