Name: Ep 163: Lagavulin 11 Year
Uploaded: 2024-01-22T02:00:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 163: Lagavulin 11 Year' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 163: Lagavulin 11 Year' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-01-22. Transcript available.

Ep 163: Lagavulin 11 Year

*music*
Yo!
Ah!
Here we are!
Good to be back.
It's a scotch day.
We're doing a...
By the way, this is a Nick Offerman Lagavulin.
A toast to Nick Offerman for winning the award.
Golden Globe.
Yeah.
There you go.
We got some golden drinks here.
Ooh, that smells good.
That is fuckin'...
That is smoky.
Mm-hmm.
That is smokier than Sarah Huckabee Sanders' eye.
Hey, hey!
Ooh!
Nice!
Or Snoop Dogg's ashtray.
Ooh!
That is good stuff.
Well...
Well, yeah, man.
How you been?
Good.
Remember when he said he quit smoking for about eight seconds?
And then it was all...
Snoop Dogg.
And it was all a ruse to sell his smokers.
Or his barbecue bullshit.
What do you mean?
He's like, "I quit smoking weed!"
And, like, you know, the fuckin' internet blew up.
Oh, just to get attention.
Yeah.
And then he's like, "Just kidding.
But buy my smoker whatever."
Smokeless grill.
That was it.
Smokeless grill.
Smokeless grill.
There you go.
I quit smoking.
I got advertising.
But, boy, did it work.
And I'm sure he sold a...
That's the new game now.
It's just how the fuck do I make a splash?
Because everything's all over the internet, you know?
So how do I stand out for a second?
I'm gay.
See me in Denver this weekend.
There you go.
That would work.
That would work.
I'm on the client list.
See me in Denver.
Aren't you glad you're not on that list?
That's nice.
I still wake up like...
We're too young to be on that list.
If we were on that list, we would be on it for the other reason.
We could work in there.
Yeah.
Worst summer job I ever had.
You're just on...
You're giving Stephen Hawking a massage.
Not to turn him on, just to awaken some parts.
Right, right.
At the lower back.
So what is up with that plane?
So many people are on that fucking plane.
And I assume that not all of them are fucking miners.
No.
Well, you would have gone on that plane if he asked you.
Yeah.
That's true.
It's a rich guy with a jet.
You would have fucked a miner if he asked you, too.
See my show in Dallas.
Yeah.
I think it's a ride.
I think sometimes...
I think about being on the road.
They're like, "Oh, my friend's got a..."
I know a guy who's a billionaire.
I just met him through...
He's like...
He liked my comedy.
So we became like pals through that.
And I remember one time I was on the runway in LAX.
He's like, "Are you going to LA?"
He texted me, "Are you going to LA today?
I would have taken you on my jet."
Oh!
And I was like, "I don't know.
I don't think he's done anything bad."
Sure.
But I was like, "Shit, I would have done it."
Hell yeah.
I'd do anything he asked me to do.
I'd suck his dick.
Yeah.
I mean, how was the house?
How was his...
Awesome.
Great house.
I mean, like, you know.
Of course it's a great house.
That's true.
He just lived in like a studio.
Without being specific, how did he make his fortune?
I don't want to talk about it.
It's too specific.
Yeah.
I think everything's tech now.
I assume it's tech shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I don't know how that works anyway.
Yeah, yeah.
So, yeah.
But Mark's met him.
I did?
Yeah, we went out with him one night.
Yeah, very unassuming.
Yeah, yeah.
You would never think.
Yeah.
He's like 11 years old, this guy.
You know?
We had a fun night.
That was a fun night.
A very night of Mark and Sam at a New York City nightclub.
Nightclub.
That ain't our scene.
We didn't, you know, but...
That's a different world.
I remember you were single at the time and we saw this girl walk by.
We were both like, "God damn."
And you went up and you went, "Hey."
And she went...
You have to be more specific.
Damn.
Yeah.
Yeah, there were some hot chicks.
I mean, the fucking warriors were there.
Draymond Green and Clay Thompson walked in.
Wow.
Yeah, I was like, "All right."
Yeah.
This is the place to be, I guess.
I know.
