Name: Ep 205: Kenan Thompson
Uploaded: 2024-11-11T02:00:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 205: Kenan Thompson' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ep 205: Kenan Thompson' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-11-11. Transcript available.

Ep 205: Kenan Thompson

Yo!
Hey, hey, we're here, we're queer!
You might be drunk.
Sorry, a little semen.
No sleep last night.
Why, why not?
I don't know, you know what I think it is?
I was just laying in bed, 6:00 a.m., looking at the sunrise.
I watched the garbage men come by, I waved at them.
'Cause you don't have any fucking blinds.
Well, it's that, but I couldn't fall asleep at 2:00 either, or 3:00, or 4:00.
There's a theory, 'cause A, I ran out of sleeping pills.
There's a theory that sunlight keeps you up when you're trying to sleep?
Well, I couldn't sleep at midnight at 1:00 a.m., it was dark then.
Yeah.
But my theory is I got a new house, I got a baby on the way, I've been on the
road.
Love the house, by the way, incredible.
Thank you.
Writing jokes, traveling, podcasts.
All I do is listen to podcasts and watch YouTube, so I never had a moment to
think.
And I think last night my brain was like, "We got you, we're gonna think right
now."
Like, you're gonna spiral for seven hours.
It's funny that you block out your thoughts with pods.
You're blocking your thoughts out with other people's thoughts.
Oh, completely.
Yeah, but usually I would do something even more escapist, like a movie or
something.
Yeah.
I can't do pods, unless it's certain pods.
Well, I go all over the road, but to me it's just, you block out your bad
thoughts.
Like, you know, you're walking around the subway, you don't wanna just have
nothing going.
I like to have a stimulation of some kind.
Something's good.
Yeah, I feel calmer with noise.
Yeah, so you're not sleeping, is the wife sleeping?
She's out like a light.
That's even more annoying.
I know.
Because you wanna like flick her ear and you're like, "Oh, you're up too?"
You just wanna do, you don't wanna be alone, I know those moments.
Yeah.
I'm the last one to sleep always too.
Yeah.
You kinda do feel like the man of the house, you're like, "I'm protecting, I'm
watching."
You know, every crack and creak, you're like, "What was that?
I'll go kill him."
But it does suck.
I mean, you wake up and you're like, "Gah."
But you got no sleep either?
No sleep, watch the movie that I was telling you about it.
This weird British movie, The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover.
I'm just scrolling on Amazon and they got this movie and I'm like, "Oh, this
looks weird.
Never heard of it."
Tim Roth, Michael Gambone and Helen Mirren.
I look it up, it's got crazy good reviews.
Wow.
It was NC-17.
Whoa.
They threatened it with a rated X.
Whoa.
'Cause it's crazy sexual.
Yeah.
It's weird as fuck.
It looks gorgeous.
I mean, look at these colors and shit.
It's like Kubrick almost.
Yeah, it's dark as, it's crazy 'cause there's like literally Helen Mirren's
bush in every
other scene and all you think about is the violence.
Whoa.
So anyone who complains about the nudity is like a psycho.
Right.
But it does open on a scene where I'm like, "Yeah, I'm shocked."
Whoa.
I mean, look at it.
This guy's a piece of shit in it.
Whoa, man.
Yeah, he's in.
It's pretty dark.
I'm in.
Yeah, it's pretty weird and it opens with-
Jesus.
They're torturing a guy, dick out, covering him in shit.
And you're like, "So I guess this is the bad guy who's torturing him, you know?"
Whoa.
Yeah.
But it looks cool as hell.
Yeah.
But yeah, I mean, I guess in America, this is so classic America.
They were like, "Fuck this.
It's pornographic."
And then in England they were like, "This is a social satire."
They were mad 'cause it was like making fun of natural.
Oh, interesting.
They thought it was mocking the government.
Wow.
So I guess, yeah, it's layered and weird.
Look, there's parts that aren't exactly for me, but pretty crazy.
I'm in.
I mean, it looks cool.
It's circus.
I can't call it a wreck 'cause some of you might be like, "Sam, you're a sick
fuck.
