Name: The Cold Open with Phil Hanley
Uploaded: 2025-03-17T01:00:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Cold Open with Phil Hanley' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Cold Open with Phil Hanley' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-03-17. Transcript available.

The Cold Open with Phil Hanley

yeah oh oh you oh but he does this every day no i don't oh you gotta join me
dude
69 come here ah the ball sack the sack broke back cold plunge oh my c-section
scar go ah what's the timer 40 seconds 40 seconds this is nothing get your body
in there man i'm in i can't breathe i can't breathe
dude this is not that cold oh rose god Jesus christ this is this is freezing
all right all right get a library
what's the line get a cold punch that make you live longer the line is i didn't
know mark was this big a
gaping hole here he is the cold i can't do the cold the cold punch is great it's
like 48 it's not even
that bad dude i feel like matthew perry i feel like whitney houston i'm dying
in here
this is crazy give me some uh ketamine
mark come on this is nothing oh my legs ten more seconds yep what you can do it
i mean this isn't
bad ah my legs they're they don't work i'm like osteopistorius yeah this is i i
expected better from
mark this is a pretty uh there's no room it's like my first apartment so were
you were you going after me
sure really wow we got the video i look at uh trauma from katrina i can't be
around water
all right you gotta get the dunk at the end
i'm going under bro i'm ready get the dunk dunkin donuts
i mean i just had one i'm a piece of shit yeah do it i'm a piece of shit we're
rolling wait where's
those coffees oh i i thought we said we're not doing coffees because we're
drinking oh i thought
you already bought them oh no i thought it was either or ah i feel like the
caffeine or the booze i'm not
a big mix the booze oh my the rizzler this is this is tough because we had a
guest cancel on us today
this is my peeve i wrote to this person they said you never confirmed so then i
pull up a screenshot i
hate being i hate doing the screenshot i love it but i did it pull it up and it
said uh this date
yep i'm in and i wrote confirmed oh what did they write right before that you
never confirmed
didn't they hey harry you never called
didn't they write uh let me know when it's confirmed and then you wrote
confirmed yes
okay no i didn't say let me know when it's confirmed they said they said this
date i'm in
and i wrote confirmed that's a confirm that's a confirm you can't confirm more
than confirm and then
uh and then said okay i'm sorry but it's a peeve of course mark and iron here a
lot it's hard to
schedule these well how long ago was that how long before this it was a few
weeks ago all right it was
it was and this person said there should have been a confirmation after the
confirmation so uh uh right
before the thing we still on but it's like for me it's like no it's in the
calendar it's confirmed
that's a confirm i mean this is a larry david moment it is a larry david moment
completely but i
think i'm in the right you're completely in the right you're real confirmed
that's up to her to
put in the calendar we can't hold your hand for every date you have you're at
an appointment
how'd you was that confirmed every day till the day of no you write it down but
then here's the
question are we like a dental office oh because they do write the confirmation
the day before now i'm
going against myself but it annoys me when you make a restaurant reservation on
like resi or open table
and they're like are you still in press one to confirm i'm like oh you're going
to scramble to
you know press one yeah you're in but i'm like i don't know i said i was in a
day ago right right
and now they do it now on resi if you don't show up they charge you 50 bucks
that's i get it you're
holding a table it's like a weekend and it's a high that is i think that there's
that's fair but
you know uh yeah we're not a dental office we're not at that podcast no but i
think uh yeah you can
only do so much you're an adult you got to put your shit in the date book got
to put in the date
book yes a planner get yourself a palm pilot sister a palm pilot remember uh
dope wars dope wars that
was a game on a palm pilot oh no you want to grab your dad's palm pilot and
then you'd be like let me
download this and it's just a game where you sell drugs it's like the sims for
bad kids right
right i never knew dope war that's a dark game look at that palm pilot you're
like what's what's uh
what's acid going for in harlem i'm in like fifth grade my mom had a palm pilot
that was a hot ticket
item she was like elon musk walking around with that thing in the 90s it was
like pre-blackberry right
right remember blackberries of course the the ball the wheel it was like the
little uh golden tea on
there it was pretty cool the little clit i like that clip he loved it i could
find it yeah it's nice
that one you could see yeah that clit actually did something yeah no hood on it
the hood the clitoral
hood you learn a lot as you get older they use that in high school they never
tell you about the hood
when you're a kid never david tell ah the clit under a hood like a little
racist
by the way is the cues on mike because i had i read 78 comments about it i love
it i got a
producer a google bitch over there is talking a mile a minute and we can't even
hear what he's saying
really yeah so get the guy a little as much as i hate to say it get this man a
microphone all right
well i'm gonna take advantage uh we need a scoop for this too for the ice i
sent this writer oh god
my burps are not as good as yours that was solid yeah it was a good burp it was
a bad burp
sorry what were you saying i found a frank sinatra writer from the 50s or 60s
you sent me this it's
this is extensive this makes me feel like not a diva oh boy what what year um
based on the color tv
i would guess early 60s early 60s okay you want to read these mark can you read
them color tv we got
to move these upright piano for the dressing room private telephone with
dedicated line one bottle
