Name: Ep 149: Russell Howard
Uploaded: 2023-10-16T01:00:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 149: Russell Howard' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 149: Russell Howard' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-16. Transcript available.

Ep 149: Russell Howard

all right hey hey oh shit wait let me change shirts oh geez it's too late the
magic's ruined
they know it now son of a bitch all right well we got uh we got old russell
here yeah yeah and
winnie winnie who's looking uh particularly aroused by you changing your shirt
yeah who
isn't tongues out yeah what are you doing in the uh across the pond uh i'm
doing some gigs so nice
yeah i'm doing a uh an east coast tour um which i'm really excited about so we
kind of i'm going
to a place called durham tomorrow i've never even heard of durham yeah north
carolina okay so how am i
how was i pronouncing that is that is that what we do when we come to yeah i
was going to but durham
it's a durham durham durham yeah yeah you got it it's durham in the uk and it's
weirdly a very kind
of posh place in the uk right up the north uh-huh so it's odd so it's in course
that's not what it is
here yeah right but it's in a very skanky area in the in the north of england
and yet it's quite sort
of posh no it's durham's a cool city i mean it north carolina is pretty cool i
mean the big cities
there north carolina's got like you know you know durham and then you know raleigh
durham and then you
got uh you know the cool like they have like artsy cities like wilmington or
ashville they got smaller
it's very hippie yeah it's a cool state nice i've been been in north carolina
once me and my mom did
a tv show like a travel show and we had to do this kind of speedway thing where
i was in a car smashing
into other cars ah in front of like 5 000 people in this kind of weird we call
that the tiger woods
it was fucking incredible but it was all like like proper weird like trump
flags confederate flags it was
fucking peculiar yeah but my mom was there commentating cheering me on
ah but desperately
you did a show with your mom yeah yeah so it's kind of um we did a travel show
years ago
um when we traveled around america what how was that working with your mom so
closely it was great my mom's really funny but the the
the bad thing about it is that after a while you become like work colleagues
yeah and then you're kind of like that horrible moment you turn to your mommy
like
like that and you kind of raise it a bit and you realize she's just your mother
who's just bewildered
because you're in the middle of india and you're like come on let's try and
make this a bit funnier
oh so it was a bit it kind of it was great and then at the end it just got a
bit
we were sort of slightly resentful of each other so we had to stop so we could
become
mother and son again yeah rather than do you know what i mean like colleagues
it was weird
with my mom i bitch about everything i'm like oh this gig sucked but now she's
with you so she's
like yeah i'm here i get it yeah but she was too well and she realized what it
meant to not be sad
to be away from home oh because you're on the road you're enjoying yourself and
everyone's like oh you
must want to get home and you're like oh really yeah yeah do you know what i
mean that's what all
you love doing the road i love it don't you i do i get to a point where i'm
burnt out but then i come
back and i'm like i miss the road yeah i'm always grateful to return but i do
love i feel like that's
the only way to improve your act is to you know hit the road oh hell yeah but
you just see just so
many different parts of the world as well you know it's like we were talking
the other day about like
gigging in lisbon you learn so much about stand-up seeing if you can make your
act work in portugal
yeah they listen to you in their second language right and stuff works stuff
dies and you sort of
see how strange your culture is compared to theirs and well i think you'll find
the east coast because
when i got to dublin and london i was like all right i'm home because you know
lisbon was it felt
like a barrier and like germany was a little barrier but those two or manchester
or birmingham that was like
all right i can just do my act yeah i can be myself i don't have to like try to
adapt a little bit yeah holland is
the big one for me have you kicked in holland oh i did amsterdam yeah fuck me
because they don't laugh
it's just like that was amusing here are my teeth yeah for like an hour they
just smile at you and
they smile and then at the end they go ballistic and you realize the gig's gone
fine but why why is it
because they're concentrating so hard they speak five languages and you're
there just churning out
language yeah and you think you're speaking at a normal pace but words like nicking
a cow doesn't
mean stealing a cow it means cutting a cow so they've gone on different
variations right you
know never heard i mean i don't know nicking a cow either exactly that's what i
mean so i was talking
about this in denmark and i just said the phrase one of my mates got pissed and
nicked a nicked a cow
which in america would mean my mate got angry and stole a cow but it meant he
got drunk and he
nicked a cow well how do you steal a cow well exactly that was the whole point
he was bullshitting
but the point is they went on a different journey do you know what i mean and
of course just you
sort of realize the importance of words yeah everywhere do you know what i mean
it's the
whole business but i noticed the prettier don't take this the wrong way the
prettier the city
the worst the crowd like lisbon is beautiful it's like breathtaking these these
cities with the
alleyways and the cobblestones but the crowds were kind of they were a little
felt distant and then
amsterdam is so cool looking and so pretty but the crowds were a little clappy
that's interesting
miami hot women big fake butts big boobs beach oh really yeah and new york
complete shithole good
crowds well yeah it's a pretty city but you got the guy jerking it pretty city
the skyline's beautiful when you're in a rugged way yeah i don't know it stinks