First Speak No Evil, the Dutch version of this."
Yeah.
I hear ya, but-
Well, you're becoming like Epstein with movies.
You have to keep upping it.
'Cause you watch so many movies that you're like, you gotta speedball it now.
You can't just have weed or coke anymore.
You gotta do heroin and crank.
Well, this is a 14-year-old.
This is some dicey stuff.
This is it.
Yeah.
No, this is pretty wild.
Her tits are underrated, by the way.
Oh, she looks great.
It's also weird 'cause you see like a nude Helen Mirren and you're like, "Oh,
that's just like a naked woman."
Yes.
But now it's like every part of the, like, you know, Brazilian butt lift.
Yeah, tattoos.
Fake tits, yeah.
Six-pack.
She looks good naked.
Pull her up.
Big bush, too.
Like, holy shit.
That's how you can date a movie right there.
Yeah.
Like, late '80s.
That's true.
Now it's like-
Oh, that is a woman.
I like a woman.
Give me a curvy whore any day.
Whoa!
Man, that's full gash.
She's got-
That's a hatchet wound right there.
She hung gash in a lot of movies.
I mean, she's-
And she aged well, too.
Yeah.
She almost got better looking in age.
Yeah.
Wow.
I love that we're praising her being a natural beauty.
She must have done some shit, but-
Probably, but-
But she looks great.
Great.
It looks more natural.
Whoa, is that-
She's blowing a guy in Caligula?
I gotta watch that.
Damn, same.
Jeez.
Bring back the Patreon and just watch the nude shit.
Yeah.
Look at her in the lake.
My word.
Yeah.
Great bod, curvy.
Yeah.
This is what men want.
I had a-
At the baby shower.
Thanks for coming.
That was fun.
Thank you.
Thank God I got a comedy corner.
Oh, you gotta do it.
There's a lot of family corners and I was like, I got Liszt, I got Broussard, I
got-
Yeah, that's why-
Who else was in my corner?
Ruby, Sarah Tolomach.
Ruby, thank God, yeah.
That's why I chase those kids around.
That's my out.
I'm like, I don't wanna talk to my-
I saw you doing that.
I was like, what the hell are you doing?
I don't wanna talk to my uncle.
I'd rather, this is, at least this is easy.
Like, it's, uh, there's no mental work.
You were like playing soccer and tackling kids.
I was like, what the fuck is Mark doing?
And I was like, I put it together.
Yeah, I'm avoiding.
I realized you didn't wanna talk to people.
Yes, that's exactly right.
But part of me was like, he's gonna be a good dad.
Yeah, well, I like to roughhouse and all that.
But wait, what was my point?
I had a point.
Uh, oh!
So I heard a bunch of girls at the party.
There was a bunch of female maze people all hanging out.
And they were talking about blowjobs.
And I got an ear in.
Yeah.
And one girl was like, you gotta do the swirl.
The swirl is big.
And then the other girl's like,
what you gotta do is tease around the ball.
And I'm like, you cunts don't know shit.
You don't, you're talking about what women want.
Women want the tease, the going slow, then speed up.
We just want the action.
We want the meat.
I feel like, uh, women think, uh, all this movement is cool.
Like up and down the shaft with the corn on the cob.
Just blow me.
Yeah.
I mean, I hate to say it.
I know it's not romantic, but it's like-
The tongue in the ass ain't too shabby either.
No, no.
But that's-
But then they come up with a kiss afterwards.
You're like, damn it.
I deserve this.
I got what I wanted.
And this is what I-
Oh, yeah.
The old Brooklyn smile or whatever they call it.
The pepe le pubes.
Pepe le pubes.
Pepe le pubes.
That's not bad, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, it's, uh, it is funny to overhear them.
Cause you're like, yeah, you know just as little as we do.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's like-
I mean, maybe I'm sure it feels good, but it's not like-
Yes.
Guess what?
Although, have you ever gotten a really bad blow job?
Yes.
It's shocking.
It's like, you fucking, you got your mouth on my dick and this is bad?
Oh, good point.
How are you fucking bad at this?
That's true.
And then sometimes they'll chomp on it a little to be playful.
