Name: Ep 174: Robert Smigel & Justin Willman [Magical Comedy]
Uploaded: 2024-04-08T01:00:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 174: Robert Smigel & Justin Willman [Magical Comedy]' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 174: Robert Smigel & Justin Willman [Magical Comedy]' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-08. Transcript available.

Ep 174: Robert Smigel & Justin Willman [Magical Comedy]

we're rolling let me tell you something these levain cookies have you had these
levain bakery
cookies no man no i mean pull up a picture what these look like man yeah trying
to do highfalutin
for me no no dude i mean yeah they're like fancy cookies that you wait in line
for it and i'm not
gonna wait in line but my girlfriend postmates them so it's like this is what
girlfriends do
they just fucking take they they're able to have two bites and move on and they
order like 14
cookies and i'm oh cool i'm the one with no willpower i'm gonna eat all these
yeah yeah but
the oatmeal cookies from these are like fucking scones oh it's too much it's
all bread it's just
a block but it tastes great yeah and the oatmeal one is not too sweet it's like
the dude oh my god
look at this they're porn you're gonna come when you eat these oh man but they're
like the oatmeal
ones are on another level because i my i love oatmeal cookies but they make
them too sweet
sometimes yeah that's true the subtlety is the key to the oatmeal but the
oatmeal raisin is the
transgender of chocolate chip because they surprise you with the raisin yes
yeah well with nuts
but i've been fooled too many times we're like hey a chocolate chip because it's
got the the brown
you know chip but it's a raisin yeah yeah but that looks amazing jesus i gotta
say they're they're
excellent and so then we're in texas i did a corporate there and then we were
there for uh i
stayed for the memorial of her friend she gold bellies like three boxes of
these you know gold
belly what's gold belly you can just get like literally anything you can get
like a peter luger
steak in like kentucky oh i thought it was a term for a fat asian you know
there's gold belly over
but it's uh dude you can order like uh pepe's pizza from new haven when you're
in like florida
oh wow that's the it's it's an incredible idea so i've never done it but she
does it for the
so she orders like two boxes so i'm like more of these fucking cookies yeah
away from these cookies
i do a benefit at the at the garden guess what's in the gift box levain fucking
cookies you can't
escape they're killing me these cookies they're hunting you down they're
chasing you they're good
cookies though yeah but i wonder if you know you say uh she can eat one bite
and put it down
yeah we can't do that but is there a heroin addict who's like i'll take one hit
can is that possible or you have to just take i think they exist i think there's
people who have
like i have a friend who like tried crack and he's like not for me i'm like i
didn't know you existed
he's like no it's fine but not for me but i knew a guy who uh i don't know if
you ever met him
he used to come around the shows about this guy adam and he was like a degenerate
gambler like a chess
uh savant like he was ranked number two in the country as a kid he was like you
know there's
always something off about these guys yes he's in a bow tie on tv as a child
you know and but and
then he becomes a drug addict and he's in washington square park hustling
people for money like you know
for coke money total nut but uh every smart kid is a drug addict because they're
all too smart they
all look like they get bored they get bored that's what it is it's like um uh
rounders everybody grew
up with that worm everybody grew up with that kid who's like charming as fuck
super funny cool as hell
and he's like come on we got a game over here with the cops we can take them
and then you end up
getting beat up basically deniro mean streets everyone has that one like piece
of shit friend but
they're fun as shit the worst i'll tell you the worst part of the piece of shit
friend
their piece of shit friend oh you ever have them bring that guy around you're
like oh my god this
is like unbearable well it's all the charm no to the charm but with all just
the the degeneracy
you want to tell them like no you were my limit yes you're the further no this
guy was
anytime i do a gig in like ac he'd just be there yeah i guess any casino gig he
just happened to be
there he just looked at my schedules like someone i know here yeah he'd be shit-faced
yeah but uh
yeah he would he's the type of guy who would call me like uh yeah i just uh i
smoked crack last night
and i'd be like we've got to not do that and he's like i'm fine i'd be like
well clearly you're not
i know you're like not addicted yet but like it's not a good thing to do this
kid's got rage crack and
chess yeah that's a lot of range but i had a kid growing up called hunt his
name was hunter
shout out hunter his brother used to beat the shit out of him he was a tough
kid his dad's president
yeah yeah he was worse than biden he was like crazy kid fist fighting kid
whatever but he became the
treasurer of his college just to use the money so he'd get strippers he's
getting strippers and
hookers with college money and buy and blow with the college's fund that's kind
of legendary he was
a legendary i mean he was a psycho and and a night a nightmare to be around
because what's his last name
i don't want to say i'll bleep it i just want to look him up on linkedin work
he's not even in the
room right now okay i'll look him up but like once i we were at a house party
and there was this kid
we didn't like there and uh he goes hey greg let me fill up your beer and i
look behind me and hunter's
filling up his beer with the keg with his dick in the glass and we're all
laughing and then greg sees
it and he tackles so now we're in a big melee but that was him no that's not
him that's not him
you gotta go louisiana now you gotta bleep and uh yeah yeah we'll talk about it
later we'll talk
later but he i mean this guy was a funnagler he worked for dominoes so he'd
steal credit cards he
