Name: Nick Swardson with Sam Morril & Mark Normand
Uploaded: 2025-02-17T02:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nick Swardson with Sam Morril & Mark Normand' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Nick Swardson with Sam Morril & Mark Normand' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-17. Transcript available.

Nick Swardson with Sam Morril & Mark Normand

let me know when we start we're started oh you did okay hey hey hi yeah so you
walked up 16
flights to be here yeah claustrophobia yeah it's claustrophobia yeah yeah
really claustrophobic
keeps you thin it does i'm really really thin 16 floors folks 16 this must be a
problem for you
i didn't know it's an issue it's amazing it's the biggest issue in new york
yeah that's like the
everywhere else is easily accommodating but like the buildings and people are
really weird about
stairwells and like like the guy the guy when i was like oh i'm gonna take the
stairs and he's like 16
flights and i'm like yeah and he goes okay do you want you want to just take
the elevator and i go oh
no that's the point i just don't take elevators i'm really claustrophobic he's
like okay and then
so you want to get let in the stairwell and then how you're gonna go up it was
like literally people
look at me like it's just an i'm an insane person which is insane to walk 16
sure but i mean like the
people can never wrap their head around it they're just like why don't you just
take the elevator this
an issue it's like okay why don't you just not do heroin right right is this
hard in hotels on the
road yeah but i usually i'm you know i'll call ahead i'll make sure you know
what i mean i'll stay at
basic hotels i don't care yeah but does this hurt your career like what if you're
at the building
really held it back i was up for all the avatars and the not the last thing was
you had to take an
underwater elevator
mission impossible six dude he was taking over for your cruise oh my god philadelphia
yeah i had to get on
the aids elevator no damn it galifianakis has a similar thing he does i don't
think he can i remember
in kings of comedy or whatever that was called was it called comedians he's
white but uh he took uh
he wouldn't take the elevator i didn't know that i know zach really well pull
it up yeah you have a
new story about him in your in your hour it's hilarious oh yeah i've got a lot
of zach stories
one um there's one i didn't tell but um so zach and i used to live in new york
back in the late 90s
and we would do this thing when we we couldn't afford to go home for christmas
we'd be stuck here
for christmas and we would walk around and you know we're in our like early 20s
and just unassuming
just dorky guys and we would walk down the street and we would point to a guy
and it would have to be
one of the most intimidating just like thuggy mobster just anybody that just
looks like intimidating
and we would be like okay you got to go do it to that guy and so then we would
me or zach whatever
would walk up to this person and in the thickest like italian accent walk up to
him and go hey
how you doing you have a good christmas okay you have a good christmas we'd
shake their hand and
they would be so disarmed because it was so weird and they'd be like yeah okay
you too
it didn't matter who it was like that guy you got to get that guy that's fun
stuff
yeah it was debauchery just pure debauchery well they said in the old days uh
charlie chaplin buster
keaton would dress up like hobos and see who'd get more money that was their
day that's
fucking insane i thought they hated each other though pull it up no they didn't
they did that
final movie limelight together oh oh yeah there you go but i'm a big chaplin
fan huge i'm a big
keaton fan are you really oh yeah i always debate that with people they're both
great they're both
great yeah they're both great but the stunts are insane didn't keaton break his
neck on a stunt
yes he did which one was it do you remember i think it was something with the
train where he
hit like a bar it was a bar over the train and he hit it and broke his back he
fell backwards
yeah his technical stunts were insane chaplin i just think was a bad like a
better comedian just yes
physically and just he was just hilarious he has one of my favorite i was going
to bring this up
because you're talking about movies earlier sam one of my favorite movies uh
which is a deep cut
on chaplin is called the circus and it's one of his feature-length films and he
does a bit where
he's on a type rope and they just they just unleash like these spider monkeys
on him and so he's on
this type rope and he's got these monkeys and you know they have no idea what
the monkeys are gonna
do yeah so they're crawling all over him and like biting his nose what and he's
in character and he's
so committed and he's also on a type rope yeah and so but he's got these
monkeys yeah wait and
jimmy fallon can't go through a scene without breaking come on yeah this is i
can see the wire
yeah that like that's easy right right i mean obviously i'm sure that's
oh oh oh no what a premise this is like a squid game more than a comedy movie
yeah so there's just no idea what these what the fuck oh my god wow favorite
thing
what a badass yeah how scary that would be yeah you have no idea
this is pre the monkey ripping the lady's face off in the 90s
yeah did you watch that doc no i couldn't do it oh my god oh they're gonna bite
his dick aren't they
they eat him out yeah but how amazing is that wow that's crazy wow yeah keaton
can't do that oh
come on fuck him man he's the man no he's he's great he's funnier though but keaton's
more maybe more
impressive physically he's stunt wise yeah yeah the technical stunts yes wreck
by the uh from this era
dana ghoul turned me on to a great book called frame up about fatty arbuckle it's
insane oh wow
really framed it's incredible oh i want to yeah i'd love to read that it's so
cool i know chris farley
really wanted to play fatty arbuckle in a biopic it would have been so cool
yeah he was like obsessed
with it he really wanted that to be like a turning point for him so that would
have been really badass
