Name: Ep 143: Matteo Lane Got Married?!
Uploaded: 2023-09-04T01:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 143: Matteo Lane Got Married?!' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 143: Matteo Lane Got Married?!' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-04. Transcript available.

Ep 143: Matteo Lane Got Married?!

*music*
Let's just, now we have to generically talk shit, because we're on the air.
Now we're just gonna sub in names.
I'm excited Matt's coming, I wanna say hi to him.
Oh yeah, just tell him to come in when he gets here.
I think he's coming later, I think there's a gap.
Jesus, you're looking, this does not look like a dude who just, I guess just
got married, that makes sense.
Yeah, you look beefy man, the arms are poppin'.
Thank you.
Looking good.
Thanks.
I mean this is like, how many days a week in the gym?
Five.
Oh damn.
And what, and do you cut out any types of food, or you'd like-
Well this past week I've been eating like shit, but-
But Italy shit.
Italy food is no processed, no chemicals, I feel like it's real food.
Yeah, Italy I was good at, Italy I did really well at, but generally speaking,
I mean it was kinda just like chicken and rice and yogurt and-
Chicken and rice is good isn't it?
This sounds great, this is the best I've ever eaten.
It's not great, I mean it's not like pizza and poppin'.
Doesn't that piss you off when, when The Rock shows his cheat meal and it's
like the healthiest meal I've had all week?
It's just like a cup of yogurt with one strawberry.
Yeah.
Well it's like sushi was his, I'm like, sushi is healthy.
I thought that was healthy.
It's fish.
I don't know, there might be a lot of, I don't know if it's healthy.
Not only it's like, I don't know anything about sushi to tell you, I can't eat
sushi so.
Well, rice has no gluten, fun fact.
Really?
So I'm not good with the gluten, I eat it, but I'm not great with it, but I'm
rice all day.
I love rice, but bread.
Have we just started out on a really boring, like, is my, is my, is my, is my
workhouse bringing this podcast to a screeching halt?
I brought it down.
No, I was just, no, that was my fault, that was my fault.
It's not true.
I know when you said gluten, I was like, fuck, we better move this studio to
Los Angeles, I guess.
I just saw sodium.
No, I'm sorry.
I just saw panic in Sam's eye, I was like, I should probably.
Hold on, guys, everybody, keto, what do you think?
Oh, yeah.
No.
Gotta get your greens.
You're married.
Isn't that crazy?
Oh, yeah, I got a text from Rosebud, like, two days before, I was like, I heard
no fanfare.
I know.
No pomp, no jerk.
First of all, fuck you for doing a Friday afternoon wedding when all your
friends are comedians.
We had to, we had to, because we did it at City Hall, which, by the way, is,
like, getting married at Six Flags, and they-
How is it like Six Flags?
I mean, they, like, you go in a line, you, like, rush you in, there's, like,
photographers running around trying to get your pictures in front of this, like,
fake, sort of, like, Capitol building-looking thing.
There's an old deranged man dancing.
Yeah, everyone's ugly, they have funnel cake, you know.
Is that some of the rice from your, uh, chicken you ate earlier?
Yeah.
And we're trying to act with seeds to get, catch more birds for more protein.
You need more pigeons out there.
We're dressed like a gay couple from, like, 19, like, we own, like, a gay porn
shop in 1976.
We're dressed completely ridiculous, but, you know, there we are.
There we are.
Damn.
You guys look like the serial killers in a David Lynch movie.
That's what we were going for.
This is crazy.
Aren't we cute?
Very cute.
I know.
We look ridiculous.
Yeah, I was wearing, like, Austin Power Boot.
My friend Taylor Aurier dressed us, and he was like, "Ah, I love these boots,
and I don't know how you're gonna feel about them."
And I was like, "Are they Austin Power Boots?"
He's like, "If they're too silly, we don't have to do it."
And I was like, "No, no, no, I'll do it, I'll do it."
Go all in.
So it was nobody but you guys?
No, we had, like, some people.
We had, like, a small group of people come, and we had to get, like, a witness
and stuff.
