Name: Greg Fitzsimmons and Bob Talk About Stand-Up and Sabotaging Each Other's Acts
Uploaded: 2020-10-26T17:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Greg Fitzsimmons and Bob Talk About Stand-Up and Sabotaging Each Other's Acts' from Bob Saget on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Greg Fitzsimmons and Bob Talk About Stand-Up and Sabotaging Each Other's Acts' from Bob Saget on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-26. Transcript available.

Greg Fitzsimmons and Bob Talk About Stand-Up and Sabotaging Each Other's Acts

Hey guys, Bob Saget here, right?
And it's Bob Saget's here for you.
It's really weird to say my name,
but it's almost like a rap song
where you say your name over and over again.
Vanilla Ice Ice, Bob Saget.
I hope you're doing okay
in this interesting, unusual, difficult time.
And I hope you're well and all that stuff.
I have a wonderful friend on the podcast today.
I sound like a radio guy at four in the morning in Colorado.
I have a great guy tonight.
We're gonna talk to him.
This is my friend, Greg Fitzsimmons.
He is an author, a stand-up comedian
for many, many years, long time, man, and ladies.
And he is just really smart.
He's got four podcasts going.
He is a podcast king.
And we're gonna talk all about those and about comedy.
And I just really like him.
He's really smart, really funny.
Gives me a hard time.
I deserve it.
My voice cracked.
I deserve it.
Hi, boys and girls.
And I haven't slept.
I didn't sleep well last night.
It's one of those,
I don't know if you guys are having trouble sleeping,
but if you are, take these pills.
So anyway, I don't have any pills.
That's the problem.
But that's not a problem.
It's good.
That's good.
No pills.
And I don't know, melatonin?
Highly overrated.
But Greg Fitzsimmons is not.
So before I introduce him
and we see him on this wonderful Zoom,
if you're watching on the YouTube,
you can do what you do with this podcast.
You subscribe, you rate, review it.
You know what you do.
And say positive things.
Give it five stars like a Michelin restaurant
that's still alive.
And I'll get through this whole time
that's insane in the world.
Boy, my heart goes out to restaurants right now.
Damn.
Anyway, back to the happiness of the podcast.
And I call you guys sometimes.
So there's a phone number up there in your menu,
wherever you're listening to this.
And it tells you, you can call me.
And I'll list on Twitter or Instagram stories
or Facebook when I'm going to call you guys.
And you call, you leave a message.
And then I do call often.
And once a week on Thursdays, usually,
I'll have a show where I call people
and see how they're doing.
Because I actually genuinely care.
I'm sorry, eye rollers and sarcastic people.
I can't help it.
I give a shit.
So speaking of giving a shit,
here's a guy who does.
Greg Fitzsimmons right here.
Greg Fitzsimmons.
Oh, my God.
I love Greg Fitzsimmons.
He is one of the funniest people
and king of podcasting.
One of them.
I think he's got nine podcasts, 400 books.
Here he wants to be admitted.
All right.
I'll admit him.
I admit.
There you go.
Did you change shirts?
You changed hats.
You said, you told me.
All right.
Are we recording?
I want to talk about this.
No, this is real.
This is real.
I'm a professional now.
I know how to hit a button.
So I got this going and that going.
And the truth of it is,
just because you've been doing this for 20 years.
How long have you been doing this?
31.
You've been doing podcasting 31 years?
No, no.
Podcasting 11.
Stand-up comedy 31.
Radio?
Radio for 12 also.
Right.
Yeah.
Now, I have questions because, you know,
you try to.
We're friends, right?
Even though you might not think so.
What are you talking about?
I went to your 60th birthday party with the Beach Boys.
And you know why?
Because I adore you.
That's why.
I adore you, too.
I feel like.
I know.
I feel like even though we didn't cross paths until later,
we'd already both been doing it for.
And whose fault is that?
Whose fault is that?
I've been doing it for 40-something plus.
Well, you started.
