Name: Bill Burr - Why Do I Do This - 2008 - Stand-up Special
Uploaded: 2016-06-11T23:04:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Why Do I Do This - 2008 - Stand-up Special' from Comedy of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - Why Do I Do This - 2008 - Stand-up Special' from Comedy of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-06-11. Transcript available.

Bill Burr - Why Do I Do This - 2008 - Stand-up Special

The first time I was in the city of St. Louisville, I was in the city of St.
Louisville, and I was in the city of St. Louisville, and I was in the city of
St. Louisville, and I was in the city of St. Louisville.
St. Louisville, and I was in the city of St. Louisville, and I was in the city
of St. Louisville, and I was in the city of St. Louisville, and I was in the
city of St. Louisville, and I was in the city of St. Louisville, and I was in
the city of St. Louisville, and I was in the city of St. Louisville, and I was
in the city of St. Louisville, and I was in the city of St. Louisville, and I
was in the city of St. Louisville, and I was in the city of St. Louisville, and
I was in the city of St. Louisville.
St. Louisville, and I was in the city of St. Louisville, and I was in the city
of St. Louisville, and I was in the city of St. Louisville, and I was in the
city of St. Louisville, and I was in the city of St. Louisville, and I was in
the city of St. Louisville, and I was in the city of St. Louisville, and I was
in the city of St. Louisville.
St. Louisville, and I was in the city of St. Louisville, and I was in the city
of St. Louisville, and I was in the city of St. Louisville, and I was in the
city of St. Louisville, and I was in the city of St. Louisville, and I was in
the city of St. Louisville, and I was in the city of St. Louisville, and I was
in the city of St. Louisville, and I was in the city of St. Louisville.
St. Louisville, and I was in the city of St. Louisville, and I was in the city
of St. Louisville, and I was in the city of St. Louisville, and I was in the
city of St. Louisville, and I was in the city of St. Louisville, and I was in
the city of St. Louisville, and I was in the city of St. Louisville, and I was
in the city of St. Louisville, and I was in the city of St. Louisville.
Not bad. All right, all right, okay. Thank you, thank you. Jesus Christ. Give
out some free tickets. Everybody shows up, huh? He's like, "This guy fucking
rocks, man!" Free tickets. I like this guy. All right. Well, it's good to be
here, man. It's nice to be back in town here in New York. I didn't do shit
today. I didn't. I'm a loser, man. I just sat around watching TV and all that
type of stuff, and I'm gonna tell you something, man. You know what? I'm sick
of pedophiles.
Man, sex offenders. Dude, they're on every channel. Everybody is doing
something on sex offenders, you know? It's like, dude, I got it. There's people
out there touching kids, you know? But it's not everybody. It's a very small
portion of the population, so, you know, take it down a few, 'cause you're
making it fucking awkward out there.
Dude, you can't say hi to kids anymore. I love kids.
I love kids. I like making faces at 'em on the airplane, making 'em laugh.
Now parents are like, "Is that sex offenders?" They start huddling their kids
in, making me feel like a freak, you know?
I'm terrified of kids now. Remember back in the day when a kid would come
walking up to you? You could pat 'em on the head.
"Hey, hey, Rusty, how you doing?" Right? Now a kid comes walking up, I'm like,
"Dude, get that thing the fuck away from me.
Get it away from me. I'm serious, dude. Get it away from me." Hands are up high,
not aroused, just terrified, please, for the love of God. I'm serious. Get that
thing away from me, all right?
Don't need the FBI or that's a Catch a Predator guy to come walking out. Like,
"What are you doing here? What are you doing here? No, no, no. Sit down."
That show to Catch a Predator, man, that is horrible PR for white people, huh?
Jesus Christ. Can they move that show to an urban area every once in a while
and just catch a couple of R. Kellys peeing on some kids, you know?
Just balance it out a little bit. It's like just every dude walking in that
house got to look like me, like,
"Hey, I'm here to fucking eight-year-olds. How are you?"
No, but it's unbelievable. Everybody is talking about pedophiles and all that
type of stuff. I don't know.
Maybe there's more of them nowadays. Is it, like, easier now because of the
Internet, you know?
You know, because back in the day, you had to work for it, right? You know?
You had to get an ice cream truck. You had to buy some funicles.
You had to figure out when the kids got out of school. You pick a straggler,
you know?
Now, you just go on the Internet. You just Google "www.8-year-old whose parents
are falling asleep." You know? You're in there.
No, it's unreal. When was the last time you saw a kid riding a bicycle down the
street?
You're never gonna see that shit again. You never see 'em playing outside.
Parents just have 'em inside now, man. They're just feeding 'em and feeding 'em,
you know?
Just making 'em fatter and fatter. You're trying to make 'em unfuckable.
That's what it is. That's why you see all these 250-pound eight-year-olds just
come waddling out of the house.
You can't get that kid in the car. I'm serious. Pedophiles, in general, they're
very skinny people.
They gotta start chalking up their forearms and fucking blowing out their back.
It's just a theory, people. Seriously.
Honestly. Don't take this shit too seriously.
Does he really think that? Does he think that that's why there's...
I don't know. I rented that movie, uh, Pride recently. Have you guys seen that
movie?
Anybody see that? It's about the first all-black swim team and the difficulties
they had to go through being the first all-black swim team.
Let me ask you a question. How many of those white people are evil movies are
they gonna make?
It's like, it's all the way down to swimming.
You know?
I'm starting to run out of white guilt, you know?
No, it's like those movies. They started off unbelievable.
Started off with roots, right?
