Name: Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders
Uploaded: 2024-09-30T01:00:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-09-30. Transcript available.

Ep 199: Booze, Ballato, and Blunders

Hey folks, here we are, we might be drunk, a little gin and soda to get things
cooking.
Ooh, a little early in the afternoon.
Oh yeah. Don't you hate if it's five o'clock somewhere? I hate that line.
I hate that shit.
I never got that line.
You have a drinking problem, how about that?
Yeah.
Doesn't sound as good.
Yeah, I'm gonna blow a guy.
We're not well.
Next time I blow a guy, I'm gay somewhere.
Not here. I'm gay somewhere. I hate five o'clock somewhere. It's not clever.
Get out of here.
Yeah, he's a lady boy in Thailand, is he? I don't know what that means.
I'll take it. By the way, lady boys, they got usurped by trans.
Yeah.
I think they must be pissed.
In Thailand, they're actually at odds with each other.
Is that right?
There's a fight between them.
There you go! It's like Netflix and Blockbuster.
Yeah.
You know, the old one's gotta go.
We know who won.
Cockbuster.
Yeah.
I mean, the lady boy though, it's a little bit of both. You got a little both
in there.
That's true.
Trans, it's like we've transitioned.
Lady boy is like, I still got a little bit from the past.
Good point. You're kind of bi.
Yeah.
And a pedophile.
Now here's the other question.
Oh wait, are they a pedophile?
Well, no, but you said boy.
Oh yeah.
So I'm going, you're like young, and a woman, boy.
I'd go lady man if I was over that. I'd like a lady man. I don't want a lady
boy. What am I, a pedophile?
But that just sounds like a hermaphrodite.
Oh yeah.
That was the thing. Remember there was the urban legend, Jamie Lee Curtis, hermaphrodite?
Yeah, that's right.
That's definitely not true, but...
No, not with that bod.
She looked good.
She definitely went the right way if she had to pick.
Oh my God. Would not have been a good man.
No, no. That true lies scene would have been ruined.
Oof.
Wait, oh yeah, lady, hermaphrodite was dick and vagina.
Yeah.
Yeah, like the VCR DVD combo.
A little column A, a little column B.
Yeah.
It's like when you find out the PS4 has Blu-ray, and you're like, oh.
Oh, I sense alacused this.
Have you guys seen this controversy?
What is this?
Oh, this is hot.
So these cis gals who have OnlyFans are putting dildos in their short shorts.
And they're appropriating.
Yeah.
That's their controversy?
And trans women are calling them out, saying like, my gender is not your
costume.
And then a bunch of women chimed in.
They're like, neither is mine.
Oh.
So it's getting dicey on the old interwebs.
Either way, I came quick.
Yeah.
What's the purpose of the photo?
Well, they cleaned up.
They made a ton of money because apparently there's a market for this.
Interesting.
Cock market.
Like the stock market?
Okay.
The cock market is up.
I mean, so they're just like fake penises in there?
Yeah.
It's like a cucumber or something.
Jesus Christ.
Well, Sam's distracted either way.
I mean, it's just a lot to take in.
Sam got quiet.
I sent this to Shane, and he was like, I don't know how to feel.
I'm like kind of into it.
And then we all went, really?
Because it was a big group chat.
And he was like, no, no.
I'm going to leak that.
Damn.
That is fucking interesting.
The world's a weird place.
It's a wacky time, folks.
The president or ex-president was shot.
The head, Biden's on the beach.
Kamala's Indian and black.
I don't know.
What's going on?
J.D. Vance fucked a couch.
No, you nailed it all.
You know what's going on.
All right.
That's the thing, too.
It's like, you think about what was like taboo even 15 years ago.
Like, can you imagine your dad find a DVD?
Stepsister porn.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
That's true.
We'll have kids someday, and we'll be like, you know, chicks with dicks.
Yeah.
What the fuck is this shit?
Right.
And then in 10 more years, it's like, farmhouse, pals, you know, now you're
fucking animals.
