Name: Ep 145: Podcast Crashers - Joe List & Ari Shaffir
Uploaded: 2023-09-18T01:00:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 145: Podcast Crashers - Joe List & Ari Shaffir' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 145: Podcast Crashers - Joe List & Ari Shaffir' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-18. Transcript available.

Ep 145: Podcast Crashers - Joe List & Ari Shaffir

I'm on Jonah Hill's side, by the way
That's how we're starting the episode
I think he's a queef
He's like, I have boundaries
I would never hang out with a guy like that
You would hang out with him, shut up
You wouldn't hang out with Jonah Hill
You'd hang out with Matt Ruby
I wouldn't date him
Come on
Alright, Ruby's got some bad hats
I wouldn't hang out with him
I'd hang out with him, but I wouldn't be in a relationship with him
I mean, look at this, he's dressing like his girlfriend
Got long hair, I don't know, the whole thing sucks
Yeah, but I bet he's, you know
I'm sure he's fine
I bet he's on drugs or something, he'd be that thin now
The drugs I like, now we're getting somewhere
Great comic actor
Is there a better, is there like, in the last 10 years
A better comic actor?
Yes
In like big screen movies?
Well, what about Will Ferrell?
In the last 10 years
Will Ferrell's run, he's great, but his run is like the early aughts
I see, I see
I mean, that run of like Talladega, Elf
Yeah
Old school
Anchorman, old school
Stepbrothers
That was like an
Stepbrothers
The other guys
I feel like that was all
The early aughts to like
Around 2010 or something
Yeah
What do we have?
We have Wolf of Wall Street
He's funny in there
Oh, he kills that
21 and 22 Jump Street
Cured anti-Semitism
That's true
Yes, that's right
Kanye loves him
So I'm all for the acting
I'm all for the funny
But the texts were just like cringey to me
It's all
Look, no one should
But you don't want to see my text with my lady too
That's weird as well
Exactly
No one should
No one's text should see the light of day
I feel like
No
Unless, you know
I mean, I don't know
Once you're in a relationship
I feel like that's a weird
Out of context text
Like what he wrote isn't great, obviously
Out of context
We got something
Ooh, context
Context
Yeah
Okay, con, comic con
But it's
Con artist?
All right
Thanks for that
That was helpful
Trying to get somewhere
He's like, wordplay
Let me see what I can do here
Chili con queso?
All right
No, it's whatever
That's his favorite meal
It is a dated story anywhere we're talking about
But I think
But you don't leak text
That's a violation of trust
You put it public
I mean, she should be in trouble for that as well
This wasn't a Mel Gibson voicemail
Yes, exactly
This was
I don't like
Well, it's like, guess what?
If you don't like that
You don't have to date the person
And she doesn't have to date you
It's just weird, I guess
To date a surfer
And not want her to post
Swimsuit
Swimsuit photos
Well, that was crazy
I think he's just like
Hey, don't show your ass
And people are like
But she's in a swimsuit all day long
He's like, I know
But if she's at the club
Showing her ass
That's a little different
I don't know
I would never text my lady that
It's all weird
But I just hate how we can't have two bad people
Everything is so absolute
He's the bad guy
She's the bad guy
No, they both suck
Two things can be true
Yeah, I think also the timing was a little questionable
Like, it did come off
Like, she's maybe not over him
Yeah, a little bitter
Like, he moved on
Has a family
Didn't they just have a baby?
