Name: Bill Burr - Live at the Just for Laughs Festival - 2004
Uploaded: 2016-05-30T22:47:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Live at the Just for Laughs Festival - 2004' from Comedy of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Live at the Just for Laughs Festival - 2004' from Comedy of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-05-30. Transcript available.

You're at that age where everybody I know is getting married.
People, let me ask you a question.
Why the hell do people keep getting married?
You know what I mean?
Isn't anybody looking at the stats?
What's it like, three out of four marriages go right down the drain now?
People, if you were going skydiving and they told you three out of four parachutes
weren't
going to open, you'd be like, yo, forget it, I'm not going.
I don't like those odds.
I'm just kidding, people.
You know what?
I'll get married.
I'll get married the day I see a married guy who actually, like, looks happy.
You know what I mean?
Because every time you see a married dude, any time you ask him what it's like
being married,
they always tell you it's good, but they have a look on their face like they
have, like,
an appendicitis.
Oh, it's hilarious.
You're like, yeah, you know, so what's it like being married?
They're like, you know, it's good.
It's good.
No, it's good.
You know, it's a lot of work, but, you know, it's good.
You know what I mean?
When you meet that right person and, you know, it starts to click, you know, it's
definitely
it's a good thing.
You know, I enjoy it.
You'll meet that person.
You know when you know.
I can't feel my legs.
No, you know when you know.
It's definitely, it's a good thing.
I love women, though.
This is my deal.
I love women, but you know what I'm finding?
I'm not compatible with them.
You know?
I'm serious.
Women have, like, too much energy for me.
That's what I've noticed, you know?
Like, you can't have a day off when you have a girlfriend.
They just, like, see that open day.
They're like, oh, my God, let's go fill it up with some stuff.
No, and then they just come at you with one horrible idea after another.
Horrible ideas.
Like, you want to make some sandwiches and go to the park?
No, every one of the ideas involves, like, walking around, like, looking at
stuff.
It's almost like they're trying to wear you down.
After, like, two or three stores, you're, like, leaning on stuff.
Ah, I don't care.
Just buy something.
I don't care.
You know what the worst one is?
You ever get that one?
You want to go to brunch?
You want to go to brunch on Sunday?
And inside, you're, like, no!
But you can't say that.
You got to keep them happy, right?
So what do you do?
You're, like, yeah, let's go to brunch.
What a great idea.
Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs?
Now you're thinking.
Now you're thinking.
Then we can sit around and listen to your friends have moronic conversations
about the eggs.
It's like, is that pesto?
Is that pesto in your omelet?
Oh, it's asparagus.
It's asparagus.
I thought it was pesto.
Oh, you just want to flip the whole table over and just run out of there.
I like to play blackjack.
I'm not addicted to gambling.
I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I've thought about that, putting a gun to a pilot's head.
That'd feel real good.
Just one time.
This is a hijacking.
Where do you want to go, Cuba?
No, I want to go where this plane was supposed to be five f***ing hours ago!