Name: Why Bob Thinks He's Like Batman | Bob Saget
Uploaded: 2020-04-20T17:00:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Why Bob Thinks He's Like Batman | Bob Saget' from Bob Saget on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Why Bob Thinks He's Like Batman | Bob Saget' from Bob Saget on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-20. Transcript available.

Why Bob Thinks He's Like Batman | Bob Saget

Hey, it's just me, Bob, here, and this is a story of how I met your mother.
And I'm saying that because I know your mom, which means you're my bastard
child.
This is something I've been wanting to do, which is be in a bunker and do a
podcast.
But this is the very first episode of a show called Bob Saget's Here for You.
It has my name in the title, which is a little awkward for me to say my name in
a sentence, but I did it.
And the premise of the show that you'll be hearing on this first episode, stuff
I want to talk about, is just that I am here for you.
The purpose of this thing is to entertain, not talk about religion or politics,
although it does subtly get mentioned.
You can't avoid it.
We're in a rough time, you know, where we're all in our own sense, a bunker.
I want to soothe you.
I want to give you a full body massage in your mind.
Things I want to talk about that are relevant to me is that I have a penis
shape like an octagon.
I'm going to be free associating quite a bit.
I want to talk about a time where I was selling a book that I'd written and
John Oliver interviewed me.
And we both have a love of strange animals and always talking about them.
And we could never get through the interview because he is so funny and we fell
in love.
And also, there's a guy named Caesar and he is a good guy who runs an air
conditioning company.
And I had a rat infestation in my three air conditioners.
And I'll be getting into that because that's something I wanted to talk about.
I'll be talking about name dropping, not just Caesar, but anybody named John,
famous people.
You guys can call me, all kinds of stuff.
We can talk.
I'm going to talk about what's more difficult, the SATs or the coronavirus.
And I don't take it lightly.
And we'll be talking about that.
This is going to get serious sometimes, but there'll always be a comedic edge
to it.
Because I really want to find the gallows humor because humor is one of the
only ways out of this thing besides taking care of ourselves.
And I'm sending you lots of good wishes.
And I hope you enjoy this.
And here we go.
Here comes some music I threw together.
And welcome to Bob Saget's Here for You.
I'm here for you on many different levels.
I actually am a compassionate person.
I was raised that way.
My dad was a very caring man.
My mom was a very caring man.
And this is about me being there for you in a way like people think I raised
them in some ways.
I met prisoners that got out of jail.
I wasn't in jail with them at the time that said, Bob, you raised me, man.
Thank you.
And then they held me and did their way with me.
But it's true when you're doing family television.
And I was a stand-up since I'm 17 years old.
And there I was doing family TV and wanting to do it.
Because I have different, you know, people think you're just one thing.
And I'm not.
I'm kind of an octagon.
But that's when my pants are off.
It's very oddly shaped.
But it looks like a stop sign.
And most people have stopped when they've seen it.
Why did I do that?
Why did I?
You don't open with a penis joke.
So I apologize.
This is going to be about a lot of topics.
I like to free associate because it doesn't cost anything.
And being here for you is the subject at hand is that I'm here for you as maybe
that dad that gives you a public service announcement, talks about something
seriously, not a PSA, more like just advice.
I'm going to be calling people.
You can call the number that's right listed right up there on the summary of
this thing.
And it'll explain to you right in that header or whatever the hell you call it
in this beautiful tech world of things that I kind of know about.
Because I got a TikTok account.
Wow.
I wonder how long that's going to go.
And the point is I want to know if you have questions, what you want to talk
about.
So occasionally I'll be actually physically with the phone in my hand calling
you guys.
And I'll be announcing it on Twitter and Instagram when I'm going to be making
those calls.
And then I'm going to have guests all named John.
I'm going to have guests occasionally.
But it's really me.
You're my guest.
It's me communicating with you guys because I did a special and it was called
Zero to Sixty a couple years ago.
And near the end of the special, I wasn't, I was in between, I do music a lot.
I always have, I started as a guitar act when I was 17.
And then I always wrote comedy songs because they meant a lot to me.
Because it was like to take a good subject and get laughs out of it.
And it's like, it's like no other form.
And I was looked down upon by other comedians for a while.
Then I took the guitar away and learned how to do stand-up for about 10 years.
And now it's 40 years later.
Oh, man.
I don't know.
I keep young because I drink the blood of marsupials.
No, no.
Why?
And John Oliver does that better.
But we share, John Oliver and I share, because I name drop like a biatch, is
that we share the love of when somebody gets too serious, go into an animal
joke.
Do an animal husbandry joke.
Dress up an ocelot.
You know, do something funny like that.
In fact, a book I wrote called Dirty Daddy, I'm not promoting it, New York
Times bestseller.
John interviewed me at the 92nd Street Y.
And it was right before his show went on.
And he read like four pages.
And I'm like, why are you doing this?
And we ended up talking for an hour and a half and it was supposed to be a 40-minute
talk to the audience that ended up, you know, you do a book signing.
And it was about me worrying about getting older and having leakage and
slipping on it, on the steps.
As I don't know, I don't know, you had to read it or you can get the audio book,
which is seven hours long, which will help you sleep during these tumultuous
times.
All right, let's discuss that for a second, because Bob Saget's here for you
also means that I'm Batman.
Because in that special, as I started to say, someone said to me, Bob, we need
you.
