Name: Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache
Uploaded: 2024-09-09T01:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-09. Transcript available.

Ep 196: Joe List & Sarah Tollemache

Hey we're here we might be drunk look at this we got old Sammy the bull as
usual then our special
guests the prom king and queen. Absolutely. Joe List and Sarah Tolobosh. Here
we are on opposite
sides of the couch the way we like it. Right. Couples therapy how is everything?
Two men in
between us the way I always used to have the bit about first class how you get
upgraded but you won't be able to sit together and you're like yeah we're okay
with it. Yeah no problem. Yeah. Also it's like it's really funny like I always
think when we don't sit
together if the plane like crashes that I can't be like can I sit next to my
husband while we die?
I would just yell. You have to sit separately while we're dying. Yeah. I would
just yell back I love you
whatever. Yeah. Well that happened a lot because I would buy so oftentimes I've
bought a ticket
before and then Sarah decides I want to tag along some bullshit so I'll get her
a ticket but first
class is already taken up and then there was one guy a big Texas guy was like
because I was already
in my seat obviously and Sarah got on half an hour later. Yeah. And I was like
hey I love you and he's
like now I'm out of believe that's your wife going back there and I was like
yeah you know and he's
like in Texas that wouldn't fly man you don't let your wife and I was like well
she's from Texas
and you can blow why don't you give her your seat. Aha. Yeah. Good point. Give
her your seat you're from Texas.
This is a good internet argument. That is good. Well people think it's crazy
and then Sarah only just recently got pre-check and I would leave her in the
dust there too. Oh that's
That's on you. That's on you. Yeah. Gotta get it. To get it set up beforehand
was so annoying like I just didn't feel like going to a Staples.
That's how I felt too. Yeah but now I did it through Clear. Oh. So you can just
do it at the airport.
Oh wow. I had to go to Staples. You waited it out. I waited it out but it took
like years. I think I went to the DMV. I think I did the really shitty way.
Yeah I went to a place like the pre-check place and it was fine. It was easy.
But it is a game changer. Oh it's huge. But what about when you see the pre-check
line it's longer than the other line and you're like how did we get here? Well
now there's the other one. I don't even want to mention it because I want the
line to stay short. But you know about. Yes. Yeah yeah yeah. Bleep that. You
gotta bleep that. Well we keep giving more. You got the fingerprint. The iris.
It's gonna keep. There's gonna be a new thing in the year. Yeah. I don't care.
I gotta tell you. Yeah my balls. I'm a bad. Dip your balls in the little
thing. I don't care about it. The government. I've always been like this even
going back to George W. Bush. I've always been a bad liberal. That's a bad word
now. That's like the N word. The liberal. But whatever. A bad leading left
person because ever since day one I'm like read my emails. Listen to my phone
calls. Watch me fuck. I don't care. If I can get on the airport faster I don't
care. If you read my text I feel bad for you. Yeah. Because it's just a lot of
dark horse shit. Let the government read all my shit.
we're putting it all out anyway you got the phone you gotta find my iphone they
know where we are
they know what gay club you're at whatever tick tock knows who you are to a t
who tick tock oh yeah
there were the covet there were the covet people who were like i'm not i don't
want the government
because they were you know knocking on doors for people to like get the vaccine
like i don't want
to get the vaccine and so they know where i am it's like they knocked on your
door they found you
they got you already right well there is a microchip in it obviously but yeah
anyways we
have but i want to in my defense we have a baby and when we would fly because i
had clear and pre-check
i would take the baby oh so i'm not a complete monster yeah all right i guess i
am because that
remember we went to london yes we got it we me and him did a tv show in london
they got us free
first class tickets and the wife was like i want to go to london and i was like
all right and it was the same thing so she sat in the way back of the plane and
i'm in the
international first class yeah it's a whole nother ball game and that was a
fight you bring her back
in a roller i did i gave her a pat of butter just the butter but yeah that was
a that was a rough
plane ride yeah what can you do six hours later we made up well she should grab
herself by her bootstraps
stupid pregnant asshole yeah this is pre-pregnant well good point that was a
great time great trip
horrible tv show you keep saying that cut that well the show shows fantastic
five years ago i've ever
been on in my life are you kidding me no no it was really bad piece of shit it
was trash it's a bad
show it was bad and but they boy they they whipped us into shape i remember i
showed up you're like
you're in for it fatty they're gonna kill you and i hadn't done a lick of work
no it was crazy i had to
hire a writer they're like yes they they work there i don't know i showed up
with two jokes they're like
you need nine jokes per topic it was crazy i was working around the clock it
was horrible 10 to i
stayed up all night i did all night or i crammed all day i had books open like
at midnight back in
the day remember that yeah yeah it was like that times 10 for like oh two weeks
i never did at midnight
but that show was uh it was a lot of work but they did pay it is like classic
us though they're like
we're gonna give you a shitload of money to come out and do a tv show we're
like all right i'm i'll
do it i'm not gonna do any work though yeah i'll just take the trip we're comedians
remember that
breakfast though at that hotel that was something else unbelievable i like the
international lounge
you get the the beans with the eggs i kind of like oh i hate the international
