Name: The Rizzler, Dave Attell, Greg Fitzsimmons, Shaun Murphy - Happy New Year - We MIght Be Drunk
Uploaded: 2025-12-29T02:01:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Rizzler, Dave Attell, Greg Fitzsimmons, Shaun Murphy - Happy New Year - We MIght Be Drunk' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Rizzler, Dave Attell, Greg Fitzsimmons, Shaun Murphy - Happy New Year - We MIght Be Drunk' from We Might Be Drunk Podcast on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-12-29. Transcript available.

The Rizzler, Dave Attell, Greg Fitzsimmons, Shaun Murphy - Happy New Year - We MIght Be Drunk

we're here hey happy new year we got greg fitz simmons here the king fitz dog i
don't remember
what you were just saying i i tell when i was gay to sit like this yeah it is
gay what are you
doing what are you uh gavin newsome i think if you have thick legs it's not too
bad but when you
have skinny legs and one like really wraps around the other one what is with
the irish they can't
develop leg muscle or asses that's true you guys have no asses what is that
yeah yeah it's like asian
women yeah it's like you look at an asian woman and the perfect lips and the
smooth skin both and it's
disappointing every which way yeah really oh yeah irish man terrible irish man
and asian women same
dick no but you're you're hung yeah i'm hung we've established that and on the
last episode mark made
scott rugowski talk about his dick yeah we were like what is what it was what
are we doing here
yeah well i thought he had a micro but he didn't so i learned maybe instead of
headshots you should
have uh milton burrell is the whole wall
uncle milty yeah how are you hung i'm in the middle i'm like a stock camry
right right you know nothing
flashy but not not too disappointing good shape yeah solid shape curves to the
left as you get older you
have like good and bad dick days yeah when you're young it's always kind of
more and then you get
older you're like today's a good day i hope someone sees it ah yes if they don't
ask i'll show it to
someone right go inside a schoolyard i'll show them who's boss
but uh no it's it's good good and bad days it's interesting yeah it's like a
good hair day you know
yeah good point yeah the worst is that whenever you do see people naked you're
skinny dipping which is
the least ideal situation like when we were teenagers there was a town pool i
grew up in
tarrytown and we had a town pool and we used to drink all night you know we
were like 15 years old
yeah and then we would break into the pool we jumped the fence man and then
everybody would get
naked it was crazy like all the all the kids in town you had an ideal childhood
you ice skated we
ice skated drank you did a mescaline you swam in the water and women you're you're
not being
compromised in that situation but guys it really i mean you think of the iconic
seinfeld episode
right i was in the oh yeah i showed it to a date recently she's from england
and she's like
she's like i didn't know what seinfeld is i was like oh you've never seen this
so we i threw in
the little dick episode yes and she was like this is great you threw in the
little dick that night
i threw that after the little dick episode i was like now that i have a
disclaimer here no but uh
that's a great fucking episode right yeah it is i was in the pool yeah yeah and
then him trying to
see her naked yeah the justice of it she's got a great body buddy but there was
also like a
shift that happened with seinfeld where they went from being these broke new york
like getting
around on the subway to suddenly they're in the hamptons you remember that if
they got a lot of
shit because they started they started to not be about you know they started to
be about like making
money and it was like oh they're rich now now they're doing episodes from the
ham well that was
a whole the cadillac episode elaine's like i didn't know you make money like
that oh yeah also started
dating tens for some reason they're dating fives early on and then later on
they're all dating like the hottest women in new york right yeah yeah yeah and
in real life
every actress on seinfeld was a smoke show george was pulling great yeah yeah
george is doing well
wasn't courtney cox a girlfriend of somebody on that or was that friends yeah
was it she was on
seinfeld i mean those are young young supple cams there's no surprises when you
lower that dress
no no god no no dick there wow we had him on last week yeah i know he was
sitting right here in this
seat yeah baby telling you how to do comedy you got that right you got to move
more yeah you got to
move around the stage more you don't move i don't move okay no moving is a that's
that's flailing to me
that's desperate you plant your feet you tell your jokes it depends on the act
like you know yeah it's
weird to watch like rock not move right certain guys yeah like i get like jerry
moves you move it's
like yeah to each their own bargots he's not moving is no david tell moves only
to slam the mic down and go is this
working hello midgets yeah no dave's funny because like you can always find out
what the next thing in
technology is by what he's ragging on yeah like now it's like tick tock right
but before that it was
podcast podcast yes yes pagers i'd love to see caveman david tell fire we get
it upright walking
i'm excited to see him yeah i know he's tough to wrangle man that took like 14
confirmation text oh
really he's like confirm me tomorrow morning i'm like okay then i'm like dave
doesn't answer i'm
literally getting text from brennan at the strip house the waiter going it
tells here and i'm like
fuck i'm like come on dave answer whoa i'm like it tells out he's at strip
house it tells like a cat
you're like how did he get out you need a net with a stick on it to get him but
uh snare no it took
it took a lot of confirmations but i think we wrangled him hell yeah i've been
on in years my question
is like uh when does he sleep i think like what are his hours 7 a.m to 4 i don't
think he sleeps that
late no i think it's like 7 a.m to like 11 11 but the amount of times i'm sure
you've done this with
him too leaving a diner with him and he orders a large coffee and i'm like god
damn it dude it's 4 a.m
why are you drinking a large black iced coffee i know yeah and the bodega guy