You probably walked by that door 8,000 times.
It's like in the East Village.
You go in, it's a fucking crazy wild nightclub.
This is good scotch.
So good.
Offerman.
Does it again.
So good.
Could you get caught up in that lifestyle?
Could I?
Yeah.
No.
No, no.
It's just not us.
It's fun to like...
It's intoxicating.
It's too loud.
Intoxicating, yeah.
It's for people with no personality.
The music's so loud you can't have a conversation.
It's for people on drugs.
It is.
You do drugs.
You make eye contact.
You make out.
You get out of here.
And this is a no?
These are all no's for you?
Well, it's high school.
Yeah.
It's high school, like sequel.
It's just like, who's hot?
Who's not?
Who's cool?
Who's wearing what?
Who's in the nose?
Who's in the mix?
It sucks.
But Mark and I also like, I feel like we thrive based off our personalities and
not based off
how we look.
Yes.
It was like me, it was me like making a woman laugh at a bar.
So it wasn't, it wasn't me just like walking up to her like you.
Yeah.
That's like, that's some like emperor shit.
No, no.
That's what you get in the courtroom.
Him.
You.
10 months later.
That's the man right there.
Yeah.
So no, that, that is not my world.
And I, it's cool to go see and like observe like a safari, you know, like look
at her,
look at him.
There's that celebrity, but I feel, you feel, I feel out of place the whole
time.
I'm like, I'm not cool enough.
I'm not hot enough.
I'm, I'm too weird.
Yeah.
The whole thing's off.
I think you're very attractive.
Hey, you too.
If I was one of those models, I'd fucking, I'd suck you off, dude.
Well, when I was single, I would literally go up to girls at a bar and be like,
ah, Conan.
Why else would she want to talk to me?
Both of us.
I think both of us had a Conan, uh, Tinder pic.
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah.
Good icebreaker.
Yeah.
What else am I doing?
More matches.
Oh, look at these.
Wow.
That's my tits.
Yeah.
You know, it's me and Fallon.
I got nothing.
I'm five, 10.
I, you know, I didn't have any money.
What else did I have to offer?
It's a cool, it's, it's, it's exciting.
I think for a woman, it's like, you know, I'll try, I'll, I'll give it a try.
Yeah.
It's a different thing.
Let's see if he's actually fun.
Like he's professionally funny.
Let's see if we go out and he actually makes me laugh.
Totally.
But, uh.
Did you guys ever, oopsie.
Yikes.
Did you guys ever, um, match with anyone sort of fancy on Raya?
Yeah.
I didn't do the Raya.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I got, I got a few, but I, but I'm not fucking saying.
That's weird.
Well, just give me like a ballpark.
Ballpark.
Susan Boyle.
Like A-list actress or she was in B-movie.
She had B-cups.
Um, I, all right, fine.
I once fucked, uh.
Kathy Bates.
Dame Judi Dench.
All right, there we go.
Yeah.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Yeah.
No, I'll tell you off air.
Okay.
All right.
Yeah.
This is getting good.
Gypsy Rose.
I'm the one who killed her mom.
And I never got caught neither.
By the way, they show the mom's body dead.
Yeah.
It's, it's fucking just, the whole thing's horrific.
Yeah.
Everybody's ugly and trashy and it's the kid, the boyfriend's like an autistic
weirdo.
Gypsy Rose before Gypsy Hoes, dude.
Yeah.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Woo.
Put that in the bank.
Dude, uh, yeah, we, we had, we had, I mean, Mark and I would get fucking lit up.
Yeah.
I mean, those seller nights too.
Those were the best, but you can't keep up with comedy seller servers.
They, they go hard.
They go hard, but.
They go hard in the paint.
I got to say, not to be this guy, but I feel like that world, that lifestyle
ended
with us.
I don't see young comics pounding the pavement, uh, drinking the night away and
then falling
on the sidewalk.
Well, it's a bad look.
I think, I think, I think like we did it when there were less cameras around.
True.
True.
I mean, cause you don't.
Now our comics got a goddamn camera with them.
I know.
Yeah.
But I think the, the problem is like, I, I did hear about a comic at a New York
club
who got like wasted and groped a bunch of other comics.