She didn't like that
So, I think sometimes maybe that
You're like, well, he's not good
It's tough when it's a famous person you date
Because the public perception is so positive
So, that's probably hard to process a breakup
When you have all these negative feelings
Of course, of course
But it doesn't excuse the
Not at all
I'm saying, I'm trying to understand
Yeah, yeah
It's good to understand
But he sucks
She sucks
They all suck
They deserve each other
I like him
I like Jonah Hill
I like him too
I'm trying to make it look like
I'm less attacking the ladies
Because they're allowed to attack men
Without any repercussion
But if you attack a lady
You have to have all these consolations
Social media went back
There are two sides
There are Jonah Hill defenders
I don't think
Good
But, you know
That's what happens
When you bring the flames on someone
Some of the flames are going to come back on you
You got that right
There's something really annoying about Twitter now
Like, I feel like when it started
It was
Funny
It was just jokes
Light
Wordplay
And like
Dead baby jokes
And rape jokes
And now it's literally
Now it's
People
The minute people realized
Outrage
Was currency on Twitter
Yeah, yeah
And Outrage performs like
I don't know how many percent better
But way more
It's like
Well, that's what it all became
It just
It went from like
Everyone being like
Boom
To like
Yeah, yeah
I'm like
Well, that's a shitty place to be
You wouldn't want to hang out
With that person
But then all day
You're just like
Mm, mm
Right
Crying, crying
Wah, wah
Okay
Yeah, I completely agree
But we do it with everything
You know, you go
Oh, that
Did you hear what Trump said?
It was so funny
Oh, you're all right now
I'm like
It was a funny line
I don't know
I still think he's a psycho
It was a funny
Why can't
We have nuance
You know
And that's
That's what this does
Like
He's a piece of shit
He's a woman hater
He's a misogynist
Like
He's texting his girlfriend
I don't know
Yeah, no one knows
Come on
That's why
That's why
You usually solve it
With each other
But that's
When someone's famous
True
People become obsessive
With this shit
They become obsessed
So are you careful
With your text now
Like anything you write
No
Like when I write something
I'm like
No
All n-word
No, no
I mean
That was just to me
I mean
If you look
It's just
My wife's showing me her clam
It's a tit shot
It's me
Is this joke funny?
She's like
This is appalling
You know
It's wild
Our text chain is wild
And if she ever leaked it
I'd be crushed
Just cause it's like
It's a violation
Of what we have
That's gonna be
One hell of a divorce
Oh
The fucking
When that comes out
In the courtroom
Cut to Mark ripping up
The prenup
Alright, take it
Take everything
Please
Just don't release those
No, yeah
I've definitely
Look, we've all written shit
We're not proud of
In a relationship
Let's
Come on
That's what tech's for
Both sides
Come on
It's
There's bad people
On both sides
Hear, hear
That's all I'm saying
Yeah, so
I forgot our original point
But
Yeah, when it's
It's tough when it's
A situation like this
That probably did have nuance
Yes
As opposed to like
A Chris Brown situation
Where she's just
Covered in bruises
And you're like
Okay, pretty much
Open and shut case
Right here
I don't know
What'd she say
That's true
No, no, I'm just kidding
That is true
We didn't get to
The bottom of that
Yeah, no, I agree
I'm with you on that
Yeah, she couldn't
Even open one eye
Yeah
And people still going
On his shows
So let's
Let's be a little easier
On old
Hill dog
There you go
Yeah
All right
And then
Was that
Oh, Lizzo
Is how we got started
On this
Oh, yeah
We were talking
Off camera
About Lizzo
Yeah
Yeah, I was telling my wife
I was like
Why am I delighting
In this cancellation
So much
Because I hate cancellation
But I was like
What is it that I like
And she was like
Well, you know
You don't like fat people
And I was like
It can't just be that
It's got to be more than that
And I think I figured it out
Last night
And I think it's that
She's up on Mount Pius
And people put her up there
It's the only mountain
She's height
I thought she was the mountain
All right
And she's up there
With like inclusion
And like
Body positivity
Body positivity
And everything
And then like
If you don't
Go along with that sermon
Then you're the bigot
Right
And you're the asshole
Right
And you're the bully
Meanwhile
The whole time
She was the asshole
There you go
