Name: Bill Burr on Shaq's Five Minutes - Stand-up - Part 1
Uploaded: 2016-07-02T23:37:41.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr on Shaq's Five Minutes - Stand-up - Part 1' from Comedy of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-07-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr on Shaq's Five Minutes - Stand-up - Part 1' from Comedy of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-07-02. Transcript available.

Hi, man, what's up?
How you doing?
Was this too quick a transition?
You know what I mean?
Like nine, ten black dudes in a row
and then like the whitest man on the planet.
I'll let your eyes adjust.
I was watching George Bush today, man.
I don't want to be a dick or anything,
but could that guy like rehearse
before he gives a speech?
You know what I mean?
Just say it like a couple of times.
How awful was he during that hurricane?
He's just walking out, man.
He's just like winging it.
Walking out on the White House lawn.
There's like sun in his eyes.
He's just out there like,
there was a hurricane.
People are wet.
People don't like being wet
unless they're swimming in a pool.
He sounded like a little kid
giving a book report
who like didn't read the book.
He's just up there making up shit
like there was a dog
and he bit somebody
and they didn't like it.
Every night,
I got to watch that idiot on the news
or they're doing stories
about how fat kids are getting.
You see that every night?
Every night they're talking about
kids are obese now.
Not fat kids,
not chubby.
They're obese.
Like bedridden.
Like just laying there.
I had my first heart attack
when I was four.
I was riding on my big wheel.
I couldn't feel my left side.
I began to pass out my head.
I don't want to be a dick,
but how do you get that fat that quick?
I can see you're 30, 40 years old.
You went to McDonald's for 20 years.
You got a little gut going.
But you're five years old.
There's no excuse for that shit.
I'm telling you, man,
that's the parents' fault.
You know, stop feeding them.
He doesn't have any money.
You know, seriously.
He can't go get a job
so he can go buy more food.
He's got to eat whatever you give him.
Just put a plate of seaweed
right in front of him.
Go ahead, eat it.
I don't want to eat it.
Good, go to bed.
Those are your options.
I own you until you're 18.
Do some jumping jacks.
Nobody's parents are ridiculous.
They act like they have no control.
They're like, well,
I don't know what to do.
I mean, I tried to make him eat a salad,
but he didn't want to eat it.
He was like, no, I want a cupcake.
I said, you can't have it.
But then he sat on my chest
and I couldn't breathe
and I just wanted to get up after a while.
People, you need tough love at that moment.
If your kid is obese
and he's still asking for cake,
you got to be like, no, you little shit.
You're eating carrots and celery
until I can pick you up again.
This is ridiculous.
You got a goddamn hernie on your birthday.
I know, look,
I know that seems harsh
to be making fun of obese kids.
I'll tell you why I'm doing it.
They don't really exist.
At least to the level that they're saying.
They're saying it's an epidemic.
You know, which means
when I leave the theater tonight,
I should have, like,
difficulty getting to my car
because of all these fat fucking kids out there,
like,
Jesus Christ,
they're everywhere.
They're like locusts.