My wife made a good point.
We're getting into Wife Swap.
Not the thing.
The show.
Oh, okay.
The old show from 2004.
I was like, holy shit, you guys are really going for it.
Yeah.
You want to break it?
There's a crazy Norman drop every week.
We're having a baby the next week.
We're fucking our neighbors.
Ha, ha, ha.
But she made a good point.
We're watching this.
It's a great show.
It's like, it's sociology.
It's like really interesting human nature stuff, because two families think
they're doing
it right, and then you flip, and they're like, ideologies are all torn apart.
Like the old school Chappelle.
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes.
But, where are you going?
Sandwiches here.
Ah, shit.
Damn it.
That was the fattest answer I've ever heard.
What are you living with sandwiches here?
He said it all sad, too.
Yeah, I know.
He didn't feel good about that.
But my point is, A, she was like, the middle class is gone.
The whole show is middle class.
It's like people with four kids, and some guy works at a factory, and he's got
four kids
and a giant house and two cars.
That's over.
And then, two, there's a lot of religious stuff and race stuff, and now it
would all be like,
hey, this is not a safe space.
I'm offended.
This is problematic.
There's none of that.
They're like, fuck you, bitch.
I'll kill you.
It's just people shitting on each other and ball busting and yelling at each
other, and
there's zero identity politics, or like...
It's just people who hate each other for them.
Exactly.
It's refreshing.
Now everything's got to be like, hey, don't insult my people, or that's against
my...
We're kind of post-race almost now.
Oh, 100%.
And post, you know...
It's like for everyone saying, like, this is how I am, this is how I identify,
most people
don't give a fuck.
No.
Most people will get to know you and hate you for who you are.
A hundred percent.
And they're okay with that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it's, you know, or they'll get to know you and love you for who you are.
But, like, I'm with you, dude.
It's like, no one cares.
No one really cares.
Only you care.
Right, right.
It's like, you do a thing like, well, this is who I am.
It's like, okay, well, you know who cares about that?
People who care about you.
Exactly.
If I don't know you, I don't care about you.
So I don't give a fuck.
I know.
Like, as a woman, as a BIPOC, and you're like, I don't give a shit about that.
And they're like, but you don't know how I feel.
I'm like, but you don't know how I feel.
Like, you're a different human being than me.
Get out of here.
Your feelings are more important than mine, and mine aren't more important than
yours.
And I thought the whole point was to be equal.
I thought that's what we were going for, was to be a colorless society.
I think if Martin Luther King had his dream today, it would be, I have a dream.
No one cares.
Yeah.
We'd never get to it.
Yeah.
I had a dream.
Why would I care about your dream, dude?
Yes, exactly.
Was I in the dream?
No, I don't care.
I'm already tuning you out, dude.
There was a man with no face, and I was on a cliff in my old home.
Yeah, I don't care.
In Jersey, and you're like, shut up.
Who cares?
Move on.
Is there sex?
Get to the sex.
Yeah.
Sex dream I'll listen to, especially if I'm in the sex dream.
Yeah, that was the best.
Especially if that chick with the dick is talking about sex dream I'm in.
Talk about it.
Remember those days when a girl in high school would be like, I had a weird
dream about
you, and you were like.
I know.
What happened?
That was how bad we were at flirting.
Yes.
That was like how you feel it out.
We thought that was subtle.
Oh, yeah.
You were in my dream the other night.
They're like, all right, just fucking get to it.
Oh, yeah.
And I had such a low self-esteem, they're like, I think Christy likes you.
I'm like, no, she hates me.
They're like, dude, she had a dream about you.
And I was like, no, shut up.
I know.
If a guy says it, it doesn't sound as good.
No.
You were in my dream the other night.
Oh, my God.
I need a restraining order.
Yeah.
You got to stop taking Ambien.
All right.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Mazel.
Thank you, Peters.
Woo.
Oh, my God.
We're going out early.
Felt fucking bad about that birthday party, guys.
