Name: Ep 153: Jim Jefferies
Uploaded: 2023-11-13T01:59:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 153: Jim Jefferies' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 153: Jim Jefferies' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-11-13. Transcript available.

Ep 153: Jim Jefferies

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You know what's crazy about Travis Scott?
He was banging Kylie Jenner for a while.
Is that the really hot one or who's the really hot one?
She's like the fake plastic one.
The billionaire one.
The youngest one.
Which one?
Is Kendall?
She's like 22 now.
Kendall's the hottest, I think.
Yeah, I think so.
She's thin and real.
Kylie's the one that made the billion dollars first.
Yeah.
The lip gloss or something.
Oh, my God.
So, it might be something else.
I'm not sure, but it was definitely.
Yeah.
Something.
Sex tape.
I think, yeah.
Yeah.
Blake Griffin was there for a while.
Oh.
I believe.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Tough shoes.
Big shoes to fill.
Yeah.
But my point is.
There was someone knocked up a porn star in the net.
I think that was also Blake Griffin.
No, it was.
If you're too.
No, it was Bruce Brown.
No, it was Bruce Brown.
Bruce Brown.
Hmm.
On the same team.
Everyone thought it was Blake Griffin.
It looks like Blake Griffin's baby.
I'm not saying it is, but have you Googled a picture of this kid?
Let's see.
What did she get in there?
Okay, Lana Rhodes' kid.
Oh, she's hot.
She, he very much looks like Blake Griffin.
I don't know.
I didn't know who she was.
I only know porn stars from like 2005.
I still jack off to like the old school ones.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm with you.
I like them all.
Okay.
Now get, put Blake Griffin in the same thing.
This baby looks.
Oh, yeah.
Let's do a little side by side here.
It's, uh, it's some pretty startling evidence.
You can hit some guy.
Oh, and he's cool as shit.
Okay.
Blake Griffin, Lana Rhodes' baby.
You gotta, no, I don't need to put a picture.
Of Blake Griffin.
No, I meant, uh, okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm shitting on your staff.
I've been here.
No, no, no.
That's what he's here for.
You abuse him.
Get on him.
Lana Rhodes, baby.
Baby.
There you go.
By the way, run by.
Now, now get that picture in the second row.
Look at that.
Nah, uh, the third row now.
First one, the third, first one in the third row.
First one.
Left.
There we go.
That one.
Oh, there you go.
Wow.
Oh, okay.
Maybe it's not his, but come on now.
But it'd be a good episode of Maury, for sure.
Ah, it would be the best.
Not the father.
We have Celebrity Jeopardy.
We should have Celebrity Maury.
That'd be fucking awesome.
Oh, yeah.
Run by Jim what you ran by us before.
I want Jim's take on this.
Yeah, so I was telling them, I think the difference between men and women, I
figured it out this weekend.
Okay.
At last, someone did this first.
Oh, my God.
We've had so many people working on it all these years.
And what about cats and dogs?
So, um, my wife and I have a sick friend in the hospital and we're going to go
visit her.
Okay.
And she was like, we should bring flowers.
And I said, well, we should just bring those that we have on the table.
And she was like, those are from my mother's funeral.
And I was like, and?
Well, that's what you reckon, the difference between men and women?
Yeah, that's exactly what I said.
I like it.
I think it's good.
It's not a bad, was there a card that said to the dead person?
There's no card.
No.
Okay, so I'd have to see the bunch of flowers because there are definite
funeral-looking bunches.
They were dark.
And gift.
Dark? Are you meant to go lighter for the funeral?
It's like a white flower event.
Is that true?
Yeah, lilies and shit.
That might be because of Princess Diana, like lilies.
Ah.
But Google what flowers you, it's lighter color.
Yeah, that's a funeral bunch right there.
Oh, really?
You're not meant to be like, oh, drab.
You're meant to-
That's secret admirer.
I think that's what white is.
No, secret admirer.
Isn't it go white means friendship, pink means love, and red means lust.
We used to do a thing.
Oh.
We used to do Valentine's Day at school.
You do this?
No.
No.
Okay, so-
Oh, boy school.
So, in our school, we did a thing where for like $1.50, you could write a
secret-
They would have banned this by these days because it got too dodgy, but you
could write a secret
message to a girl or guy or anyone you liked, right?
Pay $1.50, and then one of the teachers would come and deliver the flowers out
to the different
kids.
Oh, that's not equality.
And if you sent white that was just to a mate of yours, if a couple of girls
would send each
other white, so, you know, the more off-putting women didn't have no flowers.
Sure.
And then the pink would be love and the red would mean lust or I want to fuck
you.
It's code for I want to fuck you, right?
And you'd see like some of the more popular girls, they'd be walking out like
with bunches
like this, right?
And all the fat chicks would just roll white.
Yeah, and you could write a little message on there to your secret admirer.
Can they still let that happen now?
Yeah, well, we had little chalky hearts that had a word on it.
Remember, it said like, "You're mine."
That must have- I wonder what was in those ingredients.
Those were fucking disgusting.
Forget about it.
You never had those?
It was all chalky.
All American candy's no good.
Oh, have you had a Snickers?
Yeah, I have a thing.
No, Snickers isn't bad, but Snickers is better overseas when it doesn't use
American chocolate.
American chocolate's really bad stuff.
It's rough.
I'm saying that I'll be playing Hersey Pennsylvania on Saturday.