She was the bully
And making me feel bad about it
Yeah, yeah, of course
But this is how it goes
This shit can't last
Because humans are human
And we're all flawed
No one's perfect
We think
Because you point a finger
At one guy
Now you're off the hook
But you're still
A piece of shit too
It's like when I do
A dark joke
People go
You're an asshole
I'm like
You've never had
A dark thought
I just said mine out loud
Yeah
Am I really the only
Psycho in America
No
And also
Yeah, I mean
It's madness
But also with Liz
I mean I remember
Talking to a comic once
Who had this big
New York Times write up
Saying what a genius
He was
And I called him
I was like
Man, that's so cool
And he was like
I fucking hate it
Because he's like
That's when they come for you
Oh
That's when they'll
Start calling me a hack
Is what he was saying
He's like
When they lift me up like this
It's not wrong
It's not wrong
I mean people love
To lift people up
Not Lizzo
And they take her down
But no
They do love to lift her up
And talk about
You know
It also is the same people
That lift her up
That are the ones
Bringing her down right now
That's how it goes
It's gonna come for you
This shit comes for you
So stop coming for others
You cunts
Well she
Is an interesting one
Because she
You're right
She's like a body positivity thing
And there's this weird thing now
Where like the liberals
Are obsessed with
Body positivity
And sure
It's good to accept yourself
That's good
But at the same time
Now you see articles
I forgot which publication it was
But they were like
Why is the far right
So obsessed with fitness
I'm like
Health is a
Partisan issue now
Exactly
Why can't
Why are you
There's a lot to go after
The far right for
You're going after exercise
I know
Again with the absolutes
It's all or nothing
If you're healthy
You're alright
If you're fat
You're liberal
It's so stupid
There's nuance
Some people are chubby
Like you
You know
You're a centrist
Okay
But
You're not even that chubby
Sorry
I couldn't go to Matt
But
But you know
It's these absolutes
You know
You gotta go all the way here
This is alt right
So this must be
And white is bad
Black is good
That's so stupid
And it's childish
And it's ignorant
And we gotta have this actor
Because he's Chinese
And you're like
What?
That's a little offensive
None of it makes sense
It's all gonna come crumbling down
And I can't wait for it
And I'm not gonna forget
Who pointed fingers
Yeah man
Well
It's
It's also just like
It's funny how quickly
You see the fatigue
Of the mob
Oh the fatigue
Where they go from Jonah Hill
And then it's like
Give it a new cycle
Right
Right
And then they find the next one
And by the time this podcast comes out
It'll be a new person
It won't be Lizzo anymore
And people will forgive her
And she'll
You know
She won't make her
Her new dancers
Walk to Brooklyn
To get a slice of cheesecake
I think that was the accusation
Somebody needs to be walking
But
Also
This is where I get in trouble
Sorry everybody
Get ready to hit the edit button
But everybody preaches compassion
And hey
You say
You call somebody
Trans
Or whatever
And they go
Hey that's insensitive
Blah blah blah
You know what else is insensitive
Trying to ruin someone's life
And take their livelihood away
And smear their name
And ruin their reputation
That's insanely
I'd rather be called
A hack
Or a homo
Or whatever
Come at me
With the insults
It's fine
That's fine
But if you try to ruin
Someone's life
Because they're a
Sexist
Or racist
Or whatever
And you don't even know
The facts
That's shitty too
What's interesting
Is what Mark is saying
Is
Please translate
Well yeah
First off
No one's offended
By being called trans
That was the first part
I didn't want to say
The real word
Yeah yeah
But like
I know what you mean
Transmission fluid
That's offensive
Yeah
A man's mission fluid
No but
I know what you mean
Where it's like
As kids
We were taught
To use our words
Right
And
Oh good point
And now
Words have taken on
Like another level
With social media
And like
How much
You settle things
With your words
That was like
You're like
Mom I didn't fight
I settled things
With my words
And she's like
Good job
Okay
You grow up
How do you settle things
I smeared someone
And ruined their life
Right
Well those were words
Right
You know what I mean
I think about this too
I was trying to do a bit
About this last night
About how
You know
Elon Musk
And Mark Zuckerberg
Want to fight
And how it's so child