Name: Bill Burr on David Letterman - Stand-up - 2007
Uploaded: 2016-07-09T21:50:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr on David Letterman - Stand-up - 2007' from Comedy of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-07-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr on David Letterman - Stand-up - 2007' from Comedy of Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2016-07-09. Transcript available.

It's The Late Show with David Bletterman!
Tonight, from the documentary, sicko Michael Moore
and comedian Bill Burr!
Plus Paul Schaefer and the CBS Orchestra!
Please welcome back to The Late Show, Bill Burr.
Bill, come on out.
All right, thank you.
I gotta stop being a jerk.
No, I do.
I argue with my girlfriend all the time, you know?
And I wanna be, like, it's 'cause she's like a psycho, you know?
But I think once you're on, like, your 30-second girlfriend,
you gotta be like, "All right, maybe it's me."
You know?
Maybe I have some issues.
I don't know, man.
I just, I find women to be, like, relentless.
You know?
They're just, like, constantly coming at you.
They're like these psycho robots that never run out of batteries.
Every day they're just coming at you, like, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.
That's why you gotta get, like, that hand up to try to create some sort of
buffer, you know?
So they'll bounce off it, but they still always come, "Hey, let's go see my
parents.
You wanna try yoga?
You ever have apricots?
Let's go outside.
It's nice.
We should do something."
No, it drives me nuts, but I'm trying to be a good boyfriend.
So, recently my girl took me to a street fair, right?
You guys been to those things?
You know, they close off the block.
There's, like, shawarma.
There's stuff made out of buttons.
You know?
People with no teeth are making keychains.
It's like a typical girlfriend idea.
It sucks and it's gonna take all Saturday, right?
Yeah, she's, like, all excited, like, swinging my arm.
"This is gonna be great!"
I'm, like, praying for lightning, you know?
That was brutal.
So, we came up to this first table we come up to.
There's this big table and nothing but homemade jewelry, right?
Homemade jewelry.
There's, like, twigs.
There's, like, macaroni, right?
It was junk.
It was, like, a table of junk, but she loves it.
She's, like, "Do you like these earrings?
Do you think these are nice?"
I just wanna be, like, "No!"
If they were nice, they'd be in a store, all right?
There'd be a roof.
Some sort of structure would be built around this.
The guy selling it would be wearing shoes.
You know, it's junk, right?
But I'm trying not to be a jerk.
So, I'm like, "No, no, you know what?
It's really nice.
I'm gonna go get some air."
You know, we're outside.
I think there's more air to be had.
No, 'cause I felt like it was gonna snap.
You know what I mean?
You ever get like that?
You ever just get, like, crazy thoughts?
You know?
Like, you ever just, like, walk down the street,
and you see, like, some guy up on a ladder,
you just have the urge to go over and just, like, shaking it?
You know?
Or you see people sitting out on the sidewalk,
they're, like, eating, laughing, like, "Yeah, hey!"
You might come out like, "Yeah, hey!"
Knock all their stuff out.
Dude, I have that all the time.
Seriously, you ever drive down the street,
and you see, like, 30 people up on the sidewalk?
You just think...
No, you don't do it.
You don't do it.
You just think it.
That's what separates, like, the psycho
from the functioning psycho, right?
You start really, like, analyzing it.
Like, if I just leave my hand here,
nobody knows who I am.
I move it two degrees over here.
I'm on the cover of Newsweek.
People cannot stop talking about me.
Right here, it's like, "Hey, Bill,
you wanna go out to the barbecue?
I think we could have a good time.
Now you bring the potato salad."
One of the most horrific scenes we've seen in years!
Body's just screwing about!
I'm just gonna be there.
So I'm feeling these crazy thoughts
at this street fair.
So I come up to this table, right?
Like, 30 yards away,
there's this lady standing there.
She's got this big table
and nothing but muffins, right?
Muffins!
It's like 80 degrees out,
she's selling muffins,
and she's got this big, stupid...
Look at the muffins I made!
Look on her face!
And the second I saw that,
that part of my brain was just like,
"Dude, what would happen
if you just walked up and just said,
"Hey, lady, are these your muffins?
Oh, yeah?"
And I just started going,
"Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack!"
Like, how many of these muffins could I mush
before anybody did anything?
I mean, realistically, I think I could've got the whole table.
Because even if you saw me doing that,
it would take at least three to five seconds to process.
Like, did they say he could do that?
Is it like a game?
To eat the muffin off your fist?
That just seems like a waste of pastry.
Dude, there's no security at a street fair.
There's no bouncer standing there.
He's mushing the muffins.
"Okay, I'm on it."
"Sir, we're gonna have to ask you to leave."
So, I just started thinking of the horrified,
screwed-up look in this lady's face
as I'm slamming these muffins.
And out of nowhere,
I just started laughing like a maniac.
I'm like slumped over this fried dough card.
I'm dying.
My girl looks at me, she's like,
"What the hell are you laughing at?"
And like an idiot, I actually tried to explain
the screwed-up thought.
Like she was gonna get it.
That was brutal.
I'm literally sitting there like dying,
like I was just thinking,
"What if I started punching the muffins?"
You know what I mean?
I just started punching them.
She's just looking at me like,
"Why do I go out with you?"
Dude, but I swear to God,
if I never broke eye contact
the second I started smashing that lady's muffins,
she wouldn't even be able to call for help.
That would have been in her head.
She'd be like, "Did I go to high school with this guy?
Why would you do that?
Muffins are a happy food."
All right, I'm out of time.
You guys have a lot of fun.
Thank you.