lounge it's just
different it's just it's different yeah i don't know but it makes you realize
we're number one baby
we got a croissant and uh which i guess is french but we got uh we got all
kinds of good look at this
pile of miscarriage over here that's an english breakfast you got that right
yeah that's all brit
that's uh that's what sarah sarah's mother makes sarah's mother's british did
you guys know that oh
sorry oh that's right all right can she cook no yeah well i want to say she
does really good
salads but she is this sounds so horrible but she doesn't season anything yes
they everything
the steaks are dry yeah yeah bad food bad weather bad teeth vaginas are bad too
dry yeah dry vaginas
the whole family it rains so much get a little moisture down there on social
media no we're okay
yeah but look at that sorry i've told i tried to do this on stage and it never
really hits the way i
want it to hit but this is a story about sarah's mother when sarah's father
passed away r.i.p my
mother sent a fruit basket like a big fruit basket to the house and we're all
hanging out thoughtful and
after like three days sarah or sarah's sister's like ma why don't you open the
fruit basket she
goes oh no that's joe's his mother sent it oh wow her mother joe needs his
fruit right now her
mother thought my mother was like get joe's fruit he's got to have his scrapes
or else it has to be
the basket too that's wild which gave me a window into sarah i'm like is that
this is how you were
right like your mother has such low self-esteem she's like i can't open that's
gotta be i don't want to be
a bother yeah it's probably like the motto of english even though they colonize
everything she
thinks your mom she thinks your mom's just sending you a basket of eighty
dollar pears
just somewhere you go just always eating pears
pears a pussy oh yeah dude yeah i hate a fruit basket you ever gotten an edible
arrangement
no it stinks all right it's just like mangoes on sticks and stuff well it just
would go stale i would
assume with flies around it oh yeah yeah it's bad now they got these uh boxes
of food they send you
and they put like an ice cube in the bottom okay but the ice cube always melts
and the food goes bad
well that's like one time joe for a podcast factor sent on factor they sent in
all this food but we
weren't home because they didn't reach out and it just went it went stale on
our doorstep like a
thousand dollars worth of food i i got it sent to me and it was out there for
like a month and it's still
delicious factor you guys are crushing it factor rules it's the best we love it
love factor
sarah sorry we blew it you should call ahead of time to let us yeah a week's
worth of food is coming
they might have i probably ignored it yeah good point look at that that looks
it looks like a lot
see when hobos get hip to factor they're gonna be eating like kings they're
gonna they're already
porch pirates stealing everything when they find a factor box that's that's
food for a week
porch pirate you need a microwave don't you no hobos they need out of the trash
they're not gonna be
like oh this is uh this is gonna need a microwave oven they're eating garbage
all right what is that
factor oh i was just gonna say porch pirate sounds like i i i clammed up it
sounds like a slur i was
like oh jesus like a gazler it does that's a pirate but pirates sorry pirate
classic i guess black yeah
there is a black one that's close yeah oh geez all right yeah that one's
actually worse than pirate
yeah yeah yeah pirate doesn't sound that bad it sounds kind of fun
absolutely discovering new oh hey matey a butthole awaits it's kind of fun
you pull out the telescope and then you put it in him a vast g penis yes hey
look at that butt pirate
there you go pillow biter is pretty clever whoever came up with pillow biter
that guy deserves a high
five i never heard that one what pillow biter yeah but pillow biter could also
be a woman
or you know whatever true whatever's biting the pillow well a cocksucker would
be a woman too
absolutely right unlike sarah not me though no way maybe a birthday maybe
remember the uh hookup
coupons is that a thing oh yeah i've heard about that it's like a good it also
sounds like a good premise
right i mean yeah you know like this is good for one hand job one bj i don't
want my loved one
joe rocking them all up and i have to do them all in one night oh that's how
you should do it i would
just get tired yeah i got two pair over here sweetie some lipstick on yeah i
would get one of my
mom not a hookup one when i was a kid i was like here you go one free clean the
kitchen one hug you
know one uh foot rub you never did that no no i'm a foot rub what the hell yeah
i get my own all the
time great this is a pulp fiction dialogue i don't be tickling or nothing now
lewis and uh bobby did
that one year on you know what dude it was like a free foot rub coupon or
something there you go
so he got one and had to rub a foot a man's foot is appalling it's awful yeah i
can't i just can't
any anytime you yeah anytime i see a man's foot in like a sandal i'm like what
are you doing yeah
no take good care of your feet no no the toenails are out of control oh i could
catch salmon with
these things right disgusting i don't know why you guys don't like cutting your
toenails it's all
the way down that we're longer than you we're taller and less flexible you can't
get down there we're
not i don't like no we just don't maintain dude i didn't know you had to wash
your face until like
two weeks ago no i didn't wash my face seriously until i was in my 30s i i know
i just started like
i'm not kidding i i tommy pope mentioned it in austin and he's a handsome guy i
was like man
you got like great skin and he was like wash my face that i was like oh i know
i've never done that
he goes you've never washed your face like no i've never done it do i just go
to bed with chemicals
on my face i guess i don't know no but like in the shower i don't wash no i don't
get it yeah it gets
wet you get it wet i'm just i was good