Oh.
And he's not getting spots anymore, obviously, because you can't fucking grab a
co-worker's
tits.
Yeah.
Uh.
I heard about that too.
And that kid is lucky that he's not bigger.
I know.
I, ironically, if he was bigger, he'd be fucked.
I know.
But the fact that he's such a, he's not really established, it's saving his
whole career.
I know.
Yeah.
That was a, you gotta, you gotta behave.
You got, you gotta be like Mark and I would like get shit faced, but we weren't
like bad.
We're good drunks.
That's the thing.
I mean, that's why you can still drink at our age because no one told us you
got a problem
and you got to quit.
Yeah.
I mean, maybe a few girlfriends, but I don't listen to them.
And, uh, no, but seriously, we don't, I don't think we have a, like, it was
ever like
a problem.
I think we're pretty like lovey drunks.
Yeah.
And I think we got that out in high school.
Not the groping, but like, I was like puking black, you know, you wake up on a
sidewalk,
you wake up on a couch and you're like, where the fuck am I?
Then you have to walk home for two hours.
That's a bad look when you're, when you're getting older.
Yeah, exactly.
I did that shit when I was 16.
I peed on a bunch of girls' couches cause I would wet the bed.
Like that, those were tough, tough mornings.
I paid for a lot of dry cleaning in college cause of the blood, but no, no.
But yeah, just, uh, a lot of like, sorry, I peed on your comforter.
Here's, you know, $28, you know.
Yeah.
That'll cover it.
I don't know.
It was the early two thousands.
No inflation.
Yeah.
You know, uh, those nights, so they take a toll, man.
Oh yeah.
They take a toll on your body.
And at a certain point you're like, fuck my life.
And the shame.
Don't forget the shame.
The waking up like, oh, what did I do?
What did I say?
I was thinking about that actually, because we talked about this last night.
Matt and I, we were, we were just hanging out and we talked about, you know,
when you're
a guy like Chappelle and you have the money to get the IV every hangover.
I know.
You don't have to deal with the consequences of the drinking, right?
That's a great point.
So you kind of, you, you feel like shit for a minute.
Then you get the IV and you're like, let's fucking go again.
I'm back.
I need a little shame to cut back on my drinking.
It's not a shame.
The damage to your body stays the same.
Right.
He's damaging his liver just as much as you are.
Sure, sure.
But he doesn't feel it.
And it's not just Dave, it's like a lot of people.
Anyway.
Yeah, yeah.
Maybe we should not focus on that.
Yeah.
Well, Burke too.
I mean, Burke quit drinking, basically.
He'll have like a beer here and there.
Really?
Yeah.
He looks amazing.
That's why.
He just cut down on the booze and then we got drunk on the cruise.
I think I talked about this and he was like, this sucks.
I'm hungover.
I don't remember anything.
This is a bummer.
How did I do that for the last 20 years?
That is hilarious.
Yeah.
That Burke drank so hard for the last 20 years.
He forgot what not being hungover was like.
Pretty much.
For two decades.
And he pushed through for the cruise.
Like, all right, I'll keep drinking for the cruise.
But he was like, when I get off the cruise, I'm going back to no drinking.
Well, I mean, I texted him the other day.
I was like, dude, you look amazing.
I mean, I saw the shirtless picture of him and I was like, yeah, you look like
a different
person.
He's shredded.
He's also like a strong guy and an athlete.
Oh, yeah.
You don't want to cut years off your life.
You're a father and a husband.
And I bet, like, Leanne also is feeling his chest being like, could you stop
drinking 47
beers a day?
Sure.
This feels awesome.
You're ripped.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I bet.
Yeah.
I bet.
I bet.
He's like a button down tucked in with slacks on.
He's like, this is insane.
Because Bert would chug like a 16 ouncer and then do the set and like throw it
down.
The crowd would go nuts.
And my dad's like, that's insane.
He's going to.
And then we're drinking after.
He's like, this is too much.
I'm like, he's the machine.
Yeah.
But when you're like an older person, it's more clear to you.
But I remember like being like in high school at dinner with my family and I
like got a
s