And I said, as long as you need me, I'll be there.
And it's really weird.
But about three years ago, I was, I do a bunch of different things.
I always say I do five things, none of them well.
But I love acting and I love stand-up and I love directing and traffic.
And I put 1,000% of my energy into whatever I'm doing at the time, including
this right here.
This means a lot to me right now.
This is one-on-one communication.
I never really had that before.
It could be two-on-one if two of you are watching this.
If you get a group together, if you're watching it on YouTube, or if you're
listening, a lot
of the, a lot of these podcasts that you're going to be hearing on this series,
Bob Saget's
here for you.
That's called Plug-o-rama, but it's also letting you know what it is, because I
want you to know
what it is.
I'm going to be truly, well, I'm going to be mostly audio because,
I'm going to be holed up in a bunker somewhere.
And I mean, I was scared with my wife and, and this coronavirus, and I told her
to go through
a car wash naked and she wasn't offended.
And that's why we love each other to death and, and not to death.
That's a bad term right now.
All right, let's get, let's get, let's get a little serious.
This is a strange, strange time.
This is the kind of stuff, you know, I remember seeing the movie Outbreak, Contagion.
This is stuff that you didn't, that none of us have ever experienced in the
United States.
None of us, we haven't had this.
We've had pandemics before, but not to this level where everything is shut down
and it's
heartbreaking.
It's heartbreaking for all of the people, especially those affected and the
loved ones of those affected
and businesses and people that make money, where are people going to make money
in, in, in, during this time.
There is going to be an end to it.
We are going to get out of it.
Um, there's no question that it's going to happen, but we're a little behind
the curve, but we're moving forward now.
My goal here is not to talk about religion or politics.
It's like a bad date.
You just don't do it.
Um, if, if you sit down and you're, when I was dating, I've been married four
years now.
And before that I was married and that I was divorced 24 years ago.
Cause I'm 180.
Um, which is good because that's how my comedy goes.
Also, uh, not too clever, but, um, I'm my own self critic.
So if you have any comments, you're going to leave at the end of this thing.
Where you, uh, subscribe, where you subscribe to this forever.
Cause I'm going to be doing this till the end of time till they launch me into
a time capsule into space.
And then I'll be like, you ever see the movie contact with, uh, Jodie Foster
and John Hurt.
I know I've lost millennials and Gen X, but it's a good movie, but, um, I'm
going to be in a space station
and I will still be outputting this product, uh, for you guys, this program,
this thing.
This, this, uh, this confab, this conversation.
That's what this is.
This is a conversation, right?
I mean, you're not answering and I can't hear you even though this voice is in
my head.
Um, and let's not, let's not take that lightly either.
You know, we do make jokes.
Everybody's sensitive.
I'm known for having a bit, a bit of a rebald sense of humor.
Rebald means that you shave your junk.
No, that's not what it means.
It means, uh, you know, body, uh, nasty sense of humor.
And it's only been on a couple of specials and 20 years of standup that I was
like that,
but I'm kind of changing.
I'm, I've, I was just about, I have a tour going on that it's, uh, I'm moving
the dates.
Um, and I'll be back doing comedy strong.
I started to say a little bit ago that three, about three years ago, I, I had
finished my
last special.
I didn't think I was going to do another one.
I didn't know what was happening.
And then with the climate in the world and with all the dissension and all the
anger that
we were experiencing and still are, although the pandemic is taking people's
minds off of
that a bit.
And, uh, we have a common enemy, which is this, this virus.
Um, herpes was, was pretty bad also.
Um, especially for old people.
That's why I stopped kissing old people.
I used to French the fuck out of them.
Uh, see, that's not what I want to say.
I don't want some 10 year old hearing this.
Yeah.
Cause they may not get what French is, but I don't know if this is going to
pull people
together.
I know that we have a common enemy that we are going to, we're going to beat.
This is one that we can beat.
If a Mars attack, you ever see that movie, Tim Burton movie, sorry if my
references are
a little old, but it's right there.
If you go on any of the, uh, anything you hit Apple TV, you hit Netflix or
anything, Mars
attack is there somewhere.
And it's these guys that come here and blow the shit out of the earth and they're
funny
and they're mean.
Uh, uh, Oh, spoiler alert.
And it kind of brings us together.
But once Cloverfield is over, uh, you know, do we go back to regular life?
Um, in the Cloverfield case, cause JJ Abrams is a genius.
It'll never be over.
They'll keep making Cloverfield movies of some kind.
Even if they're just Cloverfield lane, Cloverfield street, Cloverfield lunchbox.
Um, don't open the Cloverfield lunchbox.
It's got arachnoids in it.
So the deal is I just want to soothe you.
If I was with you and I could touch you and I didn't have to have this body
distance thing,
um, I would give you a full body massaged.
I'm just kidding around.
I would not touch you except in the prostate.
Uh, by the way, by the way, that is not meant to be offensive.
Cause I am over 60 years old, just over.
And, um, I got to get it checked, but I can't, I'm not getting any check.
I'm not, I'm not having no doctor touch my body until this thing is under
control.
I mean my body, cause my body's just out of control.
My, uh, my wife and I have been, you find out what your relationship is made of
during a
time when you're locked in a bunker.
Um, that's where I am right now.
Uh, as I said, future episodes are going to be, um, probably audio only, but,
u