Name: Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Uploaded: 2024-12-23T02:00:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-23. Transcript available.

Ben Schwartz - Sonic The Hedgehog 3

We're here with Ben Schwartz, he's promoting Sonic 3.
Whoa!
I know, it's crazy.
We're gonna open, wow.
You want another?
We'll do another.
Wait, we should talk, you just got back from roast?
Yeah, roasting the year.
How does it feel, the roast of the year
or the roast of the year?
Roasting the year 2024.
Okay, how do you guys feel?
Definitely not the roast of the year.
It was one of the worst of all time.
I gave him the brief rundown
that it was not good.
Yeah.
But I think it'll be edited to be, hopefully.
But you guys did well, you hit.
We did well, I ended horribly.
I fucked up the ending, but otherwise.
We thought it would be funny if we ended it
by being like, oh my God, we're gonna get canceled
and we pretend it and Mark picks up the phone
and then goes, oh shit,
Trump just made a secretary of agriculture.
Oh, that's good, that's funny.
It killed, we did it at the club and it killed
and then we did it there and it got,
we didn't have a phone, we forgot to bring a phone up
so the actor Simon Rex is in the front row.
So you asked for his phone?
Simon, can we have your phone?
He just gave us his phone.
Oh, that's cool.
And you still have his phone now?
Yeah, we took it back.
Yeah, we took it wet.
Very cool.
But it didn't work.
Are you guys able, if you have a good set,
how do you, 'cause it seems like you're both very chill.
If you have a good set, would you give yourself credit?
What would you say, we killed?
Or would you always say like, yeah, we did well?
We'd go, we got through that, that was good.
So you're never like, we crushed?
No.
Rarely.
'Cause even at a special--
Even when you feel like you did, you just can't say it?
No.
Why do you think that is?
'Cause there's always something wrong.
You can always find a--
You always feel like a fraud on some level,
where like if it's a special, you're like,
well now I gotta write a whole new act.
It's hard to celebrate the win.
So you can't even enjoy it?
I can't.
Wow.
I get that, I'm bad at enjoying things at the moment.
I'm always worried about the next thing.
'Cause you got a big movie up,
you gotta go on a press tour, right?
So you're like, fuck.
That sucks.
The press tour?
Yeah.
Great, this is amazing.
This is the very last thing on the entire press tour.
Hey!
I've been doing press for three months.
Yeah, you seem wiped.
I'm sick, I don't feel great.
International, he went international.
Yeah, we went to Brazil and London and LA and New York.
And this is it, we're ending, this is it.
We're ending, I can't wait.
This is amazing.
All right, well, hey, we're happy to have you.
I want this to be seven hours long.
I want us to really have a marathon.
We can do that.
Sonic is kinda, it's kinda crazy
it took this long to make a Sonic movie.
Are you a video game fan?
As a kid growing up, I liked it,
but I'm a younger brother,
so my brother would make me be Tails.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
So I was like, this game fucking sucks,
I'm not even on the screen, you know?
Right, right, right, right,
every now and then you lift Sonic up.
But then he'd leave and I'd get to play his,
and I'd be like, oh, this is kinda cool.
Oh, that is cool.
Legendary the best.
Turned into a little ball.
The best, come on, what are we doing?
I was younger brother too, I was Luigi.
I shot a CEO.
Oh yeah, there you go.
Oh no, got it.
Yeah, there you go.
Is he younger, is Luigi the young one?
I assume, although he's taller.
He's taller.
They're not twin brothers, right?
Mario and Luigi?
I don't know if they're twin.
I thought they were related.
They've gotta be brothers.
Give it a goop.
They're definitely, they're Super Mario brothers.
Oh, there you go.
How old are you supposed to be 43?
Okay, what's Luigi?
I was right.
God, this is a great question.
How old is Luigi?
What do you think their last names are?
Mario Mario and Luigi Mario.
Oh, right.
Is that right?
Luigi's 24?
Wait, so how old is Mario?
Wow, they look like shit.
That's a different mother.
Yeah, I thought they were like 48.
By the way, 24 and 26 were full mustache is crazy to me.