just knowing dave as
he gets his uh american spirits yeah yeah but it's also um i like living in la
because a lot of times
he'll call me after his shows and if you're on the east coast it's like all
right you know it's
2 a.m i i'm not that guy anymore but if i'm in la it's 11 o'clock i'm driving
home from the store and
then i can talk oh right yeah right and he's at a new porn opening you know he's
always at a porn
store not anymore well those are the old days i guess there's the internet now
i can remember walking
into porn stores in times square and they'd be like dave he's like norm and
they'd have a bag with
like stuff he'd ordered that hadn't come in yet wow i don't know what his genre
is yeah i think he's
all over the road we'll ask him he had a porn show mine is probably milf milf
yeah milf's up there
yeah wow what do you think i was gonna say i i just don't know what that feels
like what too broad it
feels like if all of them were closed that's what you would go to really what
what you go to
yeah milf's up there uh big latina i like like a latina i like uh czechoslovakian
hidden camera
massage porn damn yeah with a little parentheses naturals i like it pull it up
i don't know this
czechoslovakian there's a ton of them massage they start with a massage they
start with a massage and
they are the women are like tens because they're these eastern that's the one
hitler went to first
that's right he was he used to do hidden camera uh massages ah good uh maddie
this is maddie bartending
by the way amazing now oh is that a kiss shirt i love it oh by the way r.i.p
ace freely right
he died he died damn in the new york groove uh can we do a cocktail mark what
are you what are we
feeling good question and we can make you a mock no it's gotta be a mean mocktail
okay put in check
hidden camera massage ah this is distracting did you know that porn hub is now
there was an article
saying it's it can monitor your stuff and they can blackmail you come on who
does i've seen enough
black mails i like lemon whore but if you got black mailed with a black male is
that how that
expression a bit on the nose yeah i mean shit greg i got a warning here it says
your search could be
illegal and abusive sexual material including non-consensual intimate imagery
they consented to the massage they just didn't consent to the hidden camera
well to the blowjob
they end up giving the guy i mean there it is no that's not it all right what
are we doing here
this is uh this is filthy we just started is there a drink you have in mind
what are you thinking
uh i wanted to make you guys an old-fashioned oh please hello that's a classic
can you make greg a
mocktail greg doesn't drink anymore yeah i could totally make a mocktail yeah
ginger okay ginger sounds
nice have you guys heard of lemon whore that's my favorite porn lemon whore
what's lemon whore pull it
up basically is this like lemon party no there's like a story you know i like a
story i see girl porn
and it's this couple hanging out on a couch and then all of they're like
looking at their tree lemon
trees and they're like wow look at our beautiful lemon trees i love our lemon
trees i want you to fuck me
underneath our lemon trees and then a woman scales the fence and starts
stealing lemons huh and the woman's
like that lemon whore you need to have sex with her to punish her for stealing
our lemons anyone else hard
i i don't know an offense it sounds like mexican porn right there
is this a real thing she's selling the lemons at a median in la highway
lemon stealing whore lemon stealing whore whoa okay i'll watch that later it's
pretty niche
okay this is all new to me i'm learning a lot i almost lost my sobriety last
week i went this is
a true it sounds like a made-up story but this actually happened i go uh to
this italian restaurant
and i order i say can i get an americana with room and so the guy is that a
weird order by the way
it's a coffee but but it's also a cocktail americana with room yeah nobody gets
milk in an americano
that's what i've been told later that you you're not supposed to yeah right a
lot of water in it
yeah so i order that and then the uh the guy is italian vermouth and campari no
no no he comes back
and he goes we know i have a rum i said no room oh so you got rum in it yeah
and you took a swig
i took a little swig oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah nothing you're broken you may
as well have a drink
i when i'm 65 i'm gonna do it really tell your story about uh that gig you did
with a guy in the
truck with the drugs guy in the truck with the drugs oh you know you guys like
we gotta hang out i got
atvs oh yeah yeah this is the best road story ever okay so i was in alaska alaska
yeah last month i was
in alaska uh fairbanks i don't even know it fairbanks i think it's the capital
isn't it no juno juno
what'd you call him the junu
um so i fly up there and i go to the guy uh you know i want to do something fun
during the day
and he calls me back and he goes i got this guy he's got an outdoor company you
know an adventure
company they've got atvs and snowmobiles he's a fan of yours he wants to take
you out for an adventure
this is what i like about you most people go what are you most comics go this
is insane i'm not doing
it but you're up for it but i was definitely inside because you know i grew up
in new york i've been in
l.a 25 years i'm so i know nothing about the outdoors sure and so uh yeah we're
worthless outdoors
people yeah we're just you're okay but you're not i'm okay i don't love it i'd
rather hang out
out of a bar no we're like city people we're not well the indoors feels like a
victory like we won
yes yes we're inside temperature's always the same i like outdoors but for me
it's like
taking walks like grabbing a coffee just walking around yeah that's that's my
outdoors right
controlled yeah so the guy uh shows up and he's got a big truck with a trailer
on the back with a
with a muddy dune buggy and i suddenly think like all right i fucked up you
know i'm gonna be in pain
i'm gonna be cold probably wet so i get in and i start talking to the guy and
he's like the nicest
guy he's about to retire he's totally mellow and uh he's like i'm gonna take
you on an adventure so
we drive about 10 minutes and we get pulled over by the cops a