Name: Greg Fitzsimmons w/ Mark Normand & Sam Morril - We Might Be Drunk Podcast
Uploaded: 2025-08-25T01:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Greg Fitzsimmons w/ Mark Normand & Sam Morril - We Might Be Drunk Podcast' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-08-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Greg Fitzsimmons w/ Mark Normand & Sam Morril - We Might Be Drunk Podcast' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-08-25. Transcript available.

Greg Fitzsimmons w/ Mark Normand & Sam Morril - We Might Be Drunk Podcast

And now we're live.
Hey, we're going to do some shit talking before we heated these puppies up.
We got Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody.
Our old buddy, man.
We've known you a while, man.
Been a long time.
I kind of missed you guys starting out in New York,
and you got to the point where you were like,
people are like, who's good in New York these days?
And this is going back 12 years,
and everybody's like, these two guys, and I hadn't even seen you.
And so then when I saw each of you, I was like,
oh, these are guys that are actually doing stand-up.
They're not trying to fucking audition for sitcoms.
You got that right.
Yeah, it's rare.
Wait, sorry.
What am I doing here?
It's called a spaghet.
You put a little Campari in there.
That's what Peter set up for us.
The highlight with a little Campari is called a spaghet.
I think I've had this before.
Spaghet.
We did it once in the pot a long time ago.
It was like the hot summer drink for a minute.
It's not bad.
It's not bad.
It's the Aperil spritz for men.
Yes.
Hey, there we go.
Yeah, I drink spritzes all the time, dude.
Do you?
At the cellar, Liz orders them out of the pint glass,
and we get fucking hammered.
Yeah.
Because they just keep bringing them,
and you're like four deep.
You're like, I'm kind of fucked up.
Yeah.
They go down easy.
Yeah, so do women after they have a few.
So what's this called?
And we've lost our one female listener,
just like that.
There she goes.
Come on, we're drinking faggets.
You got to pronounce that right.
Oh, man.
I got the non-alcoholic.
Good for you.
It's actually a good one.
I forgot you were sober.
Have you had 30 years yet?
35.
Yeah, I quit when I was 24 years old.
I started young.
I started at like 12.
The Irish, you're either a full-blown alcoholic
or you're sober, I feel like.
It's true, especially in Boston where I started.
It was like the way you would get gigs
when you first started out is if you had 10 minutes
and you had a license, then you could work
because all the gigs were outside of town,
like an hour, and all the headliners had DUIs
so they couldn't drive anymore.
So you would just take Don Gavin or Steve Sweeney
out to Worcester and you'd get like 50 bucks.
It was like me and Rogan and Burr.
Wow.
We had our driver's licenses and we'd take people out.
Man.
Yeah.
Those were the days.
Six, seven nights a week.
Yeah, and it was a lot of blow.
A lot of blow.
A lot of fighting.
You ever do a lot of blow or no?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I did a lot of blow.
That was my final night.
It was one of those nights where like,
you ever buy an eight ball with like two or three other guys?
We've never done coke in our life.
Are you serious?
No, no.
Oh, you should do it.
People are always shocked.
It's awesome.
It really is.
There's a reason why people get hooked on it.
It's fucking great.
Wow.
I mean, it looks great.
That's why I don't do it.
The problem is you guys have too much money to do it.
You got to do it when you're broke because that puts the brakes on because it's
so expensive.
Good point.
You know?
Damn.
Right, right.
A lot of, do a lot of, do we don't really know anyone who does it anymore?
Actually, that's not true.
We've had a few on here.
Speaking of, check out Joe DeRosa's new special.
I like how you look down the barrel on your punchlines on the podcast.
Yeah, that's true.
That's a pro.
That's a pro.
Pro move.
That'd be once in a while.
You're like Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men, just right in the eyes.
Hey, Sheen's a great fucking actor, dude.
Yeah.
He's one of our bucket list gets on this pod.
We've been pushing, putting it into the universe for years.
Simon Rex almost got him for us.
Oh, so close.
Who got you Simon Rex?
He's available.
Dude.
A clip popped up of Simon Rex in Scary Movie 3 where he's supposed to be Eminem.
