Name: Pete Holmes w/ Sam Morril & Mark Normand - We Might Be Drunk Podcast
Uploaded: 2025-12-01T02:00:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pete Holmes w/ Sam Morril & Mark Normand - We Might Be Drunk Podcast' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pete Holmes w/ Sam Morril & Mark Normand - We Might Be Drunk Podcast' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-01. Transcript available.

Pete Holmes w/ Sam Morril & Mark Normand - We Might Be Drunk Podcast

have you guys ever been near panic attack on stage i don't think so i've been
near shitting
i just had a club where was i maybe i'll leave out where i was it's better but
i was doing a club
this was about a week ago late friday uh lady in the front lovely lady meaning
i had engaged with
her a couple times and i don't really do crowd work so she was talking to me
and so i was
addressing her and you know being nice and everything towards the 45 minute
mark i only
know that because you'll see she collapses she falls i look up there's like a
commotion and she's
on the ground and she's going i'm okay and of course i go like vaccine vaccine
the microchips
are working i forgot that my illuminati app i had set it to go off right before
i closed no she uh she
kind of had like a head wrap that could have gone either way maybe she was
struggling with
something i know it's it's hard to riff on the subject but she did fall and it
was uh impossible
to continue head wrap before or after the head wrap was sort of like uh like
she might have been
something oh no no not not gauze like a like like a stylish head wrap but that
might have uh
conveyed chemotherapy oh okay i would say don't if someone's got gauze in their
head don't sit them
up front no no no no no but i you know i just was like i don't know what uh i
was just honest
yeah that's always the best move right i i was like i don't know what to do i
could keep going
i tried like a couple quick jokes and they got laughs but they're these types
of laughs like
our health is so real when you see someone yeah down and they got her up but
down here's the sweet
punchline though i uh i'm not gonna make it about me i was gonna say a really
sweet fans i'm trying to
compliment them the people at their table strangers had a wheelchair went and
got it whoa
they brought a wheelchair was in almost immediately after i got off stage and i
was like you guys just
have a wheelchair they were like those are the people that they were with and
they paid their bill
i was like that's so sweet they were just like we got our bill we got our
wheelchair keep the wheelchair
i think wheelchairs are like keep the wheelchair right yeah yeah you keep that
come back a week later
like i want that where's that chair it's like tupperware it's a little bit like
tupperware yeah
wow so that just happened that must have been one at the club no one travels
with a wheelchair
loose no i think they had it in their car oh but why would they have a spare
chair a spare chair
yeah why these are the good chimeridans
you book homes you get a clip you book homes you get a clip hey you were c said
gauze i was sitting on
gauze a strip for about a half an hour i don't want to interrupt but yeah yeah
yeah wow spare chair
even gauze humor i won't do
i had a guy with a stroke in my crowd once and uh scott remember stand-up scottsdale
of course
yeah where the host would the owner was the host yes he ran the club he'd do 45
do 45 and then he would
yeah he'd do a lot of that 45 rails yeah and tell like i shouldn't no it's like
stories like kind of
hard stories oh yeah hard story and then he'd be like make sure you give us
five stars and he can't
do that in the middle of the set he can't like shit on religion and then be
like make sure you give us a
high rating yeah you know whenever i'm in new york i remember this and i don't
i am gonna say this i'm not
dragging anybody just when you're starting i feel like in new york especially
you run into more bill
hicks kind of inspired guys and girls in fact the person i'm thinking of was a
woman her closer was
about jesus having anal sex yeah but like it wasn't just that it was so risque
it was like
not really hot it was a little hot i had to go up rock hard but i did always
follow her and i would go
up uh i'd have to excuse myself through everyone leaving like that's that was
her that sounds like
a bit but like she just walked i was gonna say that was her light that's how
she knew to wrap it up
that's when no one was left but but she was a funny person i'm just saying she
had rough rough i i heard
the c word when when i first got to new york you never unless it was a british
uh-huh you know
maybe you'd hear from right at jeffrey's it's softer out of a britter it is
yeah twat to twat yeah
i like twat i'd put a baby to sleep with twat twat it's fine but i heard so
many c words and i
at that time was like like and i thought i represented the audience i thought
it was me
and bargatze i thought oh jeez i had and we were kind of like in the back
waiting to go up after like
two and a half hours of really hard stuff two and a half why is she going so
long oh no she didn't
do two and a half i mean the whole show and then we'll go at the end but it was
a real start at seven
yeah today we're on a half hour chunk because you were clean back in the day i
was clean very much
much cleaner than i am now not that you're filthy but no no i know but i am
dirtier than people think
got it yeah yeah yeah yeah i won't say c i'll say see if it comes up i had a
bit where i would imply
the word the c word and sometimes especially in places like stand-up scots
people go say it
say it right and like i took offense at that i was like you think i won't say
like you think i'm like
what do you think this is like i'm flying the plane i'm not saying it because
it's funnier to watch you
say it in your mind like don't i have a real like competitive even though i'm
clean yeah you test me
i'll be like no yeah i'll do whatever it takes to make you laugh you've had sex
like what do these
people think in britain that's not true i wish i wish i missed my club was like
that club was like
old i remember that the dude had a stroke in the audience and i was just on