Oh, ha, ha, ha, great.
I've been to the factory and it's a little-
I'll go, I'll go.
They don't hide that it's like poison.
Really?
Yeah, they're like, "Oh, it's all crap."
You watch them put it together and they're like- and you're like, "That doesn't
look like it should be eaten by anyone."
But yeah, it's fun.
I did the lint tour in Switzerland like a couple of months ago I was out there
touring.
That'll kill you because it starts off with there's just a waterfall of
chocolate.
Sure.
And they give you a spoon.
It's like a chocolate factory with the lake, right?
You start eating that.
As you go along, there's little machines you can put your hand on and they'll
shoot out a button of chocolate into your hand.
Oh, there you go.
And then at the end, you go to the ballroom and the ballroom is every lint ball
that's ever been produced and you can take out as many as you can carry.
Everyone's filling up their t-shirts and their pockets and-
With chocolate?
Yeah, they just give it away.
Oh, wow.
You'll fucking die in the lint factory tour.
You're going to lose a toe in there.
Yeah, yeah.
Jeez, well, that's fun.
But Hershey is no joke.
That place is- the whole thing is built on chocolate.
Yeah.
It's just a town.
I did a real hell gig there back in the day.
I remember staying- the hotel was like- it looked like we're fucking- what's
his name from No Country of Old Men.
Javier Bardem.
Yeah, with an air gun.
Yeah.
Remember that movie?
I've never seen that movie.
What?
It's fucking good.
No, it's one of those movies that when you say you haven't seen it, people get
really disappointed.
It's just a good one.
Yeah.
It's fucking good.
It's great.
I only saw Casino the first time for the other day.
That's fun.
Jeez.
You're a movie guy, aren't you?
I like movies.
Yeah, I like movies.
But, you know, there's just ones that pass you by.
Sure.
And then you feel like, ah, it looks like it's going to be a hard watch.
Right.
Like No Country for Old Men, I'm like, that'll be a hard watch.
And everyone else has already seen it.
Who am I going to talk to about it?
Yeah, you know what?
The Wire is like that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You don't see The Wire.
Like, ah, I don't know.
I don't have 30 hours.
The African used to have that bit.
I want to talk about Heat now.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
Right.
That's great.
You guys seen Heat?
Heat was one that I just saw.
That's a fun one.
But yeah, I just saw Casino.
Casino is sort of- it's one of those ones that after the film, you Google the
real people.
Yes.
And that cunt looks nothing like De Niro.
Oh, dude.
He was like- in the movies like De Niro, he's like got the tie and all that
type of stuff.
Right.
Sharon Stone was this like hustling sort of hooker type of chick that looked
like Sharon Stone.
Yeah.
And the real two of them looked like car park folk.
Yeah, there we go.
Car park.
The only one that got it right was Monster.
She actually looked pretty similar to that- I mean, she'll never be as ugly.
Well, after eight hours in a making sure.
Yeah.
That's called brave.
When an actress does that-
That's true.
We're not allowed to play outside our race, right?
You're not allowed to play outside your race.
Why are you allowed to play outside your looks?
I get it.
I get it.
That's fucking ugly face.
Those jobs should have gone to the ugly people.
Yes.
Right?
Joel Edgerton, is it?
What's his name?
Taron Edgerton.
Yeah.
Edgerton.
Edgerton or whatever.
Yeah.
He played Elton John and Eddie the Eagle.
Right?
I remember that.
He's one of the best looking guys in the world.
Look at that guy.
What a hunk.
Yeah.
And he's meant to be Eddie the Eagle or Elton John.
Like they have to ugly that guy up all of a sudden.
Yeah.
Right.
If you have to be trans to be a trans actor, you've got to be ugly to be ugly.
Exactly.
An uggo should play Elton John.
Yes.
Eddie the Eagle got an inspirational movie about him just because he was ugly.
Yeah.
They went, can you believe that an ugly man can do ski jumps?
Eddie the Eagle was not mentally challenged.
Right.
In any way.
He had no physical problem wrong with him.
Right?
But they went, this is inspirational, an ugly person achieving.
Yes.
And he came last.
We love any ugly person.
If he was missing an arm, you got a movie.
Right.
Just thick glasses.
Yes.
Well, anytime an ugly person does it, Susan Boyle.
We're like, holy shit, she's a talent.
But it's just because she's hideous.
Yeah.
But she's really a great singer.
She's better than Taylor Swift.
I used to do a joke years ago.
What was it about like-
Look at that guy.
About like, yeah, that's Eddie the Eagle.
Oh, I should bring this joke back.
I never record this joke.
But it was basically, it was like, if you want to win an Oscar, what you do is
you act
go disabled, right?
You're forested up or you're my left footed or something like that.
But in the few acting jobs I've had, whenever you've got something like the
character's got
a limp, that makes your job a lot easier.
It's when you're playing like a normal person.
If you think the person has a twitch or they've got something they do with
their hand
or they smoke or something, you've got something to do all the time.
Right.
Disability is the easiest of all the acting.
Oh, yeah.
It really is the easiest.
You get into it and off you go.
Yeah.
Right.
But I won an Oscar for a disabled player normal.
Like someone with like-
Oh, now that's acting.
Someone like severe cerebral palsy.
Yes.
And then you're watching like how they made the movie and he's like, well, we
made the film.
And you're like, oh, shit.
He was so good.
The acceptance speech.
That's great.
You're like, that's it.
You f