You're a 40-something plus.
You.
I'm 30 now.
I'm 31.
What size bra do you wear?
I'm a 34A.
Right, right.
I'm a AA because I love those batteries.
I use them on all my things.
So, okay.
So, you've been doing stand-up for 30, right?
31 years.
Holy crap.
Yeah.
And is the serious thing still going?
Are you the...
No, that ended about a year ago.
Why did that end?
I loved you on it.
Thank you.
You were the second highest rated things on, you know, Howard.
Well, I was the second highest rated because I was literally the only other
show on the channels.
No, there's the after show.
Well, there's the after show.
That's right.
There was, you know, there was a time when they were trying to produce a lot of
other programming.
And they did on Howard 101.
They had Riley Martin who believed in UFOs.
Didn't believe in them.
He had been abducted by UFOs.
Well, he should come back strong now because this is the era of him.
This is his time.
Oh, it's too bad.
Well, maybe he can come back.
Let's start that theory.
Well, if he comes back, you've still got to get his show back.
And that might be harder than coming back alive.
If you can get into the serious building and you're a zombie because you're
dead, but you came back as a zombie and you eat brains, you'll get it.
They're going to open the...
They'll put you in that elevator, the little turnstile.
You can get through that and they'll take it to whatever floor the elevators
pretend they're taking you to.
That's right.
You'll get a face scan and when you're a goblin, it always works, the face scan.
He's going to be a gremlin or something weird.
You know what I hate about comedians?
I love all comedians except for the mean ones, but I still love some of them.
But when all writers in a comedy room or whatever, and I just did it, I found
myself guilty of it.
You say the joke and the joke or the words and they're fine, but the other
writer or comedian in the room automatically wants to better it.
Yeah.
Or just really all they're doing is their own synonymous words of it.
You know, you said a goblin, so I had to say a gremlin.
And there was no need for that.
No, I completely disagree.
As somebody who sat in...
Is gremlin better than...
Because you're a writer.
I mean, you're an amazing writer.
No, I think I said goblin because Halloween is coming up and I was free associating...
I hate Halloween.
It's just me because I wear costumes for a living.
So, you know...
No, it is where Halloween in Hollywood, it feels like an oxymoron.
You know, it's like...
I know an oxymoron.
That's all he does is oxy.
He's so dumb.
Everybody who does oxy is a moron, for the most part.
Yeah, and some of them are in office.
Yeah.
Or the sons of...
No, you get somebody knocking on your door and you open it up and you're like,
oh my God, your dress is John Stamos.
And he's like, no, I am John Stamos.
That's a good joke.
Have you said that before?
No.
That's great.
You're just...
You should go on stage right now.
I am.
This weekend, I'm going to Cleveland.
Whoa.
Actually, by the time this airs, I will have already been to Cleveland, but...
So, you missed him, Cleveland.
I'm so sorry.
Where were you?
I was at Cleveland Hilarities.
Right.
And I am...
Because of that, my wife is quarantining me, so...
Why are you doing it?
I mean, I know we all want to...
Everybody makes a living and you want to do stand-up.
I mean, you and I...
So, you did Cleveland because...
I kind of forgot that I was still a comedian and all of my dates got...
You're not the only one.
No, it's been seven months and, you know...
Right, I mean, other people forgot that you're a comedian.
Oh, right, right.
And it's hard.
That's why I stay on social media, but people...
Right, same here.
People go, you're a comedian?
Yeah, right.
And you try to put out...
I've been releasing old stand-up clips.
Right, right.
Like, every Friday I put out...
I had taped an hour of material that I was going to give to Netflix and Comedy
Central and
see if I can get a special.
Then the pandemic hit, and I just decided to take that hour that I shot in
Portland on
two cameras.
It's good quality, but it's just a club show.
Right.
One show.
I taped it all in one show.
Was it Helium?
No, yeah, yeah, Helium with Portland.
I love it.
It's great.
It's a great club.
It's a wonderful club.
