Name: Ep 203: Whitney Cummings
Uploaded: 2024-10-28T01:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 203: Whitney Cummings' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-10-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 203: Whitney Cummings' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-10-28. Transcript available.

Ep 203: Whitney Cummings

Oh, hey, we might be drunk.
We're here.
Happy Halloween.
The hot one, baby.
Oh, yeah.
She must work out.
I'm trying to think of some lines from that scene.
We got no food.
We got no money.
Our pets' heads are falling off.
That meme was big with the Haitian cat hoopla.
Oh, that's good.
Haitian cat, that's your next whiskey.
Oh, I like it.
It doesn't have like a little kick to it.
Yeah.
Cat, you got to like start to add.
You're right.
Strains.
What do you call it?
Strains?
Spinoffs?
Yeah.
Strains.
Strains.
Strains is dark.
Yeah.
Spinoff.
When you have like, Absolute had the regular and then they had the strawberry
and the peach
and the...
Oh, yeah.
It's another line.
Lines.
Lines.
A new line.
Yes.
You know, Hulk Hogan was originally offered the George Foreman grill?
No.
And he turned it down.
Wow.
He said, give it to that N-word.
That's his big thing.
The N-word.
Did you guys see...
Oh, yeah.
Did you guys see the Vince McMahon?
Oh, I saw the first one.
The first episode.
It's so good.
I haven't seen it yet, but I love it when a meme is already huge before it's
come out.
When he's going...
Yes, yes.
He's got a Giffy Sari where he's just like, what question was that in response
to?
It's incredible.
That wrestling world is just such a circus of like spray tans and steroids and
drug addicts
and pillheads.
It's a wild...
It's a plastic surgery.
Just on him alone is bananas.
The best part is that he gets basically Me Too'd and everyone's like, oh, he's
finished.
And he comes out this night to like...
Yeah, look at this.
Is this the night?
This is how he walks out.
It looks like he was just a P. Diddy's freak-off.
Can you get the music too?
The music's the best part.
Are we going to get...
Oh, that's a good time.
Is that like a...
The song is just called No Chance.
Man, what a walk.
He looks...
He's walking like Meek Mill.
Bieber after Usher.
Oh, yeah.
That capacity of him.
By the way, it's just out there, I guess, now that Bieber got plowed by like 50
black
guys, I guess.
What did we think was happening?
We were all hard on him.
So were they.
And I now, look, we've been through Me Too, it backfired, people won't hire
women anymore.
Great job, Amber Heard.
Hilly, you're here.
And thank you.
Well, people think I'm trans, so that's...
No one thinks you're trans.
Really?
Who said that?
I don't know.
So, I've read it.
So, I...
And don't...
I mean, let's like go with it.
I want to get...
I want to keep working.
I want to get spots at the cellar.
Let's say I'm trans.
But wait, what was I just...
Wait, what was I just about to say about that?
Oh, Bieber.
You know what?
There's something, and I don't mean to laugh because it is sick.
When a woman is like hugged too long at a Christmas party, we shut down and
have like a parade
and everyone has to like wear the same hat.
Right.
When a boy gets molested, no one cares.
Nobody cares.
No one cares.
People think it's like funny.
Yes.
You know what I mean?
A hundred percent.
That sounds like my purse when I walk down the street with all my pills.
And that sounds like my uterus after I had a kid.
So, it isn't...
I mean, what did we think was going on with Bieber?
Why was...
Right.
Why is anyone signing a...
First of all, why is anyone entertained by a 13-year-old at all?
Like, I don't see a 13-year-old and I'm like...
Some people think they're hot.
That's true.
It's absolutely that.
Yeah, that's it.
It's all it is.
Like, when, you know, did you see the iCarly documentary, the Nickelodeon
documentary?
Yes, yes.
When you're like, okay, are you telling me that there are casting sessions
where 13-year-old
girls go in and sing and dance?
Yeah.
Because on some level, you know they're hot.
Yes.
Or they're going to be hot.
They're pretty hot.