White guilt was at an all-time high.
I could barely even watch it.
I'm like, dude, I got it.
My ancestors are evil, okay?
Please. Please turn the channel, dude.
Please turn the channel.
They're still hitting him.
Fuck! Turn the channel.
This is gonna be on all week. Jesus Christ, turn the channel.
In the '80s, there was like a football movie, then like Cuba Gooding, wanna be
like a scuba diver, remember that shit?
And now, it's all the way down to swimming, and I gotta admit, I don't think I
give a fuck.
You know?
I'm not trying to be a dick, but it's a recreational activity.
Plus, I've been in pools, there's been black people in the pool, you know?
I never saw any white guy, like, trying to, like, fucking, like, prevent people
from getting into the pool.
It's like, are they just, like, making this shit up?
I'm not being a dick here, either, okay?
Just to clarify, you know, I just want anybody coming up to me after the show,
like, you know, I was thinking it, then you fucking said it, and then...
I'm not saying that I don't think black people should be allowed to put on some
Speedos and go for a dip.
I'm not saying that shit, I'm just saying...
These movies, like, the characters aren't even believable.
Like, they always have to have, like, that, the over-the-top, uninhibited white
racist character, you know?
You know that guy? He's the guy, like, uh, he's supposed to represent all the
white evil, you know?
He's like the dude they always have, like, screaming during the movie trailer.
They'd be like, "They were the first all-black swim team."
"Get out of the pool!"
He's got, like, a big vein in his forehead.
He's just screaming shit, not even looking around, you know?
Dude, it's ridiculous.
Real racism is quiet.
It's subtle.
People look around first.
Make sure the...
You know, they make sure the coast is clear.
There's disclaimers.
Like, dude, you know I'm not racist, but, uh, these insert group name followed
by fucked up conversation, right?
That's how it goes now.
It's not just some guy just standing up there.
There's Negroes in the pool!
Do you approve of this?
I work at the bank.
Could I be fired immediately, please?
I'm just saying, could you just make the shit, like, believable?
You know, the honest thing is in those movies, they're starting to give me a
complex.
You know?
'Cause any time they do a movie about a group of people that thinks dumb shit
about another group of people,
it's always like white dudes.
So, it's like, are white dudes the only ones who think ignorant shit about
other people, you know?
No Mexican guy ever walked up to somebody from India, like, "Dude, what the
fuck is that?
Is that, like, itchy?
Is that bug you?
White dude's the only ones walking around, like, "Why you guys don't eat cows?"
"What are you, a bunch of fags?"
"Well, then why are you wearing sandals?"
"This guy's wearing sandals!
This guy's a fat!"
No, I'm just saying, you know, just balance the movies out a little bit.
Like, just have some of the evil shit that black people say about white people,
you know, when we're not around, you know?
Like, like, what are some good examples, you know?
You know, like, you know what I mean?
You're hanging out.
You had a rough day, you know?
What are some of the classics?
You know what?
You smell like wet dogs, right?
You got headlights or something like that, right?
Just, just slip some of that shit in there.
Get out of the pool!
Wash your hair, motherfucker, right?
You know, the fucker friend just...
Make it seem a little more...
Dude, I'm just saying, it's all the way down to swimming.
I mean, where the fuck do you go from there?
What do you do, like, ping pong?
They were the first all-black ping pong team.
They're gonna steal the paddles.
Denzel Washington.
My daughter's not playing ping pong!
You got to go out there and show the white man your bad, ping pong.
No, I'm not, I'm not saying, uh...
I don't know, it's always just weird bringing this shit up, but...
No, I'm not saying white people aren't evil, either.
'Cause I know we're evil.
I got that evil in me.
I do, I can, so I can feel it.
That's why I try to suppress it.
I try to dress casual, you know what I mean?
I'm serious, man.
I tried a suit on the other day, I felt it coming up.
Like, fuck, man, I want to take over some shit, right?
I want to start telling people what to do.
I want to go pollute a lake, blaming on my secretary, you know?
Dude, I don't even like those movies when they make black and white people get
along, man.
Even those ones seem ridiculous, you know?
'Cause there always has to be, like, some sort of lesson in those movies.
Just like, you know, I never looked at it that way.
And it's like, that never happens, you know?
Any time I've ever hung out with a black dude, at no point during the evening
is he, like,
tried to, like, teach me how to dance, you know?
You know that interracial footloose moment they always have to have in those
movies?
And I never go to his neighborhood and, like, try to, like, save a school, you
know?
How many times are they gonna make that movie?
You know that movie?
The white person goes into the projects.
They just have to make a difference.
You know, they just made that movie again with, uh, what was it, Hilary Swank?
It's like, did you even need to go see it?
It's like, let me guess, she shows up and they don't accept her, right?
And she goes home, she cries to her effeminate boyfriend who's wearing sweatpants
and he's cooking something for some reason, right?
And he convinces her, he convinces her to give it one more chance, right?
So then she goes back down there, she starts drawing out their inner beauty.
Next thing you know, they put a do-rag on her, she starts fucking dancing.
And it's just embarrassing for all races involved.
For the love of God, stop making that fucking movie!
Dude, the amount of times they made that movie, I would think I would know
somebody white
who actually did that shit, you know?
Just be like, "Eh, it's Mike, yeah, he saves ghettos."
Eh, it's what he does, you know?
I sit around, I watch SportsCenter, you know, he's in the projects every
weekend.
He's writing his name on the blackboard, "My name's Mr. Michael."
All right, who threw that?
Who threw that?
It's just annoying after a while, you