And that's why I felt like, because it's such a good club, I felt like, you
know what,
let me...
This is what I do.
When I do a special, I'm in a theater that has 1,600 people and a balcony, and
I'm not
used to performing in that venue.
You are.
That's more of like, you know, you...
Well, I also do a small venue.
I did a...
My last special was at the Wormsburg Hall of Music, and that's, you know, not
gigantic.
It can be like 900 people if you can get them in there, but not with cameras.
With cameras, it made it smaller, but...
But Portland's probably 350 or something.
Yeah.
And so...
It's like the OR.
No, no, Portland's smaller.
Is it?
Yeah, yeah.
It's kind of like the original room-ish.
Yeah, which is a perfect size room.
The OR is the perfect room.
I like it a little bigger, but that's...
I'm not talking about comedy now.
Sorry.
Why do women want it bigger?
Don't you think that...
Aren't you sort of...
Isn't that a tell that you have a giant vagina?
Yes, I understand, but you just told everyone you have a small penis, is what
you just did.
No, I don't.
I have a big penis.
Well, what?
No, Greg, Greg, Greg.
Greg Fitzsimmons' penis, ladies and gentlemen, was just in Cleveland, and where
will you be next?
Are you really touring?
The reason I...
No, no, no, I'm not touring.
The reason I went to Cleveland is all my fall dates, and I had a busy fall, and
they all got canceled.
Yeah, everything's gone.
I know.
I saw your website.
I saw you rescheduling everything.
And then I forgot that Cleveland didn't cancel.
And then two weeks ago, the club owner texts me about, you know, my
transportation from the airport or something, and I was like, what?
And then he calls me, and I'm like, dude, I forgot.
I'm coming.
At this point, they've already sold the tickets, so I can't cancel.
Well, you can.
I mean, they could, you could say because of stuff, but are they doing 100%
occupancy?
No, no, no, no.
They're doing like 30 or 40%.
And, you know, the hotel is directly across from the club, and...
Not in my life.
And the, uh, right.
Right.
Now, you're in Cincinnati because the hotels are better.
And it's got high ceilings and a balcony, so I feel like that's a big safer.
So you can jump?
Yeah.
I might as well.
The problem on the balcony in Cleveland is if the guy above you is, like,
smoking a cigar, his droplet will go right into your mouth.
That's true.
Right above you.
I don't think they're going to be filling the balcony on these shows.
I think it's going to be like, I'm going to, I'm going to...
I meant your room.
I actually meant your, your hotel room.
Oh, right, right, right.
Sorry.
Yeah.
So do you, this is why you did it, because you need to do it, right?
I need to do it.
Desperately.
I've done it twice.
One of the times I did stand-up in the last seven months was with you.
Yeah.
Which was really fun, and it was really like...
What happened to us then?
Something happened where you, we were doing, I was nervous because of COVID,
because it was, everybody had masks.
There were like 20 people.
It was Tom Papa's show.
Yeah.
And it was a bunch of friends.
And I didn't recognize Mary Lynn Rice Cup because she had a mask on.
I didn't even, oh, I didn't even see her.
I didn't recognize her.
Exactly.
It was very strange to have friends there and not be able to talk to them much,
not want to either.
It was, and so you and I had like a spatially distant kind of encounter, and
then you said something about, I don't know what happened.
What happened?
And then you got scared.
You upset me, and I was scared that I upset you.
We were like, you, you're not Jewish, but you, you're Catholic, right?
It's the same.
Catholics have the same kind of guilt.
I know, I'm saying, you know, it's a hundred percent.
That's what I'm saying.
Yeah.
Because we Catholic and Jewish circled each other, and I don't know what we did
because we're friends.
I don't know what happened.
Do you remember?
Yeah, I think what happened is, like, comedians are dead honest, and I think
when we're backstage, we try to be, not confrontational, but I think you want
to be, I hadn't seen comedians in so long that I really.
I'm a human being, though.
You're profiling me.
No, bu