Well, they're bucking their wops.
This is crazy.
Huh, no one's the rest of it.
I was 24 years old.
Great.
So their last name is Mario.
Yeah.
I never knew that.
Mario Mario.
All right.
I don't know if Sonic has a last name.
This is really bringing up a lot of stuff.
Well, he's an animal.
He's a hedgehog.
Yeah.
Was that your game growing up?
Love Sonic, but I love role-playing games.
I love RPGs.
I don't know how much video games you guys play.
Like Metal Gear Solid type stuff?
Like Final Fantasy and Chrono Trigger and Legend of Zelda.
Oh, boy.
Like all that stuff I really like.
Get the vaginas drying.
Do you hear them?
Yeah.
What does that sound?
Give a sound effect.
Okay.
I've heard it before in high school.
That's another thing we cut from the roast.
The vaginas dry and act out.
Hey, I was a Warcraft guy.
You were?
Yeah.
Were you?
So you're a PC man?
Yeah, I guess so.
Did you play Diablo and all those things?
Nah, I never got into Diablo.
Warcraft took over.
Warcraft took over.
You were a big Warcraft man.
Yeah, my brother liked it,
so I played Tails.
Yeah, I played second fiddle to his.
He would go pee and go eat
and I would get in there.
I was just sports.
Warcraft was so intense
to just jump in for two seconds.
I loved it.
The orcs killing him.
How about Sin City?
Not Sin, Sim City.
Sim City.
Sim City is Leisure Suit Larry.
Remember Leisure Suit Larry?
Oh, do I?
Coonhound, he's Me Too'd by now.
That guy's finished.
He's gotta be done, right?
He's gotta be in jail somewhere.
Gotta be.
That was a weird game,
just the horny, chubby guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you were a kid.
You're like, I'm supposed to be...
Yeah.
It was very exciting.
I remember as a kid being like,
I can't believe they're cursing in a video game.
We're like,
he's trying to like flirt with women.
Does that say Wet Dreams Dry Twice?
Whoever's thinking of the titles is an absolute genius.
The spruce games are crazy now
because not only do you get to play as the players,
you get to be a GM.
That's right.
That is like,
as I'm older,
that's all I want to do,
by the way.
It's like,
I'm like,
I want to rebuild the Knicks.
I want to make some moves.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
As a kid,
it was like NBA Jam to like NBA Live.
NBA Live was one of my favorite series of games of all time.
I played every single,
every year I get a new one.
Yeah.
And people that play 2K right now
don't quite know that NBA Live was like everything
when you were a kid.
I don't know that.
I was an NBA Jam guy
and that's where I capped it.
NBA Jam's amazing too.
Yeah.
Razzle Dazzle.
Razzle Dazzle.
He's heating up.
Boom Shakalaka.
Yes,
Boom Shakalaka.
It is all in the shoes,
by the way.
Did you know that?
No,
I did not know that.
Yeah,
it is all in the shoes.
100% in the shoes.
Those shoes they wore,
like pull up,
like Walt Frazier would play in Pumas.
Really?
They would play in like Birkenstocks.
How did they last four years?
It's crazy.
All those old guys would play in like,
Converse.
Converse All-Stars.
Crazy.
That's the 80s.
Yeah.
Well,
you remember Jordan first shoe
was like the most uncomfortable,
like didn't he say like,
you'd get blisters.
Yeah,
like the beginning of when they're really
starting to figure out
how to make basketball sneakers.
Those are uncomfortable walking shoes.
I know.
And then you're like,
what the hell?
They're dunking with them.
Well,
it's crazy.
Back in the 40s,
guys worked in a factory
in like dress shoes.
They served in the war.
In dress shoes?
Ted Williams was a fighter pilot.
There you go.
Joe DiMaggio lost like,
three years of his prime
to just like,
be like a guy who would go like,
hit balls around for the troops.
Really?
He lost three years of his prime.
He had to come back and be like,
you know,
and you're like,
DiMaggio should have better numbers.
It's like,
he lost three years.
That's incredible.
I didn't know that.
Isn't that crazy?
