Name: Bob Monologues on How Comedy and Hygiene Have Evolved | Bob Saget
Uploaded: 2020-05-13T17:00:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bob Monologues on How Comedy and Hygiene Have Evolved | Bob Saget' from Bob Saget on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bob Monologues on How Comedy and Hygiene Have Evolved | Bob Saget' from Bob Saget on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-13. Transcript available.

Bob Monologues on How Comedy and Hygiene Have Evolved | Bob Saget

hey and welcome to another i'm i'm excited about this episode because it's just
me um and yes i
got great guests coming up i've got people i get to call coming up thanks to
you guys who call in
and leave messages on the number at the top of the thing and um i love calling
you guys and talking
to you again this is bob sagat's here for you and i say my name in a sentence
because you know that's
what i do um and i've been reflecting over a lot of stuff because everybody's
got a podcast i mean
literally everybody my ups guy has a whole thing about you know point of view
of his boxes and where
he's going with him and or she and people don't know i mean i've been rushed by
people that come to my
yard with a with a box and they just come to me and they don't even think
because out of habit we're
used to having social distance not be a thing but it's happened it's happened
and i think it's always
going to be that way i think we're going to be you know it's not the boy in the
bubble time but i think
we're always going to be more conscious i mean how many times have you been on
an airplane bathroom and
not given any thought to just opening the doorknob on it you just opened it you
walked in you touched
stuff you washed your hands after but then you go and touch the doorknob again
i always grabbed a paper
towel still in a howie mandel fashion and i would let myself out and then let
myself back in and then
throw the thing out but the plane was covered in fungi you know it was and uh
yeah if i was really
low blow on comedy i'd say and i'm a fun guy but i'm not doing that i don't do
that kind of stuff
because i'm not i'll do a dad joke but sometimes you can do one and just throw
an f-bomb in it and
you're fine you know then nobody gets hurt i'm a fun guy no that didn't help
didn't help it at all
that just goes to prove that cursing doesn't help uh unless it's used properly
and not necessarily as
a verb anyway the world's changed people i've been talking to that you've been
talking to we know what's
going on out there everybody's in a different mode you can't really get massaged
unless you're in a
state that's allowing it sometimes people want to cross state line just to get
a you know a happy
ending but i don't think that's the kind of massage it's funny that massage
parlors was on the list
of one of the things to open as quickly as possible it's like i don't know it's
like the government said
hey i need my happy ending after work so i got to go and do that uh anyway this
is just a a time of
change and uh i'm fine with it because i don't mind being alone with my wife i
like it um i miss my kids
really badly the ones that i know about uh the ones that i don't they're online
you know text me you're
my dad you know i wish i had a dad that's kind of how this whole thing happened
is because i was kind
of america's dad from tv back in the day i kind of am still like that i am a
dad you know and um i love
my kids more than anything and when they're hurting i would i just want to help
them but um you can't do
anything if they're in new york and i'm in la and here i am recording the home
edition continually
i'm touching my face right now i want you to know that i'm scratching my nose
which is a large
uh consequential nose so i'm proud of it if you're going to give me a nose at
least let me have one
and i i i was double downed on by my dna but dna and my family forget about it
i don't know there's a
a lot of a lot of issues there a lot of people with problems i'm just
scratching my face it's like
it's the end of the day so i'm sitting here scratching my face with hands that
are clean they
are pure road but how many airplane bathrooms have you walked into over the
years where you didn't even
think about it you would just wait for the person to come out and then just
hold the handle on the
door and go into the bathroom and not even think okay i've already got the
problem whatever it is it'd be the
flu or it'd be a cold or it'd be some kind of weird thing you know it wasn't
like you can get like i
don't know herpes from touching the door handle on the airplane bathroom and
then touching your mouth
you don't touch that handle and go in the bathroom and first thing you do is i'm
away from people i
can't wait to touch my mouth but that's not what you do i have gone in the
bathroom with my phone i
don't know if any of you have done this and you're on wi-fi and if you got any
kind of business to do
first thing if you got to do the whole deal and drop one don't do it on a plane
if you can get it
out before you get on people haven't done anything responsibly responsibly they've
done it they've done
it they've read responsibly they go to the bathroom responsibly you you go
after me but responsibly
i'm saying practice safe bathroom etiquette and we're far from that i don't
think you can teach people
how to wash their hands like that's what was going on you know all the
scientists came out this is the
way we wash our hands that's literally what they were doing except saying it it
was kindergarten so
people in this world don't know distance it's it's the seinfeld thing the guy
that uh judge reinhold
played that talks too close to you that's right in your face that's it right
there you're gonna get
whatever that person has it's going in your mouth um and that's what that's
what people i i guess they
just i guess it's the way they they learned i guess it's the way they weren't
taught things how to be
socially uh appropriate just to make other people comfortable i never i i mean
i went to chest bumping
we're all doing elbows we're not doing any of that now and i had an exterminator
at the house this week
this has been a big week for me because i've had a rat problem for three years