He's trying to be a rapper.
I don't remember that.
You know?
Oh, I saw that.
Yeah.
Dude, where Charlie Sheen stops him and he's just like, he's like, you got to
stop going
to this, to these rap battles.
He's like, you just hate me because I'm black.
Man, that humor really went away.
Dude, he's a good musician.
Yeah, yeah.
He's really good.
He's also a really good comedic actor.
Dude, the scene, we probably can't play any of this, right?
It's going to get pulled.
Yeah, it doesn't matter.
I never made it to the third one, I got to be honest.
Dude, it's got some great moments.
Okay.
Yeah.
This is the last of the spoofs.
Naked Gun is great.
No, I saw it last night.
Is it good?
The first half is really good.
All right.
They front loaded it.
And then some of the gags, they just hit them too many times, so by the second
half, you're
like, okay, they hand them coffee a lot.
Yeah.
It's really funny.
Every time they walk in a room, somebody has a cup of coffee because they're
cops.
Yeah.
And there was like, do you want to hear a joke from it or not?
Yeah.
Okay.
So at one point, he's talking about, it's Drummond's, drummer, Drebin's son.
Okay.
And the guy goes, you shot my son.
And he goes, well, that could be a thousand guys.
And he goes, you shot them in the back.
That could be hundreds of guys.
He goes, he was white.
Jimmy Fargo?
Damn, I love jokes like that.
That's a great joke.
No, the joke writing was really strong.
And the problem with the naked gun is Liam Neeson does a great job, but it has
to be the
reason why they got Leslie Nielsen and George Kennedy is those guys had only
done drama before.
They were never trying to squeeze a joke out of it.
Yes.
And if you do that, even a little bit, it fucks up the whole tone.
It's got to be dead fucking straight.
Right.
But he's a serious actor.
I mean, he's like, he's usually in dramas.
That's what he's saying.
He's saying it was a good choice.
Oh, I thought you were saying that was the problem.
No, it is a good choice, but he did try to juice it a little bit now and again.
Not a lot, but just a hint.
Nothing worse when these serious guys try to go funny.
I remember one time Penelope Cruz was trying to be funny in a movie, and it was
horrific.
Oh, women doing comedy.
Oh, I know.
But it was so bad.
What movie was she trying to be funny in?
She got her boobs grabbed.
I can't remember.
That's all I remember, because she's pretty hot.
But give it a goop.
Put Penelope Cruz comedy.
She was a small role.
Just backstage with Harvey Weinstein was in a movie.
Pam Anderson was good.
Yeah?
Yeah.
She's fun.
She's fun.
Oh, I heard her actual, the last movie she did was really great.
The Last Showgirl.
The Last Showgirl.
I saw that.
Was it good?
It was good.
It wasn't great, but it was good.
Did she put makeup on in the movie for the love of Christ?
Nope.
Damn.
Jesus.
I know.
That's it.
Yeah, it was bad.
I had to watch that on a plane or something.
You had to?
Whoa.
They put a gun to your head.
They're like, you fucking better watch it, dude.
No, that's like in the old days.
Like, you guys are too young for that, but they used to play one movie.
I remember that was, I was at the tail end of that.
Yeah.
One movie, dude.
One movie and cigarettes.
Yeah.
And hot stewardesses.
Yes.
Now it's all gays.
Or it's the chicks that were hot then and they're just, they're just 79 now.
And they're mean as shit.
I'm scared of them.
I used to be like, dong.
They'd be like, hello, what can I get you?
Now they're like, what the fuck do you want?
Yeah.
I'm like, oh, sorry.
Jeez.
I'm scared of all customer service.
Wow.
Waitresses, the lady at the desk, they're all terrifying.
Can I, can I give you a peeve out of the gate here?
This is a, this is a dark story.
I have to tell it.
Oh God.
I, I was, I was at my laptop the other night at home and I'm writing and I'm
like, I'm
in a good fucking groove.
I was, I'm like working on a script.
I'm like, nothing can stop me.
I'm fucking cooking.
A rat runs across my kitchen floor.
And I was like, that's a-
In your apartment?