And, of course, like, we need, like, a witness and someone to sign an affidated,
and I was like, "Who is the most professional person I know?"
I said, "Liz, you're my witness."
She's like, "Got it."
And Liz was so, Liz, we walked in, she had everything in a folder, and they're
like, "We need your ID. Here's your IDs."
Like, "We need your certificate. Here's our certificate, you know, shit."
She's the best.
Witness is, murder and weddings have similarities.
Like, witness, you only hear, like, a murder or a wedding.
Pronounce, pronounce dead, pronounce husband and husband.
Life sentence after the murder.
Life sentence.
Catholics.
Yeah.
You know, it's funny, when we got married, we'd get married by, like, I don't
know, some sort of judge, some lady from the Bronx.
And you could see her, 'cause she's just doing this all fucking day.
So you could see her struggling, like, "Do you take him to be your love for the
husband?"
And so when we set our ID, our ID, she goes, "You may now kiss the husband."
And then she literally goes, folds her things and goes, "Have a nice weekend."
It's like a Vegas wedding in New York, basically.
Yeah, but Vegas, at least if you're married by Elvis, there's some kind of, you
know, but this was just like being married at an H&R block.
Yeah, it's like a DMV of marriage.
Literally.
Worse.
It was like a Starbucks or something like, or caribou coffee.
Who's drinking caribou coffee?
It sucks.
I mean, look, if you're in an airport, sometimes you have no choice, but it's
not my first, it's not my go-to.
Let's give you a scolding hot latte with eight-tenths of milk.
Yeah, it's all milk.
Gross.
But anyways, the wedding itself was great, and then Liz had a reception for us
at the cellar, and Johnny, one of the waiters, he made me this giant wedding
cake.
For us.
It was unbelievable.
So I have a bunch of thank you cards.
But we have some gifts for you too.
You got that right.
Can I open them now?
Open them on air.
Sure.
And we got a card for you as well.
And we totally got this for you.
It wasn't our podcast producer who did it while we went to town.
And we wrapped them.
There was us.
Open up the card.
Okay, Mr. and Mr. I got a tattoo.
Oh, I thought you were high-fiving me.
I can high-five.
That is a cool tat.
Is it?
I got it in Rome, and it was pretty uncomfortable.
Okay, so here's to your day, your life, and your love.
Here's to the two of you.
Congratulations.
Love, Samuel, Mark Norman.
I wrote that.
There you go.
All right, I'll start with this one first.
And people kept saying it, like Schultz was like, do you have a registry?
I was like, I have no more space in my apartment.
Yeah.
Do not send a New Yorker any gift.
New Yorkers are the only people who are annoyed by gifts.
Yes.
My mom will get me books, and I'm like, what are you trying to drown me?
I know.
I am so happy you sent this to me.
I genuinely, I'm not making this up.
I literally was like, I need to go.
Yeah.
Because I shaved my legs.
Oh, great.
And I haven't shaved them in a while.
This is great.
This was laying around the studio.
No, I'm just kidding.
No, I mean, even if it was, it's great.
Look, I love how they circle the parts of your body where you can shave it.
Yeah.
Like it's some sort of CIA.
All right, that's.
Well, hold that up for the cameras there.
Yeah, you got to show your uncle's body.
There we go.
Thank you, Nana.
He's shaving trim.
Oh my God, that's sweet.
All right.
Do you shave your pubes or what do you do more?
I give it a trim around the thighs because I get that nasty off-grown thigh
hair.
Yeah.
So I try to keep it all in this affinity.
Oh, okay.
Do you know that I just bought one?
No.
I have one.
And I also just did a whole.
This is why people get registries, Mateo.
No, I feel horrible.
Damn.
Ninja, please.
Yeah, I'll take it.
Take it.
I'm so sorry.
I can't take two.
Mark's going to take Mateo's wedding gift?
Best wedding ever.
All right.
Take it, Mark.
I'm sorry.
Thank you for the gift.
I can't take this.
I'm joking.
I'm joking.
But can you imagine if I had two ninja bullets in my apartment?
Well, give it to a homeless guy.