stage and i was like
i i got a good laugh and then i saw a a bottle get kicked over i was like oh i
guess i'm really
killing like no he's having a stroke i was like oh so i had to stop the show
and that guy howard
was i was like just call an ambulance and i get off stage and howard's like i'll
kill some time and
i was like he's doing crowd work with the stroke guy while we're waiting for an
ambulance and i was
like you gotta just let him have a stroke and he's by the way that's like the
most obvious uh i hear
that a lot in crowd work you talk to a drunk person yeah then you say are you
having a stroke like
that's like oh yeah it's right in your pocket that's true incoherent you say is
this guy having a
stroke big left this guy is having a right and uh and then howard's like it's
gonna be cool i've had
a stroke i'm like yeah but you had a stroke from like 16 red bulls and coke
like you it's your fault
you had a stroke this guy's an older guy it just you know happened but yeah he
seemed okay when they
got him out but you're like holy yeah you're like do i do i go back up yeah a
friend of mine had a
stroke in college and he was from doing like too many sit-ups what like he was
really going for it
and they said he had his hands this is a theory i don't think they ever really
know if unless you're
like yeah a celebrity and they're like let's really go in there and find out
why dachovny stroke
i shouldn't have cursed dachovny yeah i met alan dachovny start the y files so
anyway he truth is
out there thank you thank you i knew you wouldn't leave me alone yeah he's okay
i want to believe
he's okay okay are the riffs done anyway he ripped a tendon on his neck and it
sent a clot
so he's like 23 4 in incredible shape and i went to see him in the hospital and
i like patch adam his
ass like i wouldn't stop doing bits yeah all the doctors must have felt
incredible it did because
you're like i'm stronger than you in this moment you used to be stronger now i
win right i knew i was
right about not doing setups well teddy brewski the linebacker remember he had
a stroke he's in the nfl
he was like one of the best players in the nfl he had his stroke i worry about
the amounts of uh
i don't know i i feel like we're in a weird time where it's like you want to be
healthy eat a cow's
face like i i think that's gonna catch up to us yeah i'm just saying it in the
same way that in the
90s we were like eggs are good eggs are bad right yeah we're half meat is
having oh a moment big moment
and i think it's gonna bite us in the butt i do meat and cold water everybody's
gonna have a cold shower
an ice plunge oh yeah yeah the ice plunge yeah ice plunging guilty on that one
but oh yeah it feels
pretty good i love it you feel good after i feel it all day that's why and i'm
a i'm a real addict so
i'm chasing those like sober highs oh that's why nobody are you sober i don't
drink i smoke a little
bit i do psychedelics so i can't claim sober but i do love the uh the ice
nobody nobody in the ice
you know isn't chasing send it to trump i love ice i endorse i love a nice bath
i gotta clean these
guys get them out there get them out there nice and clean hey you don't want an
aroma giving you
away i don't like riffing on this topic because it's so sad but i'm bound by
the laws of yes and
comic first you know what i mean we should have ice for comedians like if they
steal jokes or if they're
too hacky be like call ice and they come pull them off i think it's called
threads right nice yeah wait
what is threads because that was the sponsor it's the twitter uh instagram's
twitter or you know you
can comment and post jokes it's like it's like left-wing twitter now wait but
the new york comedy
fest was brought to us by threads.com was that that was it oh threads.com is a
clothing company ah okay
how did he let that happen who trump no zuckerberg i'm putting the coffee oh
trump oh no i was so ready
when a guy has an impression no you know keith robinson had a stroke from viagra
is that what
it was yeah it got the heart altitude yeah sure i mean it's the least
sympathetic stroke story because
boner stroke yeah he was he was going to phoenix to get ass yep and he and
instead and instead of going
to the hospital he went to go get the ass wait well that's the key if you're
having a stroke go to the
hospital yeah now right because my buddy that had one he was he also said it's
gonna sound stupid but
he was like don't push on the toilet because that's what kind of like got it
over the hump what so this
is what makes the clot so that's now just like a free floating thing and then
there has to be some sort
of push but that makes sense though because you're stressed i mean that's like
a stress
shit bro and we're back to meat i'd like to see the bms of these carnivore guys
john wayne's butthole
i'd love to see john wayne what no john wayne like when he died they were like
this guy ate way too
much red meat oh really yeah this is like uh when you find out the bob marley
dreadlock thing isn't
real wait what's that remember when they were like they found 800 species of
bugs and it was just
like a racist guy started i never heard that one it'd be you know it started as
a as a like a racist
joke so improvise like if i and then it became a fact it's not real you know
what's like about bob
marley his toe killed him it was a toe cancer one little toe no killed the just
take it off it spread
too quickly i think in the rastafari uh religion this is another racist joke
yeah you gotta leave the
toes on or whatever he died from toe cancer yeah okay he kicked a soccer ball
one day and he was like ah my toe
went in killed him yikes yeah the soccer ball seems like somebody who didn't
know what happened made it
up i don't know if he was kicking a soccer ball in a big field what yeah what's
it and what's the deal
with john wayne's i think it was uh seven pounds of undigested meat in his
stomach when he died that's
oh that's like a bonnie blue i'll say this just because it's i think it's
useful the guy that used to be on
the biggest loser which i've never seen so it's one of the trainers uh-huh was
a big like keto
only me just me and i'm not here to give health advice i'm just saying that
dude had a stroke at
lik