Name one ugly Disney star or...
Yeah, but no one's fucking a kid because they're going to be hot.
They're not talent scouts.
They're hot now.
They're pedos, yeah.
Yeah, they're into it now.
They're not like, someday this is going to pay off.
Yeah, it's not an investment.
They're going like, this person's a star.
Okay, there's an uggo kid.
That's one to Whitney.
You know, this is...
Thank you.
But not ugly to certain gay men.
I mean, that is...
That's true.
You know what I mean?
More pushing for the pushing.
That's Josh Peck.
Is he the one who got molested?
No, no one's touching that, plumpy.
Good.
There we go.
Cheers, Whitney.
Woo!
Hey, it's a 13-year-old.
But that kid...
We're time to toast.
When someone offers that kid candy, he's saying yes.
You know what I mean?
Like fish in a bag.
Yeah, but then the pedos are like, he ate too much.
I'm turned off.
Yeah, yeah.
That's good.
He's in a sugar coma.
They don't have to waste a roofie on him.
But to your point, how about all these teachers out there who are like, fuck a
13-year-old
boy in Florida and everybody's just high-fiving.
No one's worried about the boy.
Totally.
But another thing I will say is, I guess this is the podcast where I come
forward with all
my flaws.
How many times a day, by the way, do you say it was a different time?
Probably four or five times a day for me.
Same.
I was obsessed with one of my teachers in high school.
And you would have done it.
Yeah.
Oh, consensually.
Absolutely.
Yes.
I was like a sexual predator in high school.
It's like, because it's also for women, like girls, whatever.
When I was growing up, like if you grow up poor, like dating an older guy is
not, your
family wants that.
Right.
Like he can pick you up from school.
He can, oh, I don't know, 35?
I don't know.
When you're 14, everyone's like 35.
That's true.
Right?
That's true.
I was like, I don't know if it was just the fantasy or the authority of it or,
you know what
I mean?
Yeah.
Him talking about slavery and history class.
I don't know what was turning me on, but there's something.
I know so many girls that dated their college professors.
Oh, wow.
Really?
Every Woody Allen movie for a period.
Yeah.
Correct.
Every Woody Allen.
My high school theater teacher gave the exchange student AIDS.
No way.
Not an A.
Yeah.
AIDS.
Yes.
Holy shit.
She did get a D in there.
Wow.
Gave them AIDS.
I mean, you got to pass her after that.
Yeah.
And we all wanted to, I mean, I talked about this on my podcast with Kate Siegel.
I don't know if you ever watched like Haunting of Hill House or those shows on
Netflix.
She's a girl that I went to high school with who was kind of like my nemesis.
We were both in theater class and we were both trying to like get the theater
teacher to fall
in love with us.
And she's really successful like in the horror space as an actress.
And we did a podcast together and we talked about it.
We were like, we were fully like groomed by this guy.
We were obsessed with this guy.
You know, because I think at that age, you think like my theater teacher can
like put
me in movies.
Yes.
That's true.
Do you know what I'm saying?
I mean, his home movies.
I'm a survivor.
I lost my virginity to a hooker when I was 16.
So I guess technically-
But you paid for it though.
You paid her.
Yeah.
It was free.
She didn't charge me.
And look, I was into it.
I was the king of high school for six months.
You're not a survivor.
You're a fucking legend.
I'm a legend.
But I'm saying if it was flipped, if I was a lady and that was a guy, that guy
would be
in jail.
I read about this where the bit is how I saw a headline that said, cougars in
the classroom,
the alarming rate at which teachers are now sleeping with their students.
Yeah.
Like that's how, that's how much worse it is when like women do it.
It's not a crime.
You never see a headline like, fuck, I'm going to fuck up my own joke.
Silver Fox Dilf.
Ah, right, right.
It's cougar.
You know, priest fucks again.
Yes, yes, exactly.
You know, hottie Boy Scout master.
You know what I mean?
I'm fucking up my own shit.
That's a good point.
If you're a teacher at this point, like every moment you might get shot and
killed.