I'm on a fucking, I'm a high floor, dude.
That's a nice joint too.
I thought they didn't go to high floors.
Dude, they do.
And I had, I had an exterminator come by.
First off, I tell maintenance.
How big was he?
I'll tell, I'll, so I saved the picture.
Uh, first off, fucking big.
Secondly, I call maintenance.
They're like, it's a mouse.
I go, you think I don't know what a fucking rat is?
They're like, it's a mouse.
I'm like, come up and look at the turds.
It's a fucking rat.
I'm like, these aren't pellets.
These are logs, dude.
This is dark.
And, and they're like everywhere.
So it's been there a few days, clearly.
I'm noticing them.
And I'm like, fuck.
Sounds like he's eating well.
He's eating well.
Yeah, I'm a slob, dude.
Right.
But, uh, it's bad.
And I, uh, I call, you know, Liz from the cellar hooks me up with a exterminator
who comes
the next day.
He's like, oh, there's like a hole in this room.
That's why it's there.
I'm like, all right.
They patch it up.
He's like 99%.
He's gone.
And I'm like, all right.
But you know, you're like doing like Jim Carrey and Dummy Dummy.
You're like, but there's a chance.
Right.
You know, you're like, fuck.
And I'm like, all right.
Uh, hopefully it's gone, but it's not gone.
I wake up the next morning.
There's more shit.
And I'm like, fuck.
And I had a nightmare.
So I don't, I, to this day, I don't know if this nightmare is real.
Cause I was on the phone with my friend and she lives in LA and she goes, uh, I
once
saw a rat and it was in my bed.
And it tried to bite my finger and I panicked and I fucking, she ended up
killing it.
She, uh, she got in a glue trap and just like dropped it in her pool.
Holy shit.
It's like, by the way, fuck these humane deaths for rats.
When I catch this fucker in a glue trap, I'm, I'm pouring gasoline on him and
lighting a
fucking match, you know?
Who's this?
Whitney Houston?
Good Lord.
No, she killed him in the tub.
But, uh, but anyway, dude, uh, I'm like, fuck, this is freaking me out.
So now I wake up the next day.
I'm like, well, it's probably old poop.
That's what the guy says.
It's probably, is it hard?
I was like, yeah, it's kind of hard.
I'm like, all right.
Uh, was he an old school guy?
Was he like picking the shit up?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Sniffing it.
It's definitely a rat.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, we, uh, so I'm like, fuck this freaking out.
This is the thing that really freaked me the fuck out.
I had a camelback, you know, like you'd sit, like those backpacks for water and
the straw
you sit.
I look at it.
I was going to fill it up just to like walk around and sip water.
He ate the fucking straw, the rat.
Whoa.
So I'm like, this is fucking violating now.
You got to call ice.
So I got another exterminator.
Yeah.
They're just like, yeah, I don't know if he's still here.
They're like doing the, you know, looking around.
I'm like, God damn it.
I have, I don't know if it's a dream or I don't know if it was real to this day.
I think a rat was in my bed.
I look and I'm just like, and I just went, I fell back asleep.
And then I was like, I, it might 80% it's a dream, but there's a chance it was.
She might've put it in my head.
But then anyway, I'm like, I feel like it's still here.
But that was like, I didn't see any shit.
I see shit again.
This is day five.
So this has been in my house for, I don't know, five days now.
And I'm just like freaking out.
I'm like, I need a fucking, I need to call another guy.
This guy that Liz sent me out with, he's like, I live three hours out of the
city.
I'm like, what?
So it would take me three hours to get there.
I'm like, no, I need someone now.
I need someone now.
I'm freaking out.
So I call these, I just find these guys on Google and they're like rough around
the edges.
Can you be here in like 40 minutes?
They're like 40 minutes.
We'll fucking be there.
He said fuck on the phone.
I was like, all right, let's do it.
He's like intense.
I was like, all right.
They, it's him and two other dudes.
My doorman calls me up.
He's like, those guys are assholes.
I'm like, what do you mean they're assholes?
I was like, how did they offend you in like just walking up?
He's like, they got like a bad attitude in m