That's amazing.
He served.
People served.
You were supposed to,
you got to,
that was like back in the day
when you got a bad look
if you didn't serve,
you know?
Ali,
Elvis.
Ali was gone for a bit.
Yeah,
those are right now,
those would be considered
streetwear sneakers.
Like you would skate in those.
I wouldn't wear those
because they're uncomfortable now.
I know.
You got to put a Dr. Scholz
in there just to walk.
Even look at the Adidas next to him.
Whoever's guarding him
in the bulls or whatever.
Those are the same.
Those are almost these,
exactly.
Yeah.
These are,
you like barely walk around with them.
Now they're wearing like pink,
neon green shoes.
It's all different ballgates.
The Flying Coach.
They weren't doing charter.
They were sharing hotel rooms.
Wow.
It's like the WNBA now.
I know.
They got their first year of charter
because of Caitlin Clark.
Oh yeah.
Congrats.
All right,
Clark Bar.
Good for her.
Clark Bar.
Finally,
a little reflect.
You're famous for making up
nicknames for WNBA players,
right?
That's my thing.
You have another one?
So Clark Bar,
who else do you have from WNBA?
Reese's Pieces.
There you go.
Angel Reese's.
Yeah,
Angel Reese's Pieces.
Did you guys do this on the roast
or no?
I cut a WNBA joke from the roast
because they said that they own the material.
I'm like,
I'm putting that in a special.
Oh yeah,
you have to be careful with what,
I used to freelance jokes for Letterman
and SNL,
we can update.
And if they use it,
I'm no longer allowed to say it.
They own it
and they're allowed to keep it for three months
and if they don't use it,
then I can take it back.
But I would always have to be careful
and not use anything
that I would want to use in a movie
or whatever.
So I wonder if that's the same for you guys.
If it's not your special,
do you want to use it
and waste it on a roast?
Is that something?
I wasted two bits on this
because I just want to make sure
that our set was good.
So I was like,
it's a P. Diddy joke.
I'm like,
how long am I going to tell this?
Right, right, right.
And then an Epstein joke
that I was like,
I never tell this.
There you go.
I'm seeing a theme with your stand.
I know.
Jesus Christ.
Kid fucking.
Jesus Christ.
Well, you know.
Take it down a notch.
called Standing Up, Falling Down.
Did you see that movie?
Shout out Pete Horry for writing that.
That was a good.
Pete is the best.
Pete Horry is the best.
Yeah, it's a good movie, man.
Oh, thanks, man.
I got to work with Billy Crystal.
That's awesome.
Stand-up legend.
Wow.
He was incredible.
And we filmed it in Long Island
right where he grew up.
Wow.
You were governors, weren't you?
Yeah, we were.
Whoa.
We did everything.
Yeah, yeah.
We did everything.
It was awesome.
That movie cost $1 million to make.
So we would like change in the car
or change in like the restaurant
we were going to film in.
It was crazy.
I can't believe you said yesterday.
It was amazing.
Yeah, it was a good movie
and it was like, you know.
I was a stand-up in that.
It had some darkness to it.
Well, making a stand-up movie
is always challenging
because Punchline,
they're all kind of considered a joke.
Yes, and my character
was supposed to be bad
at the beginning
and then better
and so we used tweets of mine
at the beginning
that were cheesy
and then slowly like started to.
Neil Brennan's tweets
at the end.
Right, better.
Yeah, yeah.
Wow.
Like shitty tweets by me
and then Neil Brennan tweets
by the end.
Yeah.
But that was fun.
It was also funny to go do,
you know, stand-up
but like do it over and over.
It's so different than
I started doing stand-up
when I first started comedy
and it wasn't,
I couldn't,
I did improv at the same time
and I was so drawn to improv
because when you suck,
you fail with everybody
and then when you succeed,
you succeed with everybody
and at the beginning,
you guys,
you guys know way more
about this than me
but it's like,
I feel like it's so lonely
at the beginning of stand-up
because you don't really know anybody.
Everybody has five minutes.
You have to bring people
to your shows.
It's like,
so you have to love it.
You would hav