That was brutal.
Oh, tell us about your dinner.
We got to talk about this dinner.
I mean, can we all blame Gary for that?
Yes.
Because I wanted to leave the second we got there.
Well, set the table.
That's true.
No pun intended.
So, Gary Veder, one of my best friends in the world.
You guys know Gary, and you're best as well.
Yeah, great guy.
First guy I ever met in comedy.
We've had him on the show, friend of the show, killer comedy.
He tours with me on the road every week, and his hit thing on the road, if you
don't know Gary,
is like, I want every meal to be a home run.
Not just good, but he's like, we're eating at the best place in the city.
Now, the best place isn't always the most expensive, thank God, but it often is.
And Gary has hurt my wallet in the past.
Oh, yeah.
Because he'll be like, this place is great.
And you get to the restaurant, and he's like, it's supposed to be great.
And you're like, oh, cool, $67 entrees.
Thanks, Gary.
Yeah, right.
And then he's like, it's good fish.
And you're like, you fucking prick.
But that's like, you know, many days in a row.
We eat well, because it's important to him, and it's become a thing on the road.
Yeah.
And Gary goes, we're eating at this place, Emilio's Bellotto, on Houston.
And this is primo dago grub.
It is and it isn't.
I thought it was good food, but it also was like, there's better shit.
I agree.
I mean, reputation-wise, I mean.
Like, it's hard to get a table.
It's a lot of celebrities.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, and we didn't have a slouch table either.
We didn't have a lot of good people there.
You got to get up for Salacuse.
We were killing it.
We roll in there, and already, I'm kind of like, let's just go.
The vibe was bad.
The waiter was a prick.
Huge prick.
He was a huge prick.
Like, we get there.
He's like, you can get here when everyone's seated.
And we're like, all right, well, it's 15 people.
Yeah.
For 13, we can't see.
He's like, it's got to be all 15.
And we're like, all right.
Yeah.
It's like, is someone going to be using the table?
We're ordering drinks in this time, right?
Right.
But he was being a prick, and I was kind of like, you know what?
Let's just, he was, it wasn't just what he was saying.
It was the way he was saying it.
Yep.
He was kind of a trash bag.
A bit of a dumb wop.
And he gave me this one.
I go, hey, I'm just checking in for a big reservation.
He goes, how many?
I go, 15.
He goes, whoa, we'll see about that.
Yeah.
It was that type of, like, we're like, oh, cool.
This fucking guy's the waiter right here.
Yeah.
Holy fucking no nuts.
This is what a reservation is.
We're here.
We're here to eat.
We called ahead for this exact reason.
Well, we'll see.
Oh, it's the Seinfeld episode.
I know you know how to take the reservation.
It's the keeping of the reservation.
Exactly.
You have a problem.
So already he was a dick.
And he was a dick to Mark.
He was a dick to me.
And it was a thing where I was kind of like, you know what?
Fuck this place.
So I said, let's get out of here.
Multiple times.
You did.
My girlfriend's giving me shit.
She goes, you always do this.
I go, no, but I have no problem saying fuck this shit and walking.
I want to walk, whatever.
You should have walked.
I said, let's go to Arturo's.
It's a few blocks away.
Arturo's always treats you well.
Great pizza.
Love it on Houston.
Gary's like, but you know, this is special.
Gary's kind of like, this is special.
I made this.
And it's like, all right, I get it.
I understand.
Let's go here.
And he put the work in.
He put the work in.
It's hard to call every comic and set it up.
And I'm grateful for it.
And I love you, Gary.
I do.
But I got a really bad vibe out of the gate.
Yeah.
We go in there.
They're just like, you know, we'll bring.
How about we just bring out a lot of stuff?
Yeah.
It was another where Gary fucked up.
He goes, bring the hits.
He said, bring the hits.
Which they go jackpot.
He said, do you want to see a menu?
And Gary said, no, just play the hits.
But you know, when someone says that, it doesn't say, bri