and i'm getting rid of
that agent that's such an old kind of premise but anyway i've had a rat problem
and i had to have
the guy in the house and he's really considerate he's got the the mask with the
whole deal with the
extra compartments in it and i don't know what they are but it looks like he's
going underwater or
flying a jet and he's a good guy so i sit nine feet away but then i had to have
another guy
because they think there's stuff up on the roof that rats can get you ever see
rats on the roof it
was beautiful they played a little fiddle wow i think i just did something
accidentally self-loathing
uh just just forget that i meant anything that i didn't mean you know what i'm
talking about some of
you anyway so uh he found out they need screens on the roof over some of the
little pipes and stuff
so rats can't get in because i got a rat in the wall there's a wall behind me
right now literally this
wall and uh i don't know why i'm telling you because it's a visual but i got
video going but just for no
reason i'm at home with video going i'm running many mediums i'm going to
microfiche after this but
i don't hear the rat right now which is interesting which means he might be
caught because he's there's
his trap up there he's caught in a trap he can't get out because i put the guy
put slim jims on it
they're not a product that i'm endorsing but if it's a long highway ride don't
think i won't eat one
or at least walk by it look at it decide if i'm going to go with turkey jerky
or they don't have fish
jerky and i think that's good because a long trip that's going to make you go
to a restroom in a gas
station i said a friend of mine said i'm still going to the gas station so you
just go to the
restroom and uh he didn't laugh because we're uh we're still depends on where
you are right now
some people listening to this around the world or people around north america
and the u.s they're able
to cohabitate not be concerned uh some people have had a test that tell them if
they've had the disease
but we don't know if that works but we'll find out and one day i understand in
the next 35 years
we're going to have literally an antidote there will be uh you know we'll all
get it we'll get the shot
and it'll be the vaccine that will will uh stop us from getting this supposedly
um unless you're uh
i'm not going to do bad taste humor i can't do it i can't do anything political
or religious
because it's just enough don't you think when you watch tv and you get the news
i know a lot of you
aren't even watching the news you can't take it but you have been understanding
what it's like
to be alone in a single apartment in a big city and or a one-bedroom apartment
and you're there and
you just can't you haven't left and some people are out and going about their
lives right now so
it depends on where you are in the world in any case i've been thinking about
everybody a lot you can't
walk around with the burdens of the world but i do um the burdens are a couple
from down the street
i go around with them and we go around the world let me explain that even
further i'll go around the
the neighborhood with the burdens of the world because that's anyway so um i'm
most concerned
that you're well and that your family's okay but i know and you know that this
has brought people
together and um and it wasn't like that when i was a kid i i i would i was like
walking home from
school in norfolk virginia and i'm walking on the street and i was getting
really hassled by these
teenagers in a car and they were like yelling stuff at me a lot of uh you know
racial kind of things
and religious kind of slurs at me and i was just afraid i was going to get hit
by the car they were
going to hurt me and i i was pretty much a wuss i got in one fight with a kid
who who kept calling me a
jew and um and i don't know i you know i knew why because that's how that's
what i was a jewish person
but i ended up gone fighting him i went i'm not a fighter right i look like one
but i'm not and i went
into the back of the schoolyard in norfolk virginia and we had a fight and i
thought my best friend
buzzy was uh gonna root me on but i gave him my watch too i said buzzy hold my
watch i'm gonna fight
this kid jesse who's been saying mean things to me and and buzzy held my watch
and then cheered jesse
on and that's when i realized that that kids are pricks they just can flip on a
dime and just treat
you like and it's uh it's unfortunate because you want to be able to believe
that you got friends that
are you know that are they got your back and he and i ended up wildly working
with adrenaline and
i just kind of took jesse on the ground and scratched his elbows it was weird i
was like a
wiley i was like a tasmanian devil with no coordination whereas he at least
could spin and
then stop and drool but i i was just i was fighting i mean but i was like a
foot and a half taller than
him then he started kicking in the nuts and i said hey you're not supposed to
do that that's not the rules
because i thought there were rules that's a big geek i was and he kicked me in
the nuts and my nose
started to bleed and i'm sure that was panic but um i thought there was some
more of a connection and
i went to the nurse and then i went home and then my dad told me it was one
long muscle that from your
from your balls to your nose and then if you get kicked in the nuts your nose
can bleed because it's all
one and then i kept saying hey if i if i push on my nose will my wiener get
bigger and then my dad just
kind of smiled and i think he felt bad i think he went through that my dad was
a wuss but he came up
during the depression and raised five kids so he raised his brothers and sister
uh four brothers and
a sister so uh you know they went on the road as the aristocrats for a while
that didn't pan out
my parents did not see that movie i'm glad they did not they were alive too
when that thing came out
but if you don't know what i'm talking about that's just fine the main thing is
that you're not going
bonkers and that you're not um that you're not miserable the whole time because
there are positive
things that come out of this i'm connecting with people that i haven't
connected with in a long time
and a lot of them ar