I'm like, nah, don't play.
This is work.
This is a blow job.
You're at work.
You gotta, you gotta put the-
Braces.
But, uh, no, it's, uh, I know what you mean, dude.
Like the bad blow job is, it is a shocker.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, all this extra stuff.
It's like, you know, girls are like, you can put an ice cube in the mouth.
You're like, no, come on.
Yeah, that's what the dick responds to.
Freezing cold temperatures.
Yes, exactly.
And enough, it ain't broke.
Yeah.
Don't, don't try to fix it with an ice cube or a tongue ring or whatever.
Just stick to the fundamentals.
Like a white basketball player in the fifties.
No 360 dunk.
Don't try to alley-oop or anything.
I was with you until it said white basketball in the fifties.
That wasn't exactly peak basketball.
Well, I'm just talking it's-
That's all it takes?
Yeah.
Well, yeah.
I'm just saying, give us the lob.
The underhand.
The underhand.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Put it in the hole.
Dude.
I love, uh, yeah.
I love like a, when you get a bad one, you're like, how is this fucking
possible?
I know.
It's crazy.
But it's happened.
But then sometimes you get someone who's so good that you're just like, where
the fuck
have you been studying?
I know.
Where did you pick up this level?
Sometimes you just want, you want to assume it's just a gift.
Yes.
You're like, 247.
He's done it that many times.
Something crazy.
Yeah.
College.
College was old.
She went to three different colleges, met a few NFL teams.
Who knows?
Hey.
Wow.
Burps are in sync.
In sync.
Good band.
Speaking of, how about that One Direction guy?
Oof.
That really went, uh, One Direction.
That went the wrong direction.
Yeah.
Thank you.
We're bad.
Well, we're really in sync this episode.
He was in that movie Gravity.
Hey!
How's it going, man?
What's shaking?
Oh, we met, but not really met.
He's getting peripheral.
Yeah.
Yes.
Sit down.
We got you right here?
Yeah.
This is Winnie.
Blind?
Yes.
One eye, I think.
Oh, yeah.
You want coffee, alcohol, whatever you want.
Let us know.
I think it's from, uh, South Central, right?
It was like a street dog.
He's a street dog from, uh, probably not a good part of LA.
It's classic South Central.
Yeah.
It blinds everybody.
Oh, it's those dog fights, you know?
They get you.
That shit's real, man.
Hey, look at this.
He must be a champ.
It's like seeing your teacher at the mall.
street dog from uh probably not a good part of la classic south central yeah it
blinds everybody
oh it's those dog fights you know they get you it's real man hey look at this
must be a champ
it's like seeing your teacher at the mall you in the daylight i know right is
this crazy like
do you have the week off and then you're back on next week at the mall well i
try to get a hold of
michael chain he doesn't wake up till five yeah son of a bitch oh yeah no i got
kids so i'm always
okay yeah yeah yeah sorry what are you saying so you're off this week you're
back on next week or
yes yeah we just did a four in a row run and those are always kind of heavy
yeah that fourth show is
really taxing oh yeah it was a it was a good run man i mean i'm complaining
about four shows when
the fourth show was michael fucking keaton you know what i mean wow it was the
best so you know it's
all good a little bit of tiredness never hurt nobody you see him and you're
like this dude's got comedy
chops too oh yeah man he started as a stand-up yeah that's right incredible you
know he's in
michael michael douglas i should say yeah he's in beetle just for 12 minutes
that's how good he is
he steals it if you really count the run time i love that it's like when you
count up the actual
amount of football that's played right right i think that's 19 yeah it's like
45 seconds yeah yeah
now he's a beast and he's still got it 100 and still wants to give it like that's
one of my
favorites easter candy when he's just doing like quirky ass characters yeah he
did like night shift
back in the day oh yeah these comedies too he's so damn good he's he's the
actor's actor like he
really wants to like find it you know what i mean yeah support it you know what
i mean service it he's
just a good dude and him he's his he's my mom's like number one really i gotta
put a towel down
batman comes on oh my god mike keats oh she has an interesting take her him jeff
goldblum
g