of weed and piss
well there you go and there's i know but that keeps us humble the actual
architecture is good
yes that's what you think they're pumping in the smell yeah okay it keeps us it
keeps us human
right right exactly there is i've been on the subway twice and i've seen three
arseholes and one bloke
jacking off really none of them none of you meant us no no no no but they were
just so like
this guy was just jacking off in a real ho-hum yeah like that yeah and it's
like surely if you're
beating off in public there should be a bit of excitement to it and nothing and
nobody was everyone
was just like oh another day another guy jacking off yeah here it's like
directions you take a left
you know it's pretty common what if he's not there he'll be there yeah he's on
the d train yeah every
time my mom this is what i learned a lot by my mom she came here to come visit
me and i was like take
the f to meet me and we went went out to dinner and there's a guy jerking it
and she didn't bring
it up till like two hours into the night she's like i miss your father
yeah but i was like hey mom's fun she doesn't like most women pearl grabbing oh
but my mom's like oh
yeah there's a guy jerking it you know my mom did that as well how funny that
in a flat that i used to
live in made of ale there was a guy who was probably thinking about this
because of winnie but he was
getting jacked off by his girlfriend and he was holding a dog on a lead next to
a tree and my mom
went and i didn't know this was the scene that my mom was beckoning me towards
but yeah look out the
window oh like so my mom kind of took me to this kind of live only fans yeah
you know yeah but she
just didn't care she's like so he's getting he's getting jerked off and the dog's
on a walk yeah and
the dog was yeah exactly it's a bad walk for the dog it's a terrible walk but
there's so much going on
the dog and the dog looked like this had happened before oh the dog wasn't
looking at him as if to
go oh come on jeff right do you know what i mean winnie it was that sense of
yeah that's how he lost
the eye yeah i think i hit with jizz it ruined him her sorry i want to misgender
what do we got here
these are some treats oh okay good you gotta give her some treats what what is
that it's like beef
jerky for dogs that look like weed from here yeah oh it's got some weed in it
that doesn't look like
she's gonna be spinning yeah yeah by the way i got turned out for life
insurance because i smoke
weed i didn't know that was a thing why you don't i was trying to be honest
well weed's healthy now
glaucoma and arthritis like none of those yeah were you doing it during you
weren't you didn't roll
up with a joint well i'm not a weed guy i need some life insurance that'll stop
him pretty quick
but i'm like just tapping heroin into your arm i need it now well i was just
like hey i'll take an
edible every now and they go to bed i don't even like weed only to go to bed
and they were like
oh i didn't know that and then they you know marked some stuff off hang on a
minute so you so you now
have no life insurance because of that yes but i'm like does snoop dog not have
life insurance or
willie nelson what are we doing here probably not i guess not i guess they're
rich enough but
willie nelson needs it that guy's gonna live forever yeah but why did you say i
just said i took an
edible a couple times to go to bed i don't even do it that much anymore and
they're like oh
really what i don't understand why that disqualified i didn't think it would i
was trying to be honest
yeah i don't even do it anymore i just it was a phase can you bet and you can't
bring them back
no once you're done you're done it's like an elimination from the island i'm
out unless you
you come back and you go listen i was under some pretty heavy drugs
i was on acid that day which i no longer take and i liked i don't i don't take
edibles is life
insurance that's because you're married now is that why you're getting that
yeah and you get a
little text something or other so i was like all right i'll try to beat this
like they always doing
the life insurance thing in like the movie where you kill a spouse oh it's
always you always get
like the deal and you're just like it was up to 800 000 and then it's like and
he he was uh he
dropped dead yeah that's like the fucking life insurance that's true and they
always say the
number every time like oh yeah they were going great then they got married and
then she found
out she could get 38 grand that was double indemnity if you if you fall off a
train you get like an
extra they double it so it had to be like an extra whatever yeah because if it
was like a peculiar
death it would have a clause in it so it'd be an even more amount of money
right we have to do it in
the uk if you buy a house you have to have kind of life insurance why is that i
don't know i guess so
that they can retrieve it if something goes bad if you can see you can your
partner can then pay the
mortgage i guess i love the idea of epstein like i'm trying to buy this island
and then having to
fill out the forms thank you you can uh that island is for sale that was
clearly the worst bit of his
life yeah admin oh i hate admin he's uh he's paying for life insurance how
could it get any worse than
this but what's that a documentary that just focuses on all the shit bits yeah
egg-shaped penis too
that's the rumor is that right egg-shaped epstein yeah weird egg look it up
they might have a photo
you know what's weird is uh jelaine's vagina was shaped like a beater so kind
of perfect for each other
whoo beater we having to look for buzzer beater we're looking for i'm okay
thank you though
yeah you're not a diet coke guy no we got we got russell 19 diet cokes egg you're
a diet coke guy
yeah coffee and diet coke i'm not it's that's a weird combo yeah it's silly isn't
it it's just i'm
really struggling with jack to be honest it's the first time i've ever spoke
about my caffeine needs
whilst also looking at egg-shaped penises this doesn't help us it's just a
bunch of eggs in the
shape of a dick yeah i mean that one on the