got the credit card numbers now he's buying fucking hi-fi uh speakers not him
either but you're getting
closer yeah this guy does look like more of a piece of shit right here yeah he
had that haircut that was
the swoopy the lego the lego echo my lego all right sorry yeah what are we
talking about i'm
sweating i ran here no that's not him either well get you we'll do it later you
ran i ran too in the
rain yeah i hate the rain and i hate it you know what here's a peeve the people
who are really slow
walkers in the rain i know now you're like having to sprint around people you're
doing it's like an
obstacle course not to mention the umbrella points are coming at you it's crazy
it's like a fire like
on guard or something i hate these people who are like kind of like trying to
get their way
mark and i for whatever reason we refuse to do umbrellas i don't like the
umbrella i don't do it
it's an extra thing to carry exactly and you're gonna lose it and then what
happens someone calls
me i i have no free hands ah you know boy this guy's gonna have a black coffee
you need the coffee
coffee coffee and phone i'm back on coffee baby whoa hey you all serve a glow
look i look i'm look i'm
still hurting but i i have been drinking and i've been back on coffee i'm like
you know what i'm gonna
eat there's no spicy foods yet that'll be the last one but you know all right
all right well how many a
day coffees i've had a few oh geez you're back on the wagon i'm back baby okay
damn juan valdez over
here i tried crack just once though i should i kind of i'm curious are you not
curious crack yeah i'm
sure we smoked it just like back in the day by accident you get a bad like weed
strain little
sprinkle yeah it's on the corner right now we live in manhattan i saw a guy
doing crack yesterday
actually really yeah in the village just see it i guess he's just in the you
know like a doorway just
sprinkling crack and he had the the little pipe and everything vintage man like
a throwback it was
david cross came in here and said i was in london and my friend was doing crack
and i was like i'll
just do crack that's right what the fuck is that but he said i get it he's like
i smoke crack he's
like i get it i get my people do it this is fun i guess that's worse though
right like it's better
to smoke and be like overrated yeah because at least then you're not going to
keep doing if you get
it you're those are the people that get hooked i think that's true although he
didn't he didn't
but you got to think pepsi pepsi does nothing but advertise all day every
baseball game every
commercial crack no ads still killing it every year we can't get rid of crack
sells itself sells
itself that's a good product it is there's really not much like that no no how
about this for an
idea this is a curveball why aren't advertise you know we have ads on buses ubers
back of a cab
baseball game it's every stadium is all ads cleavage no one has bought cleavage
space
this would sell more ads than anything wow come on you're not like a random
woman or are you a
poster of cleavage no no you meet a big-breasted lady you know you meet like a
red bull girl so
she'll give out red bull she's cute she's got a tight red bull outfit i'm
talking a sticker that says
clorox right here on the cleavage you'd say you got a hot lady every guy's
turning every woman hates
her but you know like a tad i think someone's done this with like tattoos yeah
but that's so permanent
no lady's gonna sign up for that yeah but how much is cleavage worth if it's
just one woman in
cleveland for like a fucking day and a half it's got to be permanent cleavageland
yeah yeah that's a
good point that's a good point it's got to be a permanent tattoo and and then
you're like all right
if you agree and it's got to be a warm weather weather uh climate you can't be
in the winter
or what's the point true but what about this hey you hire a woman for a day to
walk through like uh
enjoy wimbledon hey robert get in here buddy hey man good to see you sorry we're
in the middle of a
heated debate and we've also never met so nice to see nice to meet you such a
weird way to meet
how are you how are you we're big fans
sorry i'm a little
gotta fight it out
we were just i don't know if you want to slide right into this
let me slide right in i think it's a fair debate i he says there should be ads
on cleavage
there should be ads well there's ads everywhere and i'm saying you'd sell more
product if you hired
a woman to just write clorox on her cleavage because we're all looking anyway
but it's got to
be i'd say if you do it it's got to be a permanent tattoo and it's got to be a
warm weather climate
well but what if they're what if their logo changes ah that would be
problematic what logos have
changed really logos change coca-cola was all different before no it's same but
ups changed maybe
not coca-cola bad example you know what it's a weak argument you're right not
great well here's my
thing you hire a lady to walk through a crazy coachella uh uh wimbledon
anything where there's a
soccer thing especially like those remember that woman who used to run onto the
baseball field uh
at the all-star game morgana i don't remember yeah the kissing bandit the
kissing bandit you guys
are too young i don't know i remember this yeah organa the kissing bandit she
had enormous boobs
and okay he had if she had plastered a logo on the pepsi at least it would have
got to be famous
you got it's got to be like on lizzo's ass no she was famous but but they were
doing but they
but they blank her out though didn't they no there she is oh there she is wow
yeah see that caught my
eye i'm in baseball back then baseball was above that kind of thing but right
right gambling betting
apps you know yeah what do you think about this uh shohei otani thing that's
crazy right yeah i mean
he's just lying i i assume i mean you know i'm not i don't speak fluent
japanese i'm assuming
but if someone took 4.5 mil out of my account i'd like to think i would know
yeah the whole the whole thing of well also didn't the guy do a whole espn
interview where he
basically outlined the whole process and then he had to walk it back
hmm yeah fill me in i he was betting his uh he has to pretend a guy who bet 4.