Name: Bill Burr - Stand-up Compilation (includes old footage)
Uploaded: 2016-03-25T21:51:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Stand-up Compilation (includes old footage)' from Comedy of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-03-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Stand-up Compilation (includes old footage)' from Comedy of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-03-25. Transcript available.

I'm awful with computers. I'm one of those guys basically every button I hit on
my computer,
my computer has to like shut down, like regroup, somehow like deal with my idiocy,
you know
what I mean? Then there's always like some eight-year-old I see later on on a
laptop like
he's like breaking into the Pentagon, downloading movies that haven't even been
made yet, I just
got a plane ticket for six bucks, he just want to slam his head in the thing. I'll
tell you
the only thing I like about my computer is I really enjoy spellcheck. No I love
it, you
know what I love about spellcheck? You know I have to be close to getting the
word right.
Have you ever noticed that? All you got to do is just get it like somewhere
like within
the ballpark of the word. It's almost like your computer can just start
guessing like
I don't know, dinosaur? You know when you are sitting there like an idiot like
nah, I wasn't
trying to spell dinosaur. So then what does your computer do? It starts
throwing out like
every D word it can possibly think of like okay how about dictionary, diary,
any of this
stuff looking familiar. Are we moving towards the goal or away from it? You
ever spell a word
so bad though your spell check has absolutely no clue what the hell you are
trying to spell?
What do you end up getting? You end up getting like a question mark. You got a
million dollars
worth of technology just looking back at you like. Just like you got me buddy!
Which is pretty amazing
because I have all the words! Yeah and that doesn't look like any of them! I
can't even make a guess that's
so screwed up! Would you like pass out and whack your head off the keyboard?
Please tell me you are not that stupid!
I love my dad man, he is hilarious. He is such an emotional guy you know? You
know how my dad was his funniest song? Was whenever you like broke something?
Because my dad would totally flip out right? But the words he used, you would
have actually thought it was a good thing. You know what I mean? Like you would
break a window, pshh! He would be like nice!
Real nice! Real nice! Oh that's beautiful! That is just beautiful! Hey why don't
you break them all? Make a nice breeze going!
And I was watching the Food Network recently. I swear to God that channel is
unbelievable! It's 24 hours of food! That's got to be like the Playboy channel
in Ethiopia!
I'm serious! If I was in Ethiopia that is the channel I would watch you know? I
wouldn't watch like HBO or ESPN. I would be sitting there watching the food
going "Damn man! Look at that cake!"
You know like hanging out with all my skinny friends. Look at those hot dogs
man!
Come on look at it man! Look at it!
It's bigger than us!
What the hell does she eat?
A cubicle should be illegal man. You know what a cubicle basically says? It
basically says like you know what?
We don't think you are smart enough for an office but we don't want you to look
at anybody.
So you are going to get in there and you are going to shut your face!
And you just get in there and you are like hunched over typing away.
Around lunch time you pop your head up like a gopher like "Hey Steve you want
to get a sandwich or something?"
I said get in there and shut your face!
I was just asking for a sandwich or something. God I hate that guy.
I really hate that guy. It's time to go on the internet and look for a weapon.
You know they are awful!
Every time I see cubicles I just want to run through them and just...
Just knock them down, set everybody free.
It's awful! It's like the same feeling you get when you are like in the pet
store.
And you see all the rabbits and stuff. You just want to let them out!
Pathetic man! You know what I love about the cubicle?
I always love the pathetic attempt to try to make the cubicle like a home.
You know what I mean?
There is always like a stuffed animal in there.
Or like a picture of your mom with like her disappointed eyes looking back out
at you.
Like why have you accepted this as your lot in life?
Why don't you have the balls to get up and walk out of this thing?
I am telling you!
Those people need to be rescued!
You ever walk by a cubicle?
The person in the cubicle always looks back out at you.
Because they are starved for some sort of human contact.
They will just start up a conversation like "Hey hey!"
Is it raining out?
I haven't seen the sky in like 6 days!
They don't let us look out the windows!
I'll tell you one thing I have realized though.
When you go to war man, that's the one time when you really have to like
appreciate rednecks though.
No, you know why?
Because rednecks, they are like the one group of people that actually want to
go to war.
Everybody else tries to get out of it.
Like rich people never go to war.
You ask a college kid if he wants to go to war.
He's just like "I'm taking a sociology class and I think war is like really
stupid.
My roommate is like half Afghani, that's going to cut some static."
You ask a redneck if he wants to go to war, he's just like "Hell yeah!"
Absolutely, I'm ready right now!
You just point the direction buddy, I'm ready to do this!
No, they're frightening people but you got to utilize them.
Seriously, you want to scare the enemy, okay?
And rednecks are like America's pit bulls.
They should just sedate those people, drop them off in Afghanistan, just let
them run wild.
Just be like "Dude, just go do everything you ever dreamed of doing, just go
crazy.
Have one of your friends play the banjo, it'll scare the hell out of them!"
No, that's what I would do man, if I ever ran the draft, I would just draft
psychos.
I would, I wouldn't deal with people who worked in coffee shops.
I'd go into the swamps of this country, I'd get people with rabies.
I would, I'd get perverts, people like to grind up against other people on the
subway.
Just get like the cancer of this society and just send it over there.
Homeless people who like to talk to buildings.
Just send it over there, just irritate them.
Bunch of freaks running around.
Seriously, you wouldn't want to draft a guy like me.
I'm a comedian, I'm useless.
I'm a coward, I don't like confrontations.
You draft a redneck, not only is that dude a psycho, he'll actually save you
money.
Those guys show up to the army like, here's your M16.
They're like, I already got one.
I got some stuff in the trunk you ain't ever seen before buddy.
I went on the internet, got me some of that surface to air stuff.
Took it out hunting, got me a moose and a duck at the same time.
I didn't even see the duck, duck was over her.
I'm aiming at the moose, duck's over her.
That's my peripheral, over her.
And the shot went up the moose's ass and the shrapnel from his antler hit the
duck.
Duck came down, it was the best damn duck ever, right?