each of vodka gin jack white wine chivas regal red wine and cavatier it's a lot
thank you that is a
lot that's a lot i mean upright piano what a psycho i love number 11 which was
two tuna sandwiches
crossed out to be two ham sandwiches interesting i might have over poured here
dude i apologize in
advance you know it's afternoon 12 rolls of cherry lifesavers wow why only
cherry that's to me that's
the most annoying part of the whole thing yeah do they sell them as just they
must have yeah they
must have back then because that would be that's the worst part if you have to
pick them apart yeah
12 boxes of luden's cough drops jesus one bag of mini tootsie rolls a bowl of
pretzels and chips
salt and pepper tea bags honey lemon lime sugar it is funny that he's like a
tough guy who's like
smacking women around he's like don't forget my tootsie rolls yeah right check
out number 35 and
like this one 35 we're on a carton of camels yeah no filter this should be a
show seeing though the
pimple-faced nerd going out to get all this the intern who's like oh frank sinatra
is like guys
grocery games but if you don't deliver you get fucking beat up by the mob yeah
you get hit with a
whiskey glass six hands on your rider mine yeah napkins i got i got the bodega
cat whiskey in there
gotta have that i got uh a fruit plate gotta get some this was when i was doing
clubs hard a fruit
plate and a veggie plate because you just get some healthy food need some hummus
i do the same
and then i got some nuts i used to have some natty wine in there oh just
because you get hangover
free yeah it's natural it's nice trying to think what else oh i got i got the
fixins from manhattan so i got
vermouth nice i got uh the the cherries and i got the uh man this might be a
photo finish i might have
made this this is a classy rider you got here you're like uh martin all i have
is a veggie plate
almonds bodega cat that's it that's it that's a fucking boring rider yeah you
had a better rider
when you were opening for schumer you had like beef jerky in there well she was
footing the bill and uh
i didn't feel as guilty when it's me then they're gonna go talk shit later but
with her they talked about
her so i was okay with that look at that making a cocktail in a robe in the
middle of the day in
manhattan now that's living baby we're doing all right yeah you gotta you gotta
up that rider game
i'm not going crazy but yeah a lot of it's honestly a lot of it's got pushed up
because of eater
when you're in the theater you know you kind of order dinner and stuff in the
club it used to be hard
back in the day you couldn't get a healthy fucking i don't want to have wings
for you eat that for years
on the road and at a certain point you're like i don't want to eat this shit
can i give you one from
stavi's rider please roasted chickens two two you know they say those are bad
for you no what no
because all time look it up but it's like in the bag it's in a plastic bag
there's all these reasons
it's not good for you look i i don't i didn't retain any of these i just see an
instagram video and
i'm like and then i looked it up and then i was like i don't remember i get one
every time i go
and i pop that iron dome right off there and that you know what's annoying this
is my peeve
those fucking tampon strings on the rotisserie that are uh tying everything up
you try to get a good
pull of a chicken leg and it's uh it's lynched up with a with a twine i hate
that twine i do love
a good rotisserie chicken oh yeah oh no go ahead well the pro move you take
that thing you flip it over
and you eat the bottom first the bottom's where all the flavor is you eat ass
yes i'm eating chicken
poultry pussy remember when every open mic comic had a bit about eating ass oh
that was every comic
they'd be like i eat ass and you'd be like i don't want to know that i don't
give a shit i don't want
to say this because i'm sure 900 comics are going to hear it and go fuck i have
that bit yeah i heard
this bit you you don't do coke but eat ass you don't drink coca-cola but eat
ass everything was you
don't do this but you eat ass 800 comics had that formula but it would it would
probably kill every
time it crushed it crushed yeah that's why they did it i'm i don't have i don't
eat gluten but you eat ass
you know in retrospect not a bad point though no it's a great point the first
person who wrote it had
something and then every other comic there you go i can't remember who it was
but they're talking
about like uh that's a perfect looking boulevardier they first that's why i'm
doing this because we
have phil hanley coming in he's a big negroni guy said he didn't want to drink
we heard through his
reps i guess but then i text him and he said no i have a drink and he's a big
negroni guy boulevardier
is just whiskey in place of negroni it's a it's whiskey sweet vermouth and campari
equal parts
so it's a good cocktail i would get a lot put it over negroni for my personal
wow my personal taste
because of the bodega cat that's why yeah what do you got sally oh i was gonna
say that phil has
people yeah yeah we all have people what do you mean i don't know he knows you
really well why would
you have to have people to get that's true you know we're busy and peters was
dealing with them i
don't know yeah but they don't seem like they're in sync these these phil
people they're never are
they ever in sync i feel like whoever's repping us always makes us sound more
difficult than we are
that's true that's true but you need that yeah you know because we don't want
to be the bad guy
yeah you don't want to be a bad guy but also we're not bad i mean we're i'm
pretty easy usually same
same my rider you heard it you're you're easier than me i also got a crew i got
a lot i got a few
people with me in there they all want to they all want to pick at stuff you
know right right that's
true well that's nice of you i got coffee in there too actually coffee's big
you used to not drink coffee that's true 33 i made it till 33 i was drinking
coffee in like
seventh grade wow man i pictured you with a black coffee those uh those new york
blue cups with the
greek on them i got those like but like uh glasse