Maybe it's just like, these are like, oh, good point.
Teachers are like now.
They're living on the edge.
Yes, yeah, might as well live it up.
Totally.
I don't know.
But also teachers now, I mean, they're kind of becoming, there's a lot of
amazing teachers,
at least where I am in California, which is part of the reason I'm going to
leave.
They're all like activists.
Wait, you're leaving California?
I might.
Whoa, that house?
You're going to leave that house?
I have to.
Wow.
I have to.
You could have had like a Sunset Boulevard, like cool ass.
Death falling down my spiral staircase.
Every time I walk down that spiral staircase, I'm like, I will perish.
This is how I will die for it.
It's such a cool place.
That's so nice.
Thank you.
I appreciate it.
It really served its purpose during the pandemic as a rehab where everyone relapsed.
Don't tell me you're going to Texas, too.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
You know what?
I love Nashville.
My mom is from Texas originally, so I kind of like grew up there a lot.
I love Virginia.
I love Pennsylvania.
There's one you're leaving out that's a pretty cool city.
I'm looking upstate New York, Hudson Valley.
Whoa, mama.
But I'm going to say something.
Please.
I'm not really scared of anything.
Okay.
Do you think I'm scared of anything?
Maybe getting AIDS from a teacher would be scary.
Yeah.
No, I would have loved it.
At that time, by the way, that's when, have you heard the conspiracy theory
that Magic Johnson
didn't have AIDS?
No.
I'm so into this one.
He's still alive.
I know that some like pharma company paid him to whatever, like pretend he had
AIDS.
What?
I just kind of hope it's true.
Easy E.
That one, I believe.
Oh, and that Stevie Wonder wasn't blind.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
He did die from it, didn't he?
That's what I'm saying.
Did he die from something else?
That's why I believe it.
He died from AIDS.
But wait, you're a woman.
Yeah.
Let me ask you this.
If we're talking about, oh, sorry.
Can I just do this one thing?
Loop it up.
She's not a woman according to Reddit.
Go ahead.
I'm a woman and I'll forget.
Can I get some ice?
What are we doing here?
We've got to chill.
You just gave us the ice for the shaker.
Oh, I see.
I'm legitimately scared of Lyme disease.
It's the one thing.
I don't, I'm not like, I live with coyotes and rattlesnakes.
That makes sense.
I'm in California, just chock full of pedophiles.
But like Lyme disease, I can't tell if it's a fake disease.
It's real.
That actresses pretend to have when their mouth is offing.
Or if it's a real thing because you, like Avril Lavigne was out for four years.
Her brain just.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Don't be a hater, boy.
Craig Fitzsimmons' aunt had it.
She had to be on a drip for like 20 years.
So I just did Montauk with Ari and he got bitten by a bunch of ticks and he
couldn't eat red meat for like two months.
Jesus.
So it's no joke.
So Rogan's not friends with him anymore?
That's the punishment?
You just have to eat fish or something?
That's not that bad.
For some reason, if you eat red meat, you get wildly sick.
Flamed or something?
Yeah.
So he couldn't have red meat.
So when I invited him to the strip house, he's like, I can't have red meat.
I can't come.
Because I have Lyme disease.
Yeah.
But he kicked it.
So he was.
Oh, shut up.
Sorry.
You just said.
Well, I was going to say, we're talking about young people fucking them.
Now, you're a lady.
Leonardo DiCaprio fucks 25 and then cuts it off.
We all know that.
Yeah.
And every woman is annoyed by that and hates it and calls him a creep.
But can he just be attracted to young women and not be an asshole?
Can I stop you for one second?
Please.
Because you said all women say this.
Not all women.
Just the annoying ones.
I've heard a lot on the internet about him being a piece of shit.
Okay.
I don't think there's anything wrong.
First of all, we don't know that he's breaking up with them.
We don't know.
There's a pattern.
Okay.
But also, I just do believe.
I have no, like, I'm not defending them.
But, like, child stars are, like, stunted, I feel like.
Yes.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
He at least 