But I love the ninja.
I mean, I use it all the time.
They're great.
And I feel like you do a lot of protein shakes, right?
Yes.
Yeah, yeah.
And it's good for other stuff too.
All right.
Now we're talking.
Oh my God.
This is great.
Okay.
A bed sheet scent.
Yeah.
You gotta get that jizz all off of the old one.
Take that home.
Throw your husband's face right into those, dude.
Yeah, that's Lacoste, baby.
Yeah.
You guys really were thinking about gays.
Shaving our body, nutrition, and clean bed sheets.
Bed sheets.
There's nothing better than this.
Bed sheets are the most important thing.
I mean, you need good bed.
Also, for how often we're on the road, you wanna go home.
Be comfortable.
I got home late at night from the road.
I mean, probably got in at midnight.
Not brutal, but late.
Fucking collapse on the sheets.
Nothing better.
Nothing better.
The best.
And I wash my sheets once every Olympics, I'd say.
Your wife washes your sheets.
Really?
She's better than me, but she's no prize.
We get along.
I'll tell you my wife.
She's all right.
She's all right.
She's in the clan, so she has to wash them a lot.
But yeah.
Oh, I got you some prep.
Hold on.
No, I'm just kidding.
I was trying to keep the gay thing.
He's like, Mark, you should keep that for yourself.
You might need it more than I will.
After my sheets, yeah.
I don't catch anything.
But yeah, I got married.
It's so crazy.
How do you feel?
Crazy.
I feel great.
I mean, I do feel like it is-
This was sudden.
I mean, it was wildly sudden.
Yeah, my ring looks like it's from Lord of the Rings.
Oh, yeah.
We went for it.
And then the guy at David Yerman where we got them from was so nice.
The gay walked in and he goes.
And so he obviously helped us.
But then we walked in to pick them up because they were delivered there.
We're dressed in gym clothes.
And it was like out of movies.
She just walked up.
She's like, and can I help you?
Oh, geez.
I was like, whoa.
Yeah, New York City.
Someone lives in a studio killing cockroaches all day on her time off.
My God.
Oh, my God.
Well, she didn't.
I mean, you think just showing up like that they would.
It's two magicians show up, but it's a lot more fun.
You guys look like you're doing two at the Borgata later this week.
Oh, yeah.
We look like we own two exotic tigers and we have a show in Vegas.
Yes, exactly.
What else do we look like?
I mean, we had to roast ourselves.
I mean, I just.
Mmm.
Let's see.
We look like an ad on the subway for prep.
Yeah, we go.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Or two really flamboyant lawyers like Salino and Barnes kind of thing.
Call 1-800 flamboyant.
We look like realtors that only show suede apartments.
Oh, yeah.
All right.
Good stuff.
I mean, we look like lesbians.
Hey.
A little bit.
Don't we?
A little bit.
And we sort of act like lesbians.
We fight like lesbians.
How do lesbians fight?
But you guys are fucking.
Yeah.
Come on.
That ends quick.
But we normally people like fight fight.
Yeah.
But we're just sort of like, I felt a shift in your energy and I want to talk
about that.
Like it's very.
That's how you fight?
That's essentially.
Yeah.
It's pretty depressing.
I assumed gay couples just fenced.
You know, when you guys got mad at each other.
Do you guys.
Are you both in therapy?
Is that why you fight like that?
I'm in therapy.
Yeah.
He was in therapy too.
He's still in therapy.
People who fight in therapy are excruciating.
Jonah Hill.
Perfect example.
Those texts.
Oh yeah.
But that doesn't.
Well the fights take the fights take way longer because it's I feel like that
adds another.
I know that adds more time.
I will say we have a problem because it loops a lot and that we have a hard
time just sort
of like squashing and they're not fights.
I mean, they're just sort of like.
I feel sad now.
You're like, okay, that's it.
You just keep feeling things.
It never ends.
Let's get to the point.
Yes.
I know.
It's hard.
But we're doing.
We're getting better.
You know, we don't.
We really don't argue that much.
How long into the relationship did.
And who proposed by the way.
Who proposes in t