yeah but the monkey thing you were talking about so i remember i was going to
do a bit about it but
there was there was another monkey story that's the one about um that's one
where he broke his neck
yeah hold on and spray oh yeah yeah yeah that's right i remember that the water
pressure falling on
the train tracks by the way yeah that's good he just broke his neck and he yeah
and he got right up
what an animal no worker's comp no benefits nope all right sorry no that's fine
mark it's fine monkey
monkeys is no so there was i didn't say oh sorry i heard it got jizz on the
brain yeah it shows on
the brain um yeah no there was a story that i was obsessed with about a guy it
was a couple that had
a monkey and i guess it was in a kennel i'm loosely paraphrasing but i guess
they went and brought the
monkey um a birthday cake it was a monkey's birthday and they brought the
monkey a birthday cake and this
is what was told another monkey they said got jealous that the other monkey got
a birthday cake
yeah and then attacked the guy holding the cake and then did what monkeys do
instinctively
ripped off his genitals bit off his fingers and his nose i guess that's their
go-to right their go-to
thing yeah yeah so like that's what he did to this guy and it's all because he
brought the monkey a
birthday cake which wow yeah you've got i don't know there's so many layers of
that of like i don't
know why you would bring a monkey birthday cake right is the monkey the other
monkey really jealous i
don't know how they know that and you think he'd attack the other monkey not
the guy who brought the
cake yeah well the monkey didn't do anything it was just his birthday i guess
so the guy who did the
thing you know yeah yeah it's also fire so the monkey's gonna panic about that
oh right fire but
here's the thing that the monkey did he blew out the candles and made a wish no
way that's how they
knew they found the wish and the wish was to eat a nose and dick sandwich there
was a lot more monkey
comedy i think that's gone by the wayside with pita we had like uh there was
that movie with alan
coming and he and then that that's what the doc is about the woman took that
monkey and kidnapped
that monkey what the monkey's like getting old alan coming was like part of
trying to find this
monkey because he bonded with the monkey what it's crazy it's a crazy story i
just thought he was
gay there's a whole doc there's a whole doc about it uh it's crazy what's it
called it's monkey
something that's on it's on max chimp empire yeah chimp crazy it's like the uh
tiger king for this
woman you're gonna hate this woman she's insane i already do i don't even need
to watch it yeah
yeah but like what what's the damn guy did tiger king oh there you go he's
really branching out yeah
this guy's found a niche blonde white trash people love animals then hamster
haywire
it's getting crazy gerbil nato gerbil nato oh gerbil nato with richard gear oh
too soon man god mark
you really jumped on that one 1988. fuck you're not afraid by the way his
career has never been the
same that really hurt his career right i don't think that's true mark he's
doing all right i don't know
well name me one richard gear movie in the last 10 years i think the gerbil
thing was out there for a
while though uh clearly it still is i'm telling you guys on mark's brain 24 7.
you all got the reference
yeah we did immediately that guy can't go that guy can't just walk into a petco
and look at
exactly you can't no nothing yeah if i were him i would do that i would just
double down triple down
i would be like one of those pied pipers like covered in gerbils just
constantly just rubbing
in people's faces and just cut a hole in your pants just uh just to trick
people you know he's moving
to spain maybe aha that's durable country i don't know about they don't know
that is yeah exactly it's
like woody allen going to london look at the autofill i just type richard gear
space bar and then the
first first first thank you you know his wife is jealous oh yeah before me his
wife in her inner
gerbil suit just look at that giant tube good god i've looked into this i think
you have to declaw them
if you're going to do that because yeah because they'll just tear you up from
the inside i don't
think you have to look into that to figure that out well i mean an amateur
would just get a gerbil and
he'd be done with it yeah damn amateurs a pro that's a sad reddit thread you
you looked up good god
the gerbil people who was wants any part of anal claws oh yeah i like that hard
now i'm hard now i'm
hard oh my god gerbil yeah so yeah elevators i fucking hate that's crazy has
anyone ever been like
not understood it been like what the fuck yeah non-stop yeah it's like it's
amazing
i don't understand why they have a stop button on an elevator do you know why i
don't know why
i'm actually asking that we got the google box why the why would you want to
stop an elevator maybe a
birth i feel like they only use no i think you'd want to expedite that that's a
good point it's
always in like a in like a movie like uh speed or heat or something right they're
like we got to get
out early you know something like oh the cops need it i feel like it's only
used for illegal things yeah
like we got to circumvent yeah the the law halt the elevator in case of a
critical situation allowing
passengers to exit safely but why wouldn't you exit safely on the floor yeah
why wouldn't you want to
get out wait you know this is a true story that happened to me um so really
really high-end hotels
hotels um which i don't stay at i like staying like marriott's me too but um
really high-end hotels
they're they're fucking impossible stairs they're like all locked down it's
super difficult so i was
filming a movie in boston and they put me up at the ritz hotel and i was like i
don't need that i go i
can just stay at you know at the marriott and they're like no and i'm like okay
all right fine
so i acquiesced yeah but we stayed there and my friend jay galvin was with me
and we had to take
the elevator and we're going down from my floor and all the sun just goes and
stops oh god and with and
i'm